‘Close the door,’ she says as she hands me a glass.
‘To finishing exams,’ Fee says.
I take a swig. ‘Jeez, Kar this is lethal,’ I splutter.
‘Don’t bloody waste it,’ she says as I wipe it off my mouth and clothes. ‘You hardly thought it was just juice, did you?’ she says as she takes a drink.
‘To summer holidays and doing absolutely nothing for weeks and weeks and weeks,’ Fee interrupts.
‘She got a little head start,’ Kar says, nodding towards Fee. I take another mouthful and sit on the floor. OK, I’ll drink this, I decide, for some Dutch courage then I’ll tell them and I’ll be home in half an hour. The vodka and cranberry tastes lovely and all too soon it’s finished. Kar immediately comes with more.
‘Kar, I’ll be plastered.’
She brushes it off as she fills my glass. ‘Life’s too short to worry about crap like that.’
‘To boyfriends and late nights and –’ Fee sings
‘We don’t want to know,’ Kar butts in. Mam rings at some stage and I explain that I’m with Kar and Fee. Amazingly she doesn’t give out, just warns me to be home before ten. Kar has filled up my glass again by the time I’m off the phone.
‘Kar, stop! I’ll be locked!’
‘They won’t even smell it off you,’ she says as she tips more vodka in.
‘I’m sure they’ll suss there’s something wrong if I can’t even stand straight.’
They laugh and Kar runs down for some soakage. So we munch and drink and talk about everything except what’s happened at school and for a little while I even stop obsessing about my life being ruined.
‘So, are you OK, anyway?’ Kar asks out of nowhere. I’m caught totally got off guard so I just shrug and try desperately to remember what I had planned to say.
‘The lads are just rotten,’ Fee joins in. ‘Such imbeciles.’ I nod.
‘So, do you want to tell us the story?’ Kar asks quietly.
I bite my lip, wondering what the hell to say.
‘You know my cousin, Sophie? She’s a lezzer,’ Kar says. ‘It’s not like it’s such a big deal or anything.’
Ohmygod, ohmygod, just please shut up, my mind screams.
‘No way,’ Fee slurs, ‘Sophie’s a lezzer? I can’t believe it. When the hell did that happen?’
I see Kar giving her the eye to shut up.
‘Oh yeah, now I remember,’ Fee mumbles.
Kar looks back towards me.
‘It really isn’t a biggie,’ she repeats. ‘I’ve kissed girls before, too.’
‘What?’ Fee screeches. ‘When?’
‘Jeez, will you relax, Fee? What the hell is wrong with you?’ Kar barks.
I give a little smile but don’t take my eyes off Kar.
‘Anyway, the last time was at Christmas,’ Kar says.
‘Ah, everyone kisses at Christmas,’ Fee says, brushing her off.
‘She was Jake’s cousin from America,’ Kar says, ignoring her. ‘We went out to have a fag and it just happened.’
‘Oh my God,’ Fee says, ‘that’s the night we were looking for you for ages!’
Kar lights up. ‘Sorry. I was having fun; I guess I didn’t notice the time! Anyway, loads of people do it. And the lads, well, they’re just jealous that someone as good-looking as you isn’t interested in them.’
‘They’re jealous, for sure,’ Fee agrees enthusiastically.
They both look towards me and I dip my head, unable to meet their gaze.
‘So … are ye going out together?’ Kar asks tentatively.
I know I could lie and swear that Joey and I are just friends and then sneak around, like for ever … or just admit to it all; it’s not like they don’t already think it.
I give a little shrug. ‘I guess.’
‘Wow,’ Fee says.
Kar just sits staring at me.
Almost immediately I’m wishing I hadn’t said anything.
‘I have to go,’ I begin, the tears starting to well up. I stand quickly and put my glass on the dresser.
‘Oh, no, you don’t,’ Kar says, jumping up and running towards me. I barely get time to scream before she grabs me, whirls me round and throws me onto the bed. I barely miss Fee’s head. Fee screams as Kar dives on top of me and pins me down.
‘Kar,’ I shout, squirming under her grip, ‘let me go.’
‘Quickly, Fee, grab her feet before she gets away,’ Kar orders. Fee quickly obeys and plonks herself on my legs.
‘Help!’ I scream, ‘I’m suffocating!’
‘If she was on your face you’d be suffocating.’ Kar laughs.
There’s a knock on the door.
‘Karen, is everything OK?’ her mother asks timidly. ‘I thought I heard a scream.’
‘No, we’re just chatting!’
We wait until we hear her walking back down the hall before we all burst out laughing. In the excitement Kar has relaxed her grip and Fee has fallen off the bed. I sit up, still laughing.
‘Come on, Flick,’ Kar says, ‘lighten up. Tell us how the hell you met and all the gory details – you know if it was me I would.’ She rolls off the bed, finds the end of the vodka and shares it out between us.
‘That’s not fair,’ Fee grumbles, ‘you gave me the least.’
