Waiting on my Reason

by Devon Ashley

  After all, I was tagged the whore who cheated and ruined that all-star pitcher’s life. Having another guy’s baby was why Brad apparently left so abruptly.

  Yeah, people sucked.

  When we got home again, Karen grabbed her bag and said goodbye. Now that the funeral was over and I had Shane to lean on, I wanted her to get back to Kevin. I’d stolen her away from him enough these past few weeks. As I headed to the back of the house, my body seemed to detour to the room on the right. I don’t know why, but I felt like I owed it to Joyce to sit in there for a while. In a way, it made me feel like we could mourn Brad together. Maybe in the next life they’d get along a little better.

  “Worst is over.” I turned to glance at Shane, standing in the door with both palms against the frame of the door. He looked killer in a suit and tie. He took Jake to Dallas yesterday to get it. And although Jake was pretty numb to the world, Mrs. Michaels was apparently able to get a few smiles out of him while he was there. She always was sweet. “Nothing left to do but mourn and move on.”

  Although I agreed with him, my yeah came out more as a mutter. “Except for the part where I’ll one day have to explain his birth father to him.”

  His lips twisted downward, then he sat beside me, his hand smoothly sliding up and down my thigh. “We’ll just tell him that sometimes people get sick and don’t know what they’re doing anymore. With all the drugs and alcohol in his system, you can’t tell me it didn’t control the desperation inside him.”

  My mouth curled into a half-smile. “We’ll tell him? So you’re going to be around that long?” I teased. Hell, I was a one woman death magnet. I wouldn’t hold it against anyone in my life if they chose to cut and run at this point.

  “Like you don’t know you’re stuck with me for life.”

  “Happy to be stuck.”

  “Me too,” he said with a smile, then kissed me softly on the lips.

  “One more thing.” Shane stood up and pulled open the second drawer of the dresser. Curiously, he pulled out a box of tissues and handed it to me. Next, he pulled out two envelopes and held them in his hands. “I found these when I cleaned out Joyce’s things.” My smile immediately fell, apprehension setting in. “I hadn’t given them to you yet because I knew whatever was in here was going to make you cry. But seeing as how you’re already doing that, I might as well give them to you now.”

  Stunned, I took the envelopes he offered. One had For Jake on his 18th Birthday written on it, the other had my own name scribbled across. I took in a deep breath to still my nerves as I accepted them.

  “They were in there all this time?” I knew it was a question with an obvious answer, I just couldn’t believe I never knew. There was a bulge in the ivory envelope that felt hard when I thumbed it.

  “I’m going to take Jake out back to play for a bit. Give you a few minutes.”

  He leaned over and kissed my cheek, but all I could do was stare at the cursive lettering before me. I hardly noticed that he left and closed the door behind him. Laying Jake’s envelope aside, I slid my finger across the seal of mine and split it open. Besides the sheet of paper, there was an antique ring inside, which I immediately slid onto the tip of my forefinger. I didn’t recognize it all, but Joyce didn’t wear much in the end. In all honesty, I figured she was forced to sell off her entire jewelry collection, and unless Shane found it when he cleaned out her room, I was probably looking at the last remaining piece. And it was lovely – antique silver with an ornate design amongst several small pearls.

  My Dearest Melanie,

  Forgive me for beginning this letter by telling you what a coward I am. If you found this, I was unable to find the courage to say these things to you directly. I’ve wanted to speak with you for quite some time, and I’ve written this letter in case I never make my deadline.

  First and foremost, I love you and Jake with all my heart. I’ve been lost for quite some time, and I was facing my darkest hour when the two of you came into my life. You lit me up and returned my will to live, to fight. I may have had to sell away my wealth, but now that I’m here with the two of you, I feel like the richest woman in the world. The sacrifices you made to keep me going...I still cry myself to sleep sometimes. You’ve been my salvation, my angel when I thought heaven had long given up on me.

