by Gina Henning
“No it’s not; the baby is gone. I lost it.” I don’t even want to say that but it’s true.
“Lauren, you have to see a doctor. Come on.”
I let him lead me into the hospital and sit down in one of the uncomfortable vinyl chairs while he checks me in. I don’t know anyone who is a fan of hospitals with the bright fluorescent lights and cold stark atmosphere but the emergency room seems to be the worst place possible. So many faces filled with anguish and sadness. Here I sit just like the rest of them. My heart is breaking and aching over the possibility of what could have been.
The nurse calls my name and I follow behind her with Jack at my side. They go over how far along I think I am and then put me on the bed and we wait as the ultrasound machine glides over my stomach. The gel is cold and the machine vibrates with noises. Of the insides of my body. The gurgles and churns. It’s all empty nonsense sounds that mean nothing. What I ate, what I drank sloshing around in my body. I’m not even listening to what the nurse is saying. I’m like a lifeless zombie on this hospital bed waiting for my moment to leave.
The rapid beat noise becomes louder and louder. It’s so pure and innocent like a very fast race is being run inside of me and I glance at the screen and see a little peanut shape. The flicker of the black and white screen is mimicking the sound that we can hear throughout the room. I glance at Jack; his eyes are filled with tears and a smile crosses his face. He squeezes my hand.
“The baby is okay.” He nods and wipes his eyes.
The doctor continues to speak and this time I’m listening.
“The baby is okay, but I have to warn you bleeding is not a good sign. You’ve got to take it easy. No exercise. No sex. If the bleeding continues then your doctor might suggest complete bedrest.”
“Bedrest? As in not leaving the bed?” I swallow hard.
“Well you can leave to go to the restroom; a catheter won’t be necessary.”
“I can’t be on bedrest though. I have a job.”
“Either I or your obstetrician can write you a work release.”
I don’t want a work release. I have too much to deal with at work. There is no way I can be on bedrest. Not with the way things are going. I shake my head. The doctor wipes off my stomach.
“I’m going to write you a prescription for progesterone and you will need to follow up with your doctor tomorrow. If you experience any more bleeding, you’ll need to come back right away.”
Jack stands up and shakes the doctor’s hand. “Thank you.”
As the doctor is leaving the room, I find my voice. “Can I travel?”
“Oh, definitely not.”
What about my wedding? Our wedding? We had planned for it to be in Texas so everyone could be together and now what? And what about my grandmother? My mom had already gushed about how great it was that we were having the wedding in Texas because my grandmother couldn’t travel with her bad hip.
Shiat. Now what? I pat my belly. My little baby is inside me and safe for now. The rest I’ll have to figure out. We will have to figure out. Jack and I together.
***
A couple of days later I’m back at the hospital for my scheduled appointment. I’m just sitting here with my legs in the cold metal stirrups while the doctor examines me. Seriously, this has got to be my least favorite invention. Who designed these straddles? And with the advancement of medicine couldn’t something better have come along? I glance up at the ceiling and laugh. It’s a photo of a squirrel dressed like Elvis. Of all things to have in an OB examination room.
“All right, all done.” The doctor gets up and tosses her gloves in the trash and washes her hands as I sit up. I’m careful to wrap myself up in the paper as if she hasn’t just seen all of my downtown parts. I still want to be covered in this moment.
“Lauren, the reason for the bleeding is that you have an incompetent cervix.”
“What?”
“Your cervix is slightly open. I’ll run a few tests to make sure none of the amniotic fluid has been released. As it stands right now, we will need to monitor you weekly and if you have any abnormal discharge I want you to call me right away.”
“Okay. Is the baby going to be all right?”
“Baby should be fine; there are things we can do to manage this situation so try not to worry.”
