“It’s just different. You’re not sick,” he said.
“But I am. I’m terminal.”
“No. You’re not. You have no idea when—”
“But I do!” I exploded. “I do know, Caspian. I know I’m going to die soon, and there’s nothing that I can do to stop that. So why can’t you just support me on this?”
“I can’t,” he said quietly. “I just can’t.” He let out a shaky breath. “If the situation were reversed, you’d feel the same way.”
“I would support you in anything you wanted to do. I’d help you do it.”
“Why?” he asked suddenly.
His question threw me off guard. “Because I love you. Because I want you to be happy. Because I want us to be together.”
“You don’t know what it’s like to have the one person who makes everything around you come to life start talking about her death,” he said. “It’s just …” He spread his hands and looked at them. “I don’t even know how to describe it. But to know that you’re talking about being like me, like this …” He clenched a hand into a fist. “How can I want that for you? You’re beauty and light and color and smell, and I’m darkness and ash and shadows and death. Cold and alone.”
“But you won’t be alone. Don’t you see that? We’ll be together. And then it won’t matter about everything else, as long as we’re together.”
“Is that the only reason you want to be with me, Abbey? So I’m not alone? It’s different. Different from anything you can ever imagine. What if it’s not what you think it is? What if you come to regret losing the chance you had at life? The chance to be surrounded by the people you love?”
“You’re the person I love,” I insisted. “All I need.”
“What about your shop? What about Abbey’s Hollow? The opportunities you’ll miss to go to Paris and study with the artists there. Or London, to go on shopping trips to buy new bottles or perfume supplies. Are you so ready to give up that dream?”
I didn’t know what to say. Did he have a point? There was still so much I wanted to do. To accomplish. Could that change? Would I change? What if I came to resent him for not having had any of the things I’d wanted in life?
“That’s not going to happen,” I said.
“Are you sure?”
His eyes seemed to see straight into my soul, down to my deepest thoughts, and I squirmed uncomfortably.
“I’m not saying that I won’t regret not having the chance to open Abbey’s Hollow,” I said slowly. “But how do you know what I will or won’t be able to experience once I’m with you? Maybe there’s a perfume shop somewhere on the other side that needs an owner.” I made a halfhearted attempt at a smile.
“For your sake, I hope so.” He smiled back. “But for now … just live the life you have, okay? Don’t become fatalistic. Don’t try to set everything up for your end days. Just enjoy the here and now.”
“I will,” I promised, and he looked relieved.
We sat in silence, the moon shining through the clouds and peeking into the bedroom as it played hide and seek behind them. “I don’t want to go back to sleep,” I finally murmured. “I don’t want to dream.”
“I can help with that.” The bed shifted and he got up, moving toward my bookshelf. A moment later he returned. In his hand was my battered copy of Jane Eyre.
“A book?” I said happily, moving the pillows behind me so that I could be propped up.
“Something else to think about.” He sat down and opened to the first page. “‘Chapter One. There was no possibility of taking a walk that day. We had been wandering—’”
“You’re going to read to me?” I asked, interrupting him. I couldn’t help the giddy note that had crept into my voice.
“Yes, but be quiet now, my bella.”
“What does that mean?”
“‘Beautiful.’”
That word. The way he’d said it triggered a memory. “Did you speak to me in a different language? When I was in the hospital?”
Caspian nodded. “Something to keep the nightmares at bay. To let you know I was there. Tu sei una stella … la mia stella,” he said. “It means ‘You’re a star. My star.’”
“What language is that?”
“Italian.”
I leaned forward and propped my chin on my fist. “I didn’t know that you knew Italian. Are you holding out on me?”
“It was just something I remembered from middle school. I took Italian from sixth grade through eighth.” He looked at me sternly. “Now, are you going to let me finish?”
I zipped a finger across my lips and threw away the imaginary key.
“Chapter One,” he said. And he began to read.
