by K. M. Scott
So I let it go in all senses of the word, and now I was officially unemployed. Between jobs sounded better. I still had some of my trust fund left, so I wasn’t poor.
Well, that wasn’t exactly the truth either.
I couldn’t tell Diana that, though. Better for her to think I owned some seedy joint in the city than the truth.
“So you’re the owner and manager?” she asked.
Desperate to change the subject suddenly, I said, “Yeah, but it’s not something I love anymore. I dream about leaving it all behind and moving back to the area where we grew up and living a quiet life.”
“Why don’t you?”
The way she said that sounded so immediate. She made it sound like I could do it in the blink of an eye. If only that were true.
“It’s just a dream,” I said with a shrug. I hadn’t expected her to be so encouraging, and now I felt like I was just digging the hole deeper with more lies.
“I haven’t done anything to make it come true.” That wasn’t a lie. I hadn’t.
“You shouldn’t wait to make your dreams come true. Trust me. Make every day count or one day you’ll wake up and years will have gone by and you’ll have nothing to show for it,” she said quietly.
The support evident in her words of encouragement disappeared when she said that, replaced by sadness so clear in her voice that I winced. No doubt it referred to her life and not mine, but still I couldn’t help but feel it.
Then, as if she’d decided she didn’t want me to see her that way, she smiled and asked, “Would you like to see where I live? You made such an effort to find my room today I thought maybe you’d like to see it.”
Surprised by her offer but happy, I said, “Sure. Lead the way.”
A couple minutes later, she opened the door to a room at the end of the hallway and welcomed me in. I didn’t know what I’d expected, but I silently wondered why Tristan Stone’s daughter stayed in a room that barely qualified as a suite. More like one-and-a-half rooms, Diana’s place had a bedroom and a sitting area with a table in the corner that mimicked a dining table.
Spreading her arms wide, she looked around and said, “This is it. I don’t want you to think that anyone made me stay here, like my family forced me to live in this tiny room. They didn’t. I chose to do that. It was all me. Now I’m choosing to find someone else to live, though.”
“It’s hard to start over in a new place. That’s pretty strong of you.”
She blushed again like before. “I don’t know if I’m strong. I’m just focused on doing something new for a change. It’s time that I left this gilded cage I made for myself. I was scared of a lot of things for a long time. I’m still scared, but I’m more afraid of losing myself and waking up ten years from now and not having anything but these rooms to show for those years.”
Regret hung off every word. I didn’t know exactly what scared her, but it still seemed pretty damn strong to leave a place of her choice and not because someone else decided it was time for her to go.
We sat down on the couch in the outer room and I said, “I understand being scared. I never told you how much being with you meant to me for those few months back in senior year.”
“What do you mean? I don’t understand what I could have done.”
“Everything my father was going through terrified me. I thought I’d have to leave school and might not graduate. I wasn’t sure where we’d end up living since the Feds took our house. For a kid who’d never had to worry about anything when it came to money, life became scary overnight. My grandmother was willing to take my brothers and me in, thank God. But that whole time you and I were together, I spent the rest of my time unsure about everything else in my world. Only those hours we were together gave me peace. I never thanked you for that, but you helped me, Diana.”
The smile I received in return for my confession lit up her face. “I didn’t know a lot of what you were going through back then, Cole. I’m glad I was able to help when you needed it.”
Normally at that point in the conversation with a woman as we sat in her hotel room, I’d make a move and we’d head to the bed. I didn’t want to do that, though. Not yet, anyway.
“I better get going. It’s been a long day, and I’m starting to come down hard from those six cups of coffee,” I said as I stood to leave.
“Someday, I hope you explain about that coffee overdose,” she said with a smile, looking up at me with those beautiful blue eyes so full of kindness and innocence.
Even though I had no more right to be with her now than I did all those years ago, I didn’t care. I liked how I felt when she looked at me like she was at that moment, like I was worthy of her goodness.
“Do you want to hang out again?”
She stood and walked over to the makeshift dining table in the corner of the room. “So you don’t have to hang out in the hotel lobby skulking around again, let me give you my number.”
Handing me the piece of paper with her number on it, she smiled. “Next time, just call.”
I laughed at her poking fun at me. “I will.”
Diana followed me to the door, and when I turned around, she wrapped her arms around me in a hug I hadn’t expected. All the emotions she’d brought out in me a decade ago rushed back, and I hugged her, loving the feel of her against me.
Against my chest, she said, “It was so wonderful to get to talk to you again, Cole. I hope we can spend time together again.”
“Me too.”
I wanted to say more, but I didn’t know how to put my feelings into words. I couldn’t remember the last time I just sat and talked with a woman. There was usually no talking. Just sex. But this was better than sex, somehow.
When she released her hold on me, I backed up a step and smiled, not wanting to leave. “Next time, I’m calling. I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Talk to you soon,” she said sweetly.
As I walked through the lobby, feeling like I was floating on air, I still looked around to make sure Ethan or his parents weren’t there. As much as I liked hanging out with Diana again, I knew nothing had changed since we were teenagers. Nobody would want us to be together.
