Like One of the Family

by Nesta Tuomey

  ‘You are in a mood,’ Sheena said at last. ‘Claire is at a lecture and won’t be home until late.’

  ‘Didn’t you hear what I said?’ she demanded, a moment later. ‘Claire’s not here.’

  ‘Okay, so you’ve told me,’ Terry went to turn on the television.

  Sheena stared after him. ‘Have you two quarrelled?’ she asked curiously.

  Terry said nothing, just sat frowning and grimly flicking through the channels.

  ‘Honestly, Terry. I sometimes wonder about you,’ Sheena exploded. ‘Claire could get anyone and here she is hanging about every night waiting for you, and when you do show you don’t even want to know where she is.’

  ‘So she’s eager to see you,’ an unpleasant inner voice said. ‘Going to get a hell of a shock then, isn’t she?’

  He was standing in his mother’s surgery looking out the window, long before he saw her turning in the gate. Then he went out to the hall with a grim expression and waited for her.

  The key turned in the lock and Claire hurried in, her face glowing. ‘Terry! Terry!’ she cried. ‘I saw the car. Oh if only I’d known! To think I’ve wasted the whole evening at a stupid old lecture.’

  She dropped her books on the floor and ran to him laughing, but he held her off. She faltered and hung back.

  ‘Let’s go upstairs where we can be private.’ In silence, Terry led the way up to his room. But although the questions which had been troubling him since his return still remained to be answered he found that as soon as he was alone with Claire and the door closed behind them, he could only stare dumbly at her, not knowing where to begin.

  ‘What is it, Terry?’ Claire whispered, frightened by his silence.

  ‘The older man,’ Terry said, without preamble. ‘Who was he?’

  Claire trembled. During the week she had gone over their last conversation many times in her head and only wished she had been braver and more honest with him, yet she still attempted to stave off the moment.

  ‘You said you wouldn’t ask his name,’ she said forlornly.

  ‘I need to be sure.’

  He knew. Somehow he knew. Her heart felt like a piece of heavy lead. ‘How can you be so cruel as to ask,’ she cried pitifully, ‘when you already know the answer.’

  ‘So it’s true.’ Terry gripped her arms and shook her. ‘You and my father...Oh but it’s sick, really sick. A man more than three times your age.’ Terry looked pretty sick himself.

  ‘I... I was only thirteen,’ Claire gabbled. ‘I didn’t know what I was doing,’

  ‘Go on,’ he grimly prompted.

  ‘In the beginning I was drawn to him,’ Claire admitted with painful honesty. ‘I couldn’t seem to help myself. It was a kind of hero worship. I hung about hoping he’d notice me and when he did it quickly became physical. Later when I tried to get free of him he always came after me.’ She swallowed with difficulty and continued bleakly, ‘Maybe if I’d been older I might have had some defence against him but I was lonely and he was nice to me.’

  Terry seemed to be gathering himself for some great effort. ‘Are you saying you did with him what we do together?’ He spoke slowly and painfully, ‘Not just let him kiss and fondle you... but the whole shebang?’

  Claire nodded miserably. He had moved as far away from her as was possible in the small bed.

  ‘How could you, Claire?’’ Terry said in a dazed voice. Disgust and horror blended in equal proportions. Claire began to tremble. How could she have thought he would ever accept it in the same light as his confession about Grainne.

  ‘How long?’ he asked harshly. ‘How long did it go on for?’

  ‘Almost a year,’ Claire whispered.

  ‘How did it end?’ His voice shook. She could almost feel sorry for him if she did not already feel so desperately sorry for herself.

  ‘I became ill...’ her voice tailed away. This was something that she had not allowed enter into her mind until now.

  ‘You didn’t have a baby... you couldn’t have. You were never away in those years except you came away with us.’

  So he knew about that too. ‘I was... I had...’ She couldn’t say the word but she saw from his face that he was appalled.

  ‘Oh God!’ Terry buried his face in his arm and groaned aloud. When he raised his head and looked at her she saw despair there and something else she was convinced was contempt. She put out a hand and touched his face gently, moved close to take him in her arms.

