by Gina Henning
***
One test means nothing. I know a false positive is rare. But it’s the case with me. With much trepidation and hesitation I took a test. A pregnancy test. But the results are clearly wrong. Obviously wrong. They couldn’t be more wrong. And here I sit in the bathroom stall of Calstone Corp knowing how wrong the results are. And why of all places would I do this test here? Yuck. No, if I am to be a mother I should be taking the test with Jack. Not holed up in the office communal bathroom. I want to hurl at the thought of this.
And now what? What do I do? Do I take another? Do I tell Jack? What am I going to do if I’m wrong and these tests are right? I’m not prepared for this. I’m not ready…I swallow hard…to be a mother. Am I? Is there a little baby inside of me who wants to be born and I’m pretending that it doesn’t exist? How effed up is that? NO. I swallow hard. I will get through this day and figure out what’s going on with my body at the end.
I storm back to my office on a mission. I have to reach out to Sherry. I need to tell her that I’m not going to be able to do business with her. Not because Jack told me that I can’t…but because I know I can’t and won’t. I will not be associated with a criminal. Whether or not Jack presses charges, this is something I can’t be a part of.
The big moment…the big change in my career evaporates in my mind. I was a fool to think it would happen so smoothly. That’s not the way things work. Things don’t just fall in your lap. Definitely not large accounts like that. No, it was a set up to begin with and I cannot go forward with the plan. I click the call button and wait for the ringing to sound in my ear.
“Lauren, how are you?”
“I’m good, Sherry. Listen, I can’t handle any of your accounts.”
“Oh really?”
“Yes.” I can’t say I wish her the best of luck. Because I don’t. I don’t wish her any happiness. I don’t have major ill will towards her but I’m definitely not on the sidelines waving a Sherry Can Succeed flag.
“Hmm…all right. I suppose I might get people wrong here and there. I just thought I was right about you.”
I don’t respond to this statement. It’s a cue for me to be bothered.
“Yes, I thought Jack was interested in a smart business-savvy gal…I guess not. I guess Lewis was wrong about him.”
I swallow hard. “I wonder if Lewis would feel the same way about you.” I can’t help it. I know she is grieving but to tarnish Jack’s name and the thoughts of his deceased brother—I can’t stand back and say nothing.
“Oh bless your heart; you have no idea. Lewis was a wise man. After all he did marry me. But you’ll be lucky if you actually make it to the altar with Jack. Bye now.”
The sound of the dial tone is louder than seems possible. I take my headphones off and place them on my desk.
What a biatch. Argh. Why couldn’t she just stay gone? To pop up now and cause issues for me? Because of this, Javier will want to know why I didn’t land the account and I’ll go from being viewed as someone who makes things happen to someone who couldn’t close a deal. And not just any deal, a huge one.
A knock sounds from my door. “Come in.” I stand up.
“So, did you land it?” Javier’s teeth are shining white underneath the biggest grin I’ve ever seen to cross his face. He has probably been waiting all day to come and talk to me.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t.”
“What? What happened?” His eyes are squinting like he is trying to figure out a really difficult math equation. And this one isn’t that hard. I can’t make a client of a thief and especially not a thief who stole from my fiancé.
“Something wasn’t adding up with her accounts. There were a lot of transfers back and forth from the Caymans. I traced back as far as I could but something about it seemed off to me.” I glance at the ground. “I’m sorry, Javier, I didn’t want to miss out on a big account either but I have to go with my gut on this one.” I press my lips together. “She said she was going to try some other places and look for better rates.”
“Are you serious? You let the biggest account slip through your hands because of your gut? Lauren, you’re better than that. I can’t believe you let her get away!” Javier runs his hands through his hair. “Lauren, this isn’t good. I thought if you landed this account it would make up for your team’s numbers. Now you’re back at square one. Shoot, I don’t know if you’re even at square one.” He bites his knuckles. “I might have to take action here. This is not the manager material that I saw in you when I promoted you.” He leaves, closing the door behind him.
