by J. E. Cluney
A chill had swept through me, and I wanted away from this lively group. I wanted to hide away with my mind and sit in the dark, the numbness washing over me.
“I couldn’t stop him,” I mumbled.
“Hey, how about we get you some fresh air?” he suggested as he pushed his chair out and stood.
I didn’t argue as he helped me stand and led me out through that same door I’d made my escape through after driving the kitchen knife into Richard’s chest.
I felt the eyes on me, but no one called out or made any scene, which I was grateful for. I knew my boys would be concerned once they were out of the kitchen, but I needed to be away from them too, they couldn’t understand this.
Ray sat me down on a small bench on the porch, plopping down beside me and wrapping an arm around my shoulders.
“It’s hard. I’ve watched so many of our she-wolves battle with their demons. What Richard did broke many of them. They all reacted in different ways, dealt with it in their own way. I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel, but you’re not alone in this. You did nothing wrong, and there’s nothing wrong with you because of what he did,” Ray said softly. His words were sincere and full of understanding, and I took comfort in it. My boys didn’t grow up under a tyrant who did this, they didn’t understand. But Ray did, and for that I was grateful. I wished it had never existed for him, but there was no rewinding the clock.
“I feel dirty, like he took something from me,” I sniffled, hating how my eyes stung with unshed tears.
“You probably feel like he took your power, your strength. But you took it all back when you killed him,” Ray said firmly, catching my chin in his fingers to stare at me in awe. “You took him down, you saved us all. Your brother, lovers and father may have helped, but it was you who took his power, you took everything from him.”
I stared into Ray’s strong, dark eyes, a sense of relief flooding through me.
His words were true, and I knew it. He may have taken my power, proved me to be weak for a moment, but I took it back. I was not worthless and incapable. I had to remember that, cling to it like it was my lifeline. Because with the way my mind had spiraled so often lately, it was.
“Thank you, for everything you’ve done,” Ray gave me a small smile as he pressed his lips to my forehead.
I sucked in a shaky breath as I nuzzled into his warm chest.
“Your mother seems nice, very cheerful,” I murmured.
His chest rumbled as he chuckled, and I smiled stupidly at the sensation.
“Momma focuses on us, her two boys. She says that despite what Richard did, the gods favored her and gave her me. And I was nothing like him.”
“She’s right, you’re nothing like him. You’re sweet and kind, selfless and brave,” I murmured as I raised my head to look at him.
He caught his breath at our sudden closeness, and I searched his eyes slowly as I inched closer.
His lips brushed mine ever so lightly, and those chocolate eyes dilated as he gave me a confused and questioning look.
I closed my eyes as I moved my mouth against his, and it was all the permission and coaxing he needed as he kissed me deeply. He moaned as his hands fluttered down my body, uncertain as to where to rest them for fear of hurting me. He settled for just holding my face steady as he drank me up.
We broke for air, and I quivered as heat rushed through my body.
“Wow,” he chuckled sheepishly as he moved back. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean...” he looked away shamefully.
“I wanted to kiss you,” I frowned. Did he really think he’d taken advantage of me?
He just smiled, his eyes flicking to me with an innocent look.
Then it hit me as a grin broke across my face.
“You’ve kissed a girl, right?” I teased, and his face flushed as his eyes darted away.
“Yes,” he grumbled. “Once.”
“Oh,” I said, quite surprised by this. He was a fine-looking young man, surely he’d played around. The look of innocence and utter anxiousness made it painfully clear.
“Oh.” My face dropped to one of pity. He was Richard’s son, and he probably shared blood with many of the other young ‘wolves, women included.
“We should head back inside,” he said as he shot to his feet, wiping his sweaty palms against his jeans.
“Ray,” I murmured.
He stiffened as I carefully climbed to my feet, my body still aching and my leg protesting at bearing so much weight.
He caved and slid an arm around my waist to help me.
