‘Yeah,’ she says and nods, ‘my family, all my friends, a few people from school and now you,’ she replies.
I’m shocked and at the back of my mind that dream disappears. If people see us together and know she’s a lesbian then I’m automatically guilty by association.
‘You’re kidding,’ I say. ‘You told your parents? How did they react?’
‘OK, I suppose,’ she replies. ‘We talked about it a lot and they just want me to be happy. I think they thought it was a phase for the first few months but they’re getting used to it now.’
‘For the first few months?’ I repeat. ‘How long have they known?’
‘About two years,’ she replies.
‘Wow,’ I say. ‘And what do your friends think?’
‘They’re cool; they don’t see it as a big deal.’
‘So how did you know?’
‘I think I really always knew I was never attracted to guys, not even the good-looking ones or any of the big movie stars that the girls used to swoon over. When I was in sixth class there was this girl sitting opposite me that was so beautiful, I just used to sit and stare at her all day. When everyone else was thinking of kissing boys, I dreamed of kissing her. Once I even told her she was beautiful.’
‘What happened?’ I breathe.
‘She called me a freak and told me to get the hell away from her!’ She laughs at the memory. ‘I kissed a few boys just to try them out but I never liked it. Eventually my Mum saw me crying one day and wanted to sort out whatever was wrong. I think she got more than she bargained for. I told her everything and I suppose it just went from there.’
‘So have you been with girls?’ I ask quietly.
‘Yeah,’ she laughs, ‘a few …’
‘And?’ I say, craving more information.
And so she tells me about Carolina who was over on holidays from Mexico for three weeks and Lizzy who never stopped talking and Ann who went out with her for four full months before mentioning that it was really boys she liked!
‘Wow,’ I say, a little dazed.
‘So really, what do you think?’ she repeats. ‘I mean, do you mind, me being a lesbian? It’s just a few times when I’ve told people they weren’t too keen on hanging out with me anymore.’
‘No,’ I lie, ‘of course not; it’s fine.’ I really can’t think of anything else to say. I look at my phone and check the time. ‘Damn,’ I say, ‘I really need to get home.’ I see her bite her lip and I feel bad but I need to think. I grab my bag.
‘Here, I’ll walk you to the bus stop,’ she says.
‘OK.’
It’s only when we’re walking out that I see heads turning towards us and I wonder if they know about Joey and if they think we’re going out together. So once we get outside I begin to walk briskly.
‘Hey! Hey, Joey!’ We both turn around when we hear the voice, and I see a small, black-haired guy walking towards us. He was one of the guys that were at the band the other night.
‘Hey, Neil,’ she calls.
‘Hi,’ I say when he’s closer.
‘How are you two doing?’ he smirks, raising his eyebrows. I cringe at the insinuation.
‘Fine,’ Joey replies casually, ‘how did the other night go?’
‘You missed a great night,’ he says, ‘but I’m sure you had plenty of fun yourselves!’
‘We went home,’ Joey says.
‘Exactly.’ He smiles, nodding his head knowingly.
My breath catches in my throat. Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, I think, I have to get out of here. Without a word I turn and walk away. After a second or two I hear her running after me. ‘Flick,’ she calls as she jogs up beside me. I stop. ‘Are you all right?’ she asks.
‘What the hell was all that about?’ I snap.
‘I’m really sorry,’ she murmurs, ‘Neil’s just such an ass.’
‘Joey, he’s just implied that we’re together, that we spent Friday night together,’ I say, feeling sick all over again at the thought of it. I’m in a cold sweat. People are going to find out, I think hysterically. ‘I’m not a lezzer,’ I say, ‘and I’ll deny it if they say I am.’ I can see the shock on her face. ‘Why the hell would he think I was one?’ I ask.
Her mouth opens and closes, but her words seem to be lost.
I turn and walk on. The bus has already swerved to a stop and the crowd is pushing its way in through the double doors. I’m standing at the end of the queue when I feel her hand on my arm, making me turn round.