Chapter Six
LAST FIRST DAY
The schoolhouse stood in a rather lonely but pleasant situation, just at the foot of a woody hill …
—“The Legend of Sleepy Hollow”
I spent the next day working on Beth’s perfume, while Caspian sat at my desk, drawing. Mom came in after dinner, asking if she should make me a lunch for tomorrow.
“What are you talking about, Mom?” I said. “What’s tomorrow?”
She looked at me like I was crazy. “The first day of school, silly. Are you feeling okay?” She frowned and reached out a hand to feel my forehead.
School. Crap. I ducked out of her way. “I’m fine, Mom. I just forgot. Whatever you want to make is fine.” I’d probably end up just buying something from the cafeteria, but if Mom wanted to make herself feel better by putting together a lunch, that was fine with me.
“I’ll make you a hoagie,” she decided. “Italian?”
“Sounds good.” I gave her a wide grin and kept the smile on my face until she left. As soon as she was gone, I dragged over a giant stuffed beanbag chair from my closet and sat it next to Caspian. “I can’t believe school starts tomorrow,” I said, flopping into it. “Who starts school on a Friday? Why not wait until Monday?”
“Are you ready to go back?” he asked.
I shifted, and the chair made a squishy sound as the stuffing moved around. “I guess. I mean, I’m not exactly looking forward to it. Exams. Homework. Everyone trying to cram college stuff down my throat.” I shrugged.
“It’s the last first day of high school you’ll ever have.”
“In more ways than one.” I glanced over at him, but he scowled.
“I meant because of the fact that you’re a senior. Not because—”
“Because of the fact that I’ll be dead?”
“God, Abbey.” He pushed back his paper and stood up from the desk, looking upset. “Can’t we have just one conversation where that doesn’t come up?”
I looked down at my jeans. “I didn’t mean to—”
“I know you didn’t mean to. It just seems like that’s all you can talk about lately.”
“I’m sorry. I just want to be ready.”
“I need to go for a walk,” he said suddenly, moving to the door.
Panic shot through me. Why was he leaving? Should I tell him no, that I needed him to stay? Or would that make me look weak? I finally settled on, “How are you going to get out? You can’t just open the front door and leave that way. My parents are down there.”
Caspian stopped pacing and looked at the window. “Will you leave it open for me?” he asked, gesturing to it.
I nodded. And bit my lip, trying not to cry.
He went to open it, and hooked one leg outside. I turned back to my desk. Everyone needs their space. Don’t be a baby.
“Abbey,” Caspian said softly. So softly that I almost didn’t hear him. “Love.”
I turned my head.
“I’m not mad. I want you to know that, okay? I’ll come back in a little bit, I swear. I’m just going for a walk. That’s all.”
I couldn’t trust myself to speak, so I just nodded again, and then he left.
It was fine. No big deal.
When I woke to Mom’s voice calling up the stairs that it was
time for me to get up, I noticed immediately that Caspian was back. He was sitting there on the bed, next to me.
I sat up quickly and tried not to act too relieved.
“Good morning, beautiful,” he said. “Sorry I didn’t make it back before you fell asleep.”
“That’s okay. I’m just so glad you came back.” The words spilled out of me, and I glanced down at the sheets, incredibly embarrassed that I’d just said that.
“I told you I would.”
“What took so long?”
“I ran into Uri at the cemetery. We decided to see if Vincent might be hiding out there.”
I got up and stretched my arms above my head, then went over to the bathroom. “No luck, huh?”
“None yet.”
Grabbing a towel, I turned to shut the door behind me. “Going to take a shower,” I said. “See you in twenty.”
“Let me know if you need me to do any back scrubbing,” he called through the door.
I just laughed. “You wish.”
Thirty minutes later, I was clean and dressed. “Are you sure this looks okay?” I asked, turning to Caspian. “I don’t want to look like I’m trying too hard.”
