The Wish List: Escape with the most hilarious and feel-good read of 2020!

by Sophia Money-Coutts

  ‘I’ve brought my lunch.’

  ‘I know, I know,’ he said, surrendering his hands in the air. ‘I wasn’t for a second suggesting you try a different type of sandwich. But bring it with you. I want to chat about the Christmas party.’

  Once on the bench outside, he revealed this had been a cover story. ‘I do want to chat about the Christmas party, but I also wanted to check that you’re OK.’

  I smiled up at him. He was sitting on the wooden arm, his boots on the seat. ‘Kind of. The house has been pretty weird this week. I get home and wait for the feeling of him around my ankles, but Ruby and Mia have been amazing.’

  The previous night, they’d lined up in the kitchen, clearly holding something behind them.

  ‘Why are you guys being so weird? What’s going on?’ I’d asked.

  Mia had revealed a framed picture of Marmalade and me in the garden. Ruby had taken it from her bedroom window the previous summer; I was lying on my front reading, he was lying across a rectangle of sunshine on my back. It made me cry again, obviously, but it also made me more grateful for my half-sisters than I could remember. We’d got through two bottles of wine afterwards and I’d teased Ruby about Zach.

  ‘How were the headshots, Rubes?’

  She rolled her eyes. ‘I tried. I gave him my best sex face but it didn’t work so I guess that’s that.’

  Mia forced her to demonstrate her best sex face and Ruby had lowered her eyelids like a drunk and pouted her lips. We laughed so hard I’d almost choked.

  ‘I think you’re off the hook with Ruby,’ I told Zach, as he ripped through his baguette.

  He grinned, his cheeks stuffed with sandwich. ‘Ah, she’s great. But she’s your sister. I couldn’t. How’s your fascist boyfriend, anyway?’

  ‘All right. Been away this week but taking me out for my birthday tomorrow.’

  Zach’s eyes widened. ‘Your birthday! You’ve kept that very quiet. What you doing?’

  ‘Nothing, I hate it.’

  He shook his head. ‘You can’t hate your own birthday. Even for you, that’s tragic.’

  ‘Thanks. And I know. But I do. So I’m having supper with Rory and that’s it.’

  ‘He’d better take you somewhere decent. I don’t want to hear next week that you spent your birthday eating peri peri chicken in Nando’s.’

  ‘I don’t think Rory knows what Nando’s is,’ I said, before catching Zach’s eye and we both snorted with laughter. There was no way Rory would risk splashing hot sauce on any of his shirts.

  ‘Hey, so what’s happening with the Christmas party?’ I asked, once we’d regained control of ourselves.

  Zach brushed crumbs off his jeans. ‘What do you think about carol singing?’

  ‘Us?’

  ‘No, Jesus, no! Can you sing? No, course you can’t. I’ve heard you in the stockroom.’

  ‘Watch it, I’m still sensitive.’

  ‘You’re all right. And I’ve been looking into it and the Chelsea Pensioners have a choir, so I thought we could try and get them in? A singalong, mulled wine and Norris in his Father Christmas costume. It’s my last week in the shop so I want to make sure it’s a proper knees-up.’

  ‘Last week?’

  ‘Yeah. I go to South America that weekend.’

  ‘Oh, course.’ I looked down at my sandwich and was almost overwhelmed by a wave of self-pity. My life felt small. I made the same sandwich every morning and double-wrapped it in clingfilm. That was pretty much the only element of risk I faced each day – arriving at work and checking the tomato pips hadn’t leaked into my rucksack.

  ‘Finally you’ll be rid of me,’ said Zach, gently punching my shoulder with his fist.

  ‘About time,’ I said, trying to grin up at him. ‘Has Norris said yes to the carol singing?’

  ‘No, but he will.’

  The Chelsea Pensioners were army veterans who lived in a nearby retirement home and still pottered up and down the King’s Road in red uniforms and black hats. I had no idea if their singing was any good but they were a local institution.

  ‘How does the shop make any cash? Won’t we need to pay them?’

  ‘It’s charitable,’ he replied with a shrug. ‘We pass a bucket around for the singers and stay open late for Christmas shopping. Offer free wrapping or something.’

  ‘We already do free wrapping.’

  ‘All right, Little Miss Pedantic, I’ll think of something else. But do you think it’s a good idea?’

