by Nicole Snow
“No. Try the one where you pretend you're a good girl, completely innocent. Like you haven't been flicking your clit to the dreams where I deflower you for years.”
Guilty. He knows it, and the shameful heat rushing to my face tells him that I know he knows.
“You on the pill?” he asks, teasing me when he rolls his swollen cock's tip between my lips.
I remember to nod. Barely.
“Good.” His eyes don't match his words. It's almost like he wishes I'd said unprotected, and I'm scared because it actually excites me.
I want him skin-on-skin. I want him deep. I want all of him. My body cries out for his at a base biological level.
“Fuck, Sunflower,” he growls, his blue eyes vanishing behind his lids for half a second. When they open again, piercing through me, they say play time is over.
So is time for talk. It's on.
Everything next happens so fast. His hips roll back in the blink of an eye, and he flicks his angry cock against me one more time, before it's plunged into my heat.
Blue lightning. White moan. Hot thunder.
Or is it the rumble in his throat as he sinks into me?
Knox thrusts slow and steady, taking the last parts of me my toys haven't reached. His size doesn't let my virgin body off so easy, though.
I'm still when he's in. Breathless. Counting my own heartbeat.
It takes all my focus not to cry out the first time he brings himself to the end of my womb. Then the thrusts begin, stern and powerful as the desert storm, leaving just as much chaos in its wake.
His cock pries me open each time he thrusts, snug around him, accommodating his thickness. It hurts, but it's the good kind, like running a marathon or swimming vigorous laps in a sports pool. I'll work for my reward.
“So. Fucking. Tight,” he grunts, working himself in deeper, pacing his strokes. He stops when he sees my eyes pinched shut, runs his fingers through my hair, noticing my first-time discomfort. “You okay? Taste me, Sunflower. Focus on the kiss. Look at me.”
Sweet words. Sweeter mouth. I twine my tongue with his, and before I fully realize it, I'm moaning.
Knox swallows my heat, pushing his hips firmer into mine. My legs fold tight around his muscular body, mirroring his movements. My legs trace his when he sinks into me, claiming what's his, marking it with deeper thrusts.
“Yeah, darling. Yeah, yeah, yeah.” That same word comes rhythmically, almost like he's keeping beat.
It's infectious. Pleasure wells deep in my head, dragging me down.
My body, my mind, my senses bow to his sweet fuckery.
I'm entranced. Enthralled. Overwhelmed.
I'm coming!
Knox snarls when my breath hitches. He quickens his thrusts, raking his stubble against my throat. I feel his teeth go in my shoulder, a firm but gentle love bite, just as I'm swept away by orgasmic bliss.
The feels are a stampede. Right, wrong, so many multifaceted shades of emotion tearing through my soul.
My pussy clenches on his cock. He holds it in me, his groans deepening, while new lightning crashes through the window.
I hold on tight, raking his back, writhing underneath him. When I'm able to breathe and think again, I open my eyes, feeling his forehead's pressure on mine.
“Turn the fuck over,” he whispers, helping me along when I'm too slow to comply.
Why don't you look at me? I want to see his eyes when he finishes, but Knox has other plans.
Once I'm on my hands and knees, he mounts me from behind, grabbing my ass. The question haunts me for a few more thrusts before my lust silences everything.
My second O comes faster. Harder, too.
It's freer than before, a quick moving fire reaching up from my legs to grab me by the throat. I throw my hips into him. Fucking with the fury building up inside me, the need to reconcile old longings and swift release.
Let go, Knox, I think to myself. Let me feel you come undone, just this once.
“Shit, Sunflower...” he whispers in the darkness, fingers pinching my ass tighter, riding the bucking mess I've become. Colliding, thrashing, one wave of flesh, we bring our bodies together like pistons, the same engine driven by desire. “Kendra!”
I smile when his cock begins to swell. My name is the last word on his lips.
It's the last conscious decision I'm able to make before lightning fills my eyes, and sweet release finds us.
