“This morning. You were having some sort of vision?”
“Yes.” He swallowed hard, looking away again. “I can’t control them. On occasion, I’ve been able to create one myself, but more often than not, they happen when I least expect it.”
She took in a sharp breath, her shock becoming replaced by hurt. She knew how others would react if his secret were to come to light. Spirits, even she was looking at him differently now that she knew the truth. But knowing that he had withheld it from her, that he didn’t trust her enough to tell her, still left her throat painfully tight.
“All this time… why didn’t you tell me?” she asked, loathing the tremor in her voice. “You had the perfect opportunity to do so this morning and instead you lied.”
“The only person I’ve told is my father,” he replied, his jaw tightening again. “Odran figured it out on his own. If the clan were to find out… They have little faith in me as it is. How do you think they would react if they discovered that their Ri was a seer?”
“So you’re just going to try and hide it? Someone is bound to find out sooner or later. Maura is already suspicious.”
“I don’t have any other choice. I have it under control. I’ve hidden it well enough before this whole fiasco with Bleddyn.”
He was pushing her away again. She could see it in his expression, hear it in his voice, and it hurt all the more. Even when she knew the truth, he still didn’t want to trust her.
“Well,” she said, backing away from him, “I won’t be staying at Clogwyn long enough for you to have to worry about me spilling your secret.”
She turned to walk away but he grabbed her by the arm, gently pulling her to a stop.
“Ciara,” he sighed. “I don’t— this doesn’t have to change anything.”
She looked back at him, raising a brow and managing to lift her chin. “It doesn’t? I’ve already lived with a man who lied and didn’t trust me. I’m not doing that again.”
He visibly flinched, shrinking back at her words. For a moment, she almost took them back, but the memories of being with Bleddyn were too fresh and her hurting heart too raw. She couldn’t even contemplate a future with a man who kept secrets from her. She wouldn’t. Pulling her arm away, she walked back to their camp. He remained where he was, his shoulders slumped. Tears stung her eyes but she blinked them back. There was never anything between them; she couldn’t grieve something that she’d never had, but the ache in her chest didn’t fade. He wasn’t the man she’d once known, the one who was honest and truthful, and that pained her worst of all.
Chapter 27
The Three Foxes
To Niall’s relief, they made it to Sionnach by late afternoon. They easily found accommodations upon their arrival at the village’s one tavern, The Three Foxes. Sionnach was a small village, home to less than fifty inhabitants, but Niall found that the quaintness of it suited him well. The tavern owner, Breda, was welcoming and happy to have them in her establishment. His relief at being among his own people, however, was shadowed by the strain that had developed between him, Ciara, and Maura.
After Ciara’s confrontation, at Odran’s insistence, he had told Maura the truth as well. She too had been upset by his lies, though her response paled in comparison to the coldness that Ciara was treating him with. Her indifference and avoidance hurt worse than Maura’s frustration. He should have expected Ciara’s rejection, but it still left him with a physical ache in his chest. He had lied to her and now that she knew the truth, there was no reason to expect that she would want anything to do with him.
After they got settled in at the tavern, Maura arranged baths for the four of them. For Niall, a fresh shave along with cleaning off the grime and dust from traveling for days on end was particularly refreshing. Donning a clean shirt and pants, he braved leaving his room, determined not to spend the entire night hiding away. The vision he’d had of Cigfran days ago was still lodged in his memory, but they were safely among his own people again; no harm should befall them in Sionnach.
While some of the villagers had cast dark looks in his direction since their arrival, that wasn’t all that unusual. Unfortunately, there were a great many who had never approved of Conor’s choice, but that didn’t mean they would do something as treacherous as turn on their own Ri. The stresses of the past few weeks had become a burden that he felt he could no longer bear and now that he was safely home, he was willing to risk a few hours in public to help rid himself of the tension that had been wearing on him for weeks.
Letting out a long exhale, he stepped into the tavern’s main room with Rhew at his heels, the tightness in his shoulders easing. There were a few villagers at the bar and he was tempted to join them, but decided it would be better to not push his luck, especially with the unfriendly looks a few of them cast his way. Instead, he settled for an empty table fairly close to all the activity. He took a seat and Rhew curled up at his feet just under the table as Breda emerged from the kitchen. She walked his way and Niall greeted her with a smile that she returned, though he did notice that it seemed a bit forced. When she reached him, she asked him what she could get him and he shook off his paranoid thoughts. There was no sense in looking for trouble.
“Just a mug of ale will be fine for now,” he told her.
“Of course. It will be right out,” she replied, giving him a respectful nod.
He thanked her before she wandered back to the kitchen. The hum of nearby conversation was a welcome distraction and he relaxed back in his seat as he waited for his drink. In a few days, he would be safe at the castle once again and better able to focus on the larger issues at hand—mainly dealing with Bleddyn’s betrayal and making certain that the people of Blaidd would make it through the winter without too much hardship.
