Premortal

by Damien Passmore

  There was no limit placed on the filth and gore that they could infuse into his mind. Sturd had removed himself from the safety of his parents' assistance. Into his mind and soul each of his attackers poured the most vile images that they could muster, but with one commonality. Each of the atrocities that flowed into his mind was being inflicted upon him. He writhed in agony as images of him being beaten, whipped, punched, kicked, stabbed and tortured flashed rapidly in and out of his mind, only ceasing to be replaced by something worse. So graphic were the images that he felt the pains as though they were truly occurring. As a consequence, he suffered the worst sufferings of mortality, without yet being mortal.

  Within this orgy of venom and hatred Lucifer rejoiced, Troy thought it was tremendous, Ham loved it and Jezebel thought that it was beautiful.

  Now, within our mind's eye, we might have envisaged that every spirit within that vast congregation was engaged in this attack, and we would be almost correct. There were two bystanders, however. The first was Snab, who laughed uncontrollably, with his fits of laughter punctuated only by spluttering sentences.

  ‘Ah-ha-ha! Just like me. Ah-ha, much worse, much worse. Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha, much worse than me, ha-ha. They did that to me ha-ha-ha, but Sturd is much worse, ah-hah-hah-hah.'

  His laughter was a function of both his permanently retarded capacity and also his relief that it was not he who was the target on this occasion.

  The other bystander was deriving less enjoyment from the scene than everybody else. Ethan was scheduled to endure his first attack the following day, and what he was witnessing was a fairly abrupt introduction to what he might expect. He could see the agony on Sturd’s face which defied all description. He noted the state of Snab and it was clear, from what he was saying, that he had been the victim of one of the divisions. He, quite obviously, had not recovered from the attacks and it was not lost on Ethan that he didn’t appear to have any capacity to fill a rank within his division to reward him for his sufferings.

  A few more minutes, and the fun was over. Each of the spirits exited Sturd and he fell to the ground. He did not emerge from a coma-like daze for weeks, and when he did his retardation was so profound that, in comparison, Snab appeared a genius. He would lose one letter in his name and would forevermore be known as Turd, an earthly term that appeared very fitting. He would become the butt of most jokes, the victim of most cruelties, the whipping boy and the bully’s pleasure. The officers within his very own division would take the greatest delight in these cruelties. Though we may pity him, we might wonder who would be so foolish as to allow himself to be judged within the furnaces of hell, that place not being so much a location as it is a collection of the vilest beings imaginable.

  61 cold feet

  As Ethan travelled back with his fourth division colleagues, they were already looking forward to their next attack. This was what it was all about. This is what they had been training for. That next attack was scheduled for the following day, and they taunted Ethan that they were now much better prepared for it. They mocked him constantly, calling into question his every quality.

  ‘Ethan, when we’re finished you won’t be fit to be a private let alone a colonel.’

  ‘Ethan, did you see Snab tonight? You’ll make him look like a genius when we’re finished with you.’

  As always though, it was the kindly generals that interjected.

  ‘Oh c'mon men, I have no doubt that Ethan will endure well,’ said General Anas.

  ‘Yes, there is little doubt in my mind that he will be your leader before long,’ chimed in General Silick.

  Ethan was reassured by his generals. His tender self-esteem was very much connected to the faith that they appeared to have in him. As always, Ethan’s comrades were absolutely furious at the confidence their commanding officers had in Ethan, and once they arrived back at barracks they gave him no rest within the dorms. When he could take no more he resolved to go for a walk around the compound.

  Secretly he hoped to encounter one or both of his commanding officers for a few more words of reassurance. He strolled around the perimeter of the camp, and without noticing it, soon approached the quarters that General Anas and General Silick occupied whenever they were with fourth division. Although trainees were not permitted to approach the general’s quarters, he was drawn by the sound of their voices. There was also a third voice that sounded vaguely familiar, but which he couldn’t quite identify.

