‘What’s so funny?’ Mam asks.
‘Flick being a lezzer.’ He shakes his head. ‘Let me guess – you and Joey?’ he says.
I just bite my lip.
‘I should’ve known,’ he says.
‘So, is that all you’ve got to say?’ Mam asks.
‘She has good taste in women,’ he says with a grin before he walks away.
‘Where are you going?’ she calls.
‘Out,’ he replies and with a bang of the door he’s gone.
‘That didn’t go so badly,’ Dad says.
‘Yeah, right,’ I say
‘He treats this place like a hotel,’ Mam complains, ‘running in and out without a bit of manners.’
‘Well, maybe it’s time he got his own place,’ Dad says, ‘or we start charging him rent. He’ll definitely appreciate you then.’
Within minutes the doorbell rings. ‘I knew it,’ Mam says, getting up. ‘He’s always forgetting something.’
‘Sit down,’ Dad orders, ‘your dinner’s going to be freezing. Flick, you’re finished, get the door and tell him to take keys – I don’t want to be getting up during the night to let him in.’
I head for the door, knowing he’s going to have yet another smart-assed comment for me. ‘So what did you forget this –’ I stop and stare, ‘Joey,’ I say in a half-whisper, her name catching in my throat.
‘Hi,’ she says with a smile. ‘Sorry to be showing up on your doorstep but I was wondering if we could talk.’
I automatically look back towards the kitchen to Mam and Dad who are chatting away.
‘I could meet you somewhere else if you wanted?’ she suggests.
‘Uh, no,’ I say, opening the door a little wider, ‘come in.’ My heart is pounding so hard when I close the door behind her.
‘Well,’ Mam calls, ‘what did he forget?’
‘Um, it wasn’t Kev,’ I say, coming into the kitchen, ‘it’s Joey.’
‘Oh,’ Mam says, ‘Joey, come in. How are you?’
‘Hi Joey,’ Dad says with a grin, ‘it’s nice to see you again.’
‘Would you like something to eat?’ Mam asks, beginning to fuss. ‘There’s some lovely pasta or some –’
‘No thanks,’ she says, ‘I ate before I came out, but thanks anyway.’ She stands awkwardly, as do I beside her.
‘Right, well, we’re just on our way out,’ Dad says, ‘so we’ll see you two later.’
‘No, we’re not,’ Mam begins.
‘Oh, yes, we are,’ he insists as he stands, grabs his keys, wallet and Mam’s hand before heading out the door.
We’re standing in the kitchen, totally alone.
‘I’m sorry about today,’ she blurts out immediately. ‘I felt so bad that I hadn’t told you about Mum. I really didn’t mean to keep it from you or for you to find out the way you did … I know it sounds pathetic but I thought you’d run a mile when you knew.’ She pauses and gives a small smile. ‘And you pretty much did.’
‘I nearly got sick when I saw your Mam,’ I begin.
‘I know, I know,’ she says, ‘she killed me when you left earlier; she started going on about her professionalism and how I had totally jeopardised your relationship.’ We end up talking about it for ages, going around in circles and saying the same thing over and over again.
‘I’m really sorry,’ she says for the umpteenth time.
‘I’m sorry too … about how I treated you that day outside the cinema; you were right to be angry,’ I say before pausing.
‘It wasn’t fair for me to say those things,’ she says, ‘or to make you do something that you weren’t ready to do.’
I shrug and for a minute I can’t think of anything to say. ‘I’m glad you came,’ I say.
‘I am too,’ she says. ‘So, are we cool?’
‘Yeah,’ I say, ‘we’re cool, but there’s something I have to tell you.’
‘Oh,’ she replies. ‘What? Tell me.’
But I don’t say anything cause I know the minute it’s out there’s no going back.
‘Please, Flick,’ she says, ‘I hate waiting.’
‘Oh, really?’ I say with a laugh.
Then she grabs both my wrists in her hands and pushes me back against the wall.
‘Tell me,’ she says, ‘or I’ll have to use force!’
I gasp then laugh at her determined face.
‘Tell me!’ she repeats, gripping my wrists tighter.
I keep laughing, nervous and excited.
‘Flick,’ she warns with a faint smile.
I eventually stop and say, ‘I told Mam and Dad that we … that I … love you.’