I smoothed down the edges of my white shirt and readjusted the black vest I’d thrown over it. My four-leaf clover necklace was the last touch, and I re-knotted the ribbon at the back of my neck to make sure it stayed put.
“I’m not a fashion guy, but you look great to me.”
I smiled at him and slid my book bag onto my shoulder. Mom yelled for me to hurry, that we were leaving in five minutes, but suddenly I was loathe to leave Caspian behind. “Who needs school?” I said. “I can just stay here. With you.”
He pointed to the door. “Go. Have fun. I’ll see you in a couple of hours.”
I plodded slowly out of the room. He followed after me, and I turned back. Reaching out a hand, he cupped my face. Or as close to it as he could.
“I’ll miss you,” he said.
I nuzzled my cheek into the low buzz. “Me too.”
I picked up my necklace and kissed one side of the smooth, cold plated glass, then held it up to him. He kissed the same spot, letting it linger at his lips for a moment. When he returned it to me, I touched it gently.
I pulled away from him after one last call from Mom, then reluctantly trudged down the stairs.
Senior year started off with a bang. Literally. Someone’s car backfired in the parking lot right after Mom dropped me off, and half the students that had been milling around went running and screaming that someone was outside shooting. The whole school was put on lockdown, and we didn’t get to home-room until after lunch.
After the situation was settled, and our lockers were assigned (which is pretty much a joke since we all end up with the same locker year after year), I stood twirling my padlock and staring into the teeny, tiny space my stuff would call home for the next nine months, when someone tapped me on the shoulder.
“Excuse me,” a voice said. “I need to get in there. I don’t think the bell is going to hold off much longer. And while I’m normally cool with just hanging out, the hallway isn’t my first choice of places to do that.”
When I turned around to find bright green eyes, I paused in the middle of saying “Yeah?” to think about Caspian for a moment. I wonder what he’s doing. Is time going fast for him again? Or slowly, since he’s awake? Or is he even awake? Maybe he’s sleeping.
Hair was the second thing I saw. Her hair was long, even longer than my own, but not quite as curly. And red. Impossibly red. I snapped back to reality. “Oh! Sorry. You need me to move?” I glanced around. “Where?”
She looked down at a piece of paper clutched in one hand. “I’m 9-C. So I need to get in right there. Beside you.”
My stomach dropped to the floor, and my book bag slid out of my grip, spewing books everywhere. “Beside …” My throat seized up, and I coughed. “Beside me?”
She shifted her books, and something else she was holding. Something that I couldn’t get a glimpse of. “Yeah. Beside you. That’s how numbers work here, right? You’re 9-B, so 9-C comes next, right?”
“But that’s Kristen’s locker.”
“It’s already taken? Shit.”
I shook my head. And then found my voice. “It’s not. Taken, I mean. Kristen’s dead. It was just … It used to be her locker.”
There was silence, and then the unmistakable sound of the bell buzzing overhead.
“Shit. Twice,” she said, throwing one hand to point up. “There goes the bell.”
Glancing around me at the scurrying students, I realized that I was going to be late for class too. And my books were still all over the floor. Dropping to my knees, I started to gather them.
The new girl bent to help me pick one up. “I’m Cyn, by the way. And before you ask, no, ‘Cyn’ isn’t short for Cynthia, or Cynder, or Alicyn, or any of those. It’s just Cyn. Sweet. Short. C-Y-N. Got it?”
I glanced up. I think I liked her. “Abbey,” I said. “Short for Abigail. And it’s with an e.” She nodded, and just like that, we had an understanding.
Upon closer inspection, I could see that she had thin green highlights scattered throughout her hair. The color of new leaves. The effect was striking.
“I like your hair,” I said.
“Thanks.”
I stepped to one side and cleared a path for her to get to locker 9-C. As she slid the numbers around and then threw open the door, a wave of nostalgia overwhelmed me.