  Feeling the weight of his disobedience, he was just about to turn on his heels and return to his dorm when he heard his name. Consequently, he found himself drawn even closer, though he knew that he shouldn’t. Ethan was feeling desperately insecure and he reasoned within himself that if he could just hear some positive words from his beloved generals then he would be satisfied and could begin his preparations for the morrow. The closer he drew however, the less encouraged he was by what he was hearing, and ultimately he was close enough to hear the three clearly. General Silick was speaking.

  ‘Yes, he is even more foolish than Snab was before his attacks, and after he has endured the same fate there is no doubt that he will make an even better whipping boy.’

  ‘I don’t think he’ll rival Turd though,’ Anas said sportingly, and all three of them erupted into coarse laughter.

  ‘Can you believe that he actually thinks that we have some level of confidence in him?' General Anas said.

  ‘I know. Out of all of the spirits in the whole congregation from which fourth division was selected he was by far the stupidest, and the one with the very least potential. Despite his poor performances, and the constant taunts of his colleagues, he still somehow believes that something good will come of the attacks,’ said General Silick in disbelief.

  ‘You have done well, generals. Although Ethan is a fool he performs a vital function. I hope that we never again have the likes of Sturd to practice on, so voluntary victims are essential to the training of our army.’

  Ethan recognised the third voice now; it was Lucifer.

  ‘How are Hanri and Storm of second and third division fairing?’ enquired their noble leader.

  ‘Not too well,’ said General Anas, and all three of them laughed heartily once again.

  ‘They are both recovering from their last attacks and couldn’t attend tonight. Hanri is almost spent, which is fine as second division's training is all but complete. We might get another three or maybe four attacks out of Storm, before he ceases to be any sort of challenge for third division,' continued General Anas.

  On the exterior of the generals' quarters, Ethan’s mind was spinning. He was not the sharpest tool in the shed, so it took him a little time to digest what was being said, but before too long he had reached the same conclusion as you and I. He wandered in a daze, almost as a drunken man, in the general direction of his quarters. On arriving there though, he could not bring himself to go in. He thought to leave, but where would he go? The only two spirits in the world that he had considered friends were Generals Anas and Silick. His self-esteem was demolished, his self-worth non-existent. He no longer wanted to exist, but that was not possible. He wondered whether he should just endure his punishment because he had nothing else to live for. At least there might be some relief in the retardation that would be sure to follow. After all Snab didn’t appear too troubled by his sad existence.

  As he staggered to and fro in desperation, a crazy thought entered his head. What if he left this area of the Kingdom altogether and returned to his parents? He rejected the idea instantly, feeling that he couldn’t. He looked at his hand to observe his dark countenance and shuddered to think of how he might be received. He thought of his impurity and shrank at the thought of standing before them. Still he couldn’t rid himself of the thought. In some respects it appeared as though it would be his best option, in other respects it seemed as if it might be his worst.

  It was at this moment that the image of Sturd’s face, in the final moments of his torture, came into his mind. His look of sufferi
ng was beyond all description, and he could not erase the image. In his mind’s eye he saw his own face with the same expressions, the same agony, the same horror, and the same contortions. This was enough to get him moving. He flew into the air and left the camp of fourth division. He didn’t fly to his old abode, as he knew that he would be found. He flew directly towards the light.

  62 stranger

  Ethan flew at speed. He was not the fastest spirit but, having recently trained with his division, he was not the slowest either. He was driven by fear, knowing that if he was found fleeing he would suffer the same fate as Sturd. Thankfully, no one saw him depart and before long he had left the training grounds of fourth division far behind. As he flew, the light increasingly troubled him. It had been so long since he had visited the lighter realms that the brightness upon his dark soul was draining. Still though, he flew for the brightest area, reasoning that it would be safest for him. Somehow, under the influence of extreme fear, he was finally starting to find reason.

