Flick

by Geraldine Meade

  We sit for a while longer. Mam keeps telling me that everything is going to be OK but she doesn’t sound too convincing. Dad doesn’t arrive back with the hot chocolate and eventually, just before six, Mam suggests I go back to bed for a rest. I nod but don’t move.

  ‘Are you going to ring the hospital this morning?’ I ask.

  She shakes her head. ‘I don’t think there’s any need, for the moment, now you’ve told me what the problem is. I think we can sort this out ourselves. Now, off you go,’ she says again, giving me a quick hug.

  Seconds after I’ve left the room, I hear Dad return.

  ‘Well?’ he asks.

  ‘I think we need something stronger than chocolate,’ I hear her say.

  I head upstairs and collapse into bed, wondering whether I’ve done the right thing telling her. For some reason I’m not so sure that I have.

  CHAPTER 49

  I can’t sleep and after a while I creep out and sit on the landing. Mam and Dad are still talking downstairs and I have to strain my ears to hear them; I just manage to make out their conversation.

  ‘I just can’t believe it,’ Dad says. ‘Who ever would have thought?’

  ‘I know,’ Mam agrees, ‘it’s terrible; why Felicity? Why can’t it be someone else? Someone else’s daughter? Why does it have to happen to us?’

  There’s a few seconds’ silence and I know she’s crying.

  ‘Can you imagine what everyone’s going to say? I can just see them now … Oh, Jack, what on earth are we going to do?’

  ‘Do?’ Dad snaps. ‘Do? Your daughter has just come to you after probably years of torment to tell you her greatest secret and you’re going on like there’s something wrong with her! And worrying about what everyone else will say? And what we’ll do to fix her?’

  There’s silence.

  ‘So I’ll tell you what we’re going to do, Cathy: we’re going to support her and tell her that it’s fine to be a lesbian and be with girls and as long as she’s happy then we’re happy. And we’re not going to try to change her or fix her or sort her out or make her feel like the freak that she thinks she is.’

  ‘Shhhh,’ Mam interrupts, ‘she’ll hear you … I’m just worried – think about how she’ll be treated in school and when she’s out and about. Everyone will be looking and talking; I know what they’re like.’

  ‘Cathy,’ he growls, ‘who the hell cares about everyone else? We’ve got a second chance here; she’s confided in us. Don’t you know how difficult that must have been for her? So we are going to be happy for her and we are going to support her one hundred per cent, without question.’ I hear him walking to the door. ‘You’re always so damn worried about having us appear to be perfect. Well, we’re not and if you try to change her or make her feel in any way ashamed of who she is then I swear it’s not just a daughter that you’ll lose.’

  I barely make it back inside before he pounds up the stairs.

  I lie in bed all morning, dreading the thought of facing them. I knew she’d be disgusted; I knew it. I eventually drag myself out of bed after twelve. By the time I shower and dress another hour has gone by, an hour of wondering what I’ll say to them, and worse still, what they’ll say to me. I open the bedroom door and quietly make my way downstairs, then stand in the hallway psyching myself up. Eventually I take a deep breath, open the door and walk in.

  ‘Hi.’

  ‘Hi hon,’ Mam says with a tight smile, ‘how are you this morning?’

  ‘This afternoon,’ Dad corrects her, looking up from the paper.

  ‘OK,’ I say.

  ‘Well, you’re just in time for brunch. Will you set the table?’ she asks.

  She’s got this voice on, like she’s talking to a visitor or a stranger and not really to me.

  ‘Yeah,’ I say, but all I want to do is get out of here. ‘Where’s Kev?’ I ask.

  ‘He went out somewhere a while ago, God only knows where,’ Dad says.

  I’m so embarrassed being around them now and I wish I was anywhere but here. I set the table and Mam dishes up while I sit with my head down.

  ‘Felicity,’ Dad says before clearing his throat.

  I look up, red-faced.

  ‘I’m glad you and Mam had a good chat last night. I know it was difficult for you to tell her, but it was the right thing to do. We just want you to be happy, hon, and if liking girls makes you happy, then we’re happy too.’

  ‘OK’ I croak, but I’m soooo embarrassed and just want him to stop talking.

