Losing Leah

by Tiffany King

  “I heard she was, like, tied to the bed, covered in her own crap,” one of them said.

  “Yuck. TMI, Patricia. My dad says the woman who took her was a real whack job. After going through something like that does anyone really think Mia will ever be normal? I’m surprised she can even hang out in public, you know?”

  I cemented myself to the wall, unable to retreat or to confront them. I stood there listening to a conversation that everyone at the party was likely having about me. Deep down I had been expecting it.

  “Truth. Did you see her when they got here? She looked like she wanted to cry. It’s obvious she’s one step from the loony bin already. I totally feel bad for her,” Patricia said.

  The other girl nodded her head in agreement.

  “I don’t even know how she can go to school. I’d be so humiliated. I once saw this movie where this little girl was, like, forced to raise herself in the woods, and when they finally found her she couldn’t even function and stuff. She was like a wild animal.”

  “That sucks. I don’t even know what to say to her. I mean, do we, like, congratulate her for being rescued or whatever?”

  They both chuckled slightly at the idea.

  “Don’t ask me. To tell you the truth, I’m not sure it’s any more fair for us than it is for her. I mean, should we be subjected to that kind of crazy?”

  I couldn’t take anymore. Forcing my feet to move, I scooted along the side of the wall, keeping the shadows in front of me to remain hidden. I didn’t want to expose them to my “kind of crazy” a second longer. I was so intent on putting distance between us that I wasn’t paying attention to where I placed my feet. The ground disappeared beneath my right foot, making me lose my balance.

  I tumbled sideways into the pool. The water rushed over my head and my only thought was that I had no idea how to swim. Water pulled at my clothes, dragging me away from the surface and down to the bottom of the pool. I pawed at the water for a moment, but went nowhere. All noise from the party evaporated, replaced by blissful silence. I could hear the pounding of my heart. I stopped pawing at the water. It was peaceful beneath the surface. Nothing harmful could reach me under the water. There were no judging looks, no misguided condescension, but, best of all, I wasn’t disappointing anyone. I never wanted to leave. I stopped fighting as I allowed the water to pull me farther down toward the bottom of the pool where I found the darkness I craved. It was glad to see me.

  26

  A SET of strong arms that felt like steel bands encircled my waist, dragging me away from the darkness. I wanted to fight back, to make them leave me alone. Their grasp was relentless though, tugging me toward the light and away from my safe place. My head broke the surface as Jacob waded into the water, taking me from the arms of whoever had rescued me.

  “Mia, are you okay?” Jacob said with panic as he tugged me to the edge of the pool. My rescuer followed behind us, helping me to the steps. “You could have drowned. Why were you so close to the pool?” he asked, pausing in his tirade.

  I was too exhausted to answer and already missed the silence of the bottom of the pool. My legs scraped against the steps and I tried to get myself to a standing position. It took several attempts. My limbs felt like they were made of concrete and I realized it was my wet jeans. “I’m okay,” I said, keeping my eyes down. I could hear everyone snickering and didn’t need to see them doing it too. I had already proved how crazy I was.

  A towel was thrown over my shoulders when my feet hit the deck. I wasn’t even aware my teeth were chattering until Jacob tucked the towel under my chin.

  “Man, I owe you big-time,” Jacob said, holding a fist out to a guy who was soaking wet like I was.

  They knocked knuckles together. “Not a problem. Three summers of lifeguarding. You okay, Mia?”

  “I’m fine,” I answered unconvincingly through chattering teeth.

  Jacob slung another towel across my shoulders. “I better take you home. Mom will have my dumbass head on a pike if you get sick.” He propelled me toward the door after throwing another thank-you at my rescuer. I kept my eyes averted away from everyone else as we left. They could continue their party and say whatever they wanted about me after I was gone. The freak was leaving the building.

  “You sure you’re okay?” Jacob asked, kicking up the heat in the car even though it was mild outside. My teeth were still chattering.

  “Yes. I’m sorry I ruined your party.”