A minute later Bethany taps on my door and pops her head round. “Hey, Lauren. Are you okay? I couldn’t help but overhear…”
“Yes, I’ll be fine.”
“For what it’s worth, I think you did the right thing. I think if you can’t count on yourself then who can you count on?”
I nod. “Thanks, Bethany.” She goes back into the hallway and I slump back in my seat and try to focus on my queue and figure out how I can make a difference and not be on this failure list that Javier has just put me on.
I glance at the clock. I’m meeting Brianna for dinner and to try on another round of dresses. A lump forms in my throat. I have to tell her that I asked Megan to be my matron of honor and Brianna is going to be hurt. I’ll have to explain how hurt I was about the house hunt and then I’ll have to tell her about the test. No. I can’t tell her the last part. I have to tell Jack that first.
I text Brianna.
I need to reschedule the hunt.
Too busy landing major accounts to hang out with your bf? Whatevs…
I laugh at the ridiculousness of the whole situation.
If you only knew.
That good?!?!?!!?
Her message is followed by a ton of celebratory emoticons.
I send back only one emoticon that resembles the face I’m most likely displaying right now. Utter sadness and despair.
Can you talk?
Not now.
And with that I toss my phone back in my purse. I put my headphones back on and decide to grab some open calls from the queue. If I have to grab ten new clients to make up for the loss of Sherry’s business, then that is what I’ll have to do.
***
Whoosh. I let out a deep sigh. Not too shabby. I snagged two new clients that have healthy-sized accounts, not anything in comparison to Sherry, but it’s a step in the right direction. I lock up my computer and head out into the corridor. Elaine is swiftly moving in my direction. I want to pull a Trent and do an about-face. Except that would be in the opposite direction to leaving the building and I’ve got to get out of here.
“Lauren, finally. I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for what seems like forever.”
I raise my eyebrows at her. This is news to me. She’s only asked me to chat once. I don’t have any voicemails or other messages from her.
“Okay, well, here I am.”
“Yes, indeed. How about that new account? Did you land it?” She bats her eyelashes at me.
“I landed two new accounts today.” The sides of my mouth pull up in a full grin. This is technically true. I’m sure she is asking about Sherry’s account but I’m hoping we can all forget about it or at least hold off on discussing it until I’ve pulled in several new accounts to take off some of the sting from the loss.
“Oh my…aren’t you the overachiever.” She gives a long high-pitched cackle. I cringe. That was a horrible sound that I hope I never experience again.
“Hmm…something like that. Excuse me.” I push past her and hustle down the hallway.
My hand lands on my lower stomach as I wait for the elevator. Is there really another little person inside of me? And if so did they just cringe too over that awful laugh from Elaine? I know if I’m pregnant it’s probably too early for a movement but I’m sure that if there is a baby inside of me that they are also bothered by Elaine. I mean who wouldn’t be? Ha!
I hop into the elevator. As it moves me do
wn to the garage, I remember that though I had intended on telling Jack tonight and I canceled my dinner with Brianna, I never actually told him that. Shoot. I hope he hasn’t made other plans.
From inside my car I dial his number.
“Hello, gorgeous.”
I laugh. I wonder if he will think I’m gorgeous when I’m all fat and swollen?
“Hey, um I canceled my plans with Brianna. I need to talk to you.”
“Is something wrong?”
I take in a deep breath. How do I answer this question? I’m not sure if it’s something wrong as such. Would that be the best description to give this moment—or should it be described as a life event? Something is definitely different. Very different.
“Oh-kay. Do you want me to pick you up from work?” Jack’s voice is steady but I know he knows something is up. Obviously.
“No, I’ll meet you at home. I’m already driving.”
“All right, be safe.”