I nod and I wait for her to leave the room so that I can cry, yet again. I’m failing at being a mother before my baby is even born. I can’t believe this. Actually, I can—it kind of makes sense. It’s just one more thing that I’m failing at. My job. My wedding planning. I haven’t told Brianna about Megan yet. Or my mom that we can’t have the wedding in Texas because I can’t travel because I’m incompetent. I haven’t figured out the perfect cake with Jack and he really is bringing more to the table in the love department. I’m just one big failure. I let all the tears that can possibly fall from my eyes go and I stumble back into my clothes.
Back at the office, I somberly make my way to my desk. There is no way I couldn’t return to work. I still need to work on overtime to bring in more clients to make up for the big failure of not taking on Sherry’s account. I can’t tell Javier the reason why. It will seem like I made an excuse as to why I didn’t bring her on. And what if for some reason he tells me to forget about what she did and asks that I reach out to grab her account regardless of the theft? I can’t deal with that right now. Elaine turns the corner and a big flashy white-teethed grin glares back at me. She couldn’t seem more thrilled to see me. I raise an eyebrow.
“I was looking for you! You’re just in time.” She links my arm and practically drags me down the hallway. Before I can ask where we are going, I’m being ushered into the main conference room filled with practically our entire floor, including Trent standing next to Javier.
“Lauren, good. I’m glad you could make it.” Javier nods in my direction. I nod back at him. He’s got a bottle of champagne in one hand and several plastic flutes are spread out in front of him.
He holds up the champagne like it’s a trophy. “Trent, I have to say that I was a little hesitant about making you a team manager but this is one time that I was wrong not to fully embrace you as management material.” He pops the cork and everyone in the room claps and pats Trent on the back. I’m not entirely sure why we are celebrating Trent. He must have land— I slap my forehead a little too loudly and Elaine catches my eye.
“Lauren, don’t beat yourself up about it. Be happy that Trent was able to make up for your incompetence.” She offers me a glass of the champagne.
“No, thank you.” I wave my hand in front of the glass to signal I don’t want any.
“What, come on…be a team player…don’t be a spoilsport.” She practically shoves the drink in my hand. I take it and pass it to the person standing next to me. Bethany. Thank goodness. She takes it and I back away from the crowd. Everyone is busy chatting it up with Trent and I need to get out of this room. It’s too crowded. I’m going to be sick. I rush down the hallway to the ladies’ and barely make it into the stall. This nausea bit is getting old. I pat my stomach. “It’s okay, baby, I know it’s just my wacky hormones and nothing you are causing. I hope you are comfortable in there. I’m sorry that my cervix… What am I saying? You don’t know what a cervix is.” I laugh and swish my mouth out.
I head back to the privacy of my office without running into anyone. I hit the call queue. This is the perfect time to be on the hunt for some new clients. If I can grab a couple more new ones today, I won’t have this ever-present association of myself as a failure. I slump my shoulders.
I hit the call box and answer a call. All the while the client is telling me their issue, I scan an email from Megan, a “Status Update.” Shiat…I haven’t done any of things on her list and now the majority of them have to change. Since the wedding won’t be in Texas. I hope she won’t be mad.
I respond to the customer’s queries, while I search deeper into their accounts to see if there is a possibility for any type
of gain. I ask a few more questions, throw out some options, and then offer a big-interest money grab. The customer takes it and alerts me of some other accounts they might like to move as well. Now we’re getting somewhere. I give myself a high five.
The rest of my day is ups and downs… I made some current clients happy and grabbed one new one. I close out of my computer and head down the empty hall. Everyone must have left early after the Trent hoorah. Or maybe they took the party someplace else. I run into Bethany at the elevator.
“Hey, Lauren.”
“Hey, how are things going? Your numbers have really been great this week.”
“Thank you. I’ve been trying to acquire some new accounts too.”
“That’s fantastic.” We enter the elevator and as the doors close our conversation does too. When the doors open we wish each other a good evening and go to our cars.
My phone is buzzing from my purse. “Hello?” I say without even glancing at the caller ID.
