The Adventures of Duncan & Mallory: The Beginning

by Robert Asprin

  “How so?”

  “Well I don’t know off the top of my head. Mind you, if he’s hated by everyone in town it shouldn’t be too hard to find a way to get our part fixed.”

  “I don’t see how one thing helps the other.” Duncan rubbed his hands together close to the fire. He didn’t know if his fingers were numb from the cold or from hanging onto the handles of the wheelbarrow so tight for so long. Either way it sucked.

  “Think about it. When I was home there was no one in town that respected me, and I’m guessing it was the same for you?”

  “Respect? They didn’t even like me,” Duncan said. Mallory’s words brought back some bad feelings, but he still had no idea what the dragon was getting at.

  “If you got into trouble at home, if you needed anyone, was there ever anyone you could turn to?”

  “No, no not at all,” Duncan said, nodding his head and feeling like a bit of a dunce because now it seemed clear to him what Mallory was getting at.

  “And that was just because we weren’t respected or liked. Because we were seen as rejects. But this guy has worked hard to make everyone in town indebted to him. He has abused his power and because of this they all hate him—and rightfully so. Who do you think will come help him if he’s in trouble? How easy would it be to get the town’s people to help us make trouble for him if they think we can stop his reign of tyranny?”

  Duncan laughed. “I like the way you think, Mal.”

  “I swear, it’s getting colder by the minute,” Mallory said, and then pointed Duncan towards what was left of a pot of rice with wild onions. Duncan devoured the food, realizing he hadn’t eaten since that morning. It wasn’t nearly enough, but it would have to do.

  “We better head out first light,” Mallory said. “Sooner we get back to the boat the better.”

  But Mallory could have saved his breath. By morning they were huddled together wrapped in all the blankets, both bolts of cloth, and his cloak, and they were still so cold that they were all but lying in the fire pit. They didn’t even stir the coals and make breakfast. They just bundled up as best they could, loaded the wheelbarrow up, and headed off back down the trail they’d marked.

  They took turns pushing the load. Even pushing a fully-loaded wheelbarrow through the woods they got back to the boat in record time. No doubt spurred on by the extreme cold. When they could see the boat they sighed in relief and then Duncan, who was pushing the wheelbarrow, moved double time. Mallory ran ahead of him and opened the door for him. He pushed the wheelbarrow through the open door into the main room and left it there.

  He and Mallory proceeded to get right in each other’s way trying to get to the boiler room to make a fire. Duncan loaded the furnace and Mallory started it going. They worked at getting a big, hot, fire roaring, and then they ran back into the kitchen to soak up the warmth.

  “I have to tell you that I’m not looking forward to winter here. The people I spoke to in town all made it sound pretty rough. Maybe we could just float again and run aground someplace warmer?” Duncan said.

  “As much fun as that sounds like it would be, I think we got lucky, Dunc. We could have just as easily split the boat in two—or three for that matter,” Mallory said.

  Duncan nodded his head in agreement. Then he remembered something. “The shop keep said his wife’s mother’s wart said there was a bad storm coming in a couple of days and… Well, one of those days is gone already. It did get a lot colder last night.”

  Mallory smiled. “Does her wart actually talk to her and give her weather reports, or is it one of those it-tingles-so-it-must-be-going-to-rain things?”

  “I don’t know,” Duncan said. “I didn’t think to ask. Anyway it is colder, and if it’s just going to get worse….”

  “We better get a whole lot more wood,” Mallory finished. He looked really worried. “Normally people have most of the summer to get enough wood for winter.”

  “Then we better quit talking about it and get to work.”

  The wheelbarrow made the job a whole lot easier. They had put the cloak full of supplies into the kitchen and then they got right to work gathering wood. They ran around the woods till it was too dark to work anymore, picking up deadfall, breaking up what they could, sticking it in the wheelbarrow, and dumping load after load on the boat. They carried in bigger pieces that would have to be cut and dealt with later. As the last lights of the day faded to nothing they struggled to get their last load of wood across the gangplank.

