Jest Right

by Piers Anthony

  And they were.

  And during the flash, the two servant girls transformed into white and black horses. Now the illustrious couple could ride into the sunset in style and live happily ever after.

  “Hey!” someone called. “I’ve seen that man before! He’s a prince!”

  “And I’ve seen that woman before,” a woman said. “She’s a statue!”

  Uh-oh. Dolph had slipped mentally and transformed back to his regular human form, or a younger version thereof. And many people had seen Astrid when she and Demoness Fornax had been honored for saving the children, not to mention future Xanth, and a statue in their likeness probably still graced the castle. They had inadvertently blown it.

  There was an angry squawk. Ragna had caught on.

  “Hold!” Magnus said. “We are now at the denouement. Keep your places, all. We have serious business with Ragna Roc.”

  But Jess doubted that even he, with his vaunted aplomb, could salvage this situation. They were doomed.

  “The bleep you do!” Em said wrathfully. “I knew there was something wrong about you, the way you barged in here uninvited with your arrogant humor and uncouth hand. Now you’ll get deleted.”

  Magnus walked to stand almost touching Ragna’s beak. “Very well, Roc. Delete me.”

  The big bird focused.

  Nothing happened.

  “Well?” Magnus demanded insolently. “Are you going to do it, bird brain, or not?”

  There was an angry squawk.

  “What?” Em asked, shocked. “You can’t delete him?”

  Jess breathed a silent sigh of relief. It was working! She had for the moment forgotten their trump card.

  “Please allow me to explain, plush bottom,” Magnus said to her. “I am intimately involved in Ragna Roc’s past, via a devious linking of the associations of time travel. I am from his earlier life. He can’t delete me without changing his past, which he can’t, because of what we call the paradox effect. I am proof against his power.”

  “Delete the others!” Em snapped to the big bird. Ragna might be the boss, but she was the effective executive, guiding him as Magnus guided the play.

  Ragna tried, orienting on one of them, then another and another. Again, nothing happened, repeatedly. They were all proof against his power.

  But Em Pathy was made of stern stuff. “You forget that there are other means of dealing with a problem,” she said. “Men, kill them. Kill them all!”

  Several minions stood up, drawing their swords.

  “Hold!” Magnus said, as before. “We are proof against that, too. Do not try to attack us.”

  “Do it!” Em screamed. She was not one to be bluffed again.

  Four of the men charged.

  Dolph converted instantly to fire dragon form, but before he could blow a blast, Astrid whipped off her dark glasses and looked at them. The four men dropped dead. Then she replaced her glasses, but stood ready to bare her deadly eyes again. Jess cringed inwardly. Astrid was such a nice woman, but this was the other side of her. Em Pathy was not the most dangerous woman present; Astrid was.

  “I tried to warn you,” Magnus said in the ensuing silence. “Before you stand Prince Dolph the form changer, and Astrid Basilisk, whose very glance is lethal.” He faced Em. “Give another hostile order, wench, and he will toast you or she will look at you, depending on their whims.” Actually Astrid had to meet a person’s gaze to kill him or her, but that was a detail others seldom recognized in time.

  Em was suddenly silent. Everyone saw the dragon and had seen the men drop. No bluffing here. It was the finesse.

  Magnus turned to Ragna. “Make another hostile squawk, and she will look at you. If he doesn’t toast you first.”

  The dragon and the basilisk faced the big bird. The silence continued.

  Then Em spoke. “What do you want, showman? I’ll wager it is not my bottom.”

  “We are here to negotiate a truce,” Magnus said. “Ragna Roc will undelete a number of people at our direction, and give up all claims to ruling Xanth. In return he will be exiled to a habitable far planet that will then be isolated from the chain of worlds, so that he will be unable to return here. He will have dominion over that planet, and you with him, Em, and any minions who wish to join the two of you. We will be at peace, without further contact.”

  “The bleep we will!” Em swore.

  “What say you, Ragna?” Magnus asked. “Your alternative, to put it bluntly, is death. We are not playing widdly tinks here. Do we need to demonstrate more of our power?” He glanced at Em. “For you too, gal, now that the humor is over.”

  The big bird considered. He was at heart a realist. He squawked.

  Em Pathy looked crushed. “He agrees,” she said brokenly. Jess was almost sorry for her. She had come so close to being Queen of Xanth.

  Jess knew it wasn’t over yet, because they would have to hammer out the specific details and guard against treachery. But the corner had been turned.

  Once the decision had been made, the big bird cooperated, and Em got efficiently on it, working out the details with Magnus, Nia, and Jess. It was like a new play, with the pieces falling into place. Parties were sent out to contact the colonies of the deleted, the groups including both Roc minions and members of the show’s cast so that it was clear that this was real. They were persuasive. The deletes started arriving at Castle Roogna, where they formed lines before Ragna’s nest for undeletion. It was all very orderly.

  But Dolph kept his eyes on Em and Ragna, and Astrid stood beside him, ready to act. They had a deal, but were verifying its performance stage by stage. They would not relax until it was done.