  Ethan's journey towards the greatest source of light in the Kingdom naturally terminated immediately outside his parents’ abode, next to which he landed, being far too terrified to enter. Not knowing what to do, he fell to the ground, almost where he had landed, and cowered like a frightened animal.

  Sarah was seated nearby, waiting for Rachel to return from running an errand. She felt peaceful and content, and was basking in the light and love of her parents’ presence, where she had always felt most comfortable.

  Out of the corner of her eye she noticed a dark looking shape move through the air before landing. Intrigued she moved towards it, still not knowing what it was. As she approached she was astounded to find that it was a spirit. Of course Ethan was of the correct size and shape for a spirit, but it was the darkness of his countenance that caught her off guard. She had seen spirits with a fallen or faded countenance before, but had never seen one that was so dark. Even Lucifer’s countenance, at the time when she had associated with him in the library, was far brighter than Ethan’s. Of course, had she seen Lucifer now, she would have found his countenance darker still.

  Knowing something of what a darkened countenance meant, she approached Ethan very cautiously.

  At a distance of ten feet she halted, not willing to go any closer. She stood and watched him for a moment and observed that he was shaking. His eyes were closed and he had not yet noticed her.

  ‘Are you alright?’ she asked.

  In response Ethan jumped and rolled backwards to get away from her. His reaction gave her some comfort, as it was obvious that he was even more frightened of her than she was of him.

  ‘It’s alright, I won’t hurt you. What’s your name?' Sarah asked gently.

  Again he didn’t answer and he began to shake even more violently than before.

  Rachel had been with Sarah but they had separated briefly while Rachel ran an errand. As she walked back to the place where she had left Sarah, she was a little surprised to find that her friend was no longer there. She scanned the area to see if she could locate her and spotted her about fifty metres away, right next to Father and Mother’s abode. Sarah appeared to be talking to someone but a tree obscured her line of sight to Ethan, so she didn’t know who it was. As she moved closer and saw Ethan she quickened her step towards her friend, concerned for her wellbeing.

  ‘Be careful Sarah!’ she called out.

  Sarah was relieved to see Rachel and asked a favour of her.

  ‘Rachel, I’m fine. Please go and get Father or Mother, I’m very worried about him,’ she requested.

  Ethan hadn’t spoken a word since his landing, but this question sparked him into life. ‘No, no, I cannot face them!’ he cried.

  ‘Alright, alright we won’t go and get them,’ Sarah reassured him, much to Ethan’s relief.

  He knew that at some stage he may need to face them, but he simply couldn’t do that now.

  ‘Alright Rachel, please find Michael or Samuel as quickly as you can.’

  Rachel heard the urgency in her friend’s voice and complied with her request.

  Not long into her search Rachel found Nathan and sent him to assist Sarah. Having done so she felt far more relaxed and was able to conduct her search in a more methodical manner, without the kind of frenzied pace that often reduces efficiency. She found Kieran next and sent him to be with Sarah and Nathan also. She was not successful in her search for Michael or Samuel, but by the time that she had located Ariel, she felt confident to return with her to the place where Ethan was still lying, shaking even more violently than before, and so terrified that he couldn’t speak.

  A short distance from the concerned gathering, Michael and Samuel had arrived and were informed that Rachel had been seeking them urgently. Having searched for a short time they noticed their friends at a distance. As Michael walked in their direction he spotted Ethan and launched immediately into flight, accelerating fiercely to get between Ethan and the others.

  ‘What are you doing here?’ shouted Michael.

  Ethan had just that minute started to calm down a little, but having heard Michael’s voice he cowered even lower and began to shake violently once again.

  ‘Michael, let him alone!’ yelled Rachel urgently.

  ‘Do you know who or what he is?’ asked Michael.

  ‘Yes I think I do, but he doesn’t appear to mean any harm, and he is clearly very frightened.’

  Michael could see this about him now and relaxed a little, as did Samuel, who had also moved rapidly to position himself between his friends and Ethan.