‘What? You did not!’ she cries, amazed, looseining her grip. ‘What did they say?’
‘Dad’s great; Mam’s pretending to be cool about it but she’s so not,’ I say.
She shrieks.
‘Shhh,’ I say.
‘But there’s nobody here,’ she says. She leans towards me. ‘So, can we try this again?’
‘What?’ I ask nervously.
‘This, for starters,’ she whispers as her lips gently touch mine. She pulls her head away slightly, gauging my reaction.
I open my eyes. ‘I think I need a bit more practice.’
‘No problem.’ She laughs.
CHAPTER 52
It turns out to be one of the longest and most stressful weeks in the history of my life. On top of all of the exam stress Mam nags me every evening to ring Dr Rodge.
‘You missed your session on Monday and you’ll just have to go and face her at the clinic tomorrow unless you call her,’ she says.
‘I’m not going back,’ I say. ‘I’d be mortified, what with Joey and everything.’
‘Then tell her,’ she says, handing me the number.
‘Can’t you?’ I ask.
‘Ring her,’ she orders.
I make a face and dial the number, hoping she won’t answer but of course she does. I stumble through the conversation, hating every second of it. She tells me how I’ve made such great progress by talking to Mam and Dad but suggests I go to this other counsellor for a while. She even invites me for dinner when the exams are over.
‘Oh, sure,’ I say but I have no intention of going.
Mam wants me to ring the other counsellor straight away.
‘I’ve too much study; I’ll ring her next week,’ I holler as I pound upstairs.
I’ve planned to study for the evening just so I’m not blankly staring at another exam page. So I can’t believe it when I wake up some time after nine to my phone ringing. It’s Joey and we chat for ages but then she starts planning stuff for the weekend.
‘I really can’t go out. I’ve too much study, Joey; I’m sure you have, too.’
‘Ah, come on, we’ve only got a few next week,’ she says. ‘Anyway, we need a break and I’m sure your parents won’t mind.’
We argue for ages; I really don’t want anyone to see us. I haven’t even told Kar and Fee yet and I just couldn’t bear all the leering and smart remarks from the lads but Joey doesn’t seem to understand.
‘Tell them tomorrow,’ she says, ‘and who the hell cares about the guys anyway?’
In the end I tell her I have to go and study. I hang up. How the hell am I ever going to tell the girls?’
CHAPTER 53
Needless to say, Friday is another disaster. I leave the exam half an hour early and sit waiting for Kar and Fee in the locker room. Even after psyching myself up I can’t bring myself to tell them my news so instead they just talk about Arnie and Kev and their plans for the weekend while I listen and say nothing, knowing Joey isn’t going to be impressed. That’s why I don’t ring her when I get in and still haven’t called her by dinner-time. So I’m totally shocked when the doorbell rings in the middle of dinner and Dad comes back with Joey behind him.
‘Oh, hi,’ I say. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘I’ve a surprise,’ she says, ‘two tickets for The Script!’
; I stare at her.
‘They’re playing in town; Mum let me use her credit card earlier to book them,’ she laughs excitedly. ‘I thought it might get your mind off the study for a while.’
‘That’s really thoughtful of you, Joey. Isn’t it, Felicity?’ Dad asks.
‘Yeah, it’s great,’ I lie, knowing there are definitely going to be loads of people from school there.
‘Why don’t I give you two a lift?’ he suggests.
‘Sure,’ I say unenthusiastically, ‘just gimme a few minutes.’
Joey and Dad chat all the way there. I try to join in but can’t; I’m bricking it. Sure enough there are gangs everywhere when Dad stops the car so with my head down I follow Joey towards the entrance.
‘Flick! Hey, Flick, over here!’ someone calls.
‘Hey, Costello, the queue’s this way,’ one of the lads shouts.
I look over to see Sue and Amanda from my class waving excitedly at me.
‘I’ll just be a minute,’ I say to Joey.
‘I’ll come with you,’ she says.
‘No,’ I say in alarm.
She’s not impressed.
‘It’s not you,’ I explain quickly, ‘it’s them; they’re, well, they’re just so immature. I’ll meet you at the door.’
I walk away before she has time to argue.
‘Hey,’ I say, heading towards the girls.