  Just as they crossed onto the deck and Mallory opened the door for Duncan to bring the last wheelbarrow in, it started to snow.

  Duncan came from a part of the world where it didn’t snow, so he had no idea what it was when giant white flakes started to fall on him.

  He screamed and ran through the door, pushing the load of wood and nearly knocking Mallory into the river. “The sky is falling! The sky is falling!” He started rubbing at his arms where the snow had hit him. “It’s melting my flesh, it’s….”

  “Snow,” Mallory said with an air of disgust as he closed the door. “It’s frozen rain, you imbecile, not some attack from above. It’s really cold and makes things slick, but other than that it’s harmless. Haven’t you ever seen snow before?”

  “No,” Duncan said, straightening himself. He looked around the room which was now nearly bulging with wood, bamboo, and leaves.

  Mallory looked out the window at the snow now coming down in flakes the size of coins, so quick that the ground was already covered. “I guess that old woman’s wart was right.”

  Chapter Seven

  By morning there was about four inches of snow on the ground, and the river had a thin sheet of ice on it. It was bitter cold. They had slept in the kitchen because even with the steam heat the other rooms weren’t comfortable enough to stay in for long, much less sleep in.

  Mallory let Duncan sleep. The last couple of days he’d worn himself out, and he was after all only a human. Mallory stoked the furnace and got the fire blazing again. Then he wrapped a blanket around his shoulders and went up to the bathroom to see if he could catch some fish for breakfast.

  As luck would have it the fish were biting, and he caught a couple right off. He started to head downstairs with them when he saw the pump that went to the shower tank. He remembered the ice covering the river and had an idea. He pumped till the tank was full then grabbed the fish and went downstairs. The rest of the boat was cold enough he was happy to be back in the nice, warm kitchen, but at least he hadn’t had to chop a hole in the ice to fish.

  Mallory tried the faucet on the kitchen sink and after a couple of bangs and clangs water ran out. At first it was rusty, but then it ran clear. Well, as clear as river water ever was. He filled a pot and put it on to boil.

  The human was right. The boat was full of surprises. They really hadn’t had a chance to check it out in any detail. They’d been way too consumed with such minor things as trying to survive.

  The information Fred had given him was sketchy at best. The demon didn’t know much since he’d spent most of his time when the boat was actually running scaring all hell out of whatever creatures were trying to use it.

  Mallory sighed. He was sure they’d have learn all there was to know about the boat in the coming months. He stuffed a rag in the drain hole, filled the sink part way, and set the fish in it the water.

  He wasn’t looking forward to a long, cold winter confined to the boat but couldn’t think of any way around it.

  On the blanket on the pile of leaves in the corner Duncan started to stir. He made a face and groaned as if he’d awakened to find every muscle in his body knotted up.

  Mallory just shrugged, mostly unconcerned with the human’s comfort. He grabbed one of the rags he’d found and started to clean the cabinets using the water in the sink with the fish in it.

  The cabinets were pretty dirty but the fish didn’t seem to notice when he put the rag in to clean it off and then wrung it out again.

  Dunca
n got up, stretched, and started to go outside to relieve himself. He came back to the kitchen and said in a voice full of surprise, “The ground is white.”

  “That’s the snow.”

  Duncan nodded then put on his boots and his cloak before going outside. As he opened the door Mallory screamed after him, “Be careful! The deck might be….” There was a load crashing sound followed by Duncan cussing a blue streak. “…slick.”

  Mallory walked out of the boat to see Duncan trying to stand up. He put down a hand and helped him to his feet.

  “Just walk very carefully,” the dragon cautioned.

  By the time Duncan got back from his trip he looked like some snow creature. He apparently took offense at the smirk on Mallory’s face and said, holding up his hand with his forefinger and thumb barely apart. “I’m this close to using the bathroom upstairs.”

  He shook himself off like a dog, sending chunks of snow everywhere. He walked quickly to the stove to warm himself.