Then there's just convulsions. Pleasure and his fiery heat.
Knox spills himself inside me, hurling his seed deep, his ragged breath matching each jerk of his cock.
Lightning flashes one more time as our ecstasy peaks.
Once, outside the window. Once, inside us.
I don't regain consciousness until I'm in his arms, watching the fading blue lights from the sky dancing across his face. “That was...totally worth the wait.” I hope it doesn't sound sappy, and if it does, maybe the kiss I plant on his lips takes the edge off.
“Yeah, Sunflower. Better catch your breath. Then we're marathoning the other nine hundred ninety-nine times we missed over the years, all the nights I should've put you to bed after pure fucking fire.”
I want to forgive him.
Somewhere, deep inside, I know the good man I grew up with never died. No pain, tragedy, or frustration could ever kill him.
The Knox I knew was always too strong for that – and tonight he's shown me everything I suspected all along is true.
Forgiveness, though...that's the final bridge left to cross. Easily the hardest. Is it too far?
I don't know. Not yet. My brain works overtime while I'm tangled up in his bed, and makes me re-live the day he tore my heart to pieces.
Four Years Ago
It's Danny's house again. I haven't been here for almost a year, not since the day Knox found out he was going to be a father.
It's insane what's happened since. Who knew how much it takes to actually be an adult?
I'm working myself to the wire between class and part-time jobs, always carving a little time for myself to let my mind play. Creativity flows best when I trade my laptop for an old fashioned sketchbook.
I also try to keep up with Jamers, who pays good bribes to write her term papers. I can't get her better than Cs in most subjects. She's on her own for finals, but at least she won't flunk everything this semester.
I need the money. College isn't cheap. Brainpower is. Especially when you're from a normal family, without my best friend's wealth and luxury.
And it's Jamie who's brought me to our friend's house for the newest late night bash among Scottsdale's young money. They're having a bonfire in the huge stone fire pit now flanking the pool. Fires dance on ornately arranged desert stone, drawing my eyes.
Beers flow freely. Girls I've seen on campus look shocked to see me in their world. Jamie sneaks off early in the evening with a big lacrosse player who has pinstripe tattoos going down his arms. Then a skinnier, richer, clean shaven boy a few hours later.
I'm left alone, nursing my margarita, smiling and saying a few words to the drunk passers-by who have a boring minute to make idle chat with the new girl. Danny, our illustrious host, and kind of a douchebag dude-bro, leans in and grabs me in a way that's more than friendly when he comes by, mumbling a few words about how happy he is to see Kayla here.
Later, I'm grabbing a wine cooler, the last drink of the night my lightweight makeup can handle when I see the only person I'm interested in talking to.
Knox looks like hell. I mean, he's just as handsome outwardly as ever when he turns around, and looks me in the eye. But there's a darkness that never was there before, a pallor in his face, which he tells Jamie is just a side effect of some exotic disease he got in Africa, which he'll be over soon.
I think he's lying. He looks like a ghost because somewhere over there, he lost his soul.
“Hey, Conrad. Fancy seeing you here,” I smile, using the nickname I've given him ever since he returned from that trip to Sierra Leone. If
there was ever a modern Heart of Darkness face, it's the mask he carries around everywhere, the one I keep hoping will one day crack, and reveal the man I'm missing more than ever.
“You're here late,” he says, taking a pull of his beer. “Frat parties too dull for you?”
My brow furrows. I can't tell if he's teasing me, or if he really thinks I'm becoming some kind of snob. “Um, no. Jamer's idea,” I insist. “Says she doesn't want to blow off the cobwebs if my social life gets more dusty than it already is.”
“Fuck Jamie,” he growls, lifting his beer to his lips. This time, he doesn't stop until the can clinks empty when he sets it down. “She doesn't understand. People need their peace and quiet sometimes. One fine day she'll get it, mark my words.”
I sit next to him, cautiously bumping arms. He gives me a look of pure hell.
