They're So Vein (The Grateful Undead series)

by Susan Stec

  My sister turned to grab the white remote from the top of the television. She now had two remotes, one in each hand, and it looked like she was pushing buttons on both of them.

  "I find it hard to believe you are…" Marcus' voice droned on at a pitch that had me placing my hands over my ears.

  "Nanna, honey," Jeni yelled. "I think-" she stopped abruptly as the volume became manageable.

  "Aunt JoAnn, pause the DVD," Jeni requested softly, giving her something else to find on the two remotes.

  The voice of the handsome man on the television screen stopped in mid-sentence, his mouth in a laughable pre-statement gesture.

  JoAnn hissed at the girls on the sofa.

  I heard the sound of wings batting against the kitchen window, followed by cussing. I frowned looking over my shoulder. "Did anyone hear that?"

  "Alright Mom, enough games." Jeni looked at each one of us with one of her no nonsense frowns. "I would really like to watch this DVD. Can you start it from the beginning, Aunt JoAnn?"

  JoAnn threw herself dramatically down on the sofa next to Resi with both remotes in her hands. Resi tried to help - JoAnn pulled the remote away, pressed the button Resi was reaching for, and the DVD started over.

  The screen went from a logo of a black bat, the gold letters BAMVC printed across its chest, to the sexy man named Marcus. He was sitting at a large walnut table flanked by eleven other men and women. All dressed in black.

  "Hello Ladies, I'm Marcus, the head of BAMVC Corporation and the oldest member of the Morizzio family. I'm speaking from our location in Italy." He turned to his left and nodded at a man who resembled him, only his features were harsh and strong. "This is my brother, Dorius, and we've both been responsible for leading the council of members you see before you for over fifteen hundred years." He paused, looking down the table.

  "Holy shit," Resi said, turning to my mother. "And you thought you were older than dirt, Nanna."

  "I'll be damned. There is a vampire named Dorius," JoAnn said.

  "I told you!" I gave her a nasty smile.

  "Oh, hell no!" Zaire pointed at the television. "Look at them! Not a smile on their friggin' faces and only one woman in the bunch!"

  Resi snuggled into her shoulder, kissing her on the neck.

  "And you, young ladies, have gotten our attention," Marcus said, with a stomach warming cocky little grin that sent goose bumps up my arms. "Dorius has the responsibility of investigating rogues, and putting an end to the behavior you have shown us in the weeks past." His blue eyes sparkled.

  "We have offices all over the world," he continued. "Our company is made up of over two thousand registered vampires and other species, all distributed throughout the world. We have over one thousand BAMVC members in the United States alone. Yours is a country hard to manage." Marcus seemed to be staring directly at me.

  "You guys are in deep shit," Jeni admonished as she leafed through the rule book in her lap. "Let's let him finish what he has to say. I'm sure he's not going to do anything rash like chop your heads off or set you on fire, like it says in this book."

  "Chop off our heads!" My mother screamed, grabbing for the book. "What the hell are you talking about, Jeni?"

  "Do they look amused?" Jeni asked, pointing to the TV screen.

  All twelve men and women were looking directly at us, as if they were listening to our conversation. A shiver ran up my spine. They were absolutely, positively, un-amused. Crap.

  "This is friggin' bull-shit!" Zaire wore her 'bring 'em on' scowl, eyes flickering like light bouncing off metal in the sun.

  Resi grabbed her throat and yelped, "Ouch, shit, something bit me!"

  JoAnn paused the set and shoved her face in Resi's neck.

  Curse words came from somewhere behind me. I turned in the direction of the sliding glass doors.

  "It's not funny, Susan. She has a big lump on her neck." JoAnn had Resi's hair pulled back, her eyes two inches from a small bump, definitely not a big lump.

  "I am not laughing," I turned to Mom, sitting at the dining room table.

  "What?" Mom looked innocently at me.

  "Owww!" JoAnn jumped from the couch, throwing the two remotes behind her.

  "Now what?" I asked looking at my drama queen sister.

  "I got bit too. Look at this. It looks like a little arrow." JoAnn walked over to me with a very small, sharp needle that looked like a stinger with a bur on the end.