  “That would make using the water pretty gross, and look.” Mallory turned on the facet and let the fish have some more clean water. “The tank over the shower feeds the kitchen sink, too.”

  Duncan nodded his head in appreciation. One of the fish jumped a little and splashed water everywhere. Duncan walked over and looked down.

  “You already went fishing.” He made a face as he realized what Mallory was doing, “You’re cleaning the cabinets from the water in the sink with the fish.”

  “Yeah so? It’s river water so I’d be using fish water in any case. I don’t see any difference.”

  “Point taken.” Without another word Duncan took the fish and went with them to the boiler room, Mallory guessed to kill and clean them. Mallory changed the water in the sink and finished washing out the rest of the cabinets.

  As he waited for them to dry he rummaged through the wheelbarrow till he found a bag of coffee. He carefully measured it out and then put it into the water that was boiling in the pan on the stove.

  Duncan came in and took a deep, appreciative breath. “I have missed the smell of coffee.”

  “Me, too, not to mention the joy of drinking a hot cup,” Mallory said. Duncan sat the cleaned fish on the counter.

  “The water has frozen all around the boat,” Duncan said curiously.

  “Yes, I’d noticed.” There was clearly something more on Duncan’s mind. Mallory could almost see the wheels turning in the human’s tiny little head.

  “I’m going to take the head and guts up to the bathroom. I’ll pump the water tank full again then dump the guts in the toilet. The fish should have them all eaten before we need to fill the water tank again.” In the door Duncan stopped and Mallory was sure he was going to say whatever was on his mind, but then he just started walking again.

  Mallory shrugged, strung the fish on the wire and hung them in the oven. Then he started putting all the food supplies away in the cabinets, glad to see that they were nearly full when he’d finished.

  Duncan came back in and walked over to the stove to warm himself and said, “All the steam heat does is make the rest of the boat bearable, not really warm.”

  “That’s what I thought. But in a warmer climate it would probably be enough to make the other rooms comfortable. Between you and me, I’ve been to a lot of places and at all times of the year. Now I admit I purposely try to winter someplace warm, but I have never been anywhere that got even as cold as it already is here.”

  Duncan nodded but there was still something un-weather-related on his mind.

  “So what is it?” Mallory asked, checking the oven to see if the fish were done yet, which they weren’t.

  “Huh?” Duncan asked.

  “What’s churning around in your insignificantly small human brain?”

  “Ah, nothing.” Duncan shrugged. Then his head jerked up as if he’d just heard what Mallory said. “Hey!”

  Mallory looked at Duncan and tapped his claws on the floor expectantly.

  Duncan looked some embarrassed but then just spit it out. “You’re a boy, right?”

  “I’m a male of course,” Mallory said, taking immediate offense.

  “Don’t get mad. That’s what I thought. But…where’s your…?” He continued in a whisper and winced as he spoke, “Was there a terrible accident?”

  Mallory laughed so hard a little fire came out his nose. For several seconds he was so amused he couldn’t even think to answer. Finally he calmed down enough to say, “It’s retractable and quite sound, thank you.”

  “Oh! Oh, good,” Duncan said, ducking his suddenly red face.

  Mallory laughed more. “So how long have you wanted to ask that question?”

  * * * *

  Bilgewater and Sadie had made it to the big city of Jerk Water proper just before winter hit. They had found a decent, reasonably-priced stable for their mounts and inexpensive quarters for themselves. They planned to hole up there through the worst of the weather.

  And Jerk Water was certainly not low on places to find a game or a party. If they played their cards right—both literally and figuratively—they should be able to winter in comfort and even in style.

  A particularly ripe night at one of the town’s many casinos had left them feeling flush, and they found the need to spend a lot of coin. They had gone to one of the better restaurants in town and ordered the surf and turf meal and a not-inexpensive bottle of red wine. In fact their meals had just arrived when Sadie started pointing none too delicately to someone behind Bilgewater.

  “Look who that is,” she said in an excited whisper. Realizing that she was on the verge of making a spectacle of herself she quit pointing and pretended to be swatting a bug out of the air.