  ‘I have to say, I was a little shocked last night when you told me,’ Mam says, ‘but it’s not anything to be ashamed of.’ Even though I know she’s lying I nod.

  ‘So, this girl, Joey,’ Dad says, ‘is she the same girl that Kev brought to the wedding?’

  ‘Kev brought Fee to the wedding and, uh, Joey came as my friend,’ I explain awkwardly.

  ‘Oh,’ Mam says.

  ‘Why don’t you bring her to dinner some evening? We’d love to meet her again,’ Dad says.

  Mam doesn’t say anything.

  ‘Well, we sort of had a row,’ I say, ‘so we’re not really friends any more.’

  He insists on me telling them the story and then insists even more that I go and sort it out.

  ‘You think?’ I ask looking from him to Mam.

  ‘Yeah,’ Dad says, ‘you’ve been miserable without her. If you just tell her how you feel I bet ye’ll sort it out in a jiffy.’

  Mam gives a small smile and tries to look enthusiastic about the idea.

  ‘What if she doesn’t want to see me?’ I ask.

  ‘Trust me, she will,’ he replies, ‘but if she doesn’t at least you’ll have tried.’

  I smile and quickly finish my grub, suddenly excited at the prospect of seeing her. Within minutes I’m heading out the door.

  CHAPTER 50

  Getting to Joey’s gaff seems to take for ever and when I finally arrive I stand outside, scared to go any further. It takes all my nerve to walk up the drive and ring the doorbell. I wonder what she’ll say when she sees me, how she’ll react, and I pray she won’t tell me to go to hell or slam the door in my face. I take a deep breath to try to stop myself panicking and I’m just wondering whether I should go when the door swings open. I stand open-mouthed, in shock because there in front of me is Dr Rodgerie. She stops and stares as well.

  ‘Felicity, is everything OK?’

  My head is in a whirl; there’s only one reason why Dr Rodge is here.

  ‘Has something happened? Is Joey OK?’ I blurt out.

  ‘Mum, have you seen my sneakers?’ Joey hollers from upstairs.

  ‘Oh my God,’ I murmur, then I turn and nearly run down the driveway.

  ‘Felicity,’ she calls, but I don’t turn round. Instead I race across the road and down towards the bus stop, willing one to come, but it’s Joey I see running towards me when I look up.

  ‘Flick,’ she pants, ‘please let me explain.’

  ‘I can’t believe she’s your mother!’ I say. ‘Why the hell didn’t you tell me?’ I don’t wait for her reply. ‘I bet you were having a great laugh about me.’

  ‘Flick, don’t be crazy; it wasn’t like that at all. I –’

  ‘You accuse me of not admitting to things, of not being open and honest and all the time you were keeping this a secret?’

  ‘It’s not the same thing,’ Joey argues, shaking her head.

  ‘It’s exactly the same thing,’ I insist.

  ‘I wanted to tell you, Flick, I swear. That first day you just presumed I was her patient and I didn’t get a chance to explain that I wasn’t.’

  ‘So now it’s my fault?’

  ‘No, it’s just that I never got the proper chance and then as time went on I thought you would probably quit the counselling sessions and I didn’t want to ruin that for you and I thought that you’d run a mile from me when you found out.’

  ‘Damn right,’ I say.

  ‘Look, I know I was being selfish but I tho
ught that if we got to know one another then maybe … Then it just got more and more difficult to say it the more I got to know you.’

  I stand in silence, my jaw clenched. I think of all of the things I’ve told Dr Rodge, all the things she knows about me and I wonder whether Joey knows them too.

  ‘Mum’s going to kill me when I go back,’ she murmurs.

  ‘Good,’ I say, but I’m secretly wondering why.

  ‘I never told her I was meeting you or going to your house or the wedding,’ she explains. ‘I just pretended I was with my friends from school all the time. I knew she’d stop me straight away if she found out. She’s always going on about ethics … I’ll probably be grounded for, like, ever.’

  I stand rigidly against the wall, unwilling to hear her excuses but relieved that Dr Rodge didn’t know about me either.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ she says again.

  I don’t reply. I look up the road the minute I hear the bus and then reluctantly look at her. She’s as beautiful as ever and in those seconds I feel my resolve weaken a little.

  ‘So you don’t go to a shrink?’ I say.