And they weren’t wrong. She was still too good for me. But I didn’t care this time either.
Chapter Nine
Diana
My stomach felt like butterflies were inside it doing flips. After a decade of not speaking, Cole and I met and had a great time. I didn’t get so anxious that I ran away, and he didn’t seem to care that I lived in this hotel room like some kind of weirdo.
I couldn’t sit still. Jumping up from the couch, I paced the full length of my room, full of energy for the first time in ages. I spent an hour talking to a man, and it didn’t turn out a disaster. I’d been so sure it would when it finally happened. But it went wonderfully.
Sure, I’d felt awkward, and I didn’t know what to say most of the time, even though I should have since it was Cole. Still, I did it. I sat there and acted like a normal human being. No running away. No breaking down when I thought he was staring at my scar. No saying something stupid because my anxiety got the better of me.
As my mind raced with possibilities for our next meeting, someone knocked at my door. Had Cole returned? No, he wouldn’t do that. He just left. But maybe…
I hurried to the door to see if it was him. Looking through the peephole, I saw Ethan standing in the hallway and quickly opened the door to let him in.
“Ethan! I didn’t expect you to come by today,” I said as I pulled him into my room, happy he hadn’t shown up ten minutes ago.
He walked in and headed toward the table on the far side of the room. Usually he sat down on the couch with me when he came to visit. As I closed the door, I noticed he seemed tense, like he was upset.
“Are you okay? Did something happen with Daddy?” I asked as I walked toward him. “Do you want something to drink?”
Ethan shook his head. His mouth turned down in a frown that told me somethin
g was wrong.
“Did you and Summer have a fight? We were just out shopping for our dresses today. Nothing happened, right? You’re still getting married, aren’t you?” I asked while with each passing moment of silence I felt myself get more panicked.
My breath caught in my chest. Cole left not ten minutes before Ethan arrived. Had he seen Cole leave my room? Had he run into him in the lobby and figured out he’d been to see me?
“Ethan, what’s going on? This isn’t like you not to talk. What’s wrong?” I asked as I took a step toward him and reached out to touch his hand.
My brother’s silence combined with the unhappy scowl on his face made me more uncomfortable than I knew how to deal with, so I took a deep breath and tried to collect my thoughts so when they came out of my mouth I didn’t sound like a madwoman. I knew he’d be furious about the Cole thing, but I wasn’t a teenage girl anymore. I didn’t need my brother to shoo away potential boyfriends to protect me. Cole and I had done nothing wrong.
I was a grown woman who had the right to speak to anyone I wanted to, including one of my brother’s friends.
Ethan marched around me and began pacing like I had just minutes earlier. I watched him stop at the door and then turn around, his expression still a clear indication of how unhappy he was.
“Why won’t you talk to me? You came all the way here to see me, but you don’t plan to say anything? What’s going on?”
He opened his mouth and closed it shut, pressing his lips together for a moment. Then he took a deep breath in and let it out through his nose. “I just talked to Dad. He told me you’re thinking about moving. He’s wrong, isn’t he? You aren’t really thinking about moving, are you?”
My body sagged in relief. Ethan wasn’t here about my time with Cole or anything like that. All he wanted to talk about was my moving out of the hotel. As a sense of relaxation washed over me, I sat down on the couch.
“That’s all you came here for? You looked so unhappy I thought it was something serious. Come. Sit with me. You look like every muscle in your body is twisted into knots.”
His dark eyes flashed anger. “This is serious, Diana. Moving out of here is a huge deal.”
“You’re making a big deal out of this, but it was always going to happen, Ethan. You don’t have to worry. I’m going to be fine. I’m going to find a nice place somewhere. Just wait until you see it. You’re going to love it. I’ve already got things planned in my head. When I’m settled in, I’m going to have a dinner party! You and Summer will be invited, along with Tressa and Killian and Mommy and Daddy. I can’t wait! It will be my first time entertaining.”
All my enthusiasm for my future housewarming party for all my family did nothing to fix his mood. He still frowned like he heard not a single word that made him see how excited I was about this move.
“I don’t think this is the right time, Diana. Seriously, I think you should wait.”
“Why? It’s time. I’ve lived here for too long already. I need to get back out into the world and start living. You understand what that means to me more than anyone. I was never going to stay in this room forever.”
He began to pace again, shaking his head at every word I uttered in defense of my leaving. Why was he so against this?
“I just don’t think it’s time. You’re not ready.”
“Why would you say that? I’m more than ready,” I protested, feeling under attack by his comments.
I tried to continue speaking, but he cut me off. “Where will you go? You can’t drive, so that limits where you can live. The hotel here is centrally located, so you can get to anything you need.”
“So what if I can’t drive? Most New Yorkers don’t have cars anyway. It’s the city, Ethan. I don’t need to drive anywhere, and if I need to, I can order a car to take me anywhere I want. What’s wrong with you? You’re never like this. What’s really wrong?”
