Learned Reactions

by Jayce Ellis

  In a funny way, Dad was right. Under most other circumstances, he’d send Olivia back to his parents and try to figure out what’d happened to make her show up on his doorstep in the first place. Because being a father? For the next four years? Was never something he’d considered. But damn, the look on her face when she’d seen him, like she was just waiting to be rejected again? Reminded him too much of himself, and the hell if he’d let her feel the same way he’d felt too many times under his parents’ hands.

  So now he had to figure out what the hell he was doing, and quick. And he needed to be conscious about getting too comfortable, too reliant, on Deion. Because Deion wouldn’t stick around forever, and he needed to make sure things were good when his friend disappeared. When he pushed Deion away again.

  He let himself inside the house almost forty-five minutes later. Deion sat on the couch, the TV volume low. Olivia was in the kitchen, hunched over what looked like schoolwork.

  “Hey, man,” Deion said as Carlton walked in.

  “Why’s the TV so quiet?” he whispered.

  “Didn’t want to disrupt her,” Deion said with an incline of his head.

  Carlton nodded. Made sense. Was definitely something Deion would do.

  Deion stood, and Carlton wrapped him in a hug. And boy, did he want to take that next step, press their lips together, feel Deion open under his touch. Forget all the reasons he should stay away, all the reasons he’d told himself this was a bad idea. Ask him how forever sounded.

  He pulled back reluctantly, coughing slightly, and looked up to see Deion’s eyes wide, his pupils slightly dilated. Were they maybe on the same page?

  Yeah, domesticity with his best friend was going to be a killer. It’d make him want more than he could ever have, and be a death knell when it ended. He snuck around Deion and into the kitchen, forcing those thoughts out his head.

  Olivia looked up with a smile. “How was work?” she asked.

  “Good. Your brother called, said he’s coming over for dinner tonight.”

  Wow. Olivia’s face lit the fuck up. “Really? I haven’t seen him in forever.”

  “If by forever you mean since homecoming.”

  She laughed. “Yeah, okay. But we barely saw each other after he left, so it’s awesome to see him again so soon.”

  He had an absolute ton of questions about that, about what their relationship had been like in their time apart, and how he’d missed it. But now wasn’t the time for them. He could ask those later.

  “We have an extra for dinner?” Deion asked. Carlton hadn’t even heard him walk in.

  “Yeah. Don’t suppose you took anything out of the freezer?”

  “We,” Deion said, pointing his finger back and forth between him and Olivia, “had a culinary discussion this morning. We decided on Steak Diane.”

  “Steak Di-who?”

  Olivia laughed. “Diane, Unc. It’s going to be amazing.”

  “And I’d bought an extra steak for you to take as lunch, but that can be Trey’s portion.”

  Oh. That was sweet. Too damn sweet, if he was being honest. He couldn’t remember a time post-college someone had done something like that, no matter how simple it seemed, for him. He didn’t know how to respond.

  “So, I guess I’ll leave you two to it?”

  That...wasn’t really it, but Olivia nodded, a satisfied grin on her face, looking so much like her dad it hurt. “Yeah. Me and Uncle D, we got this.”

  Deion turned to him, that smile on his face luminous. Carlton could tell that Uncle hit differently for him too. “Why don’t you go kick your shoes off and relax for a little bit? You’ve been going all day.”

  Yeah, domesticity? It was going to be a bitch.

  Carlton hid in his room, almost afraid of what would happen if he came out now. It was on the very edge of his tongue to beg Deion to stay, not till the end of the semester, but permanently. Not leave him alone and scared and unsure of what to do. He wanted to come home to Deion and Olivia, and Trey on the weekends, and kick it with Jaq and Lawrence and have it all.

  But he wouldn’t. Couldn’t. He had to go into this interview tomorrow and convince the social worker that he was ready and willing and capable of taking care of Olivia. By himself, for the next four years. And he was willing. Of that there was no doubt. But capable? Boy, he just didn’t know.

  The doorbell rang and he heard Trey’s laughter from the front hall. His whole family was here.

  “Ayo, Unc, get out here,” Trey called out, and then he heard a squeal. Probably Trey tackling Olivia.

  Carlton’s chest rumbled with laughter, and he strode into the living room to find his nephew there, his book bag slung on the couch. The decadent scent of steak sizzling from the kitchen, his best friend and niece huddled together while they cooked. This? This was the most domestic thing he’d seen since the last night he and Deion had lived together as seniors. And he was supposed to give this up?

  One more glance around the room confirmed it. Not a chance in hell.

  Chapter Nine

  “Hey, Ma,” Deion said, nestling in on the couch.

  “Son! It’s...early. Barely eight o’clock.”

  “Yeah, I know it’s not our usual time,” Deion said. But the house was empty, and if he didn’t talk now, it wasn’t going to happen. The social worker would be here in a few hours, and if Deion missed his normal time, Ma would blow his phone up.

  “Where are you?” she asked. “Are you still with your friend? No, you should be home by now, right?”

  Fuck, shit, and damn. He should’ve been gone last weekend. He hadn’t exactly planned to tell mom that, not now at least, but hell, she knew him too well. She’d know if he were lying.

