by Nicole Snow
“Morning, Sunflower.” She tenses, managing a troubled smile as I lift her face to mine. My turn to frown. “What's wrong?”
“Nothing. It isn't important...or it shouldn't be.”
“Tell me.” I sink down next to her, clasping her hand. She's wearing my diamond.
Damn if they don't look right when the light glances over their edge. I'm holding her hand, almost in the position I should've been in if I'd ever asked her to marry me proper.
She's holding it in. It's a few more seconds, squeezing her hand tighter, before she'll look at me. “That night at Danny's party years ago...”
Fuck. I knew she'd want the truth sooner or later.
A man can't just have the best lay of his life, and then hide it. If there's anything I've learned about the past in recent years, it's that it doesn't stay buried forever.
“I didn't want to do it. You left me no choice.” It's point-blank honest, almost too direct when it comes. Is that my hand shaking? I close my fist, pressing it into my thigh, hiding how hyper-aware I am that this little chat could blow my world to kingdom come when I'd just started fixing it.
“That's your defense? Sorry, I don't remember anyone holding a gun to your head, telling you to treat me like crap.”
“I did, Kendra. I was holding the gun,” I growl. Grabbing her wrist, I pull her hand to my chest, curl it softly, and wish I never had a reason to let go.
She has to believe me. I have to make her understand the pure hell boiling my brain in those days, plunging my heart into a tar pit I thought I'd never save it from.
“You're not making sense” she says, ripping her hand away, turning her face. Her eyes refuse to look at me when the next part comes. “Maybe if you showed some regret, if you hadn't subjected me to seeing you with those disgusting bitches, I'd understand. What you're saying now, Knox – you're not sorry at all.”
Christ. She really doesn't get it.
“Look at me, darling.” I put my hands underneath her shoulders and lift. Need her to face me for this, look me fully in the eye, even though she twists like hell in my grip. It takes the better part of a minute to calm her, digging my gentlest tension into her skin until she relaxes. “Need you to hear this, without any confusion – nothing happened that night.”
“Oh my God. I'm not stupid, Knox. I know what I saw!”
“You saw what I wanted you to, Sunflower. My optics. An illusion.” My eyes drill hers, searching her pain, her skepticism, her disgust. I want to lance every fucking part of what's welling up in her and drain it from her soul.
“No!” Her little hands bang against my chest. She's too tired, confused. Too unsure of everything to hit me like I wish she would. “I saw you with your pants around your ankles. You were in their hands, up in their faces, the same part of you I made a terrible mistake with last night and –“
“Quiet,” I whisper softly, running my hand over her face, tilting her up by the chin. I'm not joking when I say I need those eyes. “Nothing happened that night, Sunflower. Honest to God. Swear on my little girl's life. Here're my sins: I wanted you gone, wanted you to move on, wanted you to forget and live without being trapped in my fucked up shadow. I acted like an asshole to squash your little crush. I took your purse at that party and paid two drunken, squirrelly bitches for a tease. That's as far as it went, I swear.”
Her eyes open like it takes enormous effort. “Oh, please. Look, if you're sorry, just say it. I don't need another lie to get over what –“
“Figured you wouldn't buy it. Hold on.” I reach for the phone on the counter, and tap the button that dials Jamie's number.
“Knox, what the hell?” Kendra crosses her arms, eyeing me suspiciously.
“Yeah, sis, I've got a question for you. Remember that night I took you home from Danny's party four years ago? You were hung over, and worried about being too drunk to remember where you kept your pills. I took you by the drug store like a good brother for Plan B.” I pause, getting a jumbled earful. My little sis can't believe I'm asking her about ancient history on the fly. “No, this isn't a damn game. Just answer me, sis. Answer this: do you remember the two chicks Danny had on his arm for awhile when he started that stupid band? Sugar-n-Spice or whatever the fuck they called themselves? Remember how pissed they were later that night?”
I pause again. Kendra's waist goes slack in my arms, frustration undoing her, fixing the same I'm going to kill you glare on my face. “Yeah, you remember. Now, say that again over speaker.”
