They're So Vein (The Grateful Undead series)

by Susan Stec

  "Shut the hell up, both of you, and get out of my face before I kill you a second time, Resi." Her song cut to a squeal, getting copious amounts of laughter from both Dennis and Marcus.

  "Oh, my, my, Fang-Boy, you really did find a treat, now didn't you? Are the rest of the family members like these two, and do they have any brothers?" Dennis asked, with flurry of hand movements.

  The fact that he used my pet name to address Marcus did not go unnoticed. I slammed my eyebrows together, frowning at Dennis.

  "A proverbial jackpot, Dennis, my boy, a proverbial jackpot." Marcus beamed at me, getting another round of laughter from the flamboyant young man.

  "Give me all the details Mom. Last I saw you were…" Resi's hands flew to her ample bosom. "Ohmygod, you didn't bite his…"

  "Well, your mother decided to-"

  "Oooh, no you don't, Blood-for-Brains," I nipped him short with a smirk in Dennis's direction. I'd show him. I had a virtual cornucopia of pet names.

  "Holy shit. You did! Didn't you?" Resi's eyeballs tried to pop out of their sockets.

  "Oh honey, that one's going to be all over the party lines tonight," Dennis said with a snap of his fingers and a big grin.

  Zaire appeared looking like a Nubian Lara Croft, Tomb Raider, dressed from head to toe in leather. "They want all of us upstairs in the conference room. The 'Night of the Living Dead' team is awaiting our arrival."

  ~~~~

  Chapter Thirty-two

  ~~~~

  We filed into the long conference room. Ten immortal men and women sat in silence at a long cherry-wood table, all of them as white and hard looking as alabaster in contrast to the black clothing they wore.

  Dorius sat at one end of the table wearing a self-satisfied expression. Paul, with Gibbie on his shoulder, sat at the other end with a copy of Jeni's email to Dorius on the table in front of him.

  The little shit who bit me was sitting against the far wall in a chair way too big for him. He was wearing a shoulder holster with a .45 caliber Smith & Wesson tucked safely inside its glove, and a German shepherd at his feet. His black suit looked like he'd bought it in the children's section of some vintage Halloween shop. He had on yellow rubber gardening boots with a cartoon picture of Spiderman on the toes. His feet hung in the air in front of the chair, his knees supporting an ashtray as big as his face.

  Christopher tapped a smelly cigar on the ashtray, a grin plastered across his face. His hair shined, slicked back with gobs of some greasy substance, and his cheeks puffed as if he had something stuffed inside his jaws.

  Dorius cleared his throat. "The council will discuss the impact of the email and your infractions. Then they will vote and give me their decision. I administer the punishment based on the Book of Rules. And there will be punishments."

  Marcus frowned, a burble of anger rumbling in his chest.

  "Talk to the kid," Zaire said with eyes shooting daggers. Resi wiggled closer, putting her arm around Zaire's waist.

  None of the council members showed any signs of emotion.

  My mother stared at Christopher under hooded eyes.

  "Go ahead, ask him what happened," I snapped, shooting Christopher a scowl. "Because until you do, we're not sitting back with our mouths shut like little children, got it?"

  JoAnn pinched my arm, getting a swat.

  "Damn right," Zaire, blurted out, "I'm not sitting here while you dead-heads let him get away with murder."

  I glanced at the council. Their faces looked like blank sheets of paper.

  Christopher grinned, his jaw buckling over whatever the hell he had stuffed in his cheeks. He gestured to Paul to give Zaire a drink, then studied me.

  In a forced voice, Christopher patiently wheezed, "In Sicily, women are more dangerous than shotguns. You found paradise in the immortal world - had a good time - made a good living. I understand, um, it's all about family. Nothin' personal, right? So, go ahead, um, make him an offer he can't refuse."

  "Can I slap him? I really want to slap him," I snapped.

  One of Marcus' eyebrows reached for his hairline.

  "That boy has shit in his mouth," Mom said.

  "Is he mentally retarded or something?" Resi asked.

  Jeni smiled at Christopher, her eyes in deep concentration. "The Godfather, right?"