This is a mistake, I think. Why can't you just leave him alone? Stop subjecting yourself to this torture.
It's been months since he cracked a joke or smiled on the rare occasions we've seen each other. He'll listen when I talk about my classes, sure, but usually for all of ten seconds before he has to run off to...wherever the hell Knox Carlisle goes these days.
I can't figure him out, what he's turning into. I know a walking contradiction if there ever was one.
Diamond seeking warrior.
Ferocious single dad.
My lingering toxic crush.
Yes, I know it's dangerous. Unhealthy. Wrong. I should find someone younger on campus, without his baggage, who actually treats me like he's happy to see me.
But I can't let him go without finding out why he frowns all the time when his adorable daughter isn't around. He gave me time and heart, my confidant for teenage disasters that seem sillier in retrospect with every passing week.
Even if it doesn't make sense, I want to repay him. Doesn't he deserve an ear, a shoulder, a soul willing to help?
“No Lizzie?” I ask, noticing how slow and reluctant he moves when he turns toward me.
“At grandma's tonight. Damn good timing for once, too. I love my peewee to death, but I need a break once in a blue moon. This is the first I've had since the last acquisitions trip.”
“Oh, yeah, Africa. How was it?”
I regret the question instantly when the bonfires reflecting in his eyes turn to ice. “Hell. The places we go, the things we do to keep our company's supply rolling...makes me want to fucking puke. There's got to be a better way. There's a lot of talk about the stuff they're doing in labs. Growing stones like magic, duplicating rare earth elements left and right. Just need patience. I'll have the money and the pull someday. And then, I swear to Christ, I'll shove my squeaky clean diamonds down that Victor's dirty throat until he chokes.”
I clear my throat uncomfortably, raising my bottle. Thank God for wine coolers.
“I'm sorry he's still giving you trouble,” I say, staring at the fires reflecting in the glass pressed between my palms. It's less insufferable than the hate, sorrow, and confusion tarnishing his beautiful eyes. “Is it Sam...forgive me. Sorry. I shouldn't have asked.”
Oh, God. He's glaring. “Knox, look, that came out wrong. I said I'm –“
“Sorry? Buzz off, Sunflower. What's happening with my missing baby mama is none of your goddamn business. Neither is anything else in my life.” He stands, shooting me another vicious glare, or what looks like one at first. “If you're smart – and I know you've got a brain the size of the Grand Canyon between those ears – you'll forget whatever special glowy spark you think we have.”
“Jesus, Knox. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm trying to help, like friends do. I had no clue you'd get this upset.” I'm scowling, all I can do to build a box around the radioactive hurt in my heart. “And yeah, I get it. You're not particularly friendly, or much else anymore. I don't know what happened to you over there, or what's going on with Sam, and true, maybe it's none of my business. I just wish I could help. That's all. Really.”
“There's no helping this shit, Kendra. None of it.” He turns away, but not before swiping his empty can off the brick bench, crumpling it in his hand. “Leave me alone. Maybe you're not hearing the message, still, even though I've tried to be crystal clear. Maybe that's the problem...”
I don't know what he means. There isn't a chance to ask.
Before I can even blot my own tears, he's gone, leaving me to the fading reverie and laughter next to the fireside pool party. I've never been so miserable staring at so many happy people.
It's roughly half an hour later when I realize my purse is missing. I notice it when my phone gets down to the last few percent left on its battery, and I really need the charger.
Of course, it's about time when I want to check in with Jamie, and see if she's up for leaving early. She probably isn't. That means I'll need another ride home. I don't know or trust any of the thoroughly boozed up acquaintances here enough to ask.
I'm walking the perimeter around the pool, passing the kerosene lanterns, half of them gone dark for the night. Trying to remember the places I could've put my bag.
I'm frantic. I still can't find it anywhere.
Stop and think. Where was the last place you saw it? You sat by the door, had a few drinks, chatted with these idiots. Then you grabbed a wine cooler and made your way over to –
Knox.
