Waiting on my Reason

by Devon Ashley

  Paul seemed unaffected by Nick’s arrival and said goodnight as he climbed into his truck, so even he must’ve heard the rumors and assumed we were dating. Funny he didn’t sound off his opinion of Nick like he did with Joe.

  I let myself in and eased into the passenger seat, afraid to look him in those gorgeous green eyes. “Hey,” he murmured.

  “Hey,” I returned. I knew he was looking at me but I just couldn’t brave it in return.

  “How’d your night go?”

  I took a moment to think on it. “Slow.”

  I sensed a smile before he quietly chuckled, starting the engine to drive us home. Only then did I have the courage to look his way.

  “Mine, too,” he said.

  It only took a minute to drive home. When I stepped into our apartment, I breathed in the faint aroma of garlic, but saw nothing but a clean kitchen. “Did you cook?”

  “Yep. Go change and I’ll heat you up a plate.”

  I did like he said and hid myself away to change into my nightwear. I returned to find a pasta dish ready on the counter, with olive oil, basil, garlic and diced tomatoes. So simple yet fantastic.

  I focused on my food, afraid to speak while he watched some old movie on TV. When I realized he wasn’t going to bring up what happened earlier, I relaxed and joined him on the sofa for the rest of the movie.

  That was the first night I had the nightmare.

  I was standing in an abandoned crossroad in the middle of the night, nothing but barren wastelands in each direction. I didn’t know where I was or what I was doing there, but something had me so terrified I was literally quivering in my boots, fearful beyond comprehension.

  Nick appeared off to my left, the moon sucking all the color from his skin. He waved frantically, desperately seeking my gaze. He cupped his mouth and yelled, and the wind carried his scream all the way to my ear. “Air!” He pointed towards me, again shouting, “AIR!”

  I looked to the sky but saw nothing more than the moon and the stars, staring down at me with judgment, it seemed. When I looked to my right, I gasped. Mom and Dad! Though white as ghosts, they looked exactly as I remembered, but their faces were filled with so many negative emotions – dread, pain, sorrow, disappointment. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but something felt very wrong with them, like something bad was about to happen.

  But what?

  My lead feet still wouldn’t move. Desperate to reach out to them, to touch the very skin I longed to embrace, I extended my arm their way. But my hand was dripping red with blood, the only color in this world of shaded grays. I tried to shake it off, and when I did, my hand burst into a fiery glow.

  I woke up screaming, my hairline drenched with sweat, my hand tingling where it was burning just seconds ago. Nick was on me in seconds, slamming the doors into their hidden pockets with so much force they bounced back at him.

  “What’s wrong?” he burst with panic, his eyes quickly scanning the room he knew would be empty. “You okay?”

  Feeling foolish, I buried my face in my hands. “Yeah, sorry.” I took in a few deep breaths, trying to help my stressed heart slow its quickened rhythmic pace. “Just a bad dream. A really bad dream.”

  He sat beside me and gently stroked my back until I came out of hiding. “You want to tell me about it?”

  Shaking my head with utter humiliation, I quickly blurted, “No.” A moment later, I added, “I’m sorry if I woke you. I’ve haven’t had a nightmare like that in a long time.”

  “It’s alright. I’ve had a few scare the shit out of me through the years. I’m sure you’ll be fine now.”

  But it wasn’t fine. Over the next five nights, I had some version of the same nightmare three more times, and Nick finally convinced me to tell him about it.

  “Sounds like your subconscious is trying hard to tell you something.”

  “Hell if I know what it’s trying to say. I’m too scared to learn anything. I’m suffocated with so much fear that I can’t act on anything anyone is trying to tell me.”

  “Don’t worry,” he said, his hand brushing my hair behind my ear. “You may have to have the dream a few more times, but you’ll figure it out.”

  I shook my head, in annoyance with myself. After everything I’d been through, to have my mind screwing with me now, when I finally felt like I was on the verge of some actual happiness, just really pissed me off.