“I’m sorry, I can’t help myself sometimes,” I apologized. “You’ve been so wonderful to me, the kind of guy any girl would be lucky to have,” I sighed as we started for the door.
“I wanted to kiss you too,” he finally whispered, almost inaudible.
I looked up at him, adoring the small smile playing at his delicious lips.
We got back inside, and Nathan was straight over and taking me from Ray carefully. I went to protest but caught myself.
My boys had accepted one another, but how would they feel about this new interest of mine?
Fuck.
Ray rejoined his family at the table, his eyes lingering on me as Nathan asked if I wanted to stay or call it a night.
I wanted to stay. I’d been stuck in bed long enough, I was in no rush to return to it. He led me over to a vacant armchair alone by the old stone fireplace.
“Is everything all right?” Chris asked in a hushed tone as he walked over to stand beside me. Some of our group had moved to the couches while Neema stood off to the side speaking with Charlotte and Henry. Ray and his family had stayed at the table as they spoke with my father.
Scott and Jaye had taken the two fold-up tables away and were getting everything back in order.
“I just needed some air. The last few days haven’t been too great, but Ray helps clear my head. He’s lived with this his whole life,” I said softly.
It took my brother a moment before he realized what I meant. His whole body tensed as the muscle along his jaw spasmed in frustration and helplessness.
“Dad already spoke to May about starting a program for the women. To help them recover and move on,” he growled, unable to hide his anger for me.
“Good, that’s good,” I breathed. It was something they could all use. Maybe even I could use.
“To use and abuse the women in your Pack like that, it makes me sick,” he hissed.
“There was something deeply wrong with him,” I agreed.
Chris scowled as I settled into the armchair, my gaze slowly finding its way back to Ray. He was joking with his brother while their mother chided them both. I liked seeing him with his family.
I’d seen Nathan with his plenty of times, when he’d taken me out to visit them. He had siblings, a younger sister called Caroline, and two younger brothers, Benjamin and Travis. Then there was Thomas, his older brother. The way they got along only made me fall for him more.
Scott and Jaye had to adopt their families here. Scott having been a lone ‘wolf for some time when he was banished from his Pack after his mother passed away suddenly. He was deemed too much of a threat to the Alpha title, so they kicked him out. My father found him and took him in, and he became a valued member of our Pack in no time. And his way with children, his tenderness and love for them, it was beyond anything I could’ve hoped. He spent many days tucked away in his workshop building some of the most exquisite toys, from trains and carved animals to little wagons and go-karts. My favorite had been when a little boy begged him for a cart for his little shetland pony they kept in a field by their cottage. Scott went out and measured that hectic little creature and made a cart to size, and when it was done, he got Nathan to help him train the little terror to pull the cart without being an ass about it. The little muddy brown shetland had been a tough one to break, but Nathan got him good after a while. The little boy was beyond grateful, and I’d seen him ride that little shetland and cart around th
e ranch plenty, delivering ‘goods’ to everyone. This was mostly flowers and pretty objects he’d found. He eventually outgrew the pony and cart, and his parents gave him to another family on the ranch. Sadly the shetland passed away after a bad case of founder and colic. I still treasured the sight of that boy in his beautifully hand-crafted cart.
By the time I was delivered to my bed by a worn out Jaye, I was exhausted. I collapsed into the ugly olive green bed, my body groaning and aching as I curled up, ignoring the throbbing in my leg.
Jaye stood up, but I latched onto his arm.
“Stay, please,” I murmured.
I didn’t want to be alone in this room, this horrid lodge with such shitty memories. I wanted to go home, but the realization that as Alpha of this Pack, I had to stay here now.
So many questions came with it, too many for me to handle and deal with tonight.
For now, I wanted to feel safe and loved. To drift off into a peaceful sleep if possible.
Jaye obeyed as he slipped into bed behind me, pulling the covers up to cover us.