I tap another button on the phone. Jamie's voice explodes into the room through the receiver, louder than my rich neighbors tearing up the mountainside on their ATVs. “Huh? Knox, I'm not sure what you're doing, or why the hell this even matters.”
“Just say what you said to me, Jamie. Please.” I tap my fingers on the counter, patience wearing thin with my sister's nosy questions.
“Okay, fine.” Jamie sighs. “They were psycho. Practically ran you down the driveway with those golf clubs they jacked from Danny's father in the garage. Put a dent in your new jeep, I remember. You were pretty pissed that weekend, had me and mom over to help barbecue while you buffed it out. Seriously, what did you do to kick the hornet's nest?”
“You remember, Jamie.” I hope she does. “Remember what they said? What they were screaming before we pulled away, before Danny came out and told them he'd personally throw them off his property if they didn't shut up?”
“Yeah. They said they didn't want your money. Left a mess of twenties all over the driveway to prove it, throwing it at us as we pulled away. They said you made them kiss before you decided their lips weren't good enough for a beej, and – oh! – they never do that for any man who decides to jerk them around.” She pauses. “Ew. I forgot how gross they were. Did you really make them kiss?”
Kendra's green eyes still don't look too approving, but the hurt is gone. She knows I'm telling her the truth. “Thanks, Jamie. That'll do for now.”
“Hey, idiot, what's really going on? You can't just call me up like that and –“
Click. I did, and I'm done. Hanging up, I set the phone down, turning to the only woman in this room whose opinion counts.
“I did some stupid, hurtful shit. No denying it. And I'm sorry for every bit of it – even the part where I made those drunken sluts kiss. Hope you'll find it in you to forgive me, Sunflower. I screwed up, and now I'm owning up.”
Please. Inside, I'm begging. Can't bear to watch our second spark flame out when it's barely been ignited. She needs more. “I was screwed up after Sam, after Africa, after Victor,” I say. “Asshole put me in handcuffs the first time, had me interrogated like I killed her, instead of the obvious fucking bum she skipped off to LA with. You were only eighteen. Too young. Too light. Too un-fucked for everything ahead if you'd hitched up with me then.”
Truth be told, everything I'm still worried will poison her if I let her get too close. But now I'm ready to face the risk.
That ring on her finger, glittering in front of me, is far too real to be a mirage of wrong.
“Knox?” She whispers my name, coming closer, gently twining her arms around me. I've never had her hold me this tight.
“Yeah, Sunflower?”
“Shut the hell up and give me a kiss.”
I do, smiling into it when I see the glow, the forgiveness in her eyes. Giving in and listening to every word she says has never tasted so good.
“You know we'll have to break the news to our families sooner or later, right?” Kendra leans in, head on my shoulder, watching Lizzie run around in the distance.
My little girl plays in a fountain under a huge canopy high overhead, the only kind of summer fun right for a day when it's hot as the sun's surface. I turn, twining my fingers with hers, loving how that warm gold band on her finger feels rubbing against mine. “We will. Ma doesn't know, so she'll be easy. Overjoyed, probably. Jamie...”
“Leave Jamers to me,” she says, smiling up at me. “She's my best friend. I know it'll b
e a little shock at first. She might not be happy we hid this for so long, but she'll get over it. I want her front and center when we tie the knot.”
Holy shit. My heartbeat picks up, drumming in my ribs, as soon as she says the last few words.
Marriage. I'm really going to do this. It's like watching the earth flip over right side up after so many years knocked on its ass. I never thought I'd see a light at the end of the tracks, but there it is, hot and bright and beautiful as the fireball hanging over Phoenix.
“Yeah, let's do your end first. That'll be easy. Your ma already thinks I'm such a 'nice young man,'” I remind her how it went down the day I came to propose, never imagining I'd ever really mean it.
“Oh, you'll have to try a bit harder than that. She loves the little girl, and thinks you're a good daddy, but they know about the crap that happened over the years. Jamie squawked too much the times she'd come by, and they follow the papers like frogs chase flies. She'll be a cakewalk compared to dad, though...he's very traditional. He'll want a date, a place, and a pastor before we discuss anything.”
