JennasConsent

by Jennifer Kacey

  “Okay, baby. It’s okay. Let me take you home and we’ll—”

  “No.” She shook her head and pushed between them. She grabbed her rope bag and purse, heaving the heavier one onto her shoulder.

  She caught sight of her mask with Ian’s collar on it on the floor. The clear imprint of a dusty foot print on the surface.

  Fitting, she thought to herself.

  She wiped her cheeks and faced them again.

  “I’m taking a few days off.”

  “What the hell? Jenna, talk to us. What’s going on?”

  “Us?” She barked out a pained laugh. “There is no us. We all work together. The two of you’ve done nothing but argue and I’m sick of it.” That was the truth but only a small portion of it. “I shouldn’t have gotten involved with a coworker. Knew it then and I certainly know it now. So I’m taking a few days to get my priorities straight again.”

  “Don’t leave like this, Jenna. You’re still coming down off your scene with the girls. You’re upset and you don’t need to drive like this.”

  “I’m a big girl and can take care of myself.” She moved past them again, heading toward the door. They both reached for her and she wanted to cave. She wanted to beg for them to love her back but she straightened her spine and didn’t give in.

  She was worth more than that.

  When she opened the door it seemed heavier than she remembered it being. The weight of the goodbye she was about to utter must have had something to do with it.

  “Yes. You can take care of yourself but you’re still my responsibility.”

  She glanced at the collar in Nick’s hand and he clutched it tighter in his fist.

  Then she looked at the mask she left lying on the ground, discarded. Meeting the eyes of the two men she loved was one of the hardest things she’d ever had to do.

  Nick hadn’t really done anything wrong. Not compared to what Ian had done. But he was guilty if nothing else but association.

  And for Jenna…that was enough. She couldn’t trust either of them with her safety and she knew it.

  Physical safety? Maybe.

  But my emotions? She shook her head.

  “No, Sir. I’m not either of your responsibilities. Not anymore.” As she walked out, she let the door slowly close behind her. Why? Probably had something to do with wanting them to fix it. How she didn’t know, but somehow. They were the dominant ones, they were supposed to have all the answers.

  “You never should have come here.”

  “Me? I had her first, and you can go fu—”

  The door closed, on everything.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  The next morning she felt hungover, even though she never had any alcohol.

  She’d called into Chris and Jared and begged off work for a few nights. They wanted an explanation and she had none to give.

  Loving two men who she could never have was a bit more than she really wanted to discuss with her bosses, no matter how close they were.

  Nick and Ian had both called but she failed to answer, doing nothing more than silencing the calls. She was going to have to erect some fairly thick walls around herself before she talked to either of them again.

  Cyn and Haleigh and Skye had all called.

  She’d put them off too until Wednesday night at CJ’s. Everything was too jumbled in her head to put into words, so she excused herself from the phone as quickly as she could. And then just shut it off.

  For the longest time she sat in front of her computer with a cup of tea. She scrolled through her Facebook and Twitter feeds but didn’t interact at all.

  She wondered if looking at other people going about their morning would help her find her footing but it did nothing but make her feel more isolated.

  After closing the tabs at the top of her internet browser, she stared at a blank line wondering where she needed to go to find her center again.

  She set her tea down and knew exactly where she wanted to start.

  Aftercare.

  Self-awareness kicked in and she realized she was dropping from several scenes, if she were being honest with herself.

  It didn’t take her but a couple minutes to log into the admin panel of the blog and bring up a blank post.

  The title showed up as “Lost and I Do Not Consent” and she didn’t remember filling it in.

  She closed her eyes and just typed.

  The story of how she felt tumbled out of her as if it had been bottled under pressure for years, ready to explode at any moment. Which was probably exactly right.

  She wrote a story as if it were someone else. That made it easier to be honest, making it not so personal.

  For several hours she wrote. Line after line, shaping the words into a type of confession she needed to share.

  When she was done she refilled her tea cup and reread it one more time. A few words needed changed and a few thoughts needed to be smoothed out, but for the most part she was very happy with what she’d written.

  She posted it—feeling exhausted again—and then walked away. It was something she knew she needed to share, especially knowing some of her close to a thousand followers might learn something from her heartache. What, she didn’t know, especially since ultimately she didn’t know what she was going to do.

  But she also didn’t want to see comments on it either. Not while she was so raw, feeling exposed and way too vulnerable for her personal preference.

  She turned all the lights off except for one small lamp on her nightstand. Facing away from the window she closed her eyes to pretend it was bedtime. Though it was hours from when she normally went to bed, even on her off nights, failed to make any difference to her tired brain.

  It didn’t take long for her to go to sleep.

  When she woke up Oscar was there. He’d crawled into bed with her and she clutched at him like the lifeline she knew he was.

  “Your shirt’s wet.” She brushed another tear from her eye, wondering how long she’d been crying on him.

  “They make dryers for that.” He never even opened his eyes, just pulled her close and hung on tight.

  She needed that.

  Him.

  A masculine presence who understood loving someone who wasn’t capable of giving her what she needed. He definitely understood that.