‘Hey,’ they reply in unison.
‘Who’s that?’ Sue asks, nodding towards Joey.
‘Oh, just a friend,’ I say.
‘What friend?’ Amanda asks.
‘I mean … my cousin. She arrived at our gaff this evening and she has tickets to the gig. It’s such a pain – I don’t even like her,’ I blurt out, ‘but I couldn’t pass this up.’ I don’t know why I keep talking but I do. I hate myself.
‘Well, hold on for us; we’re hoping to get some too and then we can all go together; it won’t be so bad,’ Sue suggests.
‘OK,’ I agree lamely, having no intention of it. ‘I better go find her; I’ll wait just inside.’
‘Cool,’ they agree. I turn and walk back to the large glass doors. Joey’s waiting and she doesn’t look happy.
The night turns out to be a complete disaster. Joey keeps trying to hold my hand and whisper things in my ear and all I want to do is run a mile. I barely even get to see the band cause I’m looking around so much, making sure that no one I know is watching. Thankfully the venue’s so big that I don’t get to meet any of the gang again and we even manage to escape a few minutes early so I don’t bump into anyone. I walk down the road quickly with Joey following behind.
‘What was all that about?’ she asks.
‘All what?’ I ask
‘Hiding in the corner and treating me that way and running out before it was even over?’
‘Not here,’ I hiss, looking towards the arcades across the road before I turn and walk on.
‘Oh for God’s sake, Flick,’ she says as she stares after me, ‘nobody cares.’
We head back to my gaff, both angry.
‘I’m home,’ I shout as we come in the door.
There’s no reply, just complete silence. I check the house – there’s no one home. My mood has suddenly lifted!
‘I just don’t know why you were acting like that,’ Joey begins as we head into the sitting-room.
‘Oh, shut up,’ I say with a grin as I shove her onto the couch and fall on top of her. We begin to kiss – the band, the worry, already forgotten. It turns out to be the best night of my life, ever!
CHAPTER 54
I race into school on Monday morning, dead late. Damn, I think as I run towards the door, they’ve all gone in. I pull it open as quietly as I can but even at that all heads turn and stare. I dodge between a few tables before quickly sliding into my seat. By eleven I’m exhausted. I have to get out of here, I think, as Rino, our accounting teacher, walks past me. I know he’ll be livid when he sees me go, but I figure it’s an extra half hour that I can study for business, my final exam, after lunch.
All eyes are on me yet again but I don’t look round, just clench my jaw and plaster an ‘I don’t give a hoot’ smile on my face. I start to breathe again the minute I’m outside the door and, grabbing my bag, I sneak off to find a quiet corner. I start off well and fly through two or three chapters – that’s until my phone starts beeping. First Fee then Kar starts texting, wondering where I am. Fat chance, I think as I switch the phone to silent and get back to my book. My eyes flick open the minute the door does. I look around dazed wondering where the hell I am.
‘Jeez, Flick, we’ve searched the bloody school for you,’ Fee starts.
I look at my book, suddenly remembering what the hell I’m supposed to be doing.
‘Tell her,’ Kar interrupts.
‘It’s bloody well two o’ clock; the exam’s about to start,’ Fee snaps at her. ‘We’ll talk later.’
‘Ohmygod. ohmygod, ohmygod,’ I say, ignoring them, ‘I can’t believe I’ve fallen asleep again, what the hell is wrong with me?’
‘It’ll be too late later,’ Kar interrupts, staring at Fee.
‘No, it won’t. Flick, the exam is starting, like, now, so get your ass in gear and come on.’
I reluctantly stand and throw my books in my bag. ‘Guys, I’m screwed, I really am, what the hell am I going to do?’
‘Oh for God’s sake,’ Fee says, dragging me behind her, ‘it’s common sense, just write down anything.’
‘Easy for you to say,’ I reply. Sure enough, the corridor is empty when we get downstairs.
‘Damn it,’ Fee says as we reach the door. Kar pulls it open then turns to say something; instead she stops and gives me this odd look.
‘What?’ I ask
‘Kar, move it,’ Fee insists, giving her a push inside.
The exam isn’t quite as bad as I’d expected but I still run out of things to write twenty minutes before the end of it. I clear my desk and head straight to the locker room.