  "He sure didn't sound like that in the restroom, I tell you." JoAnn said, frowning at him.

  "Christopher," Dorius warned. "I don't know what the hell you're trying to prove with this new Mafioso persona, but I suggest you sit there and keep your mouth shut until it's your turn to answer questions. And put out that damn cigar!"

  Buster growled, getting to his feet.

  "Buster down!" Christopher hissed.

  Buster laid down.

  Jeni giggled.

  None of the ten immortals sitting at the long table even blinked. I wondered if they were really alive. I pulled my gaze from them to the boy. "You bit me you little shit. My family's not gonna take the fall for you! And you killed that woman! Not me!"

  Dorius growled.

  Marcus shot me a strained smile. "Let's all calm down before this gets out of hand."

  I was trying to come up with a rebuttal when Marcus favored me with a gentle push, Susan, my love, take the women out of the room. Clearly, none of you can sit without words of anger spewing from your mouths.

  Boy did that tickle me in all the wrong places.

  Resi took up the slack. "We don't have discussions without everyone concerned in the same room. That's the way we operate." She grabbed the email from Paul and slid it in front of the alabaster brigade. "Here, read this, and you'll clearly see we didn't even know all of you existed until the wolf came to our door!"

  Zaire's fangs slipped out and she stood up in front of Christopher. He didn't even bat an eye.

  Gibbie flew off Paul's shoulder, hovering between Zaire and Christopher, silver sparkles flying everywhere. "Sit back down and pull your thong out of your ass. I'm sure they intend to talk to the kid, and you aren't helping."

  Zaire shot Gibbie a 'shut the fuck up' look, and turned to me. "Mom, I'm gonna bite something real soon if this little shit doesn't do some explaining, fast." Her eyes had those little gray sparks crackling around her irises and she was definitely ready to duke it out with Christopher.

  Pheromones were flying all over the place, my nostrils flared with the heavy scent. My first thought, and it was a purely selfish one, was that maybe with all those pheromones flying around the room, the alabaster brood couldn't smell Marcus all over me.

  JoAnn shook her head, still staring at Christopher. "You look so cute and innocent, and so very inappropriately dressed." I had no idea what that had to do with anything, but then JoAnn was always on a different page than the rest of us.

  Christopher did not favor JoAnn with a glance. His eyes were locked on me. He rubbed his chin, took another puff off his cigar, plucked a crystal glass off a small table next to his chair, and sipped as everyone stared. I waited as he ran his hand over his jaws, sucking on whatever he had stuffed in his cheeks.

  Finally he spoke. "I understand. The wolf protected you, and you didn't need a friend of me. But, uh, now you come to me and you say - 'Christopher give me justice' - but you don't ask with respect. You don't even think to call me Godfather."

  "What the fuck?" Zaire waved Gibbie aside. Resi grabbed her, getting a look that could wilt flowers.

  "Does anyone else want to slap that little shit?" Mom asked.

  "Does anyone else see how old he really is?" Jeni asked.

  I wondered what the hell Jeni was up to.

  "Christopher, I warn you," Dorius grumbled.

  Marcus was back in my head. He was smoldering. I suggest before you speak, Susan, you understand that what you say you will seal your fate. I will fight for you until my death, no matter what your decision, but I can assure you, it will not be necessary if you get control of your clan.

  Mom shook her head. "Kid, you're essere un po' di fuori!"
<
br />   "Ohhh, I don't think he's out of his mind," I told Mom, glaring at Christopher.

  Marcus, still strutting around in my mind, was growling so loud I wanted to cover my ears. Susan, it would behoove you to make your stand in a diplomatic manner. I've waited too long for you, and don't intend to lose you. Say something! And make it good.

  I sucked in a deep breath and winged it. "All right, damn it, listen up. Sure we fucked up. We didn't know what we were doing was wrong." I pointed at Christopher, "And he didn't tell us shit. He just disappeared after he killed the woman and made me."

  I eyed each alabaster knick-knack. "He bit me and left me for dead. We dealt with it ourselves when I grew fangs." I glared at Dorius. "And then a damn werewolf showed up at our door, yapping about some package you sent. JoAnn thought it was a timeshare advertisement and tossed it. But we immediately stopped when we understood what you expected of us. We're not rogues."