He gently slid his arm around my waist, and I shuffled back so he could spoon me properly. It was one of my favorite places to be, nestled in the arms of one of my boys like this.
Jaye nuzzled my back as he held me close, his warmth easing me as I closed my eyes.
I was not alone. I was safe.
I was alive.
13
I awoke to Jaye’s soft snores, and I snuggled into his side as he lay on his back. He’d abandoned his shirt at some point, and I played with the soft feathering of chest hair as I thought back to my dreams. Thankfully not nightmares.
I was racing through the forest, the power and energy of the Alpha surging through me, filling me with all its divine strength and essence. The rush and sheer power I felt, it fought off the darker thoughts that begged to come to the forefront of my mind.
I had taken back the power, as Ray had said. I was in control of my life, no one else.
“Good morning,” Jaye mumbled, his eyes still closed as his arm gently pulled me closer. “How you feeling?”
“Better, much better,” I answered honestly. I felt the best in days, my body only filled with soft aches here and there, easily dismissed. My swollen eye had healed almost fully by yesterday, the bruising almost gone too. I imagined it was completely back to normal now, as were most of my bruises and injuries. The only thing that still seemed to be recovering was my leg. He’d really done a good job mangling that.
“We should head out, I imagine everyone else is up. Tonight is the feast to celebrate, the first communal gathering and the night to share all the information around that has been discussed,” Jaye yawned.
“What if I’m not ready to be an Alpha?” I murmured as I clung to him.
“I don’t think many are ready. But sometimes it’s just time. You do what you can and stay true to yourself while doing what’s best for the Pack,” Jaye said as he pulled himself into a sitting position.
“How do you think it’ll go?”
“The dinner? I’m not sure. May told us that the Alpha never joined them for communal dinners, and they were all self-prepared and set out in the forest. Scott, Chris, Nathan and I will set up the eating area today. There’s enough of a clearing outside the lodge to hold everyone, and May has offered to gather up some women to use the kitchen. They’ll bring some ingredients as the kitchen wasn’t really stocked too great. All members of the Pack will be there, it’s a mandatory meeting followed by dinner,” Jaye explained. It felt strange that I was supposedly Alpha but knew nothing of what was happening. I really needed to talk to my father and Neema about the plans they’d discussed.
Jaye begrudgingly moved to perch on the edge of the bed as he yawned and stretched.
“C’mon, I’m sure Nathan will be eager to get some breakfast sorted for you,” he mumbled as he stood up and offered me his hand.
I stared down at the disheveled clothing I wore from yesterday. But food sounded good, I’d change after.
Jaye didn’t need to help me walk this morning despite his attempts. I just brushed him off, stating I wanted to do this myself.
My leg managed fine, and I knew that it was the last piece of me that would be fully healed in a few days. You’d never know what had happened to me.
But I’d know. I’d know how that monster defiled my body, how he had had his horrific way with me.
I shoved the thoughts aside as we reached the living area. Neema and my father were at one table enjoying some breakfast while Scott and Chris sat on one of the couches conversing animatedly.
“Pancakes?” Nathan called from the kitchen as he peeked out the window.
“Sounds great,” Jaye called back, giving me a sideways glance to which I nodded.
We joined my father and Aunt, and I stretched and gave them a groggy wave good morning.
“You’re looking much better,” Neema remarked as her eyes twinkled with delight.
“I feel it too,” I mumbled as I slumped against the table. God, I was still tired. Maybe I’d crawl back into bed after breakfast.
“So, tonight you properly take the position of Alpha. Reggie will make it known as he’s an elder,” my father said as he pushed his empty plate of crumbs to the side.
“Where is he?” I asked.
“Home, Frank is staying with him. I think that old ‘wolf may even want to stay here. We don’t have many elders back home, most have moved on, and the next generation is too young. Frank has a good friend in Reggie,” my father said with a bemused smile.
“Right,” I nodded.
“We need to figure out what your first few steps will be as Alpha,” my father went on, and I groaned.