Breda soon returned with his ale and as Niall sipped on the drink, he surveyed the room. Late afternoon sun drifted in from the nearby windows, and outside he watched the occasional horse and cart pass by as those in the village went about their day. Many were working to get in the last of the fall harvest before winter set in. He hoped that the few crops that managed to grow on the rugged mountainsides, along with the villagers’ herds of goats and sheep, had done well through the spring and summer.
“Is it any good?”
He glanced up at Maura’s voice. She motioned to his ale as she joined him.
“It is,” he replied, taking another drink.
She sat down at the table, ordering a drink of her own. Breda brought it out and as the tavern owner disappeared, Niall hoped that Maura’s willingness to sit with him was a sign that at least some of her hard feelings were behind them.
“Do you know where the others are?” he asked.
“Ciara went out to check on the horses,” she answered. “Odran wanted a nap before dinner.”
Niall nodded, staring down at the remnants of his ale before clearing his throat. “I need to apologize for lying to you like I did. If you are no longer interested in maintaining your position, I understand.”
She was silent for a moment, pressing her lips together. “I’m not particularly pleased about being lied to, but I can understand what led you to do so. I only ask for honesty from here on out.”
“You will have it,” he said with a solemn nod. He had grown to trust her over the past few months and he was grateful for her willingness to still lead the war band, especially in spite of the mess that he had created.
The tavern’s front door opened, drawing Niall’s attention, and Ciara walked in. A pang struck his heart at the sight of her. She had changed into fresh clothing as well and had artfully braided her dark hair, piling it on top of her head in a particularly becoming fashion. For a moment, his spirits lifted when she glanced over at him and Maura, but her brow quickly furrowed and she walked over to take a seat at the bar instead. Niall couldn’t hold back his sigh.
“She still isn’t speaking to you?” Maura raised a brow.
“No,” he answered, hanging his head.
“It’s better this way. We’ll go our separate ways in a few days so that she can move on.” The words tasted bitter as he spoke them and his stomach hardened.
“I don’t think you actually mean that.” Maura took a long sip of her drink. “Any more than I think that what she truly wants is to never see you again.”
He let out a long, low breath, unable to meet her gaze. “I hardly know how to pick up the pieces of what we once had.”
“May I recommend an apology,” she said, giving him a pointed look.
He glanced over at Ciara, his stomach tightening as he watched her get up from the bar. He needed to set things right, but his habit of avoidance had become difficult to break. Ciara crossed the room just as Odran emerged from the hallway, the two of them exchanging a brief greeting before she departed. Maura waved Odran over, and he joined them. Taking the seat beside Maura, he leaned over and kissed her cheek, a faint blush overtaking her when he eased back from her. Niall was momentarily speechless, only able to stare at the two of them, stunned. They had been spending a fair bit of time together the past week and a half, but apparently it had gone beyond mere friendship.
“How was your nap?” Maura asked Odran.
“Good,” he answered, stretching out his back before resting an arm over the back of her chair. “I can hardly wait to spend every night in a real bed again.”
She laughed and the look that the two of them exchanged made Niall’s breath hitch. Could Ciara accept me for what I am? The thought was a tantalizing one, but Maura was right. They wouldn’t be able to find any way forward unless he started with an apology—a sincere one.
“I need to check on something,” he said, getting to his feet. “Before dinner.”
Maura and Odran both nodded and he left the table, calling for Rhew to join him. The white wolf let out a long stretch before catching up with him. The Three Foxes was a small inn, only having eight rooms total, and finding Ciara’s was easy. While Niall had been given the largest quarters close to the great room at Breda’s insistence, Ciara, Odran, and Maura had rooms right next to one another at the end of the long hallway. When he reached Ciara’s door, he told Rhew to sit, his stomach quivering as he knocked. His palms grew sweaty as he waited for her to answer and he was close to giving up by the time the door opened.
“Can we talk?” he asked before she could slam it shut in his face.
She bit her lip, holding tightly to the door. “Regarding what?”
“I need to apologize.”
He held his breath while he waited for her answer, the silence between them thick. Finally, she nodded, backing away to let him in. Rhew followed behind him, his wolf getting a far friendlier greeting than he did. He stood awkwardly just inside the door, twisting his clan ring as he searched for words.
“I’m sorry I lied to you,” he said, making himself meet her gaze. “It was dishonest of me and I shouldn’t have done it.”
“Why?” she asked, folding her arms, her shoulders tense. “Why lie instead of just telling me the truth?”
He couldn’t look at her, instead staring at his boots as he continued to fidget with his ring. Uncomfortable silence filled the room again and he took a deep breath before looking back up.
“Because I was afraid,” he answered, his voice wavering. “It doesn’t make it right, but I’m afraid of what the council and elders will do if they learn the truth. Afraid of how my warriors will react, and that my people and everyone else will see me as nothing more than a monster.”
Her eyes widened, her expression softening. “You’re not a monster, Niall.”
His jaw tightened, a painful lump forming in his throat. “I’m not sure that there are many who would agree with you.”
“You’re not a monster,” she repeated, closing the distance between them before placing a hand on his arm. “I’m not going to lie and say that it feels easy to trust after Bleddyn, but I can forgive you.”