  Giggles wafted in from the porch. "Did anyone hear that?"

  "This is not funny!" JoAnn yelled, shoving the little sharp object at my face as she glared at Mom.

  "Don't look at me," Mom said.

  I plucked it from her fingers and tossed it on the floor. "It's just a stinger JoAnn."

  JoAnn sat back on the couch, her eyes making jerky movements around the room.

  Jeni looked amused. "Can all of you powerful immortals forget about the little insect so we can finish watching the DVD?"

  JoAnn dramatically plucked the remote off the couch and clicked the television back to life.

  Dorius started to speak in a strong, intimidating voice. "I had our Miami office send you a welcome packet the minute we were aware of your clan, offering you blood, training and counseling. When you did not respond, I ordered one of my men to issue a warning letter and make telephone calls to your home. With no response or changes in your behavior, we are through being cordial. Read the book and order blood. A business card has been added to your packet. If you do not respond immediately, we will be forced to handle this matter personally. By the time you receive this, we will be stationed in our Miami branch. Just a two hour drive as the bat flies." He grinned, but his grin looked as deadly as Zaire's eyes.

  The set faded to the bat logo.

  "JoAnn?" I asked. She turned to me, eyes wide with fear, scratching a nice sized lump on her face.

  "Did you get anything from BAMVC, Aunt JoAnn?" Jeni interrupted, calmly.

  She usually handled the mail. If we did get anything, she probably would have been the one to toss it.

  "I don't know," JoAnn said. "I don't remember anything coming in the mail, but I throw out all the advertisements. You know, credit cards, time share invitations, magazines, sales catalogs." She turned to the television. "Oh shit, I've seen that logo…" JoAnn reached out at the television with the remote and shut off the set.

  "I don't like the sound of that," Mom said.

  "I might have thrown it away," JoAnn whined.

  Mom shook her head. "You're a pain in my-"

  "I'm sorry, and I think we should take this serious, Susan," JoAnn said, looking guilty as hell.

  "We're going to read that book," I said, glaring at her. "Then I'll call the Miami office and explain the whole thing. And we'll order the damn blood. At least we won't have to go out at night sucking on deer." I was not getting on a plane with my mother. I could just see her with a whole plane full of mortals. It'd be like a frigging buffet at the Golden Coral.

  JoAnn's eyes bugged out. "I think we should consider going to Miami. That's all I'm saying."

  "I am not getting on a plane," Mom countered, making me smile. "In case you idiots haven't watched the news, there are terrorists out there. We're talkin' Miami here. I'll just stay right in this house and wait for you to get back."

  Jeni smiled at Mom. "If we have to go to Miami, you'll be sitting in a seat between me and the window, Nan."

  "Look, you little shit. You drag me on a plane and anyone looking even remotely Al Quida-ish is fair game. Consider yourself warned." Mom stuck her finger in her ear, giving her hand a shake.

  "Let's just find out what is expected of us, alright?" Jeni walked into the dining room, sat at the table and opened the book. "The rules are very simple. I'm guessing they were written a long time ago without much updating."

  We took seats at the picnic table in the dining room and settled in.

  Jeni began to read. "Rule number one: No biting of humans for sustenance, unless it is sanctioned by the
council as in the case of a Seraph, or falls under the category of rule number two."

  "Shit," Resi said. "In the fantasy books, a Seraph is an immortal that can't drink processed blood. I don't think any of us are Seraph's."

  "I might be," Mom announced. "I get sick if I don't suck on a human and I didn't mean to kill that first one, either. But Susan killed-"

  "I did not! The gator did!"

  "Wait, let's see what rule number two is," JoAnn ordered.

  "Don't matter. We fucked that one up," Zaire said.

  Jeni looked at us. "Are all of you finished?" No one answered. "Number two: No immortal is allowed to turn a human, unless they are a willing Blood-Mate, and the union is established and sanctioned by the council."

  "I'm good!" Resi said with a big smile. "Zaire IS my mate." Resi patted Zaire's leg.

  "See, we can erase one off the list." JoAnn smiled at all of us as if this were going well so far.

  Jeni burst Resi's bubble. "First of all, you're not sanctioned by the council, and I believe by 'Blood-Mate', they mean a married couple that can procreate. Let me finish."