  I nodded. ‘Yeah, well done, Superman.’

  He raised his arm in front of him like Clark Kent flying through the air.

  ‘Don’t get too cocky. The landlord hasn’t backed down yet.’

  ‘He will,’ said Zach, scrunching up his baguette wrapper, ‘he will.’

  Eugene offered to open up the following morning so I could have a ‘birthday lie-in’ but I still woke at seven. Lying in bed, I tried to gauge whether thirty-three felt any different to thirty-two. Looking at it from a purely mathematic basis, I’d gained a year and a boyfriend but lost a cat. Did they cancel one another out? Was I any wiser? Hard to tell.

  I rolled on my side and looked at the photo taken twenty-nine years earlier of Mum crouched around me as I puffed my chubby red cheeks to blow out my candles. I frowned as if willing her back to life, wondering what she’d say to me today if she was still here.

  ‘Get into the shower, probably,’ I muttered, throwing back the duvet. My habit of talking to Marmalade in the morning hadn’t stopped.

  I dressed and walked to the shop but it was eerily silent. ‘Hello?’ I shouted. No answer. There was nobody behind the till, nobody on the shop floor and nobody downstairs. ‘HELLO?’ I shouted again, down the staircase at the office. Nothing. What the hell? I leave them for a morning and the place goes to sleep.

  ‘Men,’ I grumbled, pulling off my rucksack and very nearly dying from immediate cardiac arrest when Eugene, Norris and Zach leapt like salmon from behind the till. Well, Eugene and Zach leapt. Norris just stood up a bit faster than he would usually.

  ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY!’ they shouted as I reached for a bookshelf to steady myself.

  ‘Jesus!’ I said, clutching the shelf. ‘I wasn’t expecting an aerobatic display.’

  ‘I think my hip’s gone,’ said Norris. ‘I need to sit down.’

  ‘Hang on,’ said Eugene, ‘we have to give her the card.’ He held out an envelope.

  I opened it to find it was signed by all three of them plus, clearly, whoever had been into the shop that week. Rita the cleaner. Mrs Delaney. I squinted at one of the messages: A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND I HOPE THE NEXT YEAR BRINGS YOU EVERYTHING YOU WISH FOR, BEST REGARDS, TERRENCE.

  ‘Who’s Terrence?’

  Eugene looked embarrassed. ‘He bought a book about bicycles yesterday while you were at lunch with Zach.’

  ‘Thanks, guys.’

  ‘There’s something else in the envelope,’ he added, nodding at it.

  I pulled out a slip of paper: a voucher for a massage at a posh spa nearby.

  ‘We thought you could do with it after, well, everything,’ Zach added.

  I grinned again. ‘Thank you, I’m very touched.’

  Norris limped downstairs and I kicked my bag under the till. I’d brought in the same black dress I’d worn on my first date with Rory and my trusty black heels, which I could actually walk in. I still wasn’t sure where his Italian restaurant was. He’d texted me that morning saying I was to ‘await further instructions’.

  ‘What you doing later?’ asked Eugene.

  ‘Not sure, it’s a surprise.’

  ‘Remember what I said about Nando’s,’ said Zach, narrowing his eyes at me, ‘if he even dares.’

  ‘It’s not going to be Nando’s,’ I said, reaching for my pocket as my phone vibrated against my hip.

  Darling, the meeting’s been delayed. Not sure what flight we’ll get back but probably not much before 10pm at this rate. I have to stay until the minister’s done. I’
m so sorry, forgive me. Can we go out tomorrow night instead? Rx

  ‘Oh,’ I mumbled. ‘It’s not going to be anywhere.’

  ‘What?’ Zach and Eugene asked simultaneously.

  ‘Rory’s meeting has been delayed so he’s not getting back until late.’ I tried to smile at them. ‘Want to come to Nando’s for a birthday dinner?’

  ‘No,’ said Zach, shaking his head. ‘We can do better than that. Eugene, you free tonight?’

  Eugene nodded.

  ‘Right, leave this one to me.’

  ‘What d’you mean?’

  ‘Never you mind, but Superman to the rescue. There will be no peri peri chicken and you will have a good time. Deal?’

  ‘Deal,’ I said, trying to sound less glum than I felt inside. Maybe a cat was better than a boyfriend after all.