I stop. My stomach retches. My knees feel weak. ‘Oh my God,’ I whisper as I stare at the word LEZZER written in black permanent marker across my locker door. Lesbo, dyke, homo and queer are written all around it. I stand, stunned, just staring at it for ages as my head spins. I want to vomit. The minute I hear the footsteps behind me, I panic. I wonder where the hell I can hide and quickly veer towards the loo but the strap of my bag catches in the door handle and with a loud rip everything falls to the floor.
‘Damn it,’ I hiss as I quickly bend to pick them up. I’m frantically throwing everything back in when a shadow falls over me. I bite my lip and slowly look up as the first tears sting my eyes.
‘Flick, it’s OK. Come on, get up,’ Kar says, rushing over to me. I shake my head and start to cry, not knowing where to begin or how to explain.
‘Flick, the exam’s nearly over; they’ll be here in a few minutes. Come on, let’s go,’ she orders.
She pulls me up, grabs my hand and drags me out into the sunlight. Behind us I hear laughing and hollering.
‘We’ll head home the back way, by the old library,’ she says, pulling me along.
Finally, as we turn onto a narrow side road, she slows down. I walk beside her wishing I were dead. If only I could get home, I think, just close the door on Kar and everyone, I’d never have to face any of this ever again. I know this time I wouldn’t fail. Just stay calm, I think, pretend it’s all OK, just a few minutes more and she’ll be gone and then I can get everything sorted.
Kar sticks her hand into her bag and pulls out a box of ciggies. She lights one and hands it to me. I take a long, slow drag just as her phone beeps. ‘Fee’s going to meet us at my house,’ she says.
‘I can’t; I have to get home,’ I say.
‘Why?’ she asks. ‘Aren’t your parents at work?’
‘Mam’s home early today; we’ve friends coming. I promised I’d help,’ I lie.
She shrugs and we walk in silence for a few minutes.
‘So, there was this rumour this morning when we came into school,’ she begins as I hand her back the cigarette. She shakes her head and pulls another one from the box, then lights it. ‘Danny Brown saw you and Joey leaving the concert on Friday night. He lives on her road. He says everyone knows she’s a lezzer.’
I take another drag of the cigarette. ‘But I explained that she was my cousin,’ I begin.
‘Seemingly he asked his Dad,’ Kar says before taking another puff. ‘You know he’s that big solicitor guy that knows nearly everyone in town?’
I don’t respond.
‘Anyway, he says her parents are foreign and there’s no way that ye can be related.’
I secretly curse Danny bloody Brown and his know-it-all Dad. We walk on in silence.
‘Your Mam’s car isn’t there,’ Kar says as we reach the house.
‘She’s probably at the shops,’ I say, ‘I’ll just go in and tidy up till she comes back.’
‘Your house is always tidy,’ she says; ‘your Mam always has it perfect. There’s nothing to tidy.’
‘I’m just not in the mood.’
But Kar’s adamant. ‘You’re coming to mine and that’s it,’ she insists.
‘Please Kar,’ I whisper, ‘I can’t.’
‘I’m not leaving you alone,’ she says, grabbing my wrist. I start to cry again when I realise my plan isn’t going to work; not here, not now, anyway.
‘Kar, I just want to be by myself,’ I say. She ignores me and just drags me along. I try to pull my hand away as we head into the estate. ‘Kar,’ I say through clenched teeth, ‘you’re bloody well hurting me, let go.’
But she grips my wrist tighter and ignores my complaints.
Once we’re in the estate I shut up; the last thing I want to do is to draw attention to myself. I walk wordlessly beside her, my eyes darting back and forth searching for people that aren’t there.
‘Is that you, love?’ Kar’s Mam asks the minute she opens the door.
‘Yeah, Mam. Flick’s with me; we’re going upstairs,’ she shouts.
By the time we get to the room I’ve got it all figured out, I’m gonna tell them that Joey is a lezzer but that we’re just friends and how a few of us from counselling had arranged to go to the concert but at the last minute the others had chickened out and it ended up just being the two of us. Fee is there already, sprawled across the bed and Kar heads straight over to the dressing table and begins pouring cranberry juice into two glasses. They both look at me and I give a nervous smile and am just about to blurt out my spiel when Kar turns towards me.
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