  Jacob shot me a sideways glance. “You didn’t ruin my party. I’m the doucheking who left you alone. I promised Mom I’d take care of you.” He thumped the steering wheel in frustration.

  I wasn’t exactly in a position to contradict anything he said. I didn’t want to seem fragile, but it was hard to stick up for myself after being pulled unwillingly from a pool. Weary from what felt like an endless day, I rested my head against the window. The streetlights broke up the dark, whizzing by the window as we passed them. My eyes felt heavy, like I could have fallen asleep.

  Mom was sitting in the living room crocheting when Jacob and I staggered in ten minutes after leaving the party. Her look of surprise at our early arrival turned to concern when she saw me dripping water all over the hardwood floors. “Mia, what happened?” she asked, jumping to her feet. The question was meant for me, but she looked to Jacob, demanding an answer.

  “I fe-l-l in the pool,” I answered, trying to talk around my knocking teeth.

  “She should get in a hot shower. She’s been shivering like that since she came out of the water,” Jacob said. He was as wet as I was, but didn’t seem to be fazed.

  Mom clucked her tongue. “You should too. She can take a bath in my tub, so you can shower in your bathroom. After that I want an explanation.”

  Jacob nodded, dripping water as he walked away. Mom shuttled me up to her bathroom. She bustled around, turning the water on full blast in a large oval-shaped tub. The only thing I had in my basement bathroom was a walk-in shower stall. Not that Judy would have ever let me use a tub anyway. She believed they were unhygienic. If she saw me now she would freak. Glancing at the stall on the other side of the tub, I wondered if I should insist on showering instead.

  Mom was, of course, oblivious to my dilemma. I watched as she picked up a bottle of scented soap and dumped a generous amount into the tub. Big frothy bubbles popped up on the surface, hiding the water underneath. Only when the bubbles were threatening to escape over the edge of the tub did she twist the water off.

  “I’ll get you some dry clothes while you settle in,” she said, smiling at me before heading out of the bathroom. She closed the door, leaving me to face my demons alone. I glanced again at the shower stall, taking a half-step toward it before changing my mind. Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I stripped out of my sopping wet clothes and stepped into the steaming, deep bathtub. Hot water lapped over my knees. I sank down, letting it wrap me like a cocoon as the water came close to overflowing over the side of the tub. The bubbles tickled my nose, making me smile for the first time that evening.

  I leaned back and closed my eyes, tempted to lower my face under the water, but part of me was afraid I wouldn’t come up again. What happened in the pool was tugging at my thoughts. It was frightening to think about how easy it had been to stay underwater, to give up. It was a part of me I didn’t want to acknowledge. There were so many times in the past I could have given up before my escape. I’d always been so intent on surviving another day, to get to something more. My mind used to trick me into believing that everything would be better if I ever made it outside my room. Now I realized my mind had been lying to me.

  A soft knock on the door broke through my thoughts.

  I sat up, making sure the bubbles were still covering me.

  Mom pushed the door open. “I brought your pajamas,” she said, setting them on the bench seat under the window. “Is the water warm enough?”

  I nodded. “It’s perfect. Thank you for letting me use your bathroom.”

&nbs
p; “Honey, what’s mine is yours. Anytime you want to take a bath or escape Jacob’s mess, it’s yours. So, other than your pool mishap, how did the party go?”

  I reached out a finger and popped one of the bubbles without making eye contact. “It was good,” I lied. I didn’t see the point in telling her what I had overheard. She would only tell me not to listen or something to that effect. The fact was there was nothing she could do to change everyone’s opinions of me.

  “That’s good. Hopefully school on Monday will be a little easier. I know it’s going to be an adjustment, but they’re excited you’ll be attending.”

  I nodded because I knew that’s what was expected of me. Inside, I was screaming. If anything, tonight proved how ill-equipped I was to interact with regular society, let alone my own peers. School would be my own personal hell. I wished I were still at the bottom of the pool.