  Tish wasn’t kidding about the rumors flying around about me and Nick, because they were finally coming directly to me. Three of my regulars had already asked if we were dating and so had two high school chicks I didn’t know, who were probably just fishing to find out if he was really off the market.

  As if he’d go for jailbait.

  I told the truth to my regulars and lied to the jailbait.

  True to her word, Tish also moved in on Nick. She gave me a little more than a week before she started hanging around after her shift, talking his ear off while I worked the tables and he cooked the orders. Ever the kind soul, he didn’t run her off, but some of the looks he flashed through the pass-through were priceless.

  I realized right away I had nothing to worry about when it came to Tish. And just for fun, I kept doing the, “Tish, tell Nick about the time you…” game.

  Oh, if looks could kill.

  “Just for the record,” he stated, now that Tish had gone home for the night, “You will pay dearly for that.”

  The playfully wicked expression he reserved just for my benefit had me laughing for hours. At least until Joe arrived at nine-fifteen. Though he’d dropped his grumpy attitude, he wasn’t as friendly as he used to be, like he was before Nick came to town. And I may not have wanted to date the guy, but I didn’t exactly want to have a negative relationship with him either. So I tried to remain friendly through it all.

  Boy, did that bite me in the ass.

  “So are festivals your thing? Ya’ know we have that annual one coming up tomorrow. Can ya’ come hang out for that or are ya’ otherwise preoccupied?”

  Those last two words were surely directed at Nick, who was casually walking by the pass-through to keep a curious eye on us.

  “Isn’t that the night owl or lightning bug thing?” Hell to the no on anything night-related. That was when my mind played the cruelest tricks.

  “Yeah, the Firefly Festival.”

  “Well, then I’ll probably be working through the whole thing. Sorry.”

  “Can’t ‘cha take the night off?”

  My hand went to my hip as my head tipped sideways at him. “Joe, you come in here like six nights a week. Have I ever not been here for you? You know I don’t have a back-up to cover my shift.”

  He sighed and stretched his arms up, leaving his hands behind his head for a moment.

  “What about Tish?” I asked.

  Furrowing his forehead, he replied, “That waitress chick?”

  I withheld the roll my eyes were itching to make. Wasn’t I a waitress chick?

  I nodded my head encouragingly, hoping to knock out two birds with a single lovestone, but he muttered, “I don’t like blondes.”

  Good Lord. I shook my head and began my retreat. “Well, sounds like you guys will have fun regardless.”

  “What sounds like fun?” Nick asked the moment I stepped into the kitchen. Of course he’d be eavesdropping where Joe was concerned.

  “Oh, nothing. He was trying to get me to go to that Firefly Festival tomorrow night. I was just making friendly conversation.”

  Confused, he repeated, “Firefly Festival? What the hell kind of festival is that?”

  “I don’t know. I remember it from last year but I didn’t go. I think it’s just a family-friendly celebration they do to kick off summer, and they do it at night because the lightning bugs are everywhere. The kids get to spend the evening trying to catch those bugs in glass jars. I think they even give the kid with the most bugs a prize or something.”

  “Is there free food? I’m in. Do you want to go?”

 
“Did you forget we’ll be working?”

  He lightly snapped at me from behind with his towel, hitting my jeans. “That doesn’t answer my question.” I just shrugged it off, so he added, “It’d be good for you to get out. All you do is go back and forth to work.”

  “Hey!” I snapped, pointing my finger at him threateningly, as he was winding the towel for another strike. Sarcastically, I said, “Sometimes I go to the grocery store.”

  “Look out! Wild woman approaching.”

  “Shut up,” I replied, letting loose a few laughs. There was hardly any cloth left to wind on the towel, and it now resembled a really thick, twisted rope, so I moved in to grab it, grasping onto his hand in the process. He playfully tugged in every direction but I held on, bringing myself dangerously close as our bodies began to rub. I finally began to understand why people always said they had butterflies in their stomach, because at that moment, something was definitely happening inside me. A playful tickle of sorts was bouncing around in my abdomen like a crazy, messed-up game of ping-pong, and it was both uncomfortable and exciting at the same time.

