Nobody's Perfect

by Steve Kirby

  “ALL that paint on the glass” Say’s Colin.

  “You mean these two specks?” Sam Say’s screwing his eyes up.

  “ It may be just two speck to you Sam but to me it’s shoddy workmanship, these people have no pride in their work their philosophy is “near enough is good enough” well not for me they will have to come back and put it right.”

  “Oh you do right Colin” says Sam a little tongue in cheek.

  “But that’s not the half of it Sam come here into the kitchen” Sam follows Colin into the kitchen a little smile on his face.

  “You see those tiles around the sink Sam?”

  “Er yes....” Sam say’s a bit bewilded.

  “What’s wrong with them?” Sam said not really knowing what he was supposed to be seeing.

  “They look fine to me”

  “Sam I’m surprised you can’t see it.”

  “What Colin I don’t know what IT is”

  “The spacing of the tiles Sam it all over the place the guy must have been blind who did this!”

  “I still don’t know what you mean Colin.”

  “Look let me show you.” Colin then gets a ruler from one of the drawers.

  “Look Sam the gap here is 3mm and over here it’s 5mm the spacing’s all over the place, well it’s not good enough for me so the builders are coming back on Monday to rip them all off and do it again properly this time I’m fed up with them I’ve complained every day this week about the shoddy workmanship in this house.”

  “But the rest of the house is fine though eh Colin?” Sam Knew he shouldn’t have asked and mentally kicked himself for being so stupid.

  “The house is terrible Sam and not just the house” Colin exclaimed

  “Look at that grass” Say’s Colin pointing out of the patio windows.

  “Don’t tell me it’s the wrong colour?”

  “What?” Colin asked a bit puzzled

  “Nothing “Sam say’s laughing.

  “Huh? Oh! Ok a joke.” Colin say’s looking slightly annoyed at him.

  “Well it’s another mess, it’s patchy, going brown in places and there are lumps and bumps everywhere.”

  Sam Looked out of the window the grass looked fine to him, yes it was a bit uneven in a couple of places

  but that would have settled down in a few weeks.

  “How longs the turf been down then Colin” Sam inquires.

  “They did it last Monday when they did yours, yours looks great but this, well it’s atrocious.”

  “Right Sam said” Not really knowing what to say.

  “Erm well they will be putting it right I assume?” He asks, inwardly smiling to himself already knowing the answer.

  “Too true they will first thing Friday morning and it will be done right this time, I’ve booked the day off to make sure.”

  “Right” Sam say’s smiling. “Well I hope my house isn’t this bad” Edging towards the door.

  “This is just the tip of the iceberg Sam there’s loads more things need putting right, come on let me take you round”

  “Love to Colin” Sam say’s apologetically.

  “But I need to get on you know moving in and that,” Colin stands in front of Sam looking all compassionate.

  “Well Sam if you want I can come round with you and checkout your house, you know make sure everything is to the required standard.”

  “No no Colin that won’t be necessary you’ve shown me the faults with yours and if mine are as obvious as yours are I won’t have any problems finding them, but thanks anyway” Sam said walking round Colin and heading out the door.

  Rachel and Rebecca were across at the park watching George and Sally playing on the roundabout.

  Sam turned to Colin.

  “What are the neighbours like?”

  “The one’s we have spoken to seem very nice, In fact next Saturday we have invited a few of them over to ours for a few drinks and a bit of supper, would you and Rachel like to come as well?”

  “A bit of supper? Col mate why don’t you have a barbecue and get some beers in I think they’ll like that better than “A bit of supper” are you sending out hand written invitations?”

  “Sam, I’ve told you we’ve left Ravenscliffe behind us I have a good reputation and respect here so I don’t want to spoil it by “Having a barbecue and some beers” thank you, any way I hate barbecues they are dirty smelly things, everything turns out black and burnt then you end up poorly, well no thanks I’ll leave that for the riff raff”

  “Like ME you mean.” Sam laughed.

  “I didn’t mean you Sam It’s just that I don’t like them.”

  “Well mate you’ll have to get used to them because when the sun’s out so is the barbecue and beer’s at my house.”Colin gave a little nervous cough.

  “Right where’s Rachel?” He said walking towards the park.

  “ Hey Becks, Colin and Rachel are having a get together with some of the neighbours on Saturday he wondered if we would like to go, there is “A bit of supper” laid on, what do you think? Can one of the lads babysit I’ll get him a few beers.”

  Rebecca turned to Rachel.

  “That would be lovely Shell... Sorry Rachel, we did meet one of the neighbours while we were looking around the Asian guy from number 18 think his name was Mr Khan he was really nice, will he be coming?” Rachel looked at Colin.

  “Er I er don’t think he could make it, is that right Colin?”

  “What love?”