  "Oh hell no. Tell me they aren't a bunch of homophobic assholes like the rest of the friggin' world," Zaire yelled.

  Jeni raised an eyebrow and continued. "Number three: You may bear only one child with a Blood-Mate, every five-hundred years."

  "I hope they have immortal rubbers, because I'm not having no more kids," Mom announced. "Damn, just when I thought my womb was shriveled up and dead, you throw this shit at me. You two are enough of a pain in my ass. I just want sex. I ain't havin' no little bloodsucking swaddler fangin' up to my new tits!"

  "Nanna, sweetie, I'd bet my eye teeth your uterus is still dried up." Resi laughed.

  "What'd'ya talkin' about, Resi?" Mom spat.

  "Whether her baby-making days are over or not it, won't make a shit of difference if they kill all of you, now will it? May I continue?" Jeni really looked pissed.

  "Son-of-a-bitch, all this sanctioned shit sounds like control issues to me," I yelled.

  "Mother, you are what you are," Jeni sighed. "I'm sure there are good reasons for all of these rules. And let us not forget that they've been enforced for over a thousand years. So for once in your undead life, just shut the hell up and listen."

  "I just don't like it." Control was one of my hot buttons and the reason my three marriages didn't work.

  "Rule number four: Disclosing the origin or the immortal nature of our being is punishable by death. Number five: An immortal is forbidden from stealing, borrowing, or buying blood from a human establishment."

  "Oh shit, that gets me another one. I did it, I fuckin burn in hell," Zaire pounded her fist on the table in front of her.

  "Yes, weee…stole blood," JoAnn said. "But the hospital was just going to throw it away." Once again, my sister was in her own little world.

  "But I bet the bastards chalk that one up as two, because I could've got caught," Zaire said.

  "Number six:" Jeni ignored us. "No immortal shall ever kill or be involved in the death of another species, unless approved by the council, sanctioned by council and assisted by the council members.

  "Well no surprises there," I said.

  Jeni was on a roll. "Number seven: An immortal cannot expose another species, and in parenthesis, shape-shifter, witch, fairy, elf, troll, demon, etcetera."

  "I guess screwing with Alpo Boy is out of the question," Zaire said.

  We all made sounds of amusement. Even Jeni laughed.

  Giggles echoed off the kitchen wall and blended with ours. I scrunched up my face and began to think I was hearing Mom's voices in my head.

  "Let's finish this so you can get your shit together." Jeni looked at Nanna. "And I really think you guys should give a trip to Miami some more thought."

  "I am not getting on a plane." Mom shook her finger at Jeni.

  Jeni let out a long slow breath. "I don't know why I even bother, sometimes. Shut the hell up and listen! Rule number eight: Never betray the family or its council."

  "Right! They shout and we jump. Screw that!" Zaire was not happy.

  Jeni ignored her. "All rules are grounds for serious judgment and penalized by internment, death by fire, or beheading. The penalty is determined by the number of rules broken and the circumstances surrounding them. Two or more justify full punishment. The rules established and sanctioned in the year sixteen-hundred-and-ten, will be in complete accordance with the decisions of the Council. Forever walk in their shadow."

  "Forever walk in their shadow?" Nanna guffawed. "What kind of Count Dracula bullshit is that?"

  ~~~~

  Chapter Eighteen

  ~~~~

  The next day we called the number on the card. Two rings and a soft, feminine voice came out of the phone.

  "You have reached the offices of BAMVC in Miami. If you know your party's extension, please proceed by entering the four-digit number now. If you want to place an order, please press one. If you wish to report an infraction, please press two. If you want to leave a recorded message for one of our Miami representatives please press three. All other inquiries please press zero. Thank you and forever walk in their shadow."

  I pressed zero. The rest of the girls were smiling at me, except JoAnn. She had her eyebrows plastered together.

  "Thank you for calling BAMVC. All of our representatives are busy with other calls at the moment. Stay on the line and someone will be with you in approximately five minutes."

  We sat listening to 'I Put a Spell on You' emanating from the speaker.

  "Great. Five minutes of vampire muzac," I said.