  First the royals were undeleted. The two princesses, in their human hosts, ran to hug their restored mothers, Melody and Rhythm. The third of the trio, Harmony, remained absent; she was on the World of Three Moons and would receive the glad word of her demotion soon. Her absence was a safety feature, just in case things went wrong.

  “We may decide to leave my daughter Harmony as Queen,” King Ivy said. “She is competent, and it is past time to be rid of this foolishness of the ruler, male or female, being called the king.”

  “Yes, mother,” Melody and Rhythm said almost together.

  “And there will be honors for you girls, Aria and Kadence,” Ivy continued. “You have truly saved Xanth.”

  “We’re just glad to have you back, grandma,” Aria said, and Kadence agreed.

  “And the rest of you,” Ivy said, glancing at Magnus, Jess, and the others who were in sight at the moment. “We do appreciate your effort.”

  “Thank you,” Jess said. Her knees felt weak as she slowly relaxed.

  “This is not facetious,” Ivy said with a small royal frown.

  Kadence reached with Ula’s hand to take Jess’s hand. “Thank you,” Jess repeated.

  “Oh, of course. For a moment I fear I mistook your meaning.”

  “Nobody takes her seriously,” Kadence said. “It’s her curse.”

  “We’ll have to put on another show,” Aria said. “So Grandma can see Atrocia.”

  One undeletion was special for Dell. This was Anna Sthesia, a lean warrior woman he quickly hugged and kissed. “Oh, Anna, I’m so glad we were able to restore you at last!” he exclaimed. Then, quickly: “Not to marry. This is my wife, Nia.”

  Anna’s eyes widened. “More like her granddaughter, I think.”

  “She was youthened forty years. It’s a story in itself. But you are free to make your own life now. We owed you, for not making a deal with Ragna Roc. We knew you were tempted.”

  “I was,” Anna agreed. “But it would not have been honorable.”

  Then Dell introduced Anna to the others. “Anna Sthesia, whose talent is making folk sleep. She’s a warrior lass who might have made a deal with Ragna to get undeleted, years ago, and passed it up
out of conscience. That saved us, before.”

  That explained a lot. Anna was surely a good woman.

  “Thank you,” Anna said. “I would have married you, Dell, for the favor of restoration, but the truth is I have found another interest during my deletion. I will pursue that now. He is about to be undeleted, too.” She walked away.

  Nia smiled. “I always did like her.”

  Then at last it was done. Santo focused and made a temporary tunnel directly to Planet Stench, as he had before.

  Then Magnus talked to Em. “This tunnel leads to Planet Stench. It smells foul, but folk get used to that. It is in other respects a decent planet, settled with humans and assorted creatures and interesting plants. The tunnel will remain for one hour, which is plenty of time for you, Ragna, and the few minions who remain loyal to you to cross. Do not remain in the tunnel once you are across, because it will dissipate and anyone in it will perish in deep space. We will never see each other again. Any questions?”

  “One,” she said. “May I embrace you?”

  Magnus was taken aback. “My humor, crude as it was, was intended to arouse your ire and disrupt your efficiency. I was trying to insult you. I have no interest in you personally.”

  “So you did not find my posterior interesting?”

  “Actually, I did, and you are quite a woman apart from the physical aspect. But that was beside the point.”

  “You have won my grudging respect,” she said evenly. “We are on opposite sides, but you played your hand well, in more than one sense, and I respect that. At my age of forty-five I appreciate even a facetious male compliment about my body. One hug is all I ask. I promise not to mess with your emotions.”

  Magnus glanced uncertainly at Jess. “Do it,” she said, understanding that the woman was being gracious in defeat. Also, that even she was somewhat smitten with Magnus. “It’s little enough.”

  Magnus opened his arms to Em Pathy. She stepped into them, drew him close, kissed him, then smartly spanked his behind. “You have a fine firm bottom with just the right amount of quiver,” she told him as she pinched it. “Too bad we’ll never get to put our two bottoms together.” Then she disengaged and stepped into the tunnel, leading the way for Ragna to hop into it, too.

  Jess almost called to her to stop, that she could stay in Xanth if she agreed to serve the new order. But she knew the woman’s loyalty was with the Roc, and Jess really did not have the authority to make such an exception. This was, after all, in Xanth’s future.

  Magnus shook his head, bemused, as they disappeared. “She does have a fine bottom,” he said. “Almost as good as yours, Jess.”

  Atrocia answered him. “Well, thank you for that, you ass.”

  Then they all laughed. Oh, it was good to relax at last.

  The organization of things was now in the capable hands of King Ivy, but they couldn’t go yet because the king made it clear that she expected Magnus to put on a show for the returned undeletes, so that they could appreciate the device that had enabled their restoration. They would put on the show, stay the night, and return on the morrow to their proper place in time.

  “You were magnificent,” Jess told Magnus as they settled into their room for the afternoon. “You came across with such confidence and proficiency, not to mention insolence. No wonder Ragna and Em backed off.”

  “It is my talent,” he said. “But if I may make a private confession?”

  “Of course.”

  He collapsed onto the bed. “I hope I never have to do it again.” Then he broke into sobs.

  So his supreme confidence had been part of the act. That impressed her even more. She joined him on the bed and put her arms around him. “Please understand,” she murmured. “I’m not trying to tease you or mock you. I am trying to comfort you.”