  * * *

  Sunday was a mixture of terror and nausea. It was on the tip of my tongue all day to beg Mom to let me stay home. To tell her exactly what happened at the party. I wasn’t ready for anything more than staying at home. Rather than beg Mom I broke my vow and texted Gunner.

  Can’t do this, I pecked out slowly. It took me more time than it should have and countless mistakes to finally get the short message typed out. Typing on a glass screen felt weird and my fingers weren’t fond of it.

  Do what? His reply came instantly, which helped ease the knot in my stomach.

  School. I’m not ready.

  You’ve got this, Mia. You’re stronger than you think.

  I miss you.

  No, you don’t. This place is a drag. I miss you too though. Have a Reese’s. That’ll cheer you up.

  His words made me laugh.

  Despite my misgivings, texting Gunner helped, although Monday still arrived long before I was ready.

  * * *

  Jacob was already gone by the time Mom and I left the house.

  “You nervous?” she asked as we backed out of the driveway.

  What a question. I wondered if my slightly green complexion had tipped her off. Nodding my head, I gave up any pretense of being ready for what lay ahead. I had more important things to worry about anyway, like keeping the contents of my breakfast in my stomach.

  “You’re going to be fine, honey.” Mom said, patting my hand at a stop sign. “Before you know it you’ll have a slew of friends and it’ll be me begging you to stay at home with your old mom.”

  I nodded, peering out the window. I didn’t believe her, but if it gave her some measure of comfort then I was all for pretending.

  I don’t know what I was expecting as Mom turned into the school parking lot. “Ready?” she asked, pulling into a visitor’s parking space. I was relieved to see that it at least looked like the schools I had seen on television or read about in books. That was a small bit of comfort.

  “Let’s go,” I said, quaking inside with fear.

  She patted my hand again and opened her car door. “It’s going to be fine.”

  She could keep saying the words but it wouldn’t make them true. I climbed from the vehicle, hiking my new bag up on my shoulder as I warily eyed the building in front of me. Dr. Marshall would say this was an important step in reclaiming my identity. Gunner would have made it bearable. The problem was neither one would be with me.

  Mom guided me into the building and opened the door to a bright office that was chaotic with morning activity. Students stood in clusters at the front desk barking out demands. Most seemed to have grievances about tardies or problems with teachers. Their issues were foreign to me, but I was thankful that they were all too wrapped up in their troubles to give me a glance.

  Mom signed in at a clipboard sitting atop the counter. The woman behind the desk instructed us to take a seat until Ms. Newman, my counselor, could see us. Sitting down, I felt even more inconspicuous as I observed the comings and goings of the students around me. Most of them, like the group of girls standing in a huddle to our left, were treating the office like it was a meeting spot. Their chatter was loud and punctured by even louder squeals. They were hushed more than once, but it was obvious by their giggles they didn’t take reprimands seriously. They finally dispersed and headed out when a loud bell rang throughout the building. The office quickly emptied except for the line of students still waiting to get their schedules fixed.

  A short woman with a wide smile and bright eyes walked out from an office behind the counter. “Mrs. Klein, Mia? Hi, I’m Ms. Newman.” She held out her hand for me to shake. “Mrs. Klein, it’s so good to see you again.” The sincerity in her voice was a pleasant surprise. “Why don’t you follow me to my office so we can chat a little before I release Mia into the jungle?” She smiled and winked to let me know she was joking. I returned her smile though her words made the churning in my stomach even worse.

  Ms. Newman’s office matched her personality. It was bright and cheerful and overflowed with splashes of color. Motivational posters lined the walls, and ceramic animals with goofy faces sat atop almost every available space in the room. The office was almost too stimulating, but I liked it.

  “I printed up your schedule, Mia, and went over your limited transcripts. Your case is unusual since you weren’t previously enrolled in any kind of school. Despite that, we were pleasantly surprised with the scores you received on the series of tests we provided you. They show you to be even slightly more advanced than a typical rising senior. We decided, however, that being around other students your own age would be an easier transition so we’ve placed you in our junior classes.” She nodded at Mom for confirmation, who nodded in return. “Judging by your scores, you might find some of your classes repetitive, and we don’t want you to get bored, so if that becomes an issue we will reevaluate things, okay?” She paused, looking at me.