  What hurts me the most is that you’re taking this on all on your own. My grandson never should’ve walked out on you. Perhaps if I had been a better motherly figure for him, he would’ve become a better man for you. My failure will forever haunt my soul. But you…you’ve proven you’re strong, and I’ll pass knowing you’ll tear down any wall that’s built up around you. You’ll raise your son the way I should’ve raised his father. I hate that I have to leave you alone in this world, because I remember the lonely years all too well. Be stronger than I was, and don’t allow the darkness to take you over. Should you be lucky enough to find a heart that sings to yours, let him fill you with the love you deserve. Your soul is too kind to be destined for anything less.

  Enclosed you’ll find a ring. It was given to me by my mother, who was given it by hers, and so on for many generations. I’m honored to pass it on to you now, because you are the daughter I never got to have. If I’m being completely honest with myself, I never truly deserved to wear it. But you do. You embody the very same qualities the other women in my family bestowed. Love. Strength. Courage. And I’m proud to call you my daughter, my family.

  Keep my darling Jake safe for me, and explain to him that we will see each other again one day. But don’t dwell on my passing. Mourn me, remember me, even wish I were still there if you want, but never allow my death to hinder you emotionally. They say everything happens for a reason. One could kill themselves trying to figure out all the reasons why. Believe me, I spent a huge part of my life searching for an answer every day. Learn from my mistake and just accept each blow and move forward. Only then will you find the peace you seek.

  I love you two with all my heart. And I pray every day that life will confer the kindness you truly deserve.

  All my love,

  Joyce

  Hell, one box of tissues wasn’t going to cut it. I left it behind and made my way to the bathroom, tears streaming down my face. I yanked the hand towel off the wall and buried my face within the dark recess of its soft, cotton folds. I heaved and cried until my ducts ran dry and my chest hurt to breathe. Gawd. Now I felt really guilty for removing the Montgomery name from Jake. It was sad how one individual could ruin the family’s namesake for the rest.

  I sat there until I calmed myself, too exhausted to even appreciate the wonderful things said within that letter. I twisted the ring on my finger, a smile slowly beginning to take over my expression. I wouldn’t say I ever saw Joyce as a second mother, but I was glad I got to be a daughter for her, because she had been a wonderful Nana to Jake. She was the only grandparent he ever got to meet and she was his great-grandmother at that. And I would forever love her as if she had been my own.

  I made my way to the back and slipped past the door unnoticed. Shane had just given Jake a boost into our biggest tree, and now he stood there with his arms extended, waiting to catch him in case he couldn’t keep his grip. Jake slowly and awkwardly climbed to his feet on the tree limb. When he giggled with excitement over being in the tree for the first time, I quietly laughed right along with him. And as Shane pulled himself up into the tree to stand beside him, I realized right then that Joyce was right.

  Everything did happen for a reason. And as I stood there watching my two guys create a bond that would last forever, I realized it didn’t matter why my life took the path that it did, or why it made me endure all the hardships it threw my way. I no longer needed to know the why behind all those reasons, because in the end, I was pretty happy with where I ended up.

  Devon Ashley is a mom, a wife, a lover and a fighter, a coffee addict, a wicked knitster, a Microbiologist, a baker of fine yummy treats, and someone who will fight you to the death for that last
bag of M&Ms during the zombie-apocalypse. Seriously, her addiction is that important to her. Oh, and she says seriously way too much. Seriously…

  Links below are for GoodReads and Amazon US. For additional buy links, release dates and general stalking, please go to the author’s website.

  Nearly

  New Adult Romantic Suspense

  Nearly Broken, One

  Nearly Mended, Two (Coming 2014)

  Falling

  New Adult Contemporary Romance

  Falling In Between, One

  Falling Away, Two

  Falling Upward, Novella

  Of Dust and Darkness

  Young Adult Pixie Fantasy

  Dust, One

  Stardust, Two (Coming 2014)

  Ashes & Dust, Three (Coming 2014)

  The Immortal Archives

  New Adult Urban Fantasy

  Ordained, One

  Metamorphosis, Two

  Catacombs, Three (Coming TBA)

  Have you read NEARLY BROKEN by Devon Ashley yet? If not, here’s a sneak peek!