Shit. My future in-laws should be the least of my worries with everything else happening. But an angsty little voice in the back of my head wants to impress them. Convince her folks I'm not the dumpster fire who never got over his baby mama's disappearance and a lot of battle fatigue. I'm not so broken I won't give what's left in my soul to make their beautiful daughter the happiest woman alive.
“Let's not get ahead of ourselves. We can't talk dates until Wright gives up the chase. I'm not making plans, opening the gates for him to hurt us both if he isn't ready to shut up, and quit. We've got to cover our butts. So far, that freak you worked for isn't pressing any charges, but the story hit the local papers. Victor might've seen it. He'd love to have his lawyers reach out to Gannon, and see if he'll help strike gold.”
“Information,” she says, her smile fading. I hate having to see her consider the consequences. “He won't find anything. Gannon never named his assailant. I read the blogs, too.”
“He's been a good boy and kept his lips shut. For now.” My blood runs hot, imagining how I'll insert his moony face into his own sphincter, and make sure it never comes unstuck, if he ever breathes a word. “That may change anytime. I want something on record, Sunflower. Let's set up a meeting with my lawyer.”
“Lawyer?”
I let her reluctantly sit up, snatching at my phone. “Call it insurance. Whatever it takes for cover in a court of law. The receptionist saw everything that happened at the party, if we can get her to talk to –“
“Lydia?” She wrinkles her nose. “Yeah, good luck with that. She'll put up with a lot from her employer, as long as he lets her slide without having to lift a finger. There isn't a moral bone in that girl's body. She won't flip and help us unless push comes to shove, and she knows Gannon won't keep signing her checks.”
“Whatever.” I have the backup plan in my head before my man at the firm picks up. It involves a lot of money, the universal language that makes every greedy mouth on this planet open up and sing the song I write. “Yeah, Charlie? I need to see you downtown, stat. It's about my future wife...”
It's a long day between the lawyer's office in Phoenix, shopping with Lizzie for new clothes, and running by an art store to pick up supplies. I've told Kendra she's getting a proper office in my house, the guestroom upstairs. It's a spacious room with Solarium windows, ferns, and its own private balcony overlooking the desert. Pristine view of the mountains and downtown Phoenix beyond.
Perfect for a creative. It's cute how she still doubts herself sometimes, always flushes a little when I talk about introducing her to household names Black Rhino has used for its wedding line over decades.
I want her to figure it out fast. Want her to start seeing herself, and the world, through my eyes.
Sunflower's star is too bright not to set the world on fire. I'll make her realize her own power. The elusive truth is, she was always too good to need a maggot like Eric Gannon.
Later, we wind down the day, watching a movie with Lizzie. I order pizza from our favorite place in Scottsdale, loaded with authentic Italian spice and lots of garlic. Just because I was born rich doesn't mean I turn my nose up at good, simple food.
My little girl is drifting off when it happens. Her face comes untucked from the blanket wrapped around her and Kendra. Lizzie looks at me, talking so clear and vivid at first I can't tell she's half-asleep.
“Mommy?” she whispers, rolling over in Sunflower's arms before we can do a double take. “Stay this time. Okay?”
Kendra freezes. Looks at me wide-eyed, fearful, like she doesn't know what to do.
“Go ahead and tell her, darling,” I whisper, reaching over, running the tips of my fingers through peewee's hair. It's dark mahogany like mine, a match for the same blue depth and soul in her eyes, which flutter shut in her little face while she relaxes again.
“Of course, peanut,” Kendra says, the corners of her eyes going moist. She leans forward, stamps a tiny kiss on my daughter's forehead, giving a smile that lights up the darkness in my private theater room. “I'll be here. Always.”
I know what this is, and I'm not even scared. One of those rare moments sauntering through a man's bones, invading him with warmth and light. A confirmation smoke signal from the universe, like God himself reaching down, thwacking me across the forehead, and rumbling in my ear.
Here it is, dummy.
Everything you thought you'd never see. Remember that whole mysterious ways thing? Yeah.
You're welcome. Now, don't lose it. Cherish it with your life.