‘That’s because you’re already drunk,’ Kar says. ‘And Flick had a traumatic day; she needs it more. You see,’ she says to me, ‘there are perks to being a lezzer.’
‘You did this on purpose,’ I say accusingly. ‘You planned to get me drunk so I’d talk!’
‘Would you have told us otherwise?’ she asks. ‘We’re your friends, Flick, and have been, like, for ever, you’re supposed to tell us everything.’
I raise an eyebrow.
‘Well, nearly everything,’ she corrects herself with a smile. ‘So, is telling us this such a bad thing?’
‘I suppose not,’ I agree reluctantly. I drink most of the glass of vodka before telling them the whole story of Joey and me. The relief is unbelievable.
‘What’s it like to kiss a girl?’ Fee asks, crinkling up her nose.
‘It’s softer and sweeter than a guy,’ I begin.
‘And no stubble,’ Kar adds.
They ask me a million questions and we end up lying on the bed, chatting and laughing about it for ages. Kar’s Mam comes up sometime after eleven to say Dad’s at the door. He has to wait there at least ten minutes while Fee and I try and make ourselves look sober and respectable. By half past I’ve fallen into bed; within seconds I’m asleep.
CHAPTER 55
It ’s the middle of August and although the holidays are nearly over, they’ve been the best ever. I went to the new counsellor for a few weeks but because I was in such good form all the time and didn’t seem to have any problems or issues she told Mam that she didn’t think I needed any more sessions. I can ring at any time if I need to return but for now, I’m free. Yippee!
Better still, I’m madly in love with Joey! Walter’s has become our new local haunt; we practically live there. It’s this really cool, trendy café on the other side of town that no one I know goes to. Joey doesn’t seem to mind but Kar is so unimpressed and keeps telling me avoidance is not a good thing and that I need to confront my fears. Last week she broke up with Arnie and cornered me again.
‘It’s not fair,’ she complained, ‘you and Fee are madly in love and have totally forgotten about me.’
‘That’s not true,’ I reply adamantly.
‘It is and you know it.’
I’m about to contradict her when she butts in: ‘When was the last time we were out together?’ she asks.
‘Two days ago,’ I reply.
‘Going to Walter’s during the day with you and your girlfriend doesn’t count,’ she says. ‘I mean out out! You never come to the park or to the Cove any more,’ she says.
‘I don’t want to go there.’
‘You can’t give your whole life up, Flick, just cause some guys slag you of
f,’ she says.
‘I know, I know,’ I say, brushing her off; I’ve heard this too many times before.
‘It’s your birthday next week and we’re going out!’ she suddenly announces.
‘OK, but Joey will be away and I was going to wait and have something when she gets back.’
‘You can do that, too; we’ll have two celebrations,’ she says.
I make a face.
‘Great,’ she says, ignoring me, ‘sorted!’
CHAPTER 56
A week later I’m all dressed up and dreading it. I’ve thought about pretending to be sick so many times but I know that Kar will actually come and drag me out if I do. I hear the doorbell as I fix my hair for the umpteenth time. Within seconds Fee’s in my room.
‘You look fab. Are you ready?’
‘I really don’t want to go,’ I admit.
‘Come on,’ she says, grabbing my hand, ‘it’ll be OK’
The minute we head into the estate a few of the fourth years from school see us and start shouting ‘lezzers’ at us. Fee gives them the finger but I just keep my head down and walk faster.
Ohmygod, I think, this is going to be the worst night of my life; I just know it. I’m so relieved when we reach Kar’s door – that is, of course, until Ryan opens it.
‘Hey,’ Fee says as she breezes in past him towards the kitchen.
‘Hi,’ I say coyly, following her.
‘Hey,’ he says, ‘how are you?’
‘OK.’ I turn bright red. I wonder if he knows about me.
‘How were the exams?’ he asks.
‘Lousy,’ I reply, ‘and worse has yet to come.’
‘Worse?’ he asks.
‘The results,’ I explain. ‘Mam and Dad will probably freak when the envelope arrives next week.’
‘It’s only fifth year,’ he shrugs. ‘Just don’t fail next year or you’ll never leave this dump of a town.’ I give a quick smile, knowing he’s right. ‘How were yours?’ I ask
‘Rough,’ he replies, ‘I’ll have to repeat a few.’
‘Oh,’ I say, as Kar calls me, ‘well, good luck with them. Um, I better go.’ I head for the kitchen with Ryan following close behind.
‘SURPRISE!’
The shout is deafening. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry when I see the rest of the girls in front of me.
‘Happy Birthday,’ Ryan whispers before they surround me.
I don’t get a chance to reply.
‘Ohmygod … Ohmygod!’ I laugh as they bombard me with gifts. Finally Kar squeezes her way through.
‘Wow, you look amazing,’ I say when I see her. Almost immediately I turn bright red.
‘You never said that to me,’ Fee grins from beside me.
‘You do, too,’ I say, embarrassed.
‘Or me,’ Katie smirks, giving me a nudge.