  My other hand snatched on and I put more effort in my tug, determined to come up the winner, even though he was literally playing with me by not using his full strength. He lifted the towel above his head, and me in the process. I was on my tippy-toes when he suddenly let go, both hands immediately tickling my sides. I let out a quick scream before the laughing took hold of my chest. Twisting, I tried desperately to escape his attack, but he easily wrapped his arms around me, hands continuing the assault with ease. The strength behind my hands was nothing compared to his.

  “Please! Stop.” I blabbered pathetically between screams, laughs and desperate breaths for air. But truthfully, I didn’t want him to stop. Ever.

  I twisted within his grasp again, slamming my stomach into his for protection. He’d let me turn, but the moment I did, he snatched my hands and held them at the base of my spine. The towel lost to the floor, we had nothing but our fingers to fight over as we slowed our bodies to a gentle sway. His arms squeezed against me, limiting my movement as we angled our heads towards one another, wicked grins controlling our lips. Closer than I’d ever been, I found the cologne mixed with the natural scent of his skin intoxicating, and my eyes fluttered like they just had an orgasm. My gaze connected with his, and his playfulness began to soften, as did his grip on my hands.

  My heart chose that moment to pound in my chest. Maybe it had been doing it all along, but now in the calmness, it was making itself known. And the way we were so tightly pressed together, I thought I could feel the vibrating pound-pound-pound of his own heart reaching out to mine. My head tilted down as my hands pulled away from his, my fingertips lightly grazing his arms as they followed them around my body and up to his shoulders. As my hands flattened on his chest, they drifted down, tracing the curved muscles of his pecks and the six-pack abs I saw when he slept shirtless. When his hands flattened against my lower back and pressed my hips firmly into him, my eyes headed north once more.

  The moment our eyes reconnected, it was like a spark ignited, setting off an explosion of fireworks beneath my belly. My breath caught in my throat the second his head began to move towards mine.

  Tires squealed in front of the diner, causing my head to automatically whip. I saw a beat-up old white pick-up truck tearing its way up the road.

  Joe was no longer in the corner booth.

  As if that wasn’t enough to spoil the moment, a couple approached the door, also watching Joe tear out like a bat out of hell. As they entered the diner, they got a front row viewing through the pass-through of our bodies pressed together. Our hands fell away about the same time and I took a step back. The couple chose the booth in the middle of the restaurant, continuing to smile and gaze our way more than they should have.

  Guess that’ll add fuel to the rumors.

  Nick surprised me when he said, “I’ll get them. I met them earlier today and suggested they stop in. Why don’t you eat something or get started on the cleaning?”

  “Okay,” I replied softly. “Thanks.” I don’t know if he was looking at me, but I lost all nerve to look at him once I pulled away from what I was sure was going to be our first kiss. As he passed by, his fingers trailed lightly against my lower back until they fell out of reach.

  As he took care of the middle-aged couple, I dipped out of view, just realizing the burn on my right arm had lost its shield. I quickly tugged on my sleeve and patted my scoop neck tee to make sure it hadn’t been pulled down, too. What the hell was I thinking? I was so close to kissing him. Every pore in my body, every freakin’ cell was pushing for me to go just a little further, just a little further… I rubbed my eyebrows extensively. I could not get involved with him. It was bad enough I’d drawn the attention of the entire town, more and more of them falling prey to gossip. They were noticing me now. Nick was making people notice me.

  And that just couldn’t happen. Head down. Stay off the radar. My motto was going to shit right before my eyes.