Safe. Yeah…I thought I was being safe. I thought we were being safe and using protection and all that great stuff and yet here I am with a positive pregnancy test wrapped up in paper towels in my purse. A bit gross perhaps, but I couldn’t just throw it away at work. I grabbed another test on my lunch so that I can take one again at home with Jack. Who knows, maybe this test will be right. Maybe it will prove that the first one was one of those wacky instances of a false positive. Stranger things have happened I’m sure.
Jack is waiting for me in the garage as the door pulls up. He must have rushed over from work and sped the entire way as there is no way he would have beat me here otherwise.
“Hey.” Jack opens the door for me and I step out.
“Hey.” I bite my lip. I’m not going to have this conversation in the garage. It needs to be in a nice environment and preferably with wine. My shoulders slump. I can’t have wine. Well at least not until this new test proves otherwise. I’m sure it will be a negative. One hundred percent. Yes.
We climb the stairs together in silence. The creaks of the stairs and the swish of my skirt sound louder than seems possible. Inside, I drop my purse and almost as if on cue, the paper towel that held my test rolls out and onto the floor. Are you kidding me? Jack eyes the test and then looks back to me. He kneels down and picks it up sans paper towel and glances up at me. The largest grin possible forms at the sides of his mouth and his cool blues sparkle like a million stars shining in a night sky of possibilities.
He stands up and reaches his arms around me. “Lauren, this is incredible news.” He squeezes me tight and then pulls back. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t too tight was it?”
I laugh. “No.”
“Are you okay? Do you need to sit down? Do you want some water?” He leads me over to the couch and I do sit down.
“I’m fine.”
He raises an eyebrow at me. “Fine?” The sides of his mouth lower from their flashy grinning state. “You’re not happy about this, are you?”
I swallow. “I’m in shock. And one test doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true either.”
Jack guffaws. “Lauren, false positives are as rare as a blue moon. I have to say I’m surprised too. I know I was hinting around about it but to see the actual proof.” He shakes his head and runs both of his massive hands through his hair. Those huge hands will be holding our baby soon someday…months away. I swallow.
“I bought another test. I’m going to take it.” I stand up and dig through my purse for the test that chose not to fall out. I make my way to the bathroom and close the door on Jack and his hopeful face.
It’s not that I don’t want to be a mother…it’s just not something I had planned on happening so early. I haven’t considered the idea of whether I would be a working mom or a stay-at-home mom. The responsibility of taking care of another human being frightens me to say the least. I stare at the little circle that determines my fate. A knock comes from the other side of the door.
“Can I watch with you?”
My shoulders slump. I’m really being ridiculous. This also affects Jack and his life and I’m trying to shut him out of the experience, including the results. I open the door and he pulls me into his arms.
“Lauren, I love you.” He breathes into my ear. I turn and face him.
“I love you. And I do want to have your baby; I’m just really overwhelmed and afraid. I’m not ready to be a parent.”
“I don’t know that anyone ever really is. But you will be a wonderful mother.” Jack tips my chin up so that our eyes meet, followed by our lips. I’m escaping into my place of comfort and security. All of my fears and insecurities seem to disappear when I’m surrounded by Jack’s love. His warm embrace, his scent of sandalwood and apples, the taste of his mouth, he evokes all of my senses and here I stand before him wondering if one line will change all of that? Will becoming parents change us?
Chapter Fourteen
Brianna hands me another dress through the stall. “I have to be honest, if today’s hunt didn’t happen I was going to have to kidnap you to make it happen. You know you don’t have much time left before the big day.”
I laugh. Brianna has no idea I might need a dress that hides a little baby bump. I’m not sure yet if I’ll be in my first or second trimester by that point. I wanted to wait to tell her until after my doctor’s appointment, which is scheduled in a few days. A few more moments of Brianna thinking that we are just the two of us hanging out together versus the three of us is not a big deal. Besides, I have to finally tell her that I asked Megan to be my matron of honor.