He must have taken it, or knocked it over in his angry stupor when he crunched that stupid beer can. I lift my phone to my face, ignoring the low battery life warning. I fire him a text, saying I need to go, and I can't find my purse anywhere – has he seen it?
I'm not seriously expecting an answer. But my phone pings a second later, docking another battery percent. I see the cryptic message on my screen.
Knox: Up in Danny's guest room on the third floor. End of the hall. Busy. Come get it.
So, he has it, and he knows. I wait five more seconds for an apology that never comes, then stuff my phone in my pocket, clenching my teeth as I race inside.
Danny has a total mess on his hands to clean up tomorrow, assuming he doesn't leave it for the cleaning service his parents hire out. I make my way through the big house, careful not to trip on beer cans or the kids passed out in the hallways, stinking like weed and used latex.
I wish I came from money. Almost as badly as I wish I didn't have to see Knox again tonight.
That's the thing about wishes, though. Sometimes you wish for ponies and get piranhas.
It takes another minute to get to the guest room. There are only four up here in this McMansion, and all of their doors are closed. I walk to the door at the end of the hall, just like he said.
My fist raps lightly at the door. “Knox?”
The first thing I hear is laughter. A woman's voice. Playfully annoyed.
I'm flushed, thinking I've got the wrong room, but then I hear his booming voice. “It's open. Get in here, little girl.”
I'm holding my breath when I jiggle the knob, pushing inside. He's there, all right, and he's not alone.
Knox sits on the bed, his trousers around his ankles, reclining on the mattress with his hands propping him up. Not one, but two women look up from kissing his thighs, their hands tucked neatly around his...
Jesus. It's obscured by their faces when they turn toward me, but I catch a heartbreaking flash to leave no doubt what they were doing.
He looks me coldly in the eye. “It's on the desk, darling. Thought I'd keep it safe up here and see if you want to join the fun.”
The two drunken bimbos at his feet giggle. “Really? Her?”
“Talk about robbing the cradle!” the other one says.
A bitter rock catches in my throat. My knees move, breaking the numbness. I'm able to take the seven steps to little desk, rip my purse off it by the strap, and start pacing toward the door.
The two women are laughing again. His killing blue eyes never leave me.
Finally, before I slam the door, I crack. “You're a fucking pig, you know!”
If he ev
er responds, I'm not there to hear it. The door crashes shut under its own weight. I'm running, stumbling to the driveway, where I wait to fetch a cab home.
It's a clear night, cooler now with summer's heat gone. There's no one around except the winking stars to see me cry.
In theory, they're the same stars I shared with Knox what seems like a lifetime ago, when we poured our hearts across Camelback. But they've changed. It's undeniable.
They're fainter, darker, and a thousand times more distant.
“Asshole. I hate you,” I whisper.
And for the next four years, I do.
I stop chasing Knox, rarely so much as greeting him when he comes around Jamie's place, the only time we're ever in the same room together. His numb, lifeless looks don't bother me anymore.
I'm the one who shrugs him off when he acknowledges my presence with a derisive snort or a snide word. I'm the one who looks his way with a single question in my eyes.
I can't give him anything more until I finally have an answer.
Why?
Why did you have to be so fucking cruel?
10
Under the Desert Moon (Knox)
I wake up alone the next morning, my dick unfathomably hard. Must have emptied myself in her at least four times last night, and I'm still popping morning wood.
I grab my robe and head downstairs, making quick peace with my absence at Black Rhino. It's been years since I had any time off I truly enjoyed. Once I've swung my axe at Victor and ended this, I know I'll be back better than ever.
I peek in Lizzie's room on the way down. My little angel is still asleep. It's early, and she's got another hour or two before it's time to wake up.
When I step into the kitchen, I'm greeted by beauty itself. Kendra in her robe could make the sunrise itself jealous while it tip-toes across the valley. I walk toward her while she sips her steaming tea, wrap my arms around her waist, and think hard about dropping that burgundy cotton hiding her body.