  “I’m actually staying for a while.” Please leave it at that.

  “How long’s a while?”

  Never mind that then. “Until Christmas?” One day he’d lose the little boy inflection in his voice that sounded like a verbal wince. Today, alas, was not that day.

  “Deion Marcel! What are you thinking?”

  “It’s complicated.” An understatement if he ever heard one.

  “How complicated can complicated be?”

  Oh hell, might as well get it all out there. Dribbling information would only aggravate her. “Carlton’s niece showed up. She apparently ran away from her grandparents and asked to stay with him.”

  “Oh, goodness, is she all right?”

  That was his momma. Even in her ire, her first concern was always for the child. Bless her. “She’s fine, Ma. But he’s trying to adopt her.”

  “As in, legally? She’ll legally be his daughter?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well.” Ma paused, like she wasn’t entirely sure what to say, and that was probably accurate. The thought of giving Carlton credit for anything wasn’t something she was accustomed to. “That’s great,” she finally said. “That’s very mature of him, and I’m sure he’ll make an excellent father.”

  Deion wondered what it had cost her to say that, but he wouldn’t argue. Carlton was still finding his footing, but when he did, god, he was going to be such a good dad. And Deion didn’t want to miss a moment of it. “I’m sure he’ll be pleased to hear that from you.”

  She chuckled. “I’m sure that’s true. But what he’s doing is a good thing. I confess, though, I’m still curious. What does this have to do with you?”

  Deion closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “He asked me to stay for a little while.”

  “Stay? As in, what exactly?”

  He could hear the alarm bells going off in her head clear across the ocean. “As in stay with him until the adoption goes through. Or the end of my sabbatical,” he rushed to add. “Whichever comes first.”

  Pause, silence, that deep, deep disappointment. Then, “Deion, have you lost your mind? Why would you sa
y yes to that?”

  “Ma, I know you don’t approve of Carlton, but—”

  “This has nothing to do with that.”

  “It has everything to do with that, and we know it. Your objection is because you don’t like him. You never have.”

  “My objection is that he strings you along. He knows how you feel about him, and he takes advantage of it for his purposes. Proven by the fact that he’s asked you to stay while he’s dealing with this. You had other plans, didn’t you? You were going to come see us. Is that still happening, or will you have to get back to me at some again undetermined point in the future?”

  “I’m still coming, I promise. Nothing has changed in that regard.”

  “You’ll have to forgive me if I say I’ll believe it when I see it.” Her voice went soft, like she’d already given up on the idea, and he hated that.

  Goddamn, this conversation was not fun. And her comment didn’t make any sense, now that he was thinking about it. “Don’t worry. I have no intention of being here full-time. Carlton doesn’t want that anyway.”

  “With all due respect, son, I don’t think that boy knows what he wants.”

  “Meaning what?”

  She sighed, the classic long-suffering maternal sigh that never ceased to make him feel like a chastened toddler. “Honey, I think he feels more for you than he allows himself to admit, and that’s a problem for him. I think he wants to love you, wants to be in a relationship with you, and is scared of taking that step.”

  If Deion thought that was even remotely near some semblance of someone’s truth, he would have dealt with it years ago. Somewhere along the way, he must have misrepresented what he and Carlton were, what they meant to each other. Maybe Ma was projecting what she knew he wanted, instead of dealing with the reality of what they were. No wonder she despised him. Deion had to make himself clear.

  “Ma, our roles are clear. I’m his friend, nothing more. He just needs some assistance until he can get his work schedule straightened out, and until we can get Olivia fully settled, all that.”

  “And what happens when you fall deeper? What happens when this period of nesting comes to an end, when he has a family and you’re not part of it?”

  That worry had crept into the back of Deion’s head multiple times. And each time, he’d ruthlessly shoved it away, refusing to think about it. But Ma wouldn’t let it go. She was going to force him to do this, and he didn’t know if he loved her for making him stay realistic or if he hated the idea. Because what was wrong with living his dream life? If he wanted to delude himself for a little while, pretend this could be his reality, that was his business, wasn’t it?

  “I know you’re worried about me. I can’t tell you how much that means to me, but I promise you, things will work out for the best.”

  She sighed, at least appearing to know that this battle, at this time, was lost. He wasn’t naïve enough to think that this was her final word on the matter. “Fine. I love you, and I just don’t want to see you hurting more than I know you already are. But you’re grown, and I’ll support you and tell you, in all honesty, I hope this works out for the best for you. All of you.”

  Deion heaved out a breath and smiled. “Thanks. I appreciate it.”

  “Well, you are my only child. And I know, somehow, lord only knows why, that boy makes you happy. So if anything does come of it, I want you to know you have my blessings.”

  He laughed. Never had blessings come to him so grudgingly. “Thanks, Ma. I’ll talk to you later. Give Dad my best.”

  “Will do, son. Good night.”

  They hung up, leaving Deion to his thoughts. The last place he wanted to be.

  * * *

  “Good afternoon, I’m Evangelyn Smith-Reis, a social worker for the Division of Family Services. And you are?”