  We’d both gone missing at one point, but Claire had one thing I didn’t. Someone to notice. So why was I the one still here and she the one still gone?

  Nineteen year old Megan Smith has spent the past year working in a small town diner in the middle of nowhere. Life is quiet, simple, safe. Then comes the news that her look-a-like has gone missing.

  Claire.

  Still damaged both physically and mentally, Megan's not looking to be noticed. Wherever she goes from here, it's a road she needs to take alone. But when Nickolas Ellis takes the job as the new nightshift cook, it scares her how easily her defenses crumble down, down, down for him. But there are secrets she can't bear to share with just anyone, unspeakable acts that continue to haunt, and when the similarities of Claire’s abduction couples with the fear of an unwanted visitor in town, the urge to run before it all happens again intensifies, threatening the only happiness Megan's ever found.

  New Adult Romantic Suspense / Dark Realistic Fiction

  What the reviewers are saying…

  This book left me SPEECHLESS. Dark romance lovers this one is for you!

  This book ripped me apart. I don’t know any other way to put it.

  TOTAL BONE CRUSHER.

  THROUGH MY CHEST CAVITY.

  HEART. RIPPED. OUT. Alexis @ Reality Bites! Let’s Get Lost!

  Holy Unexpected Hell. Devon Ashley took me on an emotional rollercoaster ride that left me feeling raw and choking on my sobs by the end… Paula @ Romantic Book Affairs

  My heart has officially been shattered. God, what an emotional read. Seriously. I've never been so floored by a book before… Dejana Vuletić, author of the Keeper of the Light series

  Nearly Broken is a deeply emotional, disturbing book that will take your mind to places you never want to go. …it is also a phenomenal story about a brave girl and a sweet romance. Jessica @ Jessica’s Book Reviews

  Nearly Broken was intense and captivating. This is story telling at its best. This book is NOT for the faint of heart, very heavy subject matter. But underneath the heavy is a heartbreakingly beautiful love story. I think only one or two other books have gutted me like this one. My heart broke for Megan and Nick. Meg, GoodReads reviewer

  This book was nothing like I expected it would be. It was not an easy read at all. Parts of it were downright disturbing and highly twisted. The author's intriguing and captivating writing style managed to suck me in from the start and I could just not stop reading… Debra, GoodReads reviewer

  UM...OH.MY.GOD....WOW. That was some crazy, psycho, unbelievable stuff right there! I mean, disturbing, dark, angsty, emotional stuff. I have read a lot of new adult, but never like this. Didi, GoodReads reviewer

  I don’t even know what to say. This book is…gut wrenchingly heart breaking. It took my emotions and destroyed me. It ripped my heart out and left me feeling cold and alone. The writing style is amazing. I felt every last emotion. I felt happy, sad, excited, tearful then devastated. I have never cried this much with a book. Read at your own risk. Be warned…this book will destroy your emotions! Rachel, GoodReads reviewer

  I methodically tugged at the bottom of my sleeves, pulling them down as far as they stretched, covering the horrors hidden beneath its thick cotton. It was something I did naturally these days, like an itch always begging to be scratched.

  As soon as I left the bathroom, I saw him in the corner booth. Nine-fifteen. You could set your watch to his nightly arrival. I waved to the man and headed to the cooler behind the counter to grab his beer before heading over. “Hey, Joe,” I said. “How was work today?”

  “Same ol’, same ol.” He immediately grasped the icy bottle. I swear he didn’t know how to function without it, almost like it was an extension of his right arm that was separated at birth.

  “You want your usual?”

  “Yeah.” Before I could get even two steps away, he added, “Hey, Megan. A bunch of us are goin’ fishing tomorrow. There’s gonna be some girls there, too. You should head out with us. Get some sun on your pasty ass.”