  “How do you do it?”

  He rubbed her arm. “Do what?”

  “Stand to be around him?” His breathing pattern hitched for a second and then continued, so she knew there was no question of who she spoke of. “How do you do it and serve him drinks and watch him play and not crawl out of your skin?”

  He thought for a second. “It’s different for me.”

  “How is it different? I love Ian and Nick but it’s not nearly enough. So if I stay, how am I supposed to deal with that? Helping set up rooms for their girls, watch them…” She shook her head, shaking the thought from it. “I need to know how you do it so maybe I’ll have a chance of staying at The Library. I love that place.”

  “I don’t love Ryder.”

  Jenna sat up and looked down at him like he’d just confessed to being Mr. Rogers. “You kiss your mama with that mouth of lies?”

  He grinned and yanked her back down beside him. “Shut it. Me and denial are making out right now so don’t ruin it for me.”

  Jenna snorted, hugging him close. She wasn’t going to crap on him for how he was dealing with it. Everyone deserved their own ways of coping. She just wondered how long before she cracked under the weight of the choices she had to make.

  “What about your month with Nick? Where does that stand?”

  “Null and void, in my opinion. I didn’t exactly red out but if it came down to it last night, I would have and not second-guessed it. They were so busy arguing over having me that no one was there when I fell.” She hugged Oscar close. “Well, neither of them were.”

  He squeezed her and ran his fingers in her hair. “I’m here for you, always. You know that. And the girls send their
love too.”

  “Aww. No girl on the planet has better friends. I’ll meet with the girls on Wednesday and fill them in. Don’t know what I’m going to do just yet but I’m also trying not to make any rash decisions while I’m trying to even my emotions back out.”

  “Speaking of emotions, I loved your blog post.”

  “You read it?” Joy and a little bit of worry crept in.

  “I read everything you post, Jenna. Just normally don’t comment back. What you write. It’s really good.”

  “Thanks.”

  “You had a very interesting post on there even before I read it.”

  She stilled, not having a clue what he was talking about.

  “Someone offered you a guest spot on a radio show.”

  “Huh? What radio show?” Jenna moved over to her desk chair and wiggled her mouse. The screen came back on and she refreshed the blog post. “I don’t know any radio show hosts.”

  “It seems someone knows of you, quite liked the guerrilla pics you posted in the square and really like your kinky messages. It could be awesome for you and for the new stores.”

  Jenna scanned through the messages, trying to find the one he spoke about. There were already more than sixty comments, ranging from smiley faces to paragraphs she was too overwhelmed to read. She finally found the one he spoke about from a woman named Samantha and she whispered it out loud to herself. “I’ve been following your blog for almost a year. It’s refreshing and insightful and this last post is epic. I think my listeners would love to be able to listen to you and ask some questions about your experiences in kink. My internet radio show, Samantha Speaks, is on from nine to midnight two nights a week and is carried by two satellite radio stations. I’ll contact you in the next few days to see if you’re interested. And the rumor mill around town says you’re going to be opening up some kink friendly shops. For once I hope the gossipmongers are right. PS—the pics in the square were AWESOME!”

  She sat there for a minute, trying to wrap her mind around the idea of someone interviewing her about the lifestyle. What an opportunity. “Haleigh was right.”

  “About what?”

  “That I should write with more emotion instead of just a how-to on something. Without her commenting on it when she was rope drunk last night I wouldn’t have written it the way I did.”

  “Good advice.” He put his hands behind his head and closed his eyes. “Emotion pulls people in to get them to listen to what you want to share. And you can use it to advertise the kinky establishments too. Great idea you had. The blog and the businesses.”

  His praise warmed her inside and she took the first deep breath she had in almost twenty-four hours.

  “We’re a go on the businesses and the lease. Did I tell you?” She glanced at him in time to see a smile brighten his face.

  “No fucking way. Haleigh got it all pushed through that quickly?”

  “That girl is a beast when she wants to be. And she’s so sweet and unassuming nobody sees it coming.” She grinned, unable to keep the info to herself. “You know our new landlord. You’ll never guess who it is.”

  “Chris and Jared?”

  “Nope. They don’t own real estate in Missouri yet. At least I don’t think they do. Guess again.”

  He wrinkled his nose, making the duck face since he knew it made her laugh. “No idea. Who?”

  “Damien.”

  His eyes grew wide and he sat up in bed to stare at her. “No shit?”

  She shook her head.

  “Fuck me.” He fell back on the bed with a whoosh and she climbed back on next to him.

  “Small world, huh?”

  “That’s putting it mildly.” He gathered her close and shut his eyes. “I’ve always been glad he doesn’t play with guys.”

  “Why?”

  “He’s too fucking hot for his own good. I like knowing I can watch but I never have to touch. He’s way too hardcore for my tastes.”

  “You and me both.”

  “So what are we going to do tonight?”

  “Don’t you have to work?”

  “Nope.”

  She propped herself up on an elbow so she could raise her eyebrow at him. “You don’t have to work at Inktastic or The Library? Seriously? How’d you swing that?”