  ‘Should we go and get Father?’ Michael asked, but he was only successful in eliciting from Ethan a response similar to before.

  Ultimately, it was decided that it would be best for Michael and Rachel to see Father, or Mother, to ask them what to do.

  Their parents' abode was a large structure, as it contained not only their living quarters, but also other rooms for various purposes. Some of these rooms were being used to conduct personal interviews for those who had recently returned. The interviews were being conducted not only by Father and Mother, but also others of their children who were assisting them in this work. Indeed, each of those who had gathered around Ethan had been heavily engaged in this work themselves. Fortunately though, they had been given some time off that day to enable them to re-gather their strength.

  As they entered, Michael and Rachel hoped that they would indeed be able to have an audience with one of their parents, as both were desperately busy interviewing as many of their repentant children as they possibly could. Mother was in an interview, and so was Father, but he soon finished and Michael and Rachel were able to catch him briefly between meetings. As always Michael’s soul soared as he greeted his Father.

  ‘Michael and Rachel, how are you?’

  ‘We are very well, thank you Father,’ replied Rachel.

  ‘How are your meetings going with your brothers and sisters?’ he pressed.

  ‘Really well, thanks. It’s a great joy to assist those who have returned to us.’

  ‘You are right Rachel, it is. Now I have another meeting in a few moments so let me assist you quickly. I can tell you that you can trust the spirit you have found. I know you have your concerns that he may be some sort of spy, but I can assure you that he has left the other side of the Kingdom for his own reasons and he will not return there. You should minister to him with great kindness as he has suffered much,’ instructed the patriarch.

  ‘Thank you Father, that is very reassuring, we will render him every assistance,’ responded Rachel.

  ‘Although you might expect him to be full of deceit, you will find that he has learnt his lesson and the information that he provides to you will be truthful. You should listen to him carefully as that which he reveals to you will be very important.’

  ‘Thank you Father, that is very helpful,’ said Rachel, turning to leave with Michael.

  ‘Michael,' Father said, stopping them with a word, ‘his name is Ethan a
nd he is your brother.’

  Rachel clearly didn’t need this reminder but Michael did, and his demeanour changed instantly as he was reminded of a crucial reality. He turned once again to leave and this time he was not halted.

  ‘Were you able to see Father or Mother?’ asked Sarah upon their return.

  ‘Yes we had a few brief moments with Father. He told us that we should administer kindly to this spirit because he has suffered much. He also assured us that he can be trusted,’ replied Michael.

  ‘Good,’ said Sarah, whose female instincts had already kicked in, such that she felt an almost motherly protectiveness.

  ‘He told us his name is Ethan,' added Michael.

  These statements reassured all who were gathered, but it did more than this for the subject we have been considering. Ethan heard these words and his heart leapt. They gave him hope. His greatest concern was that he would come to this part of the Kingdom and would be cast out. To hear these words meant that he could stay, but more than this, they gave him a flicker of hope that there may be a pathway back for him. If he was ministered to and trusted then maybe there was a chance that he could become something more than he was. This desire caught hold of him and he wanted to change. He didn’t simply want to make some adjustments to his character, he wanted to become entirely different. He wanted to replace selfishness with generosity, hatred with love, vice with good character, laziness with diligence. He didn’t fully understand each of these qualities yet, but he knew that he wanted to be the opposite of his current self.

  The generous and loving words of his father had stirred him to self-improvement, and there was much to improve. Father knew precisely what his words would do for his son. Giving Michael Ethan’s name was intentional also. This was evidence to Ethan that he was known, and even that he was loved.

  Michael and Rachel did not mention what their father had said about the useful information that may come from Ethan. They didn’t want Ethan to think that their motives were anything but pure. They were entirely pure, Michael and Rachel would have ministered to him whether there was useful information to be obtained or not, but Ethan was not used to pure motives.