  Carlton had struggled more with his voice the past week than at any time in his adult life. He cleared his throat and thrust his hand out, which she shook firmly. “Carlton Monroe. Good to meet you.”

  He stepped back and opened the door wider for her to come in. She paused just past the threshold, a tablet he’d missed before in her hand, and started pecking at the screen with a stylus. His heart thudded in his throat. Had the place gone to hell since he and Deion had cleaned on Tuesday?

  She turned to him, her smile coolly professional. “I’m going to meet with you for a bit, and then with Olivia, if that’s all right with you.”

  “Yeah, sure. I mean, of course.”

  She nodded to the chair. “May I sit?”

  “God, where are my manners? Of course, and can I get you anything to drink?” Give me something to do to get my mind right.

  She waved him off. “No, thank you.” She peered up at him, her eyes twinkling. “Unless you need a moment to yourself?”

  Carlton guffawed and sank onto the couch across from her. “That obvious, huh?”

  She shrugged. “Comes with the territory, and I can’t say I don’t understand. Even if the social worker’s here for a positive thing, it’s a little anxiety inducing.” She leaned forward. “It is for me, too,” she whispered conspiratorially.

  “No kidding?” That did make him feel better. “I just, I just don’t want to screw this up.”

  Another nod. “Well, let’s get started. What’s Olivia’s relationship to you, and why are you interested in adopting her?”

  Carlton sucked in a deep breath and ran through the spiel he’d mentally prepared. He was honest, explaining how his parents were Olivia’s legal guardians and had told him they wouldn’t relinquish that unless he formally adopted her. He tried to express his desire to let her be her own person, and not a facsimile of his sister, his cares and concerns about why she’d tried to run away instead of just calling him, and his fear that his parents may have interfered with her relationship with Trey. Something that hadn’t gone away, and weighed on his mind, because he hadn’t seen it.

  “It sounds like you love your niece and nephew very much.”

  Carlton laughed. “I do. I never thought I wanted kids,” he admitted. “And Olivia is different than Trey.”

  “Because of their gender identities?”

  “More because of their ages,” he clarified. “When I had Trey, it was for a year. He was already a senior, already had his sights set on attending Howard, and just needed a place where he could be himself and do his work without being bothered. There weren’t any real issues, and, if I’m being honest, I didn’t feel like I had to do all that much except feed him and get him moved in. Olivia is a freshman. I’ve got four years of raising her to do. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me nervous.”

  Deion chose that moment to come out from Olivia’s bedroom, where he’d been helping her with an English assignment. If Carlton never wrote more than a two-page paper again, it would be too soon.

  Deion waved, looked sheepish for interrupting, and opened the fridge to grab the pitcher of water.

  Ms. Smith-Reis turned, her smile brightening to a megawatt level. “Oh, you’re in a relationship? Outstanding. I’d love to meet him. Does he live here? How’s he getting along with Olivia? There’s not supposed to be a bias against single parents adopting, but let’s be real, having something closer to a ‘nuclear family’ makes a big difference, even in a same-sex household. It just does.”

  That shift, those rapid-fire questions, threw him all the way off and he cleared his throat. Once. Twice. Then angled his head toward the kitchen, where Deion was now watching him. Carlton couldn’t make out his expression, the way his eyes were just slightly narrowed, his arms crossed over his stomach, and a loc falling over his shoulder. Then he recalled her last words and squeezed his eyes shut. She hadn’t said doing this solo would be a hindrance, but the implication was just under the surface, whether she meant to make it or not.

  Ms. Smith-Reis turned, craning her neck into the kitchen a
nd waving Deion over. He took a long swallow of his water and capped it, then sauntered over. Deion did not saunter, the only clue Carlton had he was even remotely nervous. He took a seat beside Carlton and laid a hand over his knee.

  “So, give me your name.” Her voice had come down some, back to the professional level Carlton had already become accustomed to.

  “Deion Jones.”

  “I have to say, it’s just really good to see this kind of commitment. I wouldn’t say we have any judges who would deny an adoption on the basis of sexuality.” That pregnant pause before she continued said everything she wouldn’t, and she kept going. “But the reality is, when you have a single person adopting, judges are always concerned about the revolving door of lovers, or something of that nature. So, with all that said, how long have you two been dating?”

  Deion looked at him, and Carlton knew this entire thing could blow up. Then he grinned, a small one Carlton knew all too well, that basically meant “What the hell am I getting myself into?” But he winked and nodded, and Carlton released the proverbial breath he hadn’t known he was holding. He turned back to Ms. Smith-Reis and smiled.

  “How long have we been dating specifically, or because there was no one else and we gravitated toward each other?” He laid a hand on top of Deion’s and gave it a little squeeze. Deion snaked his thumb out and caressed Carlton’s pinky, and Ms. Smith-Reis raised a brow before laughing.

  “You two are a handsome couple. Why don’t you give me both dates?”

  Carlton’s relief felt palpable, and he put on his most winning smile. “Officially, only a few months. My baby went on sabbatical and I’m trying to convince him to make this move permanent. I’m fortunate. He has been nothing but supportive about me doing this adoption.”

  “Good. You said sabbatical—are you a professor?” she asked Deion.