  He shrugged. “I talked to Kyle and he took my hours at the shop. Spoke to Chris and Jared and they said they wouldn’t mind giving Patrick a few hours behind the bar at The Library.”

  “He one of the guys who bought CJ’s? I’ve met Douglas already.”

  “Yup. The tall one.” He bounced his eyebrows up and down.

  “And you did all this just so you could spend tonight with me?”

  “You needed someone here. I don’t know everything that’s going on but I know enough that I didn’t think you needed to be alone. So I’m here to talk or we can tie or make rope. Whatever you need. I’m here.”

  “I love you, you know that?”

  He smiled again, winking at her. “Yup.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  A few days later she showed up at CJ’s a couple minutes earlier than the girls were supposed to arrive. The girls had all gotten together earlier that day and signed the new lease.

  All of the business paperwork was being taken care of and they would officially be business owners in less than a week.

  She was overwhelmed in the best of ways and couldn’t wait to get started. They wouldn’t be open for a couple months while they hammered out all the details but she already had a head start on some of her clothing items since some of them were special order and took longer to make.

  Her stock levels weren’t going to be huge to begin with but she’d grown them steadily until she was where she wanted to be.

  It had given her the best distraction when she’d needed it most.

  She’d felt so raw after the confrontation in her room at The Library that she needed a break to get her emotions under control. She’d leveled out a couple days prior, making her want to race back to work and all her friends and coworkers. If she were being honest, to Nick and Ian. But that dynamic wasn’t healthy. Not for any of them.

  Dutifully ignoring both of their phone calls and texts was beginning to be a full-time job. She hadn’t been back to The Library since and they both told her in separate voicemails her time of hiding was quickly coming to an end.

  She glanced around the dark bar, making sure none of the other girls was there. She’d come comfy in flip-flops, yoga pants, and a stretchy corset she was trying out to offer at Nice and Knotty.

  “You must be Jenna?”

  A tall man of Latin descent slid a cell phone in his pocket and walked out from behind the bar, extending his hand to her. His soft smile and warm brown eyes were ridiculously charming and she found herself reaching for his hand even though she didn’t know who he was. “And you are?”

  “Hector. I believe you’ve already met Douglas. I’m one of the other business partners.”

  “Oh, yes. Hi. Very night to meet you.”

  He surprised her by lifting her hand to his lips to place a kiss across her knuckles. “You are just as beautiful as Douglas described you.”

  “And you’re just as charming.”

  He smiled again and finally released her hand after another slight squeeze.

  “The other ladies that you normally meet aren’t here yet but your booth is empty. Would you care for a drink while you wait?”

  “Maybe even a bit more charming than Douglas.”

  “I heard that, youngin.” Douglas stood behind the bar and winked at her.

  “Youngin? Do people even say that anymore?” She laughed and stuck her tongue out at him. Proving his point, of course, but she couldn’t help herself. “Thank you for the offer, Hector. I’ll have a frozen strawberry margarita with sugar on the rim instead of salt, please. If you have it.”

  “I’ll be over in just a minute.” He motioned her forward and turned back toward the bar.

  She was
in the booth no more than a couple minutes when a lovely red beverage was placed in front of her in a frosty glass. “Thanks, Hecto…” It died on her lips when she looked up and Nick was the one who set it in front of her. Ian was by his side.

  Nick moved in next to her when she made a move to make a break for it.

  Ian slid into the booth across from them. “You’ve been avoiding us.”

  “Duh.” Not the most eloquent way to respond but her shields were fully back up.

  “I—” Nick started, then shook his head. “We wanted a chance to talk to you, in public—so you’d feel comfortable—so the girls won’t be here for an hour or so.”

  “You got the girls to agree to this? Really?”

  “We’re not here to bullshit you, Jenna.” Ian snagged her gaze as soon as she looked his way. “We wanted to apologize for the gym incident.”

  “’Incident’, is that what you call it when grown men have temper tantrums?” She picked up her drink and sucked down a healthy swallow. Damn it tasted good so she took another drink before setting it back down. “And what about the incident in the prep room?”

  “We’re sorry for all of it.” She looked over at Nick again, watching him, staring at him.

  “Okay, you’re sorry, now what? I appreciate you guys doing that. Especially doing it together. I’m shocked you haven’t started breaking glasses over each other’s heads. Now what do you expect me to do with it? This isn’t going to make anything better. You both realize that, I hope.” She took another drink, thinking a little liquid courage wasn’t a bad idea at all, especially since all she wanted to do was beg for her collars back and lick each of the men before her.

  “We think it can. And we’d like the chance to prove it.”

  She didn’t believe it, especially not with Ian grinding his teeth or with Nick’s hands clenched into tight fists.

  But hope slipped through when she wasn’t guarding her heart and filled it near to bursting. It was that simple and that quick for her to fall off the wagon again. These two men were the men she’d always wanted. They were offering themselves to her in some kind of way she didn’t fully understand but she couldn’t say no. She couldn’t do it. The word literally would not form from her tongue and jaw.