  ‘Try and forget,’ Claire pleaded. ‘What’s past is done with. Make love to me. I’ve missed you so.’

  Terry allowed her to hold him and even kissed her a few times, but when he tried to make love to her, he couldn’t. ‘It’s no good.’ He turned miserably away from her. ‘I can’t do it.’ He removed the condom nd flung it from him in disgust.

  ‘Do it without the condom,’ she begged. She felt desperate to have him love her with his body, racked by a terrible dread that otherwise he would never do so again. She couldn’t explain to him how she felt or her certainty that she would never get pregnant. That the things done to her had left her sterile.

  ‘No,’ he said shortly. Not since that first unguarded night had he done it unprotected. ‘It’s too dangerous.’ He looked down at her moodily. ‘Anyway that’s not it... My own father,’ he said, unable to let it alone. ‘For God’s sake, Claire, why didn’t you tell me yourself instead of letting me hear it the way I did.’

  ‘You told me you didn’t need to know his name,’ she reminded him brokenly. Only one person could have told him. She was shocked to think that all along Jane had known about herself and Eddie. Oh but how could she have betrayed me? Claire thought in anguish, remembering all the older woman’s protestations of affection.

  ‘I thought it was some guy in his twenties,’ Terry said sullenly, ‘some crud that didn’t matter... that I needn’t...’

  Claire pulled herself away from his side, shaken the shock of sudden revelation.

  ‘You’re jealous of him. Jealous of your own father,’ she cried. ‘You don’t love me at all. You are just using all this as an excuse not to make love to me... to make me feel guilty.’ Her voice broke on a sob. ‘Oh...I never want to see you again.’ She had turned and run from the room before he realised her intention. He heard the muffled sound of her bare feet thudding on the carpet and the sharp click of her bedroom door closing after her.

  Terry lifted his hand and rubbed it slowly across his eyes. It was true. He was jealous of his father, jealous as hell. Jealous of a corpse, he thought bitterly. He sat down on the edge of the bed and dressed himself with careful concentration, shoved a change of underwear and socks into his kitbag, and went downstairs and let himself quietly out of the house.

  When the headlamps of the Rover swept the front wall of the house, he thought he glimpsed a pale blur at the upper window. Then he was scorching down the road in the direction of Baldonnel.

  Claire turned from the window with a stricken look. He was gone. He hadn’t even waited until morning to try and make things right with her. She climbed blindly into bed beside Ruthie and her eyes brimmed and overflowed in hot sorrow. It was the first time that she and Terry had slept apart since they had become lovers and she felt as bereft as any widow after a lifetime of sharing.

  She got out of the bed again and, shaking with suppressed grief, crept along the landing to Terry’s room. She gently closed over the door and slipped between the still warm sheets. With the scent of him all about her, her control finally broke and she let her sorrow take her and carry her. She lay half-buried beneath his pillow and sobbed with such terrible abandon.

  ELEVEN

  Jane came home the following weekend. Terry met her at the airport and drove her to the house where the others were waiting. Claire stayed long enough to greet her and then slipped quietly back to her own house. She did not speak to Terry more than to nod hello, and though he stared at her as she turned away, he did not come after her.

  Claire felt battered
and dejected, her spirit bruised beyond healing. Now beyond tears, she felt as though every drop of moisture had been squeezed out of her. How could Jane have done what she did? She felt she could never trust another human being again. If Jane had set out to do it she could not have more effectively blighted her hopes of happiness. In all the years of her association with the McArdles, Claire had never blamed them for any of the misfortunes that befell her. Now for the first time she felt sorrowing resentment.

  Claire kept herself busy. She had more than enough work to get through for her June exams. She was aiming for a first-class honour in English, but because of the extra reading her migraine had returned. She was eventually forced to cross the street and ask Jane to renew her prescription. In her present state begging favours from Terry’s mother was the last thing she wished.

  ‘Of course, Claire. Nothing simpler,’ Jane smiled at her earnest request. ‘But where have you been hiding all these weeks. I really wanted to thank you for staying here while I was away. You’ll never know how much it meant to me.’