I tried to grab his hand on one of his passes by me toward the door, but he wouldn’t let me. I’d never seen Ethan so upset with me. He was my best friend in the world and the one member of my family I counted on more than anyone else, and now he wouldn’t even let me touch him. I didn’t understand why he was so unhappy about my moving on with my life.
“Diana, you’re safe here,” he said with his back turned toward me. “Have you thought about that in wherever you plan to go? How safe will you be?”
My chest began to hurt from how he was acting. “Safe from what? I’m not going to move into a place that doesn’t have security. If that’s what you’re worried about, you don’t have to be. I promise you that I’ll find a place with a doorman and a great security system. I’ll be fine, Ethan.”
He spun around and glared at me with a look I’d never seen from him before. “How can you be sure? You can’t, Diana! You can’t!”
I stood up and walked over to him. He didn’t move away when I took his hand in mine and said, “It’s time I leave here. I know it’s scary, but I have to, Ethan. Please understand. I need to move on with my life.”
For a moment, I thought I saw in his eyes that he did understand why I needed to do this now, but he just shook his head and walked away. I stood staring at my hotel room door confused why the one person in the world who had always supported me in everything now seemed intent on stopping me from doing something so good for me.
Behind me, he mumbled something about the timing being terrible. I turned to see him standing on the other side of the room like we were enemies fighting on two wholly different sides and felt more alone than ever before in my life.
“Why can’t you support me in this? Of all the people I thought would be on board with me leaving this hotel, I thought you would. Ethan, what’s going on here?”
He didn’t speak for a long time, but finally he sighed and said, “I just think it’s something you should wait on. That’s all.”
My heart broke from his inability or unwillingness to support me when I needed him most, and right there in that place I’d been shut up in for so long, at long last I said what I truly felt. “So only you and Tressa get to be happy? Is that how it is, Ethan? You get to grow and change, but I have to stay that broken thing I was right after the accident. You get to find happiness, while all I get to have are these four miserable walls?”
By the time I finished, my voice had grown so loud I was screaming the words four miserable walls. Tears rolled down my cheeks as the wonderful day I’d spent first with Summer and then with Cole disappeared, replaced by the sadness the person I loved most in this world had brought to me. It made everything else I’d felt that day mean nothing.
My brother stared at me, his eyes wide in shock from my yelling. I never raised my voice. Not with him. Not with anyone. I was always sweet and nice Diana or completely fucked up Diana who could barely get through a day without having her anxiety take over and make her an utter mess.
But never had I been the Diana he saw a moment ago. That person was hurt that the brother she loved so much couldn’t be happy for her when she so desperately needed him to be.
“I can’t talk to you about this. You don’t understand what I’ve been through, Ethan. You don’t understand what it’s like to live in this room for years, afraid to even leave without someone holding your hand. And then when you do finally work up the courage to decide it’s time to live your life, you hear you’re not ready or you should wait. No one else is told to wait, but I have to because I’m not ready. Well, I’ve never been more ready.”
After I finished, I sat down on the couch. His visit had exhausted me. I felt like I’d been beaten down by his negativity, and I didn’t have the defenses I needed to deal with that from him. Of all the people I believed would support me in this, I thought Ethan would be the cheerleader he always was for me.
And I couldn’t believe how wrong I’d been.
“I understand everything you’ve been through,” he said softly as he took a step toward the couch. “I do, Diana. I just worry about you. I always have. Ev
er since we were kids. I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t tell you that you moving makes me worried.”
“It’s going to be okay, Ethan. Everything will be okay. It’s really not that big a deal, actually. People move all the time. Now’s just my time. You didn’t think I’d live here at the hotel forever, did you?”
He took another step and stopped. Nodding, he said, “I know. I guess I just freaked out a little when Dad told me you’d decided to move. I just figured there’d be some talk about it first, some discussion about what your plans are and everything. That’s all. I guess it just caught me off guard.”
Wiping the tears from my cheeks, I said, “I have to get out of this room. It’s long past time. I know you say you understand how I feel, but I don’t think you do understand. This place is like a prison. I made it myself, and I take full responsibility for that. But I need to leave here.”
“Why does it have to be right now? What if you wait a while? You might have to, you know. Finding the right place can be hard. It might take months for that.”
Everything coming from my brother made me feel wrong for wanting to have a life. I wasn’t wrong. I deserved to live as I chose to, didn’t I?
When he continued to talk about how hard it would be to find a new apartment, all I heard were discouraging words. He had been shocked by my screaming, so now he wanted to sweet talk me into not moving.
Word after word of how I needed to be careful and slow down and how much harder moving was than I thought flowed from his mouth, but not a single one that told me he’d be by my side like he always had been. I didn’t know this Ethan, and I didn’t like how he made me feel.
Suddenly, I couldn’t listen to any more negative comments about the one thing I wanted to do with my life. As he continued to try to talk me out of it with his phony words of wisdom, I picked up an empty glass from the coffee table in front of me and threw it as hard as I could at the wall. It hit with a loud thud and then shattered into pieces that flew everywhere.