  When the shop closed that night, Eugene told me to put my coat on and Zach appeared from the office waving a blindfold. I almost told him about the time Rory pinched one of Mia’s sleep masks and tied my wrists together, but I wasn’t sure it was the right moment.

  ‘What’s this for?’ I asked, standing in front of him while he fastened it around my head.

  ‘You’ll see. And drink this.’ I felt Zach’s hands over mine as he slipped a cold bottle into them. ‘Beer. Dutch courage.’

  ‘For what?’

  ‘Wait and see,’ he said. ‘Eugene, is the Uber here?’

  ‘Just pulled up.’

  ‘I need my bag!’

  ‘Eugene’s got it. Don’t worry,’ said Zach.

  As if carrying out a very civilized kidnapping where the hostage is given a drink before being bundled into the getaway car, Zach led me outside and gently pressed on my head so I could fold myself into it.

  ‘Florence, can you put your fingers in your ears please?’

  ‘What? Why?’

  He sighed. ‘If this was for real I’d have taken you back already, no ransom required. Just do it. I need to talk to the driver about where we’re going.’

  I propped the bottle between my legs and waggled my fingers in and out of my ears until I heard Zach shout that I could remove them.

  ‘Can we have Magic?’ Eugene asked from the front so the driver tapped at his radio and the speakers belted out Tina Turner’s ‘Simply the Best’. Eugene started singing along.

  ‘Come on, birthday girl, you know the lyrics,’ said Zach, before he joined in too.

  ‘Give me a lifetime of promises and a world of dreeeeeeams,’ they shouted.

  I swallowed another mouthful of beer and pinched my lips together.

  ‘Florence, I can’t hear you,’ said Zach.

  ‘All right,’ I said, opening my mouth and muttering a few words: ‘Better than all the rest, better than anyone.’

  ‘You sound like a virgin at choir practice, come on!’ Zach urged, before bellowing another line.

  ‘Zach, I had no idea you were such a fan,’ said Eugene, pausing from his own harmony.

  ‘Tina? Love her. Big fan of an Eighties ballad.’

  Eugene tutted. ‘I wish you were gay.’

  ‘Sorry, buddy. But if I was, you’d be first on my list.’

  I smiled into my bottle. This was crazy. Sitting in an Uber, blindfolded, singing Tina Turner while drinking a Peroni was crazy. But good crazy.

  ‘Just here’s great, mate, thanks,’ I heard Zach say a few minutes later and the car stopped.

  ‘Out we get, come on,’ he said, taking my hand and pulling me across the seat. I felt his hand on my head again to protect it as I stood up.

  I could hear the buzz of London traffic and the odd squeal of a child. Where were we?

  ‘Ready?’ said Zach, before untying the blindfold.

  ‘SURPRISE!’ came a unified shout.

  I blinked at the fairy lights on the trees around us. We were outside the Natural History Museum and Ruby, Mia, Hugo, Jaz and Dunc were all standing in front of me.

  ‘Happy birthday, doll,’ said Jaz, stepping forward to give me a hug. ‘Dunc, show Floz what you’ve got for her.’

  He stepped forward and offered up a card with ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY’ written in crayon. ‘Made you this,’ he said.

  ‘Oh Dunc, thank you, is that me?’ I said, pointing at the drawing. It was either a woman or a blancmange wearing a wig.

  He nodded.

  ‘It’s brilliant,’ I said, crouching down to squeeze him. ‘Thank you very much.’

  After several ‘Happy birthdays’ and hugs from everyone else I turned back to Zach. ‘So what are we doing?’

  ‘We’re going skating,’ he said, pointing around the others to an ice rink at the side of the museum. That’s where the squeals of children were coming from. Blue and pink neon lights flashed across the white surface as people skidded across it, circling a giant Christmas tree flashing in the middle. The sound of Justin Timberlake floated through a speaker.

  ‘I can’t skate!’

  ‘Yes, you can,’ he replied. ‘Dunc, can you skate?’

  He looked thoughtful for a moment. ‘Yeah, but only if my mum holds my hand.’

  ‘Exactly,’ went on Zach. ‘If Dunc can skate, so can you. Let’s go, our time slot’s up.’

  He led us down a slope and into a marquee behind the rink. Shelves of blue plastic skates spanned one end of it.

  ‘Size?’ said a bored-looking man standing in front the shelves.

