‘I still better check,’ I say, about to move.
‘Hey,’ he says grabbing my arm gently, ‘you’re not going to leave me here all on my own, are you?’
I try to pull away but he’s persistent and insists on helping me find her. It takes ages but in the end I spot her sitting at a table near the corner of the bar, alone.
‘Hey,’ I say and make a face to warn her about Simon. ‘I was looking for you.’
‘Were you?’ she asks, staring coldly at me and then at him.
He is oblivious to Joey and grabs one of my hands.
‘I’m a great palm reader,’ he says, turning my hand over. He begins tracing the lines lightly with his fingertips while I bite my lip and say nothing. He’s in the middle of telling me that I’ll have three children and a wonderfully funny, dark-haired husband who, coincidentally, will also be called Simon, when Kev and Fee walk over. I pull my hand away and grab my glass only for him to drape his arm across my shoulders. The next hour is pure torture and I’m so relieved when he finally goes to the bar for a round. He isn’t gone long when Mam and Dad appear to tell us they’re heading home.
‘I’m gonna go too,’ Joey says.
I can see Mam and Dad looking at Kev, wondering if there’s been a bust up.
‘Me too,’ I say.
Fee and Kev stare disbelievingly at me.
‘What about Simon?’ Fee hisses.
‘Just tell him I had to go,’ I say.
‘Do you want to come too, Fee?’ Mam asks.
‘Um, no, I might stay on for a little while longer,’ she says.
‘Are you sure?’ Mam replies in a surprised voice.
‘I’m sure,’ she says without explaining further.
‘Well, how will you get home?’ Mam persists.
‘She can come with some of us,’ Kev says in an offhand sort of way. Mam doesn’t seem too happy with the situation but says nothing more about it.
We climb into a taxi and head for home. Dad sits in the front, directing the driver who doesn’t need any directing, while I sit between Mam and Joey. With every bump and turn of the taxi I feel her beside me and know that in a few minutes she’ll be gone. In the darkness I slide my hand onto the seat beside her. I wait for a few seconds then, holding my breath, I move it closer to her. Our hands barely touch before she pulls hers away and grabs her bag.
‘Thanks a lot,’ she says to no one in particular the moment the taxi pulls up by her house. ‘I had a really lovely day.’
‘I’m sorry,’ I whisper as she opens the door and slides away from me. It’s as if she doesn’t hear. She bangs it closed and quickly walks away.
CHAPTER 42
Mam’s dying to hear all the scandal when she comes up with breakfast the following morning. ‘I really don’t know anything about Kev or what he gets up to,’ I lie, ‘so please stop asking.’
‘Well, what about Simon?’ she persists. ‘I saw you two having a great chat!’ I make a face. ‘Betty was telling me he’s Brian’s nephew and he’s already been offered a sports scholarship for one of the big colleges.’
‘You see, you know more than I do,’ I say.
‘Oh, be like that,’ she says, her face lit up. Then she turns on her heel and leaves the room.
I lie back on my pillow and think about Joey. Actually, I’ve been thinking about her all morning. I know I have to ring her, I have to explain, but I’m dreading it. It takes me practically half the day to psych myself up and when I eventually dial her number I cross my fingers, hoping, like the coward that I am, that she doesn’t answer. She does. ‘It’s Flick,’ I say.
‘Hi’ she says.
‘I, uh …’ Already I’m stuck for words and can’t think of a thing to say.
‘I just wanted to say thanks for coming yesterday.’
She doesn’t reply. ‘And I’m, uh, sorry about that Simon guy; he was an idiot and I, uh, I just couldn’t get rid of him.’
There’s silence on the other end of the phone so I waffle on, trying to convince us both that he was the one at fault. Joey remains tight-lipped.
‘It was probably partly my fault that he stayed around,’ I finally admit, desperate for her to say something. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘I don’t know why you didn’t tell him to go to hell,’ she says.