I reach over, clasping my woman's hand. She's worth the fight, and I know it, marveling at how fast my suffering makes sense when I open my eyes, looking over the two angels who've drifted into my life.
There's a weight on my chest through all the happiness, so fucking heavy it hurts.
It's up to me from here. All of it.
I will keep them safe. I will make them happy. I will marry this girl, and build my family piece by piece, strong as the diamonds set in that glorified promise ring on her hand.
It isn't real until I hear I do, and I've never wanted two words in my ear worse than this second.
“It's past her bedtime,” I whisper, breaking the magic to help my woman up. She pushes my daughter into my arms, and we head upstairs together.
I give her sleepy little lips a few sips of water before we tuck her in. We only have to stand there quietly for a minute or two, at peace in our silence, watching my little lady drift off shortly after her head hits the pillow.
“Finally a good day,” Kendra says, as soon as we're in the hall, Lizzie's door shut gently behind me.
“It's not over,” I say, tasting the kiss that's been taunting me for hours. I've half a mind to swoop her up and carry her back downstairs, maybe use that theater room to play something more adult than live action fairy tales for Lizzie's sake. “We've missed so much, you and I. If she weren't there the whole time, you'd better believe I would've made up for the times we missed locking lips in front of a movie.”
“Plenty of time left,” she says, standing on her tip-toes, gazing into my eyes. I feel her hand graze my cheek, slipping through my five o'clock shadow, and sweet fuck, I'm a goner. “Easy, darling. The night is young. Before I get you out of that dress like I've been wanting all evening, there's something I want to show you first. Walk with me.”
She follows me downstairs, questions in her eyes. Believe me, I wish I had answers, but all I can offer her is the same puzzle that's driven me insane on the nights when I was a much less happy man.
Kendra steps into my office, and I motion her into the seat across from my desk. Then I retrieve us a wine bottle from the cellar next door, pour it, and crack open the very last drawer in my desk. The box is always heavy. I think it's psychological. There's no earthly reason papers should ever feel this dense.
“This is everything,” I say, ripping open the worn tab I
've opened and sealed thousands of times. “Every scrap of information I have about why Sam disappeared. Most of it completely worthless.”
“Holy crap,” she whispers, pulling out the files gingerly, using the same care she'd give to a Medieval artifact. “You're telling me there's nothing in this, Knox? It looks like...wow, there must be five hundred pages!”
“Phone book sized minutia and dead ends. Hundreds and hundreds of pages to nowhere.” I shut my yap, taking a pull off my wine glass, watching as she pages numbly through the secrets I've dumped in her lap. “She took off with the bum feeding her habit not long after Lizzie was born. By the time I got my discharge and came home from the war, she was gone for several months, disappeared without a trace in LA. Victor went over her dealer, Jake, with a fine-toothed fucking comb. Or he gave a good show of it. Then he decided to turn his full attention to me, the guy who took months out of his life looking for that careless bitch. Don't think she spent so much as a week in the hospital giving my little girl any attention before she freaked, had to get home to old habits, chase the high that took the edge off real life.”
She looks up, lips askew, reaching for her wine with trembling fingers. “God. I can't imagine.”
“Try. I want you to. Before, I thought I'd spend my life repeatedly burning our bridge to keep you away.” I run my hands across the desk, taking hers, squeezing her fingers tight. This next part is very important.
“It all changed when you started wearing this,” I run my finger against the ring, tempted when she blushes. Dangerously aware of the rising desire in my blood to shove these torture pages to the floor, and take her right here, spilling every pent up drop of my frustration deep in her supple cunt.
“Look, I don't want you sharing my crazy, but you need to understand it. Everything in this box is what's haunted me for years. Seeking closure, and never, ever finding it. If there's a piece that ties it all together, a smoking gun, I've never so much as smelled the damn gunpowder. All I have are loose ends, and the clock ticking down to the day when Lizzie figures out the piece of shit who birthed her is a ghost. It will happen, even if we're her family for years. I hope to God we will be. But she'll ask questions when she's good and ready. I need answers. I can't hide the truth from my daughter.”