  My eyes passed over my family. "I believe these men and women have a decision to make and we're not going to change that with a cocky attitude or a fight. It will only make them believe we had it coming to us when we die in a battle we can't win. They out-number us, and out-power us." I looked right into Zaire's angry steel gray eyes. "Our fate is in their hands, so suck it up and let's all behave while they read the email."

  Very well said, Susabella. Now speak only when you are spoken to. The council has presided over issues like yours for hundreds of years. They will make the right decision.

  Before I could bitch-slap Marcus, JoAnn piped up, "Oh, for heaven's sake - do I have to do everything?" She got up and walked over to the assortment of suitcases and duffle bags that were in a pyramid in the corner of the room. Everyone watched as she reached into one of the bags and pulled out a cell phone.

  Holy shit, that's my phone! She found it!

  Marcus looked at me with question marks for eyes. I smiled wickedly.

  JoAnn leaned in front of Dorius, placed the cell phone on the table and started giving directions. "Here, you see this little black button? You just push it right there, and-" She slapped his hand away as he reached for it. The phone spun in a circle. "Wait, I'm still-"

  Dorius curled his lips back and jerked the phone off the table.

  "I was just trying to turn it around so you can see the screen better. You don't have to be-"

  Dorius narrowed his eyes and showed an awful lot of teeth.

  "Well, just push the black button then," JoAnn said all huffy-like, pointing at the phone.

  Marcus tilted his head in curiosity.

  I smiled at Christopher.

  Christopher took a long drag off the cigar, sat back and grinned, cool as a cucumber.

  Dorius looked down at the phone in his hands and pushed the black button. Everyone in the room turned to look at Christopher as his voice wafted from the cell, mingling with mine, JoAnn's, and Angelina's.

  Christopher blew smoke rings into the air, tapping the ash off the cigar.

  Dorius sucked in a sharp breath, his eyes glued to the cell sitting on the table. The buildup of rage on his face told us he had a clear picture of exactly what happened in the restroom. Dorius threw back his head, his fangs fell from his mouth and he literally flew across the room.

  Marcus leapt, catching him around the waist, and both of them crashed into a wall, and landing on the floor beside the old immortal trapped in the child's body. Every single council member flew over the table, pulling them apart before any of us could blink, proving they were not just alabaster adornments. The brothers, each held back by four immortals, glared at each other.

  Christopher took a sip from the crystal glass, put it down, got up from his chair and strutted up to me. He grabbed my head, kissed both of my cheeks, and before I could slap him, he was back in his chair smiling at me. "Someday, and that day will come, I'll call upon you to do a service for me. But, uh, until that day, accept this justice as a gift on… your day of, uh, judgment."

  "Jesus, that kid's crazier than hell," Mom said.

  "He's not a kid, Nan," Jeni said, smiling at Christopher.

  ~~~~

  Chapter Thirty-three

  ~~~~

  Marcus leaned over the table in a heated conversation with Dorius. The alabaster forum listened with animated interest, shooting us an occasional questioning glance.

  I heard bits and pieces of the conversation. The word demon, closely followed by witch, came up several times, also something about testing our skills. I was going to have a serious talk with Marcus later about his choices of descriptive adjectives.

  Marcus turned to us, his hands still firmly planted on the table in front of Dorius. "Ladies, we have a couple of questions about-"

  "What about him?" Resi growled, pointing at Christopher.

  Christopher snickered, patted Buster's head and sipped his drink, ice clinking in the silence.

  Dorius glared at him and then addressed us. "I assure you, he will be dealt with, but first-"

  "Just so you know," Zaire snapped, her eyes flickering with gray sparkles, "I'm not leavin' this frickin room until I hear what he gets."

  "And it better not be less than what we get," Resi added.

  "Yeah, the little shit's the reason we got fangs," Mom sported off one of her shrewd Italian scowls.

  I was thinking none of them mentioned the fact that the true culprit was vanity.