“I know…I wish I had found a dress already myself, but I want it to be the perfect one.” I slide into the dress she’s given me. It doesn’t look like much on the hanger and I swear it looks familiar. But who knows, I’ve tried on so many dresses in the past few weeks that I am in a daze of white gauze, brocade, chiffon, and lace. It’s like I’m in a sea of white and off-white and I can’t find my way to the dress that is destined to be mine. I’m sure I’ll know it when I see it on. It’s probably like love—you just know it when you’ve got it.
The dress clerk, who is not one for chitchat, buttons up my back and nods. Much like giving me a cue that her work is done and she is going to give me a moment alone with my dress.
I take a step back and gaze at myself in the mirror. This dress is truly gorgeous. I’m at a loss for words. This is it. I can see myself marrying Jack in this dress. I just need confirmation from Brianna and this dress will be in the bag. Ha!
The door pushes open and Brianna gasps.
“This is it, isn’t it? It has to be. Lauren, you look completely amazing and you don’t even have on your wedding makeup.” Brianna clasps her hands over her heart.
I let out half giggle. “I’m going to take that as a compliment, I guess.”
Brianna flits her eyelashes. “This is so beautiful! We have to go and celebrate. Here, let me take a picture.” She digs in her purse and begins snapping photos of me as if she is catching a celeb eating a donut while leaving the gym.
“Okay, I’m sure you’ve got enough. Can you help me out of it?” I motion for her to join me in the dressing room. She unfastens the dress and as I step out, she squirms.
“What?”
“I think you might have a visit from the crimson tide.” She points down at my leg. Which has a line of red trailing down. I gasp.
“Oh no.” I clutch my mouth.
“It’s no big, Lauren. I’ve got a spare tampon if you need it.” She hangs the dress up and digs through her purse.
“No, I don’t want a tampon.” I try to fight back the tears.
“Okay, well maybe one of the ladies here has a pad. I’ll go check.” Brianna opens the door. I crumple to the floor. She rushes back to me.
“Are you having bad cramps?”
“No. I don’t feel anything.” Tears trickle down my face.
“That’s a good thing then, right? No cramps, no pains?” She tosses her head from side to side.
“No, i
t’s not. Brianna…I’m, or I was, pregnant.”
“What?”
“Yeah.” The tears fall down my face and I begin sobbing. The attendant knocks on the door.
“Is everything all right?”
“Yes. Thank you.” Brianna stands up and opens the door. “She is going to take this one.” Always the planner, she is able to push past this moment and handle the issue of making sure I don’t miss out on the dress.
And now I’m going to miss out on being a mother. It wasn’t until this moment that I realized how much I wanted this baby. Jack’s baby. Tears of sadness fall from my eyes. I can’t imagine telling Jack. What if he thinks I caused this? What if I did? What if my lack of enthusiasm was showing for the baby? I shudder.
“Honey, I’m going to handle the dress situation and give you a moment, okay?”
I nod. “My wallet is in my purse.”
Brianna grabs for my purse and leaves me alone on the floor. I sit with my knees pulled into my body and let all the sadness and despair fall from my eyes.
I don’t know how long it’s been but there is a soft knock on the outside of the dressing room and Jack steps inside.
“Jack?”
“Brianna called me from your phone. Let me help you get dressed.” He places my shirt over my head and pulls me to my feet. I slide into my pants like a zombie. I let Jack guide my every movement and when we reach his car I lay my head back on the headrest and close my eyes. I wish this was all a bad dream. The bumps of the ride are proof that it is not.
The car stops and I wait for Jack to come to my side of the car. I don’t even open my eyes until I hear the click of the door. Jack reaches around my back and helps me out of the car.
“Why are we at the hospital?” I take in the large gray building. The emergency sign is bright red, just like the blood that was on my leg.
“Lauren, you have to see a doctor.”
“I’m bleeding; the baby is gone.” Tears begin flowing from my eyes. “I’m sorry I wasn’t as excited about it as you. I didn’t want to lose the baby. I wanted it too… I just didn’t think I was ready. We had no plan.”
“Sshh, come on…everything is going to be okay.” Jack breathes into my ear.