  “Mr Khan Cant make Saturday can he?” She said giving Colin a sly wink Sam saw it and looked at Becky who gave a knowing nod.

  “Oh yes that’s right got other commitments Saturday. Pity though as you say he is a nice man.”

  “Well we would love to stand and chat all day” Sam said

  “But we have to get on and sort this lot out before the kids turn up, Isn’t that right Becks?”

  “Yes I’ll have to make their beds up and start cooking tea they’ll all be starving when they get here, anyway we have loads of time to catch up with all the gossip and reminisce about old times wont we?” Colin and Rachel looked at each other then back at Rebecca.

  “Er yes that would be nice.” Rachel say’s giving Colin a worried smile.

  When Sam and Rebecca had gone inside and closed the door Rachel turned to Colin.

  “I don’t know about this being a good thing them moving in next door, after all we have left Ravenscliffe far behind , people around here like and respect us I don’t want these two dragging up the past.”

  Once in the house Rebecca followed Sam through to the kitchen.

  “So Sam, How do you know Colin then?”

  Sam started unpacking the kitchen equipment from the boxes; he didn’t look up as he spoke.

  “As I said we worked together at Wormalds I left just before his first wife committed suicide. Right then let’s get these beds up and made.”

  “Whoa tiger, what do you mean suicide?” Rebecca asked blocking Sam’s path.

  “Took an overdose I think.”

  “Did you ever meet her?”

  “Yes a couple of times she seemed very nice very good looking as I remember didn’t strike me as the type to do that, the couple of times I met her she was always smiling and happy so what made her do such a thing is beyond me. The last time I saw her was when I took Colin home covered in wood shavings ha ha.”

  “Now that sounds funny, how did he manage that then?”

  “Well, there was this guy at Wormalds called Tony Savage who used to be a right bastard with Colin him and his two mates would bully him constantly you know getting him to do their work and run around after them, anyway one day Tony told Colin he wanted him to finish his work off because he was going to the pub at dinner time and didn’t want to come back to work after, anyway Colin said he couldn’t do it because he was laminating some worktops and he had to have them all done by morning they had to be despatched first thing. Well Tony was not pleased about him refusing.

/>   So apparently Tony took the glue gun off Colin and began spraying him, then his two mates Pete Conner and Jake Booth joined in and started throwing wood shavings over him, I past the three of them going to the canteen for a cig they were pissing themselves laughing and when I saw Colin I had all on not to laugh, he looked a right sight he was totally covered from head to foot in wood shavings he looked like a poodle, he threw his overalls in the bin and got some of it off in the toilet but he still looked a sight so I took him home to have a bath and get some clean clothes.”

  “That’s not nice.” Rebecca said laughing.

  “Funny but not nice, what did his wife say when he came home looking like that?”

  “He told her the pipe had come off the gun and covered him in glue and because it got in his eye’s he tripped over and fell into the wood shavings, I begged him to report them to personnel but he wouldn’t he said he would handle it in his own time”

  “Well you should have said something Sam I know your views on bullies.”

  “That’s not half of what those three used to do to him they would put his chisels on the grindstone and blunt them, pinch his tackle they even nailed his work boots to the floor, like I said they were a right set of bastards.

  Everybody was glad when Tony got the sack for stealing and the other two left shortly after.

  Then I went to work for Magnets in Bradford and today is the first time I’ve seen Colin since, Rachel seems nice, is she the one you told me about, you know the one who was raped?”

  “Yes that’s her but for Christ sake don’t say anything especially to Colin I don’t think he knows.”

  “I’m not that stupid, anyway let’s get on or the kids will be sleeping on the floor and eating grass but not Colin’s because it’s the wrong colour.”

  “What?” Rebecca asked looking puzzled.

  ” Oh nothing it’s just a joke. Come on let’s get on.”

  ***

  The party was in full swing when Sam and Rebecca arrived, they were met at the door by Colin who had such a false and pathetic smile on his face, Sam couldn’t resist it.

  “Hi Colin you constipated or something?”

  “Pardon Sam?”

  “You, are you constipated you’ve got a strange look on your face like your wanting the toilet.” Sam laughed.

  “Very funny Sam, I do hope you’re not going to be the life and soul of the party tonight I’m friends with these people.”

  “For God’s sake Colin keep your hair on I’m going to be the model party guest.” Sam gave Rebecca a sly wink. Rebecca put her finger to her lips.

  ”Shh you behave yourself Sam, and remember don’t say anything you shouldn’t.”

  Colin led the way through the house to the dining room, Opening the door he said in a loud voice.

  “Right ladies and Gentlemen, This is our new neighbour, Sam and Rebecca.” He said handing them both a glass of wine, There was a lot of mumbling and hello’s going on, there were about twelve people including Colin and Rachel all standing around the dining table which was in the middle of the room, Half a dozen tray’s containing pork pie cut into fours, sandwiches, chicken legs and other various party foods.