  ‘No,’ she replies quietly.

  ‘And you’ve never been to one?’

  She shakes her head. I clench my jaw, feeling the anger resurface. I feel like such a fool.

  ‘Flick, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad; I never wanted to hurt you,’ she repeats. ‘Anyway, there’s nothing wrong with counselling; loads of people go and if it’s any consolation I pretty much get counselling twenty-four seven from Mum, whether I like it or not.’

  ‘It’s not,’ I say.

  ‘I really am sorry. I never meant to lie to you; I like you too much for that,’ she says as the bus pulls to a stop. ‘Can’t you stay and talk?’ she pleads as I move towards it.

  ‘You’re joking, right? How the hell do you expect me to look at your Mam after everything that’s happened?’

  ‘Please,’ she begs quietly, ‘there’s a small park around the corner. We could go there?’

  I stand confused for just a moment. The bus driver is watching us impatiently.

  ‘Don’t mind me, love,’ he says sarcastically in a gruff voice, ‘I’ve got all day!’

  ‘I can’t,’ I say to Joey and step onto the bus. I turn back towards her. ‘I –’ The doors slam shut as the bus jerks forward. I crane my neck and watch her standing there. A large cloud of black smoke belches from the exhaust as the bus accelerates on down the road, leaving Joey and all hope of us being together behind.

  * * *

  Dad’s asleep in the armchair when I get in. I grab the controls and plop myself on the couch. The minute I flick onto another channel from the sports he wakes.

  ‘What? What?’ he asks groggily, rubbing his eyes and trying to get his bearings. ‘Felicity, what are you doing here?’

  I’m about to say something but there’s this tightness and I can’t really breathe properly and I just know I’m gonna cry. He comes over and sits down on the couch beside me.

  ‘Tell me what happened,’ he says.

  ‘It was a disaster,’ I wail, crying again.

  He hugs me close. ‘What? What happened?’ he asks again.

  I tell him the story. Just as I’m finishing it Mam comes in and doesn’t look a bit surprised to see me.

  ‘That was Dr Rodgerie on the phone,’ she says.

  ‘What? What did she want?’

  ‘She wanted to check that you’re OK. I think she was as shocked to see you this afternoon as you were to see her,’ Mam begins before telling us their whole conversation.

  ‘So she definitely didn’t know?’

  Mam shakes her head.

  ‘And you don’t think she told Joey anything about me?’

  ‘Absolutely not,’ Mam replies adamantly. ‘She’s a professional; she has a code of ethics. She’s not allowed to tell anyone, not even us. She rang because she’s worried about you, Felicity, she doesn’t want you to feel betrayed or upset. She wants you to understand that she knew nothing about any of this until you came to the door and Joey ran out after you. I did tell her that you had told us your … news last night. I hope you don’t mind.’

  I shake my head.

  ‘She was delighted,’ Mam continues, ‘and she’s very proud of you.’

  I grimace in embarrassment.

  ‘Anyway, she said that we could discuss you going to another counsellor, especially if you and Joey are going to be, uh, good friends,’ she finishes.

  ‘I won’t be seeing Joey again,’ I say.

  ‘Now, Felicity, don’t you think that’s a little extreme?’ Dad asks.

  ‘No, I don’t.’

  ‘I know she should have told you,’ Mam says, ‘but I suppose she just didn’t know how. Sometimes the longer you wait to admit something the more difficult it is to say. I’m sure she never meant to lie to you.’

  ‘It just won’t work,’ I insist, shaking my head.

  ‘Why not?’ she asks.

  I sniff back the tears, knowing she’s relieved.

  ‘Of course it would,’ Dad insists.

  I shake my head adamantly.

  ‘What’s wrong, Felicity?’ Dad asks. He keeps asking me until I finally blurt it out.

  ‘I’m scared.’

  ‘Scared of what?’ he asks, surprised.

  ‘I’m scared of people finding out that I’m a lesbian. I’m scared of how they’ll react and what they’ll say and what they’ll think of me. I’m scared they won’t like me any more and they’ll avoid me.’

  Mam hugs me tightly. Dad sits quietly for a while.