  ‘Eight,’ I whispered very quietly.

  ‘Pardon?’

  ‘Eight,’ I said, slightly louder.

  ‘EIGHT,’ shouted Ruby, appearing beside me.

  ‘Thanks, Rubes.’

  We stomped outside like Transformers, unable to bend our legs properly once the skates were strapped on. Hugo muttered about whether the rink had the correct health and safety insurance; Mia told him not to be a baby. Jaz said she’d always wanted to be a skater when she was younger.

  ‘Did you? Why?’ I asked.

  ‘I loved that Torvill and Jean.’

  ‘Do you mean Dean?’ said Zach.

  ‘Yeah, her.’

  She and Dunc slid out first. Then Mia and Hugo, followed by Eugene, then Ruby, which left me and Zach.

  ‘Come on,’ he said, holding his hand out.

  ‘I bet you’re good at this, aren’t you? That’s why you’ve picked it,’ I said, as my fingers grasped his and I stepped on to the ice like an old person.

  He grinned. ‘Maybe. I’ll be Jean if you’ll be my Torvill?’

  I inched along the ice, praying not to fall immediately. Small children slid around me like professionals. Ruby had done several laps already, hair flying behind her. I laughed as Hugo pulled himself along by the rail on the side of the rink while Mia shouted beside him: ‘Let go, don’t be such a wimp. Why am I marrying such a wimp?’

  ‘I’m not a wimp, it’s a long way down,’ Hugo shot back in a panicked, high-pitched voice.

  ‘Go!’ I said to Zach, who was tugging me along. ‘This is boring for you.’

  He shook his head. ‘It’s funny. Look, concentrate, lean back. You’re bending like you’re constipated.’

  ‘Shut up!’

  ‘Well, you are. That’s it. And bend your knees a bit more. There we go. Use your arms for balance. Look, you’re off!’

  I was off. Sort of. There were still children outperforming me, but I sped up. I let go of Zach’s hand and pushed one leg out behind the other, making a satisfying slicing sound with my boots.

  ‘YOU’RE SIMPLY THE BEST,’ shouted Eugene as he went past me, spinning in a little circle.

  ‘Show off!’ I yelled back.

  Zach swooped up behind Dunc and took his hand.

  Jaz let them go on ahead and skated over to me. ‘The hero worship’s strong in that one,’ she said, nodding towards them. Zach was pulling Dunc along to gurgles of laughter.

  ‘Cute.’

  ‘It is,’ said Jaz, looking from them to me. ‘So where’s Rory?’

  ‘Stuck with work. Getting a late plane from Berlin.’ I�
��d had increasingly apologetic messages that day and another bunch of flowers. Pink lilies this time, an even bigger bunch than the roses he’d sent earlier in the week. If you glanced through Frisbee’s window, you might have thought it was a florist not a bookshop. Flowers seemed to be Rory’s automatic way of apologizing. Send a big bouquet, all would be well.

  ‘How are things with him?’

  ‘All right.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yeah,’ I said, nodding. ‘Really.’ Then I sighed. ‘It’s just been a weird week.’ She already knew about Marmalade but I explained about the Tory party, the dress, our row afterwards.

  ‘Well,’ she said, looking back out to the rink, ‘either it’s the first test of your relationship, and if you really like him then it’s fine. Or…’

  ‘Or what?’

  She bit her lower lip.

  ‘Go on, when have you ever been afraid to tell me something?’

  ‘Just make sure you’re not in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. There are others out there, you know. Look at me and George.’

  ‘Me and George is it now?’ I teased. ‘So you’ve seen him?’

  She smiled. ‘Yeah, we went to the park at the weekend with the kids, and then he had a glass of wine at mine afterwards.’

  ‘Snogged yet?’

  She shook her head. ‘Nah, I think it’s going to be a slow burn, this one. He seems to have Maya most nights and I’ve got Dunc but, yeah, we’ve messaged every day. So all I’m saying is you never know when someone’s just going to appear in your life.’

  I nodded but, surprisingly, felt a flash of jealousy. Other women seemed to find boyfriends so easily, swinging seamlessly from one to the next like a monkey in the jungle. I’d waited years for just one and the thought of not having Rory made me feel panicked, as if I would be sliding backwards in life. I couldn’t lose him this quickly. ‘Jaz, I can’t break up with Rory after one bad week.’