  “I understand,” he said into her bosom.

  She held him, realizing that in other rooms Noe was holding Santo similarly as he recovered from making the tunnel, and Nia was with Dell. They all had serious unwinding to do. But what about Dolph and Astrid? The basilisk had killed four men, and that had to take a toll on her, because she was not a killer at heart. Dolph would have done it if she had not, and he was not a killer type, either. They had stood guard throughout, backing off the deadly bird with assumed confidence. The fact that they truly had the power did not mean that they had truly wanted to use it.

  What a show they all had put on!

  Chapter 16

  Seriously

  The return trip was relatively routine. They bid parting to their new friends at Castle Roogna and agreed to stay well away from each other during the intervening nine years, and not to speak about it outside their own group. They did not want to trigger any possible interference to their successful mission. It was best that they become anonymous in this respect.

  Back from the future, they dropped Prince Dolph off near his gulf course, then watched him fly toward home, where Electra would be glad to have him back. The mystery of his role in saving Xanth had at last been clarified, even if he would not be advertising it. As for his supposed dalliance with Astrid Basilisk—well, that wouldn’t even happen for another nine years; the two agreed that they would tell their spouses but no one else. Jess couldn’t help wondering how they might have comforted each other, after the awful tension of facing down Ragna Roc, but that was not her business. They dropped Astrid off at her home; she had now had a significant hand in saving future Xanth twice. The siblings gave her a tearful farewell and returned to the boat.

  Princess Kadence reported that she had traveled back to see her prior self, at the time of Ragna Roc’s first attack on Xanth. “She did need some guidance, here and there,” she said. “I nudged her in the right directions without revealing my presence.” She smiled. “Now I remember those slight nudges; I had thought I was making up my own mind at the time. So there was no paradox; it was part of the event. Thank you for making me promise, Jess. Who knows what might have happened otherwise.”

  “Who knows,” Jess agreed. They just might have lost the protection of paradox and been delete-able.

  Princess Aria reported that things were settling in, in the future, and that, impressed with her interim performance, they really were allowing Princess Harmony to become Queen Harmony. King Ivy was retiring both the office and the title.

  “And,” she said with a smile, “They have made a statue in honor of you, Jess, because they know you were the true catalyst in the mission to save Future Xanth. But nobody takes it seriously.”

  They all laughed except Magnus, who frowned, and Myst, who shed a tear. It was humor, of course, but Jess appreciated their mute support. They were her family, in a manner.

  “Kadence and I will continue to visit with Ula and Noe, because we like the siblings. Also, I have to make return visits to the Kingdom of Greena to support Thirza, as I promised. I wouldn’t want my kingdom to go astray.” Aria faded out.

  They were back to the basic boat crew, plus Magnus and Jess. There was considerable demand for more shows, including especially Atrocia, and of course Fibot would take them to the villages for that. But first, Magnus said, he had a private mission to accomplish. It would be in three parts: a paper, a mountain, and a woman.

  “A private mission?” Jess asked. “Can you tell me about it?”

  “I had better. It is to win you. You’re part three.”

  “Magnus, you’ve already got me.”

  “Not the way I want you.”

  Uh-oh. “If there is anything I can do—”

  He put his hand on hers. “Jess, I knew when I first met you that you were the one for me. A moderately pretty girl despite the curse, a nice personality, a phenomenal stage presence, and one of the smartest women of Xanth. I knew it intellectually, but your curse balked me from taking it personally.”

  “It does that,” she agreed ruefully.

 
“At least I got to verify my assessment emotionally when you had the brown rose. I had to do it.”

  “Oh, you did it many times that night!” she agreed. “It’s a wonder that storks didn’t collide on their way to fetch the signals.”

  He smiled. “I suspect that your curse prevented them from taking the signals seriously, when they thought about it after the rose faded. I mean I had to impress you emotionally. I wanted you to be as interested in me as I was in you. I knew that if I demonstrated how it could be between us without the curse, you should like it. Rose of Roogna understood, and facilitated it.”

  There had been collusion? She laughed. “And here I thought it was just storks!”

  “That too. But mainly I wanted you to love me.”

  “I do, Magnus.”

  “Because I courted you as well as I could despite the curse. And you have been loyal and supportive throughout, a perfect partner. Jess, I want to marry you.”

  “I will, Magnus.”

  “And I want to take you seriously. Otherwise all the rest is just a show.”

  “Magnus, we have talked about this before. You can’t take me seriously unless I abolish my curse, and then I’ll be no good as Atrocia. You need Atrocia.”

  “Yes! And I need her in bed, too. I suspect she could be absolutely fascinating.”

  He had a taste for the bizarre? “Magnus—”

  “That is my spot mission. To win Atrocia. And you. Together.”

  “I don’t think I understand. I am willing to be there for you, but we know it wouldn’t work. If you got Atrocia in bed, tried to get serious with her, you really might vomit on her panties.”

  “Not if my mission succeeds. I don’t want you to change at all. Jess, I’m going on this mission, and I hope to return to you, take you in my arms, and do the most lascivious things with you.”