‘You too.’
‘Here, have a drink,’ Kar says, ‘before you put your foot in it again.’
We all laugh.
‘Bottoms up!’ Fee smirks as we clink glasses.
I drink half of it before taking a break, knowing that the only way to survive the night is to get totally sozzled. But after just one, the girls are ready to move on.
‘Can’t we stay here longer?’ I plead.
‘No way.’ Kar is grabbing my hand and dragging me towards the door.
‘Please,’ I beg.
She turns and looks at me. ‘Trust me, it’ll be OK’.
The lads are gone when we head back outside. They’re probably waiting for us down at the park, I think warily. But instead of crossing the road to the park we head left, then left again.
‘Where are we going?’ I ask.
‘Wait and see,’ Fee says as she hands me a Coke bottle from her bag. I take it, hoping her concoction will wash away some of the fear in the pit of my belly.
‘So does Ryan know about me?’ I ask Kar after a bit.
‘Yep,’ she says. ‘So, does my hair look OK?’
‘Yeah it looks great; don’t touch it. What did he say?’ I ask.
‘He said if you gave him a chance he’d be able to change your mind.’
‘He did not!’
‘Did so. Cross my heart and hope to die,’ she says and we both laugh.
I take another swig. He still likes me, I think, smiling to myself. We round another corner and I stop when I see the big ferris wheel in front of me.
‘You’ve got to be kidding,’ I say.
‘We’re going to the carnival!’ Fee shrieks. ‘It’s gonna be great!’
‘No way; everyone’s going to be there.’
‘Yes way,’ Kar insists as she drags me along.
‘This is the last night and it’s going to be fab,’ Fee says.
‘Please, guys; I can’t,’ I plead.
‘You can,’ Kar replies stubbornly. ‘You have to do it sooner or later; might as well do it now.’
‘Tonight? On my seventeenth birthday? Gee, thanks, guys; you’re so thoughtful, such great friends,’ I say.
‘If it’s bad we’ll leave straight away,’ Kar promises.
I’m bricking it by the time we reach the carnival grounds. The place is mobbed and the noise is deafening. Sue and Kar drag me onto the wheel of death and for a few minutes as my stomach somersaults and my head spins, I forget about everything and just squeal until we stop. Then there’s the rollercoaster and waltzers. We’re standing contemplating whether to go on them again when a bunch of the lads stroll towards us. I dip my head straight away but not before I see them nudging one another and grinning.
‘Oh look, lads,’ Tom says, ‘the lezzer’s back.’ They all laugh and I feel myself burning up.
‘Shut up, Tom,’ Fee shouts.
‘We thought we were well and truly rid of her,’ Jay says, ‘off with those other sicko lezzers.’
‘Go to hell, guys,’ Katie says.
‘On your bike, ya dyke!’ Trev says as they all roar laughing again.
For what seems like for ever they throw insults at me and the girls throw them back. I feel sick and ashamed and my head’s pounding and all I want to do is run away. I look towards them and suddenly realise that I’m going to be their entertainment for the night; they don’t need a carnival with a freak like me around.
As I stand there listening to the abuse, the crowd grows – guys and girls from school attracted by the shouts and laughing. During it all, Kar has stood quietly by me but has never uttered a word – Kar who promised everything would be OK, who told me we’d get out of here if things got too bad. And then in all the turmoil I hear her voice.
‘Just go with me, Flick, OK?’
I wonder if we’re about to make a run for it but she has this glint in her eye and a smile on her face and suddenly she’s pushing me against the wooden rails of the waltzers and she’s bending towards me and her lips are on mine and we’re kissing. For a second my eyes flick towards her but close again almost immediately. She tastes of candy floss and toffee and she’s irresistible. I don’t know whether it’s because the kiss is so amazing or whether people are stunned into silence but suddenly everything goes so quiet.
Please forgive me, Joey, I think, I know you’ll understand when – if I tell you. This is Kar just being a great friend and putting herself on the line for me. She was never going to let me run away. Then I stop thinking about everything cause Kar is gently pulling me closer and she tastes so sweet and all I want to do is melt.
A huge cheer goes up; the girls start screaming and shouting and laughing and I can’t help but laugh too. Kar pulls away slightly and looks at me with that same grin on her face and I can’t make out whether this is all a joke or not.
‘Our first kiss,’ she whispers. ‘How was it?’
‘Perfect,’ I say with a smile.
‘You’re all just a bunch of lezzers,’ Tom shouts as he and the lads stare at us.
‘Would you blame us with talent like you around the place?’ Kar asks.
He sticks
up his finger as he and the lads turn away in disgust but we all just laugh again.
‘We’ve a long night ahead of us and a carnival to enjoy,’ Kar shouts, grabbing my hand.
We start to run back towards the ferris wheel, the others following, screaming as they go. Kar squeezes my hand a little tighter and I look towards her laughing face.
‘Here come the girls!’ we roar as we race into the wind, leaving everyone else behind us.
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