  I didn’t know what she was expecting from me. I understood everything she had said, but if there was a choice there for me, I didn’t see it. They had no idea where to stick me. That was the point. The girls at the party had been right. “Okay,” I answered, giving them what they wanted.

  Clearly it worked because she beamed at me. “Excellent. I want you to know that I have an open door policy. I am here to help make this transition as easy on you as I can. We all want you to be successful at Dewy High. Do you have any questions for me?” she asked, handing me my schedule.

  I shook my head, fiddling with the strap on my bag. I actually had about a million questions, but I didn’t want to look dumb. The most pressing thing was the schedule I clutched in my hand.

  “All right then,” Ms. Newman said. “I’m going to give you a pass that you can take to Claudia at the front desk. She’ll make sure you get a student aide to walk you to your first-period class. Welcome to Dewy High, Mia,” she said, reaching out her hand.

  Mom stood up and I realized that signaled the end of our meeting. “Thank you for all your help,” Mom said, shaking Ms. Newman’s hand.

  My handshake was less enthusiastic. “Thank you,” I mumbled, studying my schedule to try and make sense of it.

  “My pleasure. Don’t forget about my open door policy, Mia,” she called out as we left her office.

  Mom and I stopped to see Claudia, who was currently on the phone. “I guess I should head out,” Mom said, looking as unsure as I felt. “I’ll pick you up out front after school, okay?” She gave me a quick hug. I had to fight the urge to cling to her and beg her not to leave me. I opened my mouth to ask if I could wait a few more days. Would it really hurt anything? I realized though that a few days weren’t going to help anything. Hiding out was an option I didn’t have.

  27

  I WATCHED as Mom walked out of the office, leaving me behind and all alone. My heart was thundering so hard in my chest it actually hurt.

  “Can I help you?” Claudia asked, hanging up the phone.

  I gulped hard, trying to swallow back my fear. “Ms. Newman said to give you this,” I said, holding out the small piece of paper with shaky
fingers.

  Claudia looked over the pass for a moment. She pulled out of a sheet of paper and filled out the top section. “Give this to each of your teachers and bring it back to me at the end of the day. Here’s a map of the school and your locker number. You’ll need to bring a lock from home.” She handed me the small stack of papers and returned to her computer, dismissing me without another word.

  Standing there gaping at her, I wanted to ask about the student aide Ms. Newman had mentioned, but Claudia had already helped the next student in line. Backing away from the counter, I clutched the stack of papers tightly in my hand. What was I supposed to do now? Panic seized me as I studied the schedule and the map. I had no idea which way to go. A guy wearing a jacket with a lion etched on the back bumped into me. I opened my mouth to mumble an apology, but the words refused to come out.

  Making my way to the door, I pried it open and hugged the wall once I was clear of the office. Air wheezed out of me in painful gasps. An invisible hand inside my chest squeezed my lungs painfully. I slammed my eyes closed, groping for the pills Dr. Marshall had prescribed. I could feel the panic attack creeping in like a stalker.

  “Mia?” a voice called out as my hand closed around the bottle in my pocket.

  My eyes popped open as my lungs continued to torture me. “Yes,” I whispered, staring back at a girl who beamed as she watched me curiously.

  “I’m Heather. I’m supposed to show you to your first-period class,” she said, showing me all her teeth as she smiled brightly.

  Trying to regain control of my erratic breathing, I took a deep breath and exhaled. “I’m Mia,” I answered lamely, remembering that she obviously already knew my name since she had said it. I waited for the inevitable to happen when she would recognize me. At any moment I expected her smile to drop and she would freak out over being paired with the school nutcase.

  The inevitable never happened. Heather seemed to be as nice as she appeared. “Who do you have first period?” she asked, pausing to take a look at my schedule.