‘Look,’ she says, ‘I’m sorry. I did tell them that I liked you but I said we were just friends … I swear I never implied that you were interested in me or that we’d get together; that’s just Neil being stupid and trying to be funny. I’m sorry.’
I look towards the guy in front of me and wonder if he’s heard. I just want to get away from here, to stop all this from happening; I should have known it was a bad idea. But then when I look at her I get this lump in my throat and I just don’t know what to say or how to say it. I look towards the bus and the disappearing queue, then back at Joey and her big brown eyes and beautiful face.
‘I’ve gotta go,’ I croak, before turning and climbing on.
The doors slam shut behind me, severing all ties. I don’t look back.
CHAPTER 35
Before I even get into Dr Rodge’s office that Friday I’m dying to get away – I’m so not in the mood for it today.
‘How are you feeling?’ she asks.
It’s only at the last second that I remember telling her secretary I was sick when I cancelled on Monday.
‘OK,’ I say, then start to blab about anything just to get off the subject. I end up telling her about the band on Saturday night; music is always a good topic – I could talk about music for ever and it makes me sound normal and teenagery. Of course I don’t mention Joey.
‘Sounds like it was great fun,’ she says. ‘Who were you with?’
‘I wasn’t with anyone and I don’t want to be,’ I say, immediately getting agitated.
‘I meant who did you go there with?’ she says quietly after a moment.
‘Oh … oh, with Kev and Fee,’ I murmur, embarrassed.
‘I know you’ve had a bad experience, Felicity, and it could take quite a while to trust boys again. But they’re not all the same, so just take things slowly and get to know them as friends first and foremost. Your feelings will change with time.’
‘Right,’ I say sarcastically.
‘You don’t agree with me?’ she asks.
‘Look, guys are immature juveniles that are usually only after one thing. I’ve absolutely no interest in any of them and I never will.’
She waits a moment scrutinising me. ‘Have you always thought this or is it since the incident with Mike?’ she enquires.
‘Tom, Mike, it doesn’t matter who it is, they’re all the same. I don’t even want to talk or think about any of them,’ I say.
She sits quietly for a moment. ‘You do remember what I said? Everything you say in here is confidential.’
I nod.
‘It’s good to talk about things, Felicity; bottling things up just makes us unhappy and feelings can be very hard to deal with and control when they’re repressed.’
I nod again, thinking how right she is. Suddenly I’m tired – tired of trying to be normal, tired of pretending everything’s all right, tired of being me. And even though I want so badly to tell her everything I just don’t know how. A tear rolls down my face and then another and then another. So I sit for a while not saying anything and she does the same.
‘That night when we were up with Kev in college,’ I eventually begin, ‘I met his ex-girlfriend.’ I sniff away the final few tears and tell the story of Becks, of how I fell for her from the first moment I saw her, how I organised to go to Kev’s match just to see her, how disastrously the night had gone and how Kar had taken the photo and posted it on her Facebook page. I explain how I had taken the overdose because I couldn’t
stand the thought of anyone knowing and how I had fooled the girls into thinking that Becks was the one that was messed up, not me.
‘I can’t believe they fell for it, really,’ I say as I pull at some of the threads on my jeans.
‘Felicity, it’s OK to like girls,’ she says after a moment. ‘It’s natural.’
I put my head in my hands and shake it from side to side. ‘No, it’s not,’ I say. ‘People think lezzers are freaks and are weirdos.’
‘Not at all,’ she argues softly. ‘I know lots of people …’ She tries telling me all these positive stories but I don’t buy it for a second. I’ve seen firsthand in school how the few suspected lezzers are treated and know I never want it to happen to me.
Eventually it’s time to go. I close the door behind me with relief and promise myself that I’m never going to talk about it again.
Of course Dr Rodge has other ideas and I’m still listening to her going on about the whole girl thing the following week.
‘You have to be true to yourself if you want to be happy; you do know that, don’t you?’
Gimme a break, I think. ‘It sounds great in theory, but it doesn’t work that way,’ I say.
‘How do you mean?’ she asks.