  “Ok we can start eating now we are all here.” Rachel said binging in a pickle tray from the kitchen. Sam looked at the couple next to him and smiled.

  ” Lucky we came or you would have been stood around all night with empty plates waiting for us. I’m Sam Hawksworth by the way and this beautiful creature next to me is my girlfriend, my wife couldn’t make it.”Sam said squeezing Rebecca’s bottom.

  “Pack it in Sam!” Rebecca said slapping his arm.

  ” Take no notice of him, I’m Rebecca, or Becky, please to meet you.” Rebecca held out her hand.

  “And this idiot is my husband Sam; take no notice of him he likes to think he’s funny.”

  ”Ha ha that’s fine we need something to liven up this party, I’m almost falling asleep. I’m John by the way John Boothroyd and this is my wife Diane, we live at number 8.”

  Sam and Becky mingled for a while then Sam went into the kitchen for him and Becky another glass of wine, Rachel was in the kitchen talking to a very slim good looking blond haired woman, when Rachel saw Sam she smiled turning from the sink and wiping her hands.

  “Hi Sam this is Charlotte Winsor, she lives at number six, you two get acquainted while I take these sausage rolls out.” Sam and Charlotte got chatting, she told him she is a widow her husband died in a car crash four years ago, they had a little boy by the name of Josh who’s five years old.

  “It must be terrible to lose someone you love.” Sam said sympathetically.

  “Yes it takes a long time to adjust to being alone, the pain never goes away it sort of deadens over time.” Sam could see tears starting to well up in her eyes, he went over and tore off a piece of kitchen roll and handed it to Charlotte to wipe her eyes, just then the door opens Rachel walks in followed by Rebecca.

  “Ah here you are, what have I told you about talking to people when I’m not there? I’m sorry if he’s been pestering you, I’m his carer sorry I mean his wife Becky.” She said offering her hand smiling.

  “Hi I’m Charlotte, No he’s not been pestering he’s been a gentleman.”

  “Well.” Rachel said looking at Sam.

  “You met everyone then?”

  “I’ve met everyone here but don’t ask me their names because I haven’t got a clue, I’ll pick it up as time goes on though.”

  As Sam and Rebecca came out of the kitchen they were accosted by the loudest couple there Lisa Talbot and her partner Craig Senior who lived at number 15, they had four children between them all less than eight years old so she needed a voice that would carry over the noise in their house.

  “Now then Rebecca, Colin tells us you’ve known Rachel for over twenty years.”

  “Closer to thirty if the truth be known Lisa.”

  “Then you’ll know all her deep dark secrets then wont you? Come on give us all the gossip.” Rachel overheard Lisa as she came out of the kitchen her face went ashen there was panic in her eyes she looked at Rebecca then at Colin.

  Rebecca turned to Rachel giving her a wink but her answer was directed at Lisa.

  ”Sorry Lisa my lips are sealed but the might be prised open with alcohol I’ll pop over to yours sometime for a glass of wine and tell you everything ha ha.”

  “I’ll keep you to that.”

  “Next Friday evening then I’ll get the wine in” Rachel looked in horror at Rebecca she turned and left the room quickly, Colin saw her and went after her.

  “Think you’ve touched a raw nerve there Rebecca.” Lisa said smiling.

  “This could be interesting can’t wait till Friday.”

  “You’ll only be disappointed our lives were very dull when we were kids.”

  “We’ll see.” Lisa said nodding knowingly.

  Colin found Rachel outside the front door.

  ”What’s the matter love?” Colin asked putting his arm around her shoulders.

  “It’s them.”She said nodding her head towards next door.

  “Who, Lisa and Craig?”

  “No Rebecca and Sam they could spoil everything for us.”

  “I know just what you mean they never know when to keep their mouths shut, Sam thinks everything is one big joke they will be saying all sorts of things to everyone we’ll be a laughing stock around here.” Rachel turned to Colin holding both his hands she looked into his eyes.

  ” We can’t allow them to spoil this for us we have waited and worked hard for it and they are not going to ruin it we have to stop them.”

  The door opened Sam and Rebecca came out.

  ”Ah here you are?” Sam said closing the door behind him.

  “ We’re off now have to get back for the kids but it been lovely the neighbours seem nice anyway thanks for inviting us, I’ve told them next Saturday we are having a barbecue will you two come?”

  “Er yes I think we will be
alright.” Colin say’s looking at Rachel.

  “That would be brilliant Col. I’ll tell Becky and she can sort out the details with Rachel. Oh, I will have to remember to get some Hal al chicken when we go shopping.” Colin looks a bit puzzled.

  “Hal al chicken what do you want that stuff for?” Sam gives Colin a strange look.