  Bilgewater turned only slightly and glanced fleetingly over his shoulder. When he saw who it was he cringed.

  “Should we maybe slip out the back way?” Sadie asked.

  Bilgewater looked at the delectable dinner he hadn’t yet been able to taste and shook his head. “I don’t think we should let that moron ruin our meal. Ignore him. Chances are he won’t even recognize us.”

  “I think… Yes, he’s waiting tables,” Sadie said, and started cutting her steak up—all of it at once—into square pieces that, as far as Bilgewater could tell, were all the exact same size.

  “Why do you do that?” Bilgewater asked around the not-too-delicate piece of meat he was chewing on.

  “What?” Sadie asked in confusion. “I think he just saw us.”

  “Look, just ignore him and enjoy your meal. If he is still angry we’ll blame everything on Duncan and Mallory. After all, they aren’t here to defend themselves, and they took the bulk of his purse, not us.”

  Sadie nodded. “Works for me.”

  They had eaten their dinner and had just been served dessert. “Looks like we’re in the clear. Our friend seems to have forgotten us.”

  “Think again. He’s headed this way,” Sadie said.

  “No problem. Follow my lead. Dig into your dessert and pretend not to notice him till he gets here.”

  Sadie just nodded and focused on her slice of cheesecake, cutting the entire thing into neat, perfect squares.

  Bilgewater just shook his head and smiled.

  “Hey, I know you two,” the man said in a deep, angry whisper. The fact that he was whispering told Bilgewater that the man didn’t want to make a scene. No doubt he couldn’t afford to lose his crappy job waiting tables, which meant the fellow had fallen on hard times.

  Bilgewater stood up, suddenly towering over the much larger man who’d been bent over to catch his ear. He stuck out his hand. “Humphrey isn’t it? So nice to see you again. Sadie and I were going to go look for a game later. Care to join us?”

  Humphrey straightened up. “Join you! You two and your fancy lizard friend took me for every penny I had. You even stripped the clothes from my back, then you two skipped town.”

  “We did not skip town, did we, Sadie?”

  “No, I don’t even think we jogged
a little,” Sadie said, still making uniform squares of her cheese cake.

  “Come on. I know you two were cahoots with that that dragon and his Romancer pal.”

  “Why, sir! How dare you slander me and my lady friend? It was a friendly card game, a fair and just one as I recall. As for us being in cahoots with those two scoundrels, I can assure you that could not be farther from the truth,” Bilgewater said noticing that Sadie had started eating her little squares of dessert, acting as if this entire exchange had nothing to do with her.

  This was of course why Sadie was so good with cards. She was capable of just disengaging from what was going on around her and focusing only on what she wanted to focus on. As if to prove his point she said, “You should have ordered the cheese cake. It is divine.”

  “Perhaps next time, Sadie,” Bilgewater said, and sat back down.

  “You have any idea where that dragon and his friend are?” Humphrey asked.

  “None at all,” Bilgewater said, then added just to give credence to his words, “but if I did don’t think I’d give him to you first. That dragon has more of our coin than he has of yours.”

  “I suppose you know nothing about those two beating me up and leaving me for dead, then,” Humphrey said, looking at Bilgewater with distrust and more than a little malice.

  The maître d’ strolled over to their table, no doubt having seen Humphrey’s posture. “Is their some problem here?” he asked, glaring at Humphrey.

  Sadie smiled her most brilliant smile and said, “None at all. We’ve had a delightful meal and were just catching up with our old friend, Humphrey.”

  “Well I’m afraid I will have to steal Humphrey from you. There seems to be a problem at one of his tables.” The maître d’ pointed towards a thin, blue creature with a tail who was holding up an empty glass and twirling it around his head. He clutched at his throat with his empty hand and coughed dramatically.

  Humphrey nodded to the maître d’ then glared at Bilgewater and went off to take care of his table.

  “Do you believe Duncan and Mallory beat that man up?” Sadie asked thoughtfully.