  ‘I was glad to,’ Claire said woodenly. ‘You were always good to me.’ Until you betrayed me. Oh how could you, how could you? Jane had been closer to her than her own mother.

  ‘Are you all right?’ Jane’s concerned voice reached Claire through the fog of misery surrounding her.

  Claire nodded, unable to speak.

  ‘Oh you poor thing. Let me get you something.’ She gently drew Claire towards her surgery. Claire wanted to throw off the encircling arm and at the same time, cling to the comfort it offered. All the misery she had felt on the night that she and Terry had broken up, returned to swamp her and she had difficulty keeping back the treacherous sobs gathering in her chest.

  ‘You are in a bad way, aren’t you?’ Jane said gently, and sat down with relief behind her desk to write the prescription. ‘This bandage I’m wearing makes me walk like a robot,’ she joked. Claire tried to smile but failed miserably. She wished she hadn’t come.

  ‘I suppose now is as good a time as any to talk about our plans for the summer,’ Jane said, when she had handed Claire the slip of paper. ‘I can’t get away to Spain until August but when I explained my dilemma to my cousin Anne she kindly agreed to go with you all. So there’s really no reason why I shouldn’t book the tickets now and then you and the others can head off the minute the exams end.’

  Claire stared blindly at her hands, not knowing what to say.

  As the silence lengthened Jane added, ‘That is, of course, if you still want to share our summer holidays, Claire... but we consider you one of our family and really want ...’

  ‘I wonder you can say that after what happened,’ Claire cried in a strangled voice.

  Jane looked startled. ‘My dear, what do you mean?’

  Now the tears could no longer be held back. ‘You know what you did. ‘Claire...sit down.’ Jane came round the desk and gently pushed her on to a chair. ‘Perhaps we had better clear the air. There was no way of avoiding a confrontation now.

  ‘Terry hates me after what you told him.’

  Jane was too honest to prevaricate. ‘Oh, my dear. I never meant to betray you,’ she cried in distress. ‘But when Terry said you’d told him everything I assumed ...’

  ‘You didn’t set out to tell him?’ Claire asked uncertainly.

  ‘Of course not!’ Jane was vehement. ‘Why would I try and discredit you, love? You know I’ve always cared for you like one of my own.’

  It was true.

  ‘You believe me, don’t you?’

  Claire blinked away tears, convinced by her evident distress. Jane had shown her more kindness and understanding that anyone else, even her own parents. She nodded.

  ‘Well, thank goodness for that,’ Jane said in relief. She looked at Claire gravely. ‘I’ve never talked about what happened before, not because of any bad feeling towards you, merely because I believed it was best to try and put it behind us.’’

  Claire silently assessed her words. It was true that by her continued friendship Jane had clearly demonstrated the lack of any ill-will towards her.

  ‘You must remember it came as a great shock to Terry,’ Jane was saying. ‘He obviously cares very deeply for you. In the beginning I was inclined to think it was just a teenage thing but I see now that it goes far deeper. For you both. Try and give him time to adjust, my dear. It may sound like a cliché but time does sort most things out.’ Jane looked suddenly tired. She came closer to Claire and put her arms gently about her. ‘It will all work out for the best, believe me.’

  No, it won’t, Claire thought. How could it? She shuddered when she remembered the horror and revulsion in his eyes. He would never come back to her.

  ‘Claire... Claire,’ Jane called her attention back from the dark pit she was wandering and gazed at her in concern. ‘You mustn’t allow yourself to brood. Right now the most important thing is to put it out of your mind and finish your exams.’ She hugged her gently. ‘I’m so glad we’re friends again. I care far too much ever to allow anything to come between us.’

  Claire felt like crying again. For weeks she had been existing in a cold, loveless vacuum. Now by some miracle she had been drawn back into the warmth and magic of the McArdle’s circle. She pressed Jane’s arm shyly. It was a moment before she said with a little catch in her voice, ‘You don’t know how much it means to hear you say all this. I thought... I believed...’