  "Well, at least it isn't at a deafening volume," JoAnn glared at Zaire and Resi.

  Jeni hummed as we waited. My mother held the Book of Rules in her hands 'just in case', she informed all of us.

  "Hello, you have reached the customer service center. If you want to place an order, please press or say one."

  "I don't want to order… yet, I want a warm body to talk too, please," I enunciated, getting my face closer to the speaker on the phone.

  "Good luck with that," Zaire mumbled.

  I frowned at her.

  "I'm sorry; I did not understand your request. If you want to place an order, please press or say one. If you want to report an infraction, please press or say two-"

  "I want to talk to a real PERSON," I yelled.

  "I'm sorry I did not understand your request. If you want to place an order, please press or say one. If you want to report an infraction, please press or say two. If you want to-"

  "Mom, there are probably no warm bodies, or real persons. Try the expression, Representatives. That's R E P R E S-" Jeni spelled.

  "Shut the hell up, Jeni," I ordered.

  "I'm sorry, I did not under-"

  "Is there someone alive I can talk to, DAMN IT?" I spat out.

  "I'm sorry-"

  "You sure as hell are. Get me SOMEONE to talk to, damn it!" I shouted at the phone, slamming my hand on the coffee table.

  "One moment please, while I connect you to one of our representatives."

  Jeni smiled at me. I growled back.

  "Werewolf in London, ah oooh," the next song began, goading me further.

  "Shit."

  "Susan, if you're too upset to handle the damn call, give the phone to Jen," Mom suggested as the song continued and Jeni hummed along with a smile.

  "I'm waiting for a representative, MOTHER, to a background of Werewolf in London, for Christ sake, but I can't enjoy the music if you prattle on!"

  Mom let out a long, aggravated sigh as I continued to wait, tapping my foot to the music.

  After listening to, 'Christ, You Know it Ain't Easy', the theme song to 'Blade', and some frigging song about a devastated necrophiliac in Bolivia losing the love of his life to some bonfire in a local field on the other side of town while he sat helpless in a locked tomb, someone answered.

  "Hello, thank you for calling BAMVC. My name is Buffy. How can I help you
today?"

  "Oh hell no," Zaire bellowed.

  "You've got to be kidding me." I said to the phone on the coffee table.

  "Oh, this is good," Jeni giggled.

  "I'm sorry; do you have the wrong number? This is BAMVC in Miami. Can I help you with something?"

  "Hello Buffy, dear…" I started, glaring into JoAnn's frowning face.

  "You're fucking with us, right?" Resi shoved her face into the phone, stifling a laugh.

  Buffy ignored her so I pressed on. "I'm Susan Stech. I received the package that the Morizzio family sent us and I need to talk to one of them please."

  There was a shuffling of pages.

  "Yes, I have you on my list. But I'm sorry, the council doesn't speak to anyone on this phone."

  "Well, can you give me a number to reach one of them, please?" I asked as nicely as I could muster while the rest of the girls looked at the phone with amusement.

  "No, I'm sorry., Unless one of them gives you a number, you cannot reach them by telephone. I can set up a meeting though, if you like."

  That rankled. I was about to rip the little bitch a new one when she went on. "Let me see," she said, flipping through pages. "Would Wednesday at two AM be good for you?"

  "I am not getting on a frigging plane," Mom yelled into the speaker. I grabbed her by her tube top and yanked her back from it.

  "Nanna, it's friggin', not frigging," Zaire said.

  "I'll talk like I want to talk," Mom spat. "It's always been frigging. You kid's changed it."

  "Have you looked into a mirror lately?" Resi asked.

  Mom shook her head. "Yeah, and I look hotter than you!"

  I smiled at Mom.

  Oh, well then, how about… The sound of pages fluttering wafted from the phone.

  "No, Wednesday at two AM will not be good for us, neither would any other day, Buffy," I said, getting back on point. "I just want to talk to one of them, please." I hissed, my teeth grinding.

  "I can't let you talk to anyone on the council over the telephone," she said again, a little irritation in her voice.

  "Sorry if I am upsetting you, BUFFY, but I need to get a message to them, please. And I also need to order blood."

  "Well, I can help you with that." She used her cheerful voice. "How many bags do you need?"