‘Well, say I admit to my parents that I like girls, they’d be totally disgusted. I’d actually put money on my Mam having a nervous breakdown and as for my brother and friends they’d just think it was gross. And on top of that I’d be a laughing stock at school, so in my book being true to myself just equals my life being ruined.’
‘You’re right, Felicity, sometimes it’s difficult for people to be open-minded. Parents especially find it difficult to accept who we become. They take care of us for so long, making our decisions for us and thinking that they know what’s best for us. So it’s hard for them to let go and allow us to make our own choices. A lot of the time parents have our lives mapped out for us; they know what equates to happiness for them and think it will be the same for us so they steer us in the same direction. When you come to a crossroad in your life and you don’t follow your parents’ directions it can cause anxiety and controversy. But even if your parents were to react badly it would be because they have your best interests at heart.’
I throw my eyes towards heaven disbelievingly.
‘Look,’ I say, exasperated, ‘my Mam is great but that’s when everything is perfect. Everything always has to be perfect: the dinner, the house, the kids, Dad – trust me, a daughter who’s a lesbian is far from perfect!’
‘I can understand that but I don’t know if you’re giving your parents enough credit. I think if you sat down and talked to them and explained how you’re feeling you’d be surprised how understanding they could be.’
I stop listening.
‘There are alternatives,’ she continues, sensing my lack of interest. ‘I could tell your parents for you,’ she suggests.
I snort. ‘It’s not about who tells them; it’s about them knowing. It’s about how disgusted they’ll be. It’s about them thinking that they can fix me!’ I stare again at the worn carpet before looking back towards her. ‘Anyway, I’m a teenager; we go through all types of phases so it’s probably just one of those. By the time I tell them it’ll probably be all over and done with, so why bother? And you said yourself that everything takes practice,’ I quickly continue, ‘so maybe the whole being with guys thing is something that can be learned.’
She tries to argue, to coax me into telling, to give me advice but I’m not really listening any more and eventually it’s time to go.
‘Well, try to enjoy this phase while it lasts,’ she says.
Her last piece of advice rattles around my head as I make my way downstairs. ‘I’m not going to enjoy this phase,’ I decide adamantly, ‘because this phase is well and truly over!’
CHAPTER 36
The weekend looks set to be long and boring until Kar has a major boyfriend saga on Friday evening and Fee and I are hauled down to her house to hear about what a total ass he is. He hasn’t rung or texted her since Wednesday and Kar is used to guys ringing her at least once a day so this is definitely the beginning of the end. At nine o’ clock Fee finally persuades Kar, after three hours of analysing, to ring him. He doesn’t pick up.
‘Maybe his phone is broken or lost and he’s mislaid your number,’ Fee says.
‘Surely he’d have memorised it by now,’ Kar says.
By ten, when the excuses are wearing thin, we decide to walk down to the phone-box at the end of the street. Fee figures if we ring from an unknown number we’ll know if there’s really a problem with his phone without him knowing it’s us.
‘Come on,’ Kar says to me as she squeezes into the box beside Fee, ‘and close the door, it’s freezing.’
‘I’m not sure we’ll all fit; maybe I’ll just wait outside,’ I suggest. She grabs my jacket and pulls me in. I’m literally on top of her. She smells of toffees and caramel and she looks gorgeous even when she’s mad so I focus on Fee.
‘Just ring,’ Fee says, nudging her. She dials the number and waits while we watch breathlessly. Suddenly she slams down the phone.
‘What?’ Fee and I ask together.
‘Oh my God, he answered,’ she replies, amazed, ‘which means he isn’t dead or in hospital or hasn’t suddenly gone mute and his phone is not lost and is in perfect working order.’
‘Oh,’ I say. I can see her lip quivering a little.
‘Group hug!’ Fee announces and before I know it we’re all squashed together in an even tighter huddle. When we eventually separate I’m all hot and dizzy and Kar is even madder than ever. By the time we’re back at her house she’s sent a text breaking it off and after just two weeks Jamie is history. We lie around a while longer.
‘Single again,’ Kar groans.