“Were you at work today?”
“Hey, Megan, yes. Why?”
“You never responded to any of my emails.”
“I’m sorry. Things have been really busy.”
“Right, well things are really busy for me too…but I’m still making the time to help plan your wedding. However, I can’t do it on my own. And I didn’t think you wanted that anyways.”
“I don’t. Listen…I need to tell you something.”
“Don’t tell me the wedding’s off?”
I jerk my head back. “No, why would you think that?”
“Well, with the non-response on the emails and it just seemed like maybe you were avoiding talking to me because maybe things weren’t working out.”
I swallow. “Things aren’t working out. But Jack and I are fine. It’s just I can’t… We can’t have the wedding in Texas anymore.”
“What? Why? Grandmother can’t travel… You know that, right?”
“Yes and it kills me that we can’t have it in Texas.”
“So then what’s the problem?”
“I’m pregnant.”
“Oh my, wow. Okay, well congratulations. But why can’t you have the wedding in Texas? You can’t be that far along, can you?”
“The doctor won’t let me fly. I’m…incompetent… My cervix is incompetent.”
“Oh my, honey…I’m so sorry.”
I don’t know what to say to any of this so I let the silence speak for me.
“Okay, well let me regroup… Do you have any thoughts about where you want to have the wedding in Baltimore? Or I can search for places?”
“I don’t know…I’ll talk to Jack tonight and let you know tomorrow. Can you do me a favor though?”
“Anything.”
“Don’t tell anyone…I mean you can tell Brian since he’s your husband, but no one else, okay.”
“Of course. I love you, Lauren. It’s going to be okay.”
“I hope so.”
I pull into the driveway and for once I’m not sure if I want to see Jack at this moment. I just want to put on my comfy pants and crawl into bed. I’m exhausted. Physically, emotionally…and I feel like a failure. In every aspect. I’m sucking at my job. I’m sucking at being a mom even before it happens. My wedding planning has been less than. And the man I’m in love with seems too good to be true or at least too good for me. I feel like I’m doing him a disservice by being with him. He has gone above and beyond in every aspect of our relationship and what am I bringing to the table other than a bucket of tears and a handful of failures?
I climb the stairs and find the door unlocked. I drop off my purse and don’t try to hunt down Jack. I crash onto the bed with my clothes on face first. And immediately turn to the side. I hope I didn’t hurt the baby by lying on my stomach. I curl my body into the fetal position. I just want to sleep but I can’t even manage to close my eyes. I’m failing at escape sleeping. This is ridiculous.
I sit up. Jack is standing in the doorway.
“Hey.”
“Hey.” Tears fall from my eyes.
Jack rushes to the bed and pulls me into his arms. “Did you have more bleeding?”
“No, but the reason for the bleeding is because I’m incompetent.”
“What?”
“My cervix, Jack, it’s incompetent. That’s why I’m bleeding.”
Jack blinks. “Okay, but that doesn’t mean you’re incompetent.”
“It’s my body…which along with everything else about me is incompetent. My cervix, my job, my wedding, everything…and it’s all because of me. Why are you even with me?” I throw my body back on the bed. I probably shouldn’t have shared exactly how I feel with him. But I couldn’t possibly be in a lower moment today.
Jack pulls me into his lap. “Lauren, I’m with you because I love you. You mean everything to me. You are my world.”
“But, I’m letting us down…and our baby.”
“You are not letting anyone down. We will get through this together. No matter what happens and what we go through, we will be stronger for it. Times will get tough but that’s okay. That’s life and there is no one else in the world that I would love to get through the difficult moments with than you.” He kisses my head. “Do you know why that it is?”
“Why?”
“Because if we get through the difficult moments, it makes the happy ones even sweeter.”
“How are you so amazing?”
“I was just born this way and our lucky baby will have these same genes.” He points back at himself.
We both laugh.
I glance down. “I’m still incompetent.”