“Can’t we talk about something else until after breakfast, hell, I need a goddamn coffee,” I grumbled.
“On it,” Jaye shot up and was off to the kitchen before I could protest. I was capable of getting my own coffee, but everyone seemed determined to handle everything for me.
“Fine, we’ll talk after,” my father sighed as he sipped his morning coffee. I could smell the rich, black coffee from here, the fragrance alone waking me up a little more.
“We’ve agreed I’ll stay here with you. Join this Pack and help advise you. Besides, I wasn’t sure if you wanted to continue your training,” Neema cocked her head at me curiously.
“I wasn’t sure if I even could,” I murmured. “If I’m Alpha, how can I be a Huntress as well?”
“With Richard gone, there are no other Packs around the area who’d dare try to raid and intrude. The place is much safer now, both Packs are safer now. But Hunters and Huntresses are always needed, and even if you’re Alpha, you can still be a Huntress. You will have to take on betas who can take care of the Pack in your absence if it’s truly what you want to do,” Neema’s soft voice and revealing words made me sit up. I hadn’t forfeited my chance to be a Huntress? That made my heart soar as I grinned and let out a relieved breath.
“I do want to still become a Huntress. It was what has pushed me for so long, something I can do to make a change, be something greater,” I said as I bit my lip.
“Putting Richard down and becoming the Alpha is a pretty big thing. But Neema can still train you. Being a Huntress and the Alpha can be two things that go well together. You’ll be equipped to take care of your Pack in a way I never could. The way you fought Richard that first time, it made me proud,” my father smiled as he leaned back in his wooden chair, resting his arm over the back of it. “I was so worried about you becoming a Huntress, especially since the stuff with your mom, but I know it was necessary. Without Neema, it could’ve become something quite ugly,” he said as he chewed his lip and frowned at the fireplace, avoiding both mine and Neema’s surprised gazes.
“I never thanked you for saving us that night,” he murmured. “And you left because you no longer felt like you belonged. I’m sorry I made you feel that way.” He finally met Neema’s eyes with a sad smile.
; I sat stunned as Neema just nodded and patted his hand, but it felt like an old shadow had been lifted from their relationship. Neema’s eyes twinkled in delight and relief, and I could see how much this meant to her.
I was beyond happy for this sudden change.
“You are both welcome home anytime,” he added as his gaze shifted to me.
“I don’t want to stay in this place,” I frowned. Was he saying I had to live here? In this damned lodge where the walls held secrets and dark memories I didn’t want to stir.
“We’ve spoken about this, I think it’s best we tear this place down and build something more suitable as a communal building. Like our home,” my father said, his tone back to ringing with authority now that he’d gotten things out with Neema. I could tell it had been hard for him, it was not easy for him to admit he was wrong or apologize, but I sure was grateful he had.
“I don’t want it built here then,” I said as I shook my head stubbornly.
“Fine. We’ll find a new spot to build the main building, make sure there are offices, a big, well-stocked kitchen, a movie theater, all the things that are of use to the Pack. No more of this out-of-bounds shit,” my father waved a dismissive hand at the thought.
The conversation was cut short as Jaye returned with a hot coffee for me, and I could smell the cream and sugar he’d remembered I liked. Nathan followed him with a stack of fresh pancakes, and my mouth went slack at the sight. Damn, they looked delicious. He’d made plain ones, blueberry ones, banana, and it even looked like there were chocolate chip ones.
Scott and Chris were quick to join us, despite Nathan scolding them since they’d already had breakfast. There was plenty enough to go around though.
I heaped a bunch of them onto my plate, not picky about the flavors as I poured some thickened cream over the top and delved in.
The hot, delicious pancakes were perfect, and I made a sound of enjoyment to prove to Nathan that they were utterly incredible.
Neema and my father moved to the couch to let us eat in peace, and the boys all talked quietly about their plans for setting up today.