  ‘Flick,’ he says at last. ‘I’d love to tell you that everything will be fine, that people won’t react badly or say hurtful things; some people probably will. But you can’t let those few people and their narrow-mindedness stop you from living the life you want to lead. If you do you’ll end up so unhappy and we just couldn’t bear to see you like that.’ He pauses. ‘Just remember that the people who matter will love you as they always have, no matter what, and they will understand that this is a part of who you are.’

  ‘Kev’s going to be totally grossed out and so will Fee and Kar. And I’d say everyone at school will have such a laugh and say the most awful things,’ I snivel.

  ‘It doesn’t matter what other people think,’ Dad says.

  ‘Of course it does. It matters to me.’

  He sighs. ‘You can’t let what others say and think rule your life, and you can’t just do things to please others. You’re going to have to be strong and stand up for what you believe in and what you want.’

  I nod but I’m not convinced.

  ‘You’ll be old news within a week of telling people,’ he promises, glancing towards Mam, obviously looking for some support.

  ‘It’ll be OK,’ she promises. ‘It’s all going to work out just fine.’

  I make a face, knowing they’re lying.

  ‘So what are you going to do about Joey?’ Dad asks.

  ‘I dunno,’ I say.

  ‘I think you should talk to her and sort this out,’ he says.

  ‘OK,’ I mumble.

  ‘I also think you need to tell Kevin and maybe some of your friends soon,’ he continues. ‘You don’t want to be sneaking around behind their backs.’

  I cover my face with my hands. ‘I just dread the thought of it.’ I feel a shudder go up my spine.

  ‘Well, the sooner you do, the better you’ll feel,’ he says.

  ‘You’re right,’ I finally admit. ‘And I will do it soon; I promise.’

  I just never thought it would be as soon as he had planned.

  CHAPTER 51

  We’re eating some pasta a while later when Kev barges in the door, his usual grin on his face.

  ‘Any dinner left?’ he asks, veering towards the cooker.

  ‘Hi to you too, Kev,’ Dad says.

  ‘There’s a little bit, if you want it,’ Mam says.

  ‘Great. I just have to grab a quick shower and
change; can you heat it for me Mam? I’ll be back down in a few minutes.’ He goes pounding up the stairs without waiting for her reply.

  ‘Cheeky monkey,’ she complains as she puts on some fresh pasta and heats the sauce.

  ‘You know, now would be a good time to tell him,’ Dad says after a few minutes.

  ‘No way,’ I say. But he pushes and pushes until I give in.

  Seconds later Kev thumps back down the stairs.

  ‘Thanks.’ He grabs the plate and a can from the fridge. He sits at the table opposite me, clean shaven and scrubbed from head to foot.

  ‘So where are you and Fee off to tonight?’ Dad asks.

  Kev glares accusingly across the table at me.

  ‘Felicity didn’t tell us; we figured it out ourselves,’ Dad says.

  Kev shrugs. ‘The Vault,’ he answers between mouth-fuls, ‘The Realm are playing,’ he says before stopping to devour most of his grub.

  ‘Kev, you’ll get indigestion; will you please slow down?’ Mam says.

  He pauses wordlessly, then, grabbing the can, he takes a long drink.

  ‘Oh, for God’s sake,’ she grumbles, continuing to analyse his every move.

  ‘You could come, too, if you want,’ he says to me, ‘and Joey, if you’re worried about being a gooseberry!’

  ‘No, thanks,’ I murmur before looking at Dad, who nods encouragingly.

  ‘Kev?’ I falter.

  ‘What?’ he replies, scraping the bowl.

  ‘There’s something I wanted to tell you,’ I say.

  ‘So tell me,’ he says.

  I wait.

  ‘What?’ he asks.

  ‘It’s just that I’m … I just wanted you to know that I’m –’

  ‘You’re not pregnant, are you?’ he says, looking from me to Mam.

  ‘Of course not,’ I snort.

  ‘Well, that’s OK, then,’ he says, taking another drink.

  ‘I’m a lesbian,’ I suddenly blurt out.

  He spews the mouthful of drink across the table. ‘Fuck off!’ He laughs.

  ‘I’m being serious, Kev,’ I say as I hear the quiver in my voice.

  ‘What? No way; you’re joking, right?’ he says, staring at me. I shake my head. ‘I don’t believe it,’ he says with another laugh.