  It wasn’t easy, but I managed to get through the night without letting Nick get close again. I had to brave eye contact, and force a smile when his gaze caught mine, but I was always quick to divert. Luckily, that middle-aged couple stayed a really long time, and I kept refilling their coffee for a solid hour after their dinner. They were extremely talkative, so it didn’t surprise me that they had engaged Nick in conversation so easily that morning at the coffee shop. I’d never had customers before that basically wanted you to just sit down with them and kick back, asking nonstop questions about the things you liked, books, music, Myrtle Creek. They shared way more than I did, but I hung around because it kept my chicken ass from having to go to the back and face Nick again. My efforts paid off, keeping us from being able to pick up where we left off. And the more time passed since our embrace, the more he realized I was pulling back on the reins.

  He didn’t ask why or try to sweep me into his arms again. Instead, he smiled and lightly teased me verbally about nonsense things, going along with my silent request of pretending like nothing happened. And when we turned in for bed, we simply said goodnight as I closed the dividers between us.

  I didn’t have the nightmare that night. For once I got some rest, but a small part of me, the weak part, wished I had, just so he could’ve come rushing in to hold me.

  No, no…just no. I kept repeating the mantra in my head: I will not kiss Nick. I will not kiss Nick.

  Though I really wanted to. Really, really wanted to know the feel of his lips and have his hands press against my back again, eliminating all space between us. My mind then upgraded that simple kiss to a few make-believe scenarios that were so graphic my body was in constant movement, slowly squirming in a wavelike motion. When a longing moan escaped with my breath, my eyes bolted wide.

  “Shit!” I threw the covers off and rolled out of bed. Hightailing it to the shower, I offered a quick good morning to Nick on the sofa, noting the wicked smile he gave in return. Oh, God. Please tell me that moan wasn’t loud enough for him to hear!

  The hot water worked wonders on my tight muscles, and by the time I dressed and came back out, I was so relaxed I no longer opposed the flirtatious smiles Nick continued to throw my way. But when he turned his back, my eyes began to narrow. This was the first morning since becoming roommates that he decided not to bother with a shirt, strutting around in nothing but a pair of loose-fitted cotton pants, luring my gaze to the sexy sculpture of his upper body.

  I cursed the butterflies flittering inside, and my damn eyes, which couldn’t seem to stop looking.

  God, I hated him. Well, not really, but I hated how efficient he was in making me want him. Ever since he activated those butterflies last night, I just couldn’t shut the damn things off. They were still flitting around, making me antsy and driving me crazy for not kissing him. And despite my best efforts to convince myself to not get involved, I felt my resolve dissipating. I wanted to rewind time so badly, and th
is time ignore the distractions and stay put in his arms for that kiss.

  I entered the kitchen, where he was already leaning over the counter drinking his coffee and reading the paper. Seriously, what time did he wake up every morning to get all that before I even woke up? I hung my head backwards, just realizing he absolutely was half naked for my benefit, because he would’ve had to put on a shirt to go out. Sucking my lower lip in and out of my mouth, I focused in on the black tribal sleeve tattoo that began halfway up his upper left arm and curled over the edge of his shoulder. I couldn’t see it at the moment, but I knew it covered part of his chest too. “Is that your only tattoo?” I asked. I knew it wasn’t. I had already seen something resembling jagged edges peeking out over the edge of his pants. I’d only asked because a sense of playfulness was overtaking me. And my eyes desired a special treat.

  “No. I also have a sunburst, but I doubt you’d want to see it.”

  Taking the bait, I inquired, “Oh, yeah? Why’s that?”

  He twisted his torso towards me and took the longest sip of coffee ever. Fighting the extension of his already curving lips, he replied smoothly, “Because it’s some place you’re too shy to look.”

  I crossed my arms and matched his magnetic smile with my own. “Funny how you’re more worried about my viewing it than you having to show it – if it’s in a private area.”

  His forehead creased when his brow bones lifted. “Is that your way of asking to look down my pants?”

  “Is that where it is?”

  “You know that’s where it is,” he accused coolly. “I saw you looking there already.”

  I had to look away, because my smile was embarrassingly wide, and surely my cheeks were flushing as brightly as a stop sign. “Guilty,” I admitted, “But I was curious if there were any more than that.”