  My lips pressed together. Joe still hadn’t given up. When his attempts to get me alone repeatedly failed, he began with the group outings. Don’t get me wrong; he wasn’t unattractive. Though I never saw him outside his oil-covered blue coveralls and dirty baseball cap, I was sure he could clean up well enough. And with a body only achievable through countless gym hours, crisp, Caribbean blue eyes and light brown hair, I understood why some of the local girls flaunted themselves for his attention. I just wasn’t one of those girls. In another life I might have actually said yes, but not this one.

  “Thanks, but fishing’s not really my thing.”

  “Seems like nothing’s your thing. Fishing, camping, drinking, pool. What the hell do ya’ do?”

  “It’s nothing personal, Joe. I just don’t go out anymore. And I don’t date.”

  He rolled his eyes and took a long swig of beer. I took the opportunity to leave, but I still heard his mutters behind my back. “Jeesh. Who the hell fucked you up so badly?”

  I sighed. You have no freaking idea…

  Instead of placing my order through the pass-through, I avoided staying in the front room all together and went to find Paul in the kitchen. “He wants his usual.”

  “Already got it going. Ready in three.”

  I leaned against the tall, stainless steel refrigerator and watched Paul do his thing, flipping the burger on the grill and frying up the greasy fries that came along with it. You wouldn’t think by looking at the burly man that he’d be the softy that he was. He was probably fifty pounds overweight, with dark brown eyes and curly black hair that always seemed to look wet, with unsightly pit stains on his yellowed white cook’s uniform. But behind his typically sour expression was an incredibly kind and gentle man, like a big teddy bear. He and his wife Darla owned Breenie’s Diner and not only gave me a job when I came into Myrtle Creek, Oregon, but let my broke ass stay in their guest room until I got a couple of paychecks under me. He was almost like the dad I no longer had. Which was why it was a little awkward when he asked, “That boy still trying to ask you out? Because you can do better.”

  “I think you’re a little biased. I’m no better than anyone else that hangs around this joint.”

  “Maybe not. But you seem the most likely to get the hell out.”

  Not much of a stretch since I was the only one working here who willingly fled from my old home to come to a town with only three thousand residents. “You trying to run me off, Paul?” I teased.

  “Nope.” He passed me the burger deluxe. “I just never thought you’d stay this long. You’ve got the looks and the smarts to be something far greater than a waitress.”

  So I’d been told. I just lacked the desire for attention. “Don’t worry, Paul. I’m not bailing on you anytime soon.”

  He flashed me a tired smile. I grabbed another beer on my way and laid it all out before Joe, taking the empty bot
tle with me as I hurried off to avoid further conversation about my lack of socialization. Somewhat ironic, I know. Unfortunately, I still had to go back once more, and there was no way I could be rude enough to ignore him twice.

  Grabbing the ketchup-smeared plate that now resembled something similar to an abstract painting, I asked, “You want anything else?”

  “Let me ask ya’ this.”

  Shit. I pulled his ticket from the black apron tied around my hips and laid it aside.

  “So ya’ don’t wanna date. Why won’t ‘cha at least hang out as friends?”

  I narrowed my eyes at him. “You really going to be satisfied with just a friendship?” When he didn’t answer quickly enough, I added, “Night, Joe,” and walked back to the kitchen.

  After a few more late night tables, midnight hit and the diner was empty. I spent the next hour sweeping and mopping the dining room floor, then headed over to the bathrooms to clean them up. When I came back out, I noticed a young woman had taken up the seat at the end of the counter, her perched feet on the metal footrest twitching irregularly.

  “Hi,” I said, forcing a friendly smile, trying to maintain the façade that I wasn’t utterly exhausted and my feet weren’t aching something fierce.

  Her body straightened and stiffened, eyes widening and lips pulling apart, hovering in air without purpose. Even her voice seemed stunned when she asked over a heavy breath, “Claire?”

  My head rotated backwards and I peeked through the kitchen doorway, even though I knew there was no one else back there. Well, Paul was. But a big guy like that was never going to be mistaken for any Claire. I returned my attention to her, putting myself opposite, with only the counter between us.