  Marcus gave me a heart stopping grin. I kept forgetting he could read my thoughts. Damn, that sucked.

  Jeni just had to lay it out there. "And I'm sure none of this had to do with younger, firmer bodies, did it ladies?"

  Dorius opened his mouth before I could. "Ladies, we're dropping all charges… for any idiotic behavior you've all deemed suitable out of your dime-store literature. However, there will be consequences regarding the immortal wildlife on your property."

  JoAnn wiggled in her chair.

  "That wasn't me!" Mom blurted. "I killed every frigging deer I sucked."

  "And the mortals you killed, Concetta?" Dorius asked.

  Mom waved her arms around like an idiot. "Avere un chiodo fisso in testa! I was fixated, I tell you. The bags of blood didn't help, the animals didn't help. I got heart palpitations, shortness of breath, and I heard singing in my head unless I drank human blood, and the only way to stop from killing them was to hump like a frigging rabbit while I drank."

  Everyone at the table acted like Mom's outburst was a confirmation of whatever the hell they were discussing. I couldn't believe it.

  "The council has been researching your family tree, Concetta," Marcus told her. "It seems Paul was right. They've found some extraordinary facts about your heritage that should explain all of those symptoms. There's demon blood in your family. There's also a long line of female witches. If one of you has indeed turned an animal into an immortal, all of you may be Seraphs."

  "We'll need to do blood testing to be sure," Dorius said with a spiteful grin. "And I want to put all of you through some physical tests as well."

  I didn't like the sound of that. I wasn't going to be stuck here with a needle up my arm, while running on a treadmill.

  "Wow! That's kind of neat." JoAnn perked up with a big grin.

  I wanted to slap her.

  All of a sudden my mother was Miss-Immortal-Sunshine. "The demon would be my father and everyone says I take after him."

  I wanted to slap her, too.

  Gibbie started giggling.

  "Actually, Concetta," Marcus said, "it's your father and your husband's father who are half demon. Your mother carried the witch gene as did your husband's mother."

  "Are you telling me my grandfathers could still be alive?" Jeni asked, concern written across her face. "Do half-demons die? Because everything I read on the Internet said demons don't die."

  Didn't any of them get it? I pictured small cages, us locked inside.

  Mom acted like she was sitting around a table with a bunch of her Italian relatives shooting anisette. "My husband was probably part dem
on too. He was a real asshole!"

  "What part about us being lab rats did you not understand, Mom!" I yelled, and immediately smelled pheromones flying all over the place.

  "That's not happening," Zaire growled, eyes shooting daggers at the immortals around the table. "I'm hittin' the road, and my mate's coming with me." She wrapped her arm protectively around Resi.

  Resi spat, "We're not sitting around with needles in our arms, waiting for you to figure out what we are capable of!"

  Dorius paced back and forth with a forced smile on his face. "We don't intend to turn you into lab rats. We only need a few vials of blood from each of you, and we will also do a few practice demonstrations in our gym… to bring out... Never mind, that's not the issue."

  He paused and I wondered what he had up his sleeve. He looked smug.

  Dorius put his hands in the pockets of his jeans and rocked back on his heels. "However, a bunch of immortal animals wandering around multiplying is the issue. They can destroy our anonymity, never mind the fact that they may be able to turn mortals and we need mortal balance to exist. Surely you can see the dilemma we find ourselves in. One of these animals will need to be captured alive for testing, the rest will need to be destroyed…" Dorius smiled at Christopher. "…and Christopher... you will also be held accountable for every one of them. That is, unless you prefer death. Those are your only two options."

  Christopher sipped his drink quietly.

  "What a frickin' nightmare!" Zaire just couldn't let it alone. "I'm not working with that little shit!"

  "I wasn't made for killing anything!" JoAnn screamed, skipping along the yellow brick road of delusion. "The raccoon attacked me and I just defended myself. It's not my fault!"

  Dorius' head jerked in JoAnn's direction "You? You're the one that did this?"

  "Well, you don't have to look at me like that. None of the books said anything about animal vampires. How was I supposed to know?" JoAnn stammered, evidently tripping around the poppy fields at the moment.