‘I know; I should have. It was stupid of me. It’s just Fee was delighted that she had set us up and he was Brian’s nephew and I guess I just didn’t want to cause a scene. I know he was painful but I thought he’d get fed up and just go away if I kept ignoring him.’
‘But you let him hold your hand and put his arm around you. That’s not ignoring someone – that’s letting them do what they want.’ I wince at her words, and an image of Mike flashes into my mind. There’s a lump in my throat and I clench my jaw to stop the tears.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say and try to explain again but she argues and disagrees. ‘I just didn’t know how to get rid of him,’ I finally say. ‘I really didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m sorry.’
There’s a short silence.
‘OK,’ she says.
I’m about to breathe a sigh of relief when she asks about us.
‘Us?’ I ask.
‘Well, I know we talked a bit last night and I know you need time to work through some stuff but I really don’t want to be messed around so if you’re not interested please tell me now and I won’t bother you any more.’
‘No, I am, I am,’ I say weakly.
‘You’re sure?’ she asks.
‘Yeah, of course,’ I say in a slightly more convincing voice.
Her mood changes and suddenly she’s on a high, planning all the things we could do. I try to explain that I need to take things slowly but I’m not sure she’s listening any more. By the time I hang up I feel worse than ever and for the rest of the day my head spins through our conversation again and again.
That night I toss and turn imagining being out with Joey and being caught by someone or other. It’s not pretty. Worse still, I hear her over and over saying that I let Simon do things to me, like I let Mike do things to me. Everything that I’d talked to Dr Rodge about, that I thought I’d closed the lid on, comes tumbling back out and starts rattling around my head and the nightmares that I thought were a thing of the past come right back with them.
CHAPTER 43
I don’t say anything to Dr Rodge about the nightmares, which are getting worse and worse – I figure I can handle things myself.
On Tuesday, I invite Joey over after school, just to reassure her that I do like her. I’m nervous and excited all at the same time so I talk and talk and talk about everything and nothing. Before I know it, it’s nearly five which means Mam’s on her way home from work and I know I’ll need to get rid of Joey fast or I’ll have loads of explaining to do. She seems to sense there’s something wrong and before I can even think of a good excuse she’s telling me she has to go. I can tell she’s annoyed but I’m just relieved and pretend nothing’s up. She calls to the house a few times over the next couple of weeks. I wonder if people have started to notice her coming? Most days we just watch the TV and chat and eat and it’s cool having her there but I know she wants to kiss me and I really want to kiss her but I’m too afraid. What if Mam arrived home? Or some of the girls called in? So I continue to ignore the fact that she’s getting more and more fed up.
When she rings the following Saturday she’s in foul humour. ‘I just want to do something different,’ she says, ‘like go to the cinema or something like that.’
My stomach lurches. There’s absolutely no way in high heaven I can be seen out with Joey.
‘Yeah, but the exams are starting the week after next; Mam and Dad won’t let me outside the door until they’re over.’
‘So are mine, but surely they’ll let you have a break for an hour or two?’
We argue about it for ages until she eventually hangs up on me.
Damn it, I think, lying on my bed, trying to figure out a way around i
t. Finally I ring her and hope she’ll agree to my plan.
She does.
CHAPTER 44
We meet outside the cinema at twelve on Monday. We’ve both dodged school and study classes. I’m really hoping this will pacify Joey and odds are there’ll be no-one here at this time, so no-one will ever know. Just in case, I pick the worst film and buy the tickets while Joey’s getting some grub. Five minutes later we’re sitting at the back of a totally empty cinema. She is so not impressed that she has to sit through two hours of a horror film.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say, ‘but we’re here now; we might as well stay.’
‘It’s just I hate horror,’ she says; ‘it freaks me out.’
‘It’s about to start,’ I say, without mentioning that it freaks me out too.
Just as the film is beginning, the doors open. I catch my breath as some old guy saunters in and ambles down towards the screen.
‘Damn, he frightened the life out of me,’ I whisper.
Joey sniggers. ‘Serves you right,’ she says.
Suddenly there’s complete darkness in the cinema.
‘What the hell?’