  ‘Enough confessions for one day,’ Jane said briskly, but kindly

  Claire smiled tremulously. She went home, feeling reassured that the misunderstanding between them had been cleared. While the loss of Terry’s love and respect was devastating, there was consolation in knowing none of it had been deliberate on Jane’s part. Claire blamed it upon the nemesis which had shadowed her from early childhood and from which she believed there was no real escape.

  Jane was relieved too that the misunderstanding was cleared up. In Spain she had resolved to have a chat with Claire just as soon as she returned home, but she had been caught up in her work straight away. Even now was spending long hours at the clinic, trying to make up for her weeks of absence.

  Jane had been genuine when she’d said that she did not harbour any bad feelings towards Claire, not since the first irrational madness had passed in the troubled weeks after the tragedy. Now she was only sorry for the distress she had caused the girl. She would really try and make it up to her.

  Jane was surprised at how exhausted she felt since returning to work, even though her physical injuries were nearly healed. Somehow she did not seem to have much energy to tope with anything but the most straightforward of cases. Even routine examinations and the necessary follow-ups to clinical tests seemed to take her an inordinate amount of time and effort. Now there was an extra problem to sort out.

  Soon Sheena and Ruthie would be going away to Spain for the summer and there were still all the arrangements to be made. Jane at last stirred herself to ring the travel agent and book their tickets. Once it was done she felt better. Next thing she would start shopping for their clothes. There was so much they needed. But before she could even begin she received a letter from her cousin saying that she was really sorry, she knew just how much Jane was depending on her but she could not, after all, accompany the girls to Spain.

  Jane bit her lip in dismay and read on with sinking heart. In her thin upright script Anne explained that she had been admitted to hospital for tests and it now appeared that she would have to undergo a hysterectomy at once. What a time she had to go and pick, was Jane’s first unfeeling thought. Poor Anne, she thought contritely, but there was no denying it left her in a spot. She couldn’t go herself and she couldn’t let the girls go on their own either, so what on earth was she to do?

  It was the Murray family as usual who came to her rescue. When Liz heard how Jane had been let down, she offered to ask her mother’s advice. ‘Mammy might know someone,’ adding with a laugh, ‘I wouldn’t mind volunteering for the job myself if you
didn’t need me here. What I’d do for a few weeks in the sun!’ she laughed.

  Jane grinned in sympathy. Actually, she thought, there were very few people she would be happy to let chaperone her young family and they away in another country. . But when Liz returned after her lunch break happily she was the bearer of good news.

  ‘Mammy says if you’re stuck she could go with the girls herself. She’ll be dropping in later to see you and when does it suit?’

  ‘Tell her I’ll be here all evening.’ Thank God for Teresa. Jane would never forget how supportive her former receptionist had been when Eddie and Hugh died. She would be just right to go with the girls, and what was so important, Ruthie liked her.

  When Teresa arrived it was clear from her manner that she was delighted at the prospect of a few weeks in the sun. ‘Not often I get away, I don’t mind telling you,’ she admitted cheerfully. Jane could well believe it. Teresa’s own brood numbered eight, the youngest of which was not yet twelve years old. In addition she had a steadily increasing number of grandchildren whose young parents made constant demands upon ‘Granny’s’ time and energy.

  ‘The only thing is, I’ve promised to mind the kids for Babs when she goes in to have her baby. If she was to come before time... Ah forget it!’ Teresa dismissed the possibility with a wave of her plump hand. ‘That’ll be the day. The other three had to be coaxed out into the world and do yeh think they’ve changed,’ she snorted in derision, ‘If they were any more laid back they’d be horizontal, just like their mother. That one is never on time for anything.’

  Jane smiled in sympathy.

  ‘If she’s right with her dates Babs isn’t due till the middle of August, so we’re away in a hack.’

  ‘By then I’ll be able to get away myself,’ Jane assured her.

  ‘So it’s all settled then.’

  Next day Jane rang the travel agent and changed the fourth ticket to Teresa’s name. At the same time she took out travel insurance for all of them, Claire included. She did not imagine that Annette would think to make provision for her daughter.