“Lauren, would you tell your grandmother she is incompetent?”
“Why would you say that? My grandmother is one of the most competent people you’ll be lucky to have cross your path. She’s the reason we’re together after all.” I sit up. I’m fuming.
Jack laughs. “I know but she has a broken hip. Does that make her incompetent?”
I roll my eyes. “No, it’s not the same thing.”
“How is not the same thing? Your grandmother has a weak hip; you have a weak cervix. Neither is something that either of you caused.” He runs his fingers through my hair.
“Fine, but what about everything else?”
“Your job will get sorted on its own. You did the right thing by not taking on Sherry as a client and you don’t know what lies ahead for you.” He reaches for my hand and holds it in his firm grip. “Just stay on the path you’re on and you will continue to succeed. You didn’t fail by not taking her on as a client. You made a business decision. And a good one at that.”
I want to believe all of this but I’m not sure—and what about our wedding?
“What are we going to do about our wedding? Where are we going to have it since I can’t travel?”
“Why don’t we have it at our new house? We can officially move in on our wedding night and there is plenty of room for everyone to stay as well.”
I smile through my tears. “How did I end up with someone so wonderful?”
“I often ask myself the same thing.” A smile crosses his face. “Seriously, Lauren, everything will work out. But there is one thing that we have got to get settled tonight.”
“What’s that? You remember what the doctor said, don’t you?” Though I wish that wasn’t one of the rules about the situation…I can’t put our baby at risk.
Jack growls into my ear. “I can think of other ways to enjoy you.” He kisses my neck and over my collarbone. “But tonight, we have to decide on the cake.” He lifts me off the bed. “Off to the kitchen you go…but take off your shoes first.”
I glance at my feet. “What’s wrong with these?”
“Nothing, I just want to see you barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen.” Jack guffaws and takes off towards the kitchen and I chase after him. This man drives me wild. I can’t remember the last time that I’d been sitting in a puddle of self-pity only to be scooped up out of it and dropped into
the most pleasurable moment. How did I get so lucky? And will my luck run out?
***
Jack must have been baking for hours. There are ten different cakes with two different frosting pairings each. He has laid out a dozen mini bowls of filling and my mouth is watering with the anticipation of the first bite. I have no idea where to begin.
“Wow, Jack…how long have you been setting this up?”
Jack grins. “In no time at all.”
I raise my eyebrow at him. “Right. So which is your favorite?”
“Isn’t it obvious?” Jack pulls me into his arms and kisses me softly at first—softer than he’s ever kissed me. Is he worried about being too passionate with me? Almost as if with our heads touching he’s crossed over into my mind, he picks up the pace, the passion dancing stronger inside our mouths. My heart is beating fast and this is the moment where we would usually abandon whatever we had planned and hit the sheets. But that’s off the table. I pull back. I better simmer this situation down. For the baby’s sake. I know I have hardly any self-control around Jack and the two of us together can get out of hand quite quickly.
I pick up a fork and stab at the chocolate cake with white frosting. I drizzle a bit of raspberry glaze over it and feed it to Jack. His eyes widen as he savors the pure bliss in his mouth. He wiggles his eyebrows at me.
“Best be careful with those flavor combinations… You don’t want to knock yourself out of being my current favorite flavor.” He picks up a fork and scoops a fluffy pink cake with a pale cream frosting and drizzles chocolate fudge topping onto it.
I open my mouth, ready for an amazing treat, and I am not disappointed; it’s like I’m eating a piece of heaven. We should probably write down these combinations.
“Should we be keeping track?” I dig into an orange cake with yellow frosting and sprinkle a strawberry topping on it before offering it to Jack. The sounds from his mouth make me wonder if that is not the perfect cake.
“Track of what? I’ve always got my eyes on you.” Jack pinches my side.
I squeal. “Seriously, of the cakes…so we know which one will make the perfect wedding cake.”