A loud roar breaks the silence.
‘Jesus,’ I shout, grabbing her arm.
‘Flick, you’ve just cut off my circulation,’ she says, ‘and aren’t I the one who’s supposed to be scared? I thought you liked horror?’
‘I do,’ I say as I sit back and try to relax.
I’m conscious of her beside me in the darkness, her arm inches from mine. I grab another large handful of popcorn and begin to munch, just to keep my mind off her. On screen there are a lot of shadows and noises and nothing much else.
‘I don’t think I can watch,’ I hiss.
‘Absolutely nothing has happened yet.’
‘I know, but it’s about to!’
She laughs. ‘Feel free to grab my arm at any time.’
After an hour the old man near the front, totally fed up with us, turns and asks us to ‘stop yelping’. But our nerves are shot to pieces and although we try to stop screaming it’s impossible. The only difference now is that all our screeches are followed by a fit of the giggles. Joey grabs my hand.
‘Run!’ she shouts as the only human couple left on the planet are found by the demons. I scream, reacting to Joey rather than the film. Even when we’ve both calmed down she continues to hold my hand and I completely forget about the film. A scream from the screen and Joey grips my hand tighter, just for a second. All I want to do is kiss her, just once, and then I promise myself I’ll never do it again. I’m so scared my heart is hammering and I can feel the blood pounding through my veins. I sit rigidly in my seat, afraid to move for fear of her letting go.
We’re still holding hands when the film ends and the old man walks up the aisle muttering to himself. Neither of us says a word; we just stay staring straight ahead, watching the credits roll. My throat seems to have closed completely.
The names continue to roll and another song comes on and still we sit. Just one kiss, I think, here in the darkness where no one will ever see or know. She’s looking at me. I give a nervous smile. I’m sure my heart will explode any minute. She moves a little towards me. I tilt my head and close my eyes. Our noses bump.
‘Oh, sorry,’ I say awkwardly.
She gives a quick smile as we lean towards one another again. Our lips touch but almost straight away I feel the armrest sticking into my ribs. I try to ignore it but I can’t so I try to move subtly to avoid it. As I do, my foot slips and I kick her.
‘Oh, sorry,’ I say.
‘Is everything OK?’ she asks.
I explain about the armrest. She smiles and gently pushes me back in the chair as she moves to kiss me again. I feel her warm, moist lips on mine and I just freeze. I try to concentrate and do all the right things but I feel awkward and uncomfortable. She continues to press her lips against mine, willing me to respond. The minute I hear a noise at the door I jump a mile as does the guy that has come to clean up. He doesn’t say anything, just stares at us. I turn away, pull up my hood and grab my crutches.
‘We better get out of here,’ I murmur. Without a word she grabs her bag, stands and walks out. As I watch her angry back walk away from me I quietly breathe a sigh of relief. The kiss was awful – a definite sign that I’m not a lezzer. We’re just meant to be friends, I decide with relief as we head out into the sunshine. The moment we’re outside I’m on guard again.
‘So, I better head on,’ I say quickly, ‘what with my session and all that.’
She looks at her watch. ‘It’s only after two,’ she says. ‘Your session’s not till four.’
‘I know, but it’ll take me for ever to walk with the crutches,’ I say.
‘Right, I’ll see ya,’ she says as she starts walking away.
‘Joey, wait up,’ I say. She stops and turns. When I reach her I don’t know what to say. ‘I, uh, I’m sorry that I have to go, and about the … you know,’ I stutter.
‘What?’ she asks.
‘You know … back in the cinema,’ I mumble as an old woman walks past.
‘You mean the kiss?’ she asks.
I cringe. ‘Yeah,’ I say, ‘but maybe it’s for the best, don’t you think?’
I see a flash of anger flicker across her face. ‘That’s it?’ she says ‘That’s all you have to say?’ She doesn’t wait for me to reply. ‘ “Sorry, but it’s for the best”?’
‘I …’ I begin, but I’m lost for words.