Kristen dropping notes into my locker after fifth period. Kristen letting me use her mirror because I was always forgetting to buy my own. Kristen waiting with a Cheshire cat smile and the latest study hall gossip. Kristen—
Cyn snapped her fingers. “Earth to Abbey. Are we losing you there? You’re zoning out on me.”
I shook my head and stuffed my books into my own locker. “Sorry. Just … lost in a memory.”
“I get it. You knew Kristen, huh?”
“You could say that. We were best friends.”
“Oh. Jesus. That sucks. How did she die?”
Such an innocent question. But it made my skin crawl. “She drowned,” I said curtly. “I don’t really want to talk about it.”
“Got it. That memo is loud and clear.” Cyn finally slid the other thing she’d been holding onto the little top shelf of the locker, and I couldn’t help but steal a peek.
It was a dead plant.
She caught me looking. “I have to keep them here,” she explained. “Otherwise my mom will throw them out.”
Why would she want to keep a dead plant?
Apparently my question was written all over my face, because she said defensively, “It’s a hobby, okay?”
I shrugged. “It’s cool.” Weird, but whatever.
Cyn slammed her locker door shut, then turned to head down the opposite hall. “Nice meeting you, Abbey,” she said. “And don’t worry, I never stay in one place for long. My mom is always moving me from school to school. It’s such a pain in the ass. But that means you won’t have to put up with me, or my dead plant, for long.”
She said with such conviction the exact words that I’d been thinking, that I stared after her with my mouth hanging open long after she was gone. What was she, a mind reader?
With the lockdown in the morning, I had only two classes to get through before the end of the day, and when the final bell rang, I heaved a sigh of relief. I ran into Beth on the way back to my locker.
“Hey, girl,” she said, stopping to give me a quick hug. “You totally missed out on the beach house. And the hotties.”
I laughed. “I know, I know. But I made your perfume for you. Hopefully that counts for something?” I pulled out the little sample vial that was in my pocket, and gave it to her.
She opened it, and a look of sheer bliss crossed her face. “This is so awesome, Abbey. Thank you.” She poured some of it onto her fingertip to rub across her wrists. “This is just what I needed after a day like to
day.”
“What happened?”
“Lewis again. The boy cannot get over our breakup. He’s like this little puppy dog that follows me around, and it’s just driving me cray-cray.”
“Cray-cray?”
“Crazy? You know.”
“Uh, yeah. Right.” I entered the combination into my lock. “He’ll get over it. Just tell him to give you …” The door swung open, and there was a folded-up note with a flower drawn on it sitting there. Immediately happiness filled me. Caspian had been here.
“I just need him to give me what, Abbey?” Beth said, interrupting my thoughts.
I glanced back at her, completely forgetting what I had been about to say. Something about Lewis … “Space!” I remembered. “Just ask him to give you some space. It’ll give you room to breathe and him time to accept the truth.”
“I know.” She sighed and pulled out her phone. “Speaking of … Guess who just texted me?”
“Mmm-hmm.” I smiled at her, but already I was turning my attention back to the note. Smoothing down the edges, I took a peek.
A quick hello for you, my dear Astrid, to let you know that I’m thinking of you. Hope your first day back was everything it should be. Meet me at my place when school is over.
—Caspian
His place. … The mausoleum?
Beth furiously texted away, then said, “I guess this is my cue to leave. I’ll catch ya later, girl. Call me!”
I looked up from my note, confused as to why she was leaving. And then I saw Ben coming my way.
I’m going to have to set her straight on that one again.
“Hey, Abbey,” Ben said, getting closer. “You aren’t hiding any Funyuns in your locker, are you?”
I slid the note from Caspian into my bag and turned toward him, shaking my head. “Nope. No Funyuns here.” Ben always knew how to make me smile.
“That sucks. If next Monday is anything like today, I’m going to need some serious snackage.”
“‘Snackage’?” I laughed. “Is that the technical term?”
“Totally.”
Slamming the locker door shut, I hoisted my bag over one shoulder.
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