The tightness in his chest eased some and he took her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Thank you.”
She glanced down at their clasped hands and when her gaze met his again, he found himself suddenly more aware of just how close they were standing to one another. The air between them changed and her skin pressed against his was enough to make his pulse quicken.
“I didn’t stop writing because I stopped caring about you,” he said softly. “I just couldn’t face what I am. Not even with myself.”
Their gazes locked, the depth of desire he saw reflected in her eyes matching his own.
“It would have always been you,” she whispered.
His breath caught, her confession leaving him wanting nothing more than to close the distance between them and press a kiss to her lips. But before his body could overtake his mind, he stopped himself. The last thing he wanted was this moment between them to turn into something they would both later regret. The timing wasn’t right, not with their relationship on such tremulous grounds.
“And it will always be you,” he told her, rubbing his thumb across the back of her palm in a tender caress before dropping her hand and backing away. “Even if what you need is to move on from whatever we once had.”
She bit her lip, swallowing hard. “I’m not really sure that I even know what I need right now.”
“Whatever your decision is, I’ll respect it. I promise you that.”
There was a twinge in his chest at the declaration, but he owed her that, at least. If by some small miracle something grew between them, he didn’t want it to be out of any sense of obligation or guilt. He wanted it to be as genuine and honest as it had once been.
“I’ll see you at dinner,” he said before forcing himself to the door.
He saw himself out, Rhew at his side, albeit reluctant to leave. Though he ached to stay, Ciara needed time to sort out her own feelings and she didn’t need him in the middle of it. His earlier energy was gone, drained by the emotional interaction. Walking down the hallway, he headed to his own room. Odran wasn’t the only one who was going to be getting a nap before dinner.
Chapter 28
Faithless Acts
Ciara knew that she was a coward for taking dinner in her room, but her emotions were too much of a jumbled mess for her to join the others. She couldn’t face Niall again, not after their conversation. She’d worked so hard to be angry at him, to deny him any manner of forgiveness, but when she’d heard the fear in his voice and seen the vulnerability in his eyes, her carefully constructed walls had come tumbling down.
She wanted to write him off as no different than his brother, but deep down she knew that wasn’t entirely fair. Bleddyn had never apologized for any of his actions and he had never been willing to show even an ounce of vulnerability to anyone. Not even her. Niall had changed, there was no denying that, but he hadn’t changed in the ways that mattered most. He still saw her for who she was and believed in her, just like he always had.
With a sigh, she slumped back against the headboard. It had been nearly three weeks since they had fled Ciall, yet most days it seemed longer than that. Though she could still feel the call of home, Niall wasn’t going to be the only one she missed when she left Castle Clogwyn. She had grown close to both Maura and Odran, close enough that their small party was starting to blur the line between friends and family.
As the days had passed, she had found the part of herself that she had lost. Her whole life, she had carried an underlying hesitance, one that had been pushed by her mother: She was too weak, too fragile. But she was starting to not see herself that way anymore.
A knock at the door caused her to get to her feet and she crossed the room. Maura stood in the hallway, dressed in sleeping clothes and holding two steaming mugs.
“I know you weren’t feeling up for dinner,” Maura said, “but I couldn’t let you miss out o
n this.”
Ciara took one of the mugs as Maura stepped into the room, the drink’s sweet scent making her mouth water.
“What is it?” she asked, raising a brow when she peered down at the dark, frothy liquid.
“Melted chocolate from the mainland,” Maura replied with a grin. “With a little whiskey for good measure. Breda’s specialty, apparently. Honestly, I think she’s just trying to impress Niall as much as she can, but when she offered it, I couldn’t let you miss out.”
Ciara laughed. “Thank you.”
She took a sip of the drink, the warm liquid tasting as sweet as it smelled. Definitely worth not missing out on, she thought, briefly closing her eyes as she savored the drink. She and Maura walked over to sit down on her bed, the two women facing one another. Ciara crossed her legs, pulling a blanket over her lap to help ward off the chilly night air before she continued sipping on her drink.
“Have you decided whether or not you’re going to stay for a few days after we reach the castle?” Maura asked.
Ciara hesitated, pressing her lips together. A few hours ago, her answer would have been no, but now the desire to linger and spend more time with Odran and Maura was strong. Even more than that was the burning desire to stay and see if there was any future for her and Niall.
“I think I can spare a few days,” she answered.
Maura smiled. “You’ll like the castle. It has an entirely different feel than Ciall. And if you like Rhew, you’ll probably enjoy meeting the rest of her pack.”
“Do they roam the castle still?”
“Mostly. Niall keeps a pretty close eye on them all, but they’re largely free to come and go as they please. So long as they stay out of the kitchens.”
There was a slight twinge in Ciara’s chest at Niall’s name and her gaze dropped to her lap.
“I take it the two of you talked?” Maura asked, her expression softening.
Ciara nodded, letting out a sigh. “We did. I… honestly, I don’t even know where to go from here. Or what we even are to one another at this point.”
The Betrayer: Tales of Pern Coen (Legacy Book 1) Page 21