‘I just can’t believe you Flick! You’re supposed to be my friend and yet you treat me like dirt.’
‘I don’t,’ I say.
‘Yes, you do,’ she replies before I have time to defend myself. ‘You know, I’ve finally figured you out. You’re happy to have me around as long as there’s no one about to see us together.’
‘No, Joey, I swear that’s not true,’ I say.
‘Isn’t it? The other week at the wedding you let some guy drool all over you just so it looked good if people saw you with him. I’ve been going to your house when there’s no-one there and having to leave before your Mum and Dad get home. And now this… I knew from the phone call you didn’t want to be seen out with me and this just proves it: a crap film at midday in an empty cinema where no one will recognise you. Well, you might be happy doing that but I deserve better. I don’t want to hide in the dark or whisper in corners or kiss when no one’s watching. That’s not enough for me. I want to be able to walk down the street holding hands and do whatever I want, when I want. I’ve always been straight up about who I am and I’m not going to change now … no matter how mad I am about you.’
She stops and the million arguments that have been whirling around in my head disappear. I stand and stare.
‘You’ll never admit to yourself or anyone else that you like girls,’ she continues angrily. ‘You’re so afraid of being different and having people realise that you’re not the same as them that you’ll do anything you can to conform. You want to sit in that tiny little box that’s been made for you, no matter how cramped it is.’ She takes in a deep breath. ‘Inside you wouldn’t even let yourself go, not even for a moment, to enjoy it. Then you tell me, so matter of factly, that it’s for the best that it didn’t work, like you even tried, or wanted it to. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of your games and I’m tired of pretending I’m something I’m not in front of your friends and family. I’ve told you how I feel; I thought you felt the same but I was wrong. There can’t be any in-between, it’s all or nothing. Otherwise it won’t work.’
She stops and stares at me, waiting to hear words that never come. She lingers a moment longer. ‘Bye Flick,’ she says before she turns and walks away.
I stand and watch her go knowing that every word she said is true. She crosses the road and turns the corner without looking back.
‘Bye,’ I whisper before turning and limping the other way.
CHAPTER 45
I reach Dr Rodge’s office at quarter pa
st three and I sit flicking through magazines, trying not to think about Joey. By four I’m surer than ever that I’m not a lesbian; there’s no way I’d feel so embarrassed and uncomfortable and awkward if I were. Dreaming about Joey and Becks is just a bad habit I’ve gotten myself into so I decide I’m just not going to do it any more. I tell myself it’s like stopping smoking or giving up drink, sort of … Actually, it won’t even be that bad cause I’ll be able to kiss boys. By the time Dr Rodge calls my name I’ve it all figured out.
‘Hello, Felicity,’ she says. ‘How are you today?’
‘I’m good,’ I say.
‘So things are going well this week?’
‘Yeah, pretty much,’ I say.
She waits for a few seconds, obviously hoping that I’ll elaborate.
‘Well,’ I say, ‘I’m definitely not a, you know …’
She raises her eyebrows.
I take a deep breath. ‘A lesbian,’ I say.
‘And when did you realise that?’ she asks.
I’m not sure how to explain this to her and nor am I sure that I really want to.
‘I just know,’ I say.
She waits. She’s so good at sitting through silences whereas I just want to throw words into these holes to fill them.
‘I, uh,’ I begin, then stop. ‘I kissed another girl,’ I blurt, ‘just to check, and it wasn’t right; it was awkward and weird. So that’s how I know.’ My eyes flick from their usual spot on the carpet to her face. Her expression doesn’t change; she just nods.
‘So did you want to kiss this girl or was it just to test out whether you liked kissing girls or not?’ she probes.
I keep staring at the carpet remembering how, every minute I was with Joey, I wanted to kiss her.
‘Maybe a little.’
‘Sometimes things take practice,’ she says. ‘Maybe at the back of your mind you may not have wanted to enjoy this or you were scared or you needed to prove to yourself that this wouldn’t work.’
‘Well, it didn’t. It’s obvious I’m so not into girls.’
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