‘So am I,’ I say. ‘It’s no big deal.’
‘What about Dave?’ Fee asks. ‘Haven’t you texted him? Aren’t you two going to hook up?’
Damn, I think, me and my big mouth. ‘One of the girls told me on Friday that Dave was caught a few weeks ago climbing out of his neighbour’s window in ladies’ underwear!’
‘Lucky escape,’ Kar says.
‘For him or me?’ I ask with a grin.
‘You’re definitely better off without him,’ Fee agrees. ‘Imagine having to share your undies with your boyfriend!’
‘Let’s not,’ I say, relieved I’m off the hook once more.
CHAPTER 37
The following Saturday we’re outside the games arcade in the shopping centre, eyeing up Kar’s latest victim. We peer in past posters and machines.
‘Can you see him?’ she hisses.
‘Um, I think so,’ I say. ‘Is he the guy behind the desk?’
‘Yeah, yeah,’ she says. ‘Oh my God, isn’t he just so gorgeous?’ she asks for the umpteenth time.
‘Yeah, defo,’ I say but I can barely make out his outline in the darkened room.
‘Is he the guy in the white T-shirt?’ Fee asks.
‘Yeah,’ I say, but Kar says ‘no’.
‘Oops,’ I say. ‘Well, his friend looks cute from here as well.’
‘You’ve got to be joking,’ Kar snorts, looking in. ‘OK, here’s the plan, we go inside and we’ll head straight for the car racing games,’ she begins.
‘Ugh,’ I groan.
She gives me a filthy look. ‘It’s right beside the desk – ye’ll get a good look at him; he’ll get a good look at me,’ she explains, ‘then I’ll have a go or two of the game. If he comes over to us, you guys just pretend you have somewhere to go and I’ll meet ye back outside.’
We both nod and follow her inside. Of course it’s a disaster from the beginning. By the time we reach the car game both he and his mate have disappeared from behind the desk.
‘Where is he?’ Fee says.
‘I don’t bloody know,’ Kar says through clenched teeth, ‘just gimme some money for the machine.’
‘I don’t have any chan
ge on me,’ Fee replies.
‘Neither do I,’ I say apologetically.
‘What? Oh my God, here he is!’ she whispers. She’s searching her pockets frantically for coins for the machine. ‘Whatever you do, don’t look round.’
Both Fee and I automatically look, catch his eye, then look away.
‘Oh for God’s sake,’ Kar snaps.
Fee starts to giggle. I clench my teeth, determined not to join in but the moment I look at her I do the same. Kar storms out, disgusted. Still laughing, we follow her. The moment we’re outside Fee roars with laughter. Kar pulls her to one side and tries to quieten her but nothing works. In the end we’re all in convulsions.
‘Hey, Flick.’
I spin round the second I hear the voice, knowing instantly who it is.
‘Oh, Joey, hi,’ I stammer. I quickly introduce her to Kar and Fee, completely forgetting that she and Fee have already met. ‘We were just in the arcades,’ I babble, knowing she thinks we’re total juveniles.
‘Flick, we’re going back inside,’ Kar says after she rattles some coins she’s found.
‘I’ll be there in a minute.’ I look at Joey, not knowing what to say.
‘Look, I’m really sorry about that day in the café and Neil and all that,’ she blurts out.
‘I’m sorry too,’ I say.
‘No, I know how you must have felt and I –’
Fee comes bounding over to us. ‘He came straight over,’ she squeals, ‘and he’s talking to her!’
‘Already?’ I say. ‘That was fast. I better go,’ I say to Joey.
‘Yeah, me too. I guess I’ll see you around.’
‘Sure,’ I say flippantly before turning back towards the arcades with Fee. I give a quick look back just as we reach the door but Joey seems to have disappeared. With a sigh I follow Fee inside.
* * *
Kar is still on a high over Mr Cute Guy when we meet up the next day. ‘Oh my God,’ she squeals as she flops onto her bed, ‘Arnold’s taking me out tonight and I’ve absolutely nothing to wear!’
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