by Maya Daniels
“What the fuck, Lucifer. You’re creeping me out. You know I don’t like it when you stare at me like that. It’s unnerving,” I say, anger spitting from me.
“That’s fine, hate it all you like. I need to see your eyes,” he says, more to himself than me. I’m worried now, thinking something went wrong while I was unconscious.
“What’s wrong with my eyes?” You can hear the fear in my voice and I hate it.
“Nothing is wrong. As a matter of fact, finally things are set to right,s” he says, and something like excitement and longing flashes in his feature. Giving me a devilish smile, he winks at me. What an ass!
“Seriously? You just acted like I was about to sprout horns with your inspection, and now you’re winking? What the fuck is wrong with you people?” My voice rises with each word. I start to feel tired again for no reason, like I didn’t just spend three months with my eyes closed. I can’t suppress the yawn that stretches my mouth until my jaw cracks.
“You should nap a little, Al. I know you just woke up, but your body needs to adjust. These will be short naps, I assure you,” Daisy says while patting my hand.
“I don’t want to nap. I want to be able to get up and go find my friends. The Goddess only knows what’s happening to them while I sleep here like an idiot,” I protest. “And you didn’t finish telling me everything, either,” I remind her.
“There’s time for the stories later. Until your body integrates properly, you’re not going anywhere, so better rest instead of making the process longer than it should be.”
She stands up and bustles around the room, tidying up things I didn’t even notice were there. A small bowl of water with a towel in it, the pitcher, bags of drips I assume they used on me, and so many more items. Seeing all of it makes me feel bad for bitching. It’s not their fault that I almost bled to death.
“I’m sorry, Daisy, I don’t mean to be bitchy. I’ve just been so angry lately and I can’t get rid of it no matter how hard I try,” I say, more to myself than her.
Kindness and sadness war in her eyes as she focuses on me. It makes me want to cry, but I fight the urge with everything in me. We stare at each other for a long minute before she releases a deep sigh and drops everything she was holding on the floor.
Walking to me, she sits on the bed. “I understand you, Alexia. Believe me, I do. Lucifer told me what happened that night and anyone could understand why you feel the way you do. I wish I had some words of wisdom to help you, but I don’t. We are our own healers as much as we are our own tormentors. Can you possibly go back in time and change what happened?” she asks in a soft voice. My mouth opens to ask if that is a possibility when she continues. “No, you can’t change the past. What you can do, however, is make the present count so you can create your future. Do you want to be angry and poison yourself with it? In anger, you’ll be impulsive and make mistakes. From what I know, there’s not much room left for mistakes when it comes to saving the people you love. Don’t get me wrong, they do happen and they always will. It’s inevitable. But if you use that anger creatively, you’ll avoid many and get where you need to be sooner than you think.”
“Will you tell me more about the Holy Grail you spoke about? And before you say I need to nap”—I raise a shaky hand to stop her from lecturing me—“I feel it all the way to my core that it’s important. I wanted to laugh when you said it, but I can’t stop thinking about it, and I feel an urgency that I can’t explain,” I tell her honestly, pleading with my eyes. I can’t explain why I must know this, but she seems to understand because she gets comfortable, curls one leg under her, and leans on the bed where my legs are stretched motionless. I do my best to move them a little so she has more room.
“No need to move. I’m fine.” She smiles, and I grin back at her. “Ever since we can remember, or since it has been recorded I should say, the patriarchy has tried to hide this little fact from us in the power struggle. You see, we all keep talking about how we want equality with men without understanding that a man can never be equal to a woman. Not because of all the silly, mundane reasons that circulate left and right. We cannot be equal simply because we have the Holy Grail in us—our womb is the creator. Men can connect with it only through their mother’s womb. It’s where matter and spirit are woven into one to create life. Do you understand?” Her eyes are so focused on me that my entire existence is at attention. I can feel in my bones how important this is. So I give her a hard frown and stay still to show I’m present, that I hear and understand what she is telling me. It must be what she wants to see because she nods her head in approval.
“It’s not just that our womb is where life is created. It’s also where alchemy happens. It’s where we transform negative into positive energy. It’s how we create this world to be what it is. By hiding that truth from us through the millennia, many have lost the connection they have with the Divine Mother. The longer the connection is lost, the more negative energy accumulates in us, because we can’t transform it on our own.” Her voice is sad, and I’m doing my best to swallow the lump in my throat.
“So that’s what happened to me? Because I had a lot of negative energy in my womb, I almost bled to death?” I ask her, shocked. In my mind, I’m seeing millions of women dying because they can’t transform what they unwillingly absorb. How have we not gone extinct by now? My mind is spinning.
As if she can read my thoughts, she shakes her head and chuckles. “We absorb those energies in three ways, Alexia, and only when our auras are open. When we eat, when we are intimate and allow a man into our body—our temple—and when we sleep.” She pauses and waits for me to understand the implications of her words.
I glance at my hands, which are folded in my lap. Everything makes so much sense right now that I can’t believe how stupid I have been through my many lifetimes. Enlil’s face flashes in my mind, anger evident in his eyes. I shiver. All that anger and hatred he has for me won’t just kill one person. It will kill several all at once. Then there is my ex with his twisted mental and physical abuse that almost broke me. Giving my head a few sharp shakes, I try to dispel the images. I’m lucky to be alive, indeed.
“I know why I had so much accumulated in me now. Thank you for explaining all this to me, Daisy. I truly am grateful,” I tell her, and I hope she can hear the sincerity in my voice.
She pats my cheek a couple of times and smiles. “I can see it in your eyes. You think you are responsible for all of it. You are not, child. Of that you can be certain. If I didn’t know all this, I could’ve been in the same shoes as you, and I had a good husband of thirty-five years who took care of me the best he knew how. It wasn’t his fault that others around him, his job, friends, and neighbors, along with the stress and anger of it all, affected his aura so much that when we were intimate, he automatically sent it to me. Not of his own doing, of course, but because our womb is like a magnet. It absorbs it to transform it. That’s why men are almost always happy and energetic after such encounters and we feel so tired sometimes, we want to spend the month in bed.”
“I see.” That’s all I can say. I understand what she is saying, but I can’t help but feel some responsibility for it, which reminds me … “So, what exactly happened to me? And is that it or should I worry about it happening again?” A tremor passes through me at the thought.
“You had a karmic release, Al. I have been monitoring your energy daily. It’s the only explanation I can find. You lost so much blood, but luckily Lucifer put you in a suspended state while he tried to figure out what was causing it and how to stop it. His energy was so erratic that I felt it stinging my skin all the way over on the main road I took to drive past the cottage when I was making sure everything was okay there.” She gives me a sheepish smile. It makes me happy that even if I wasn’t aware of it, someone still cared about me and wanted me to be okay. I know Lucifer does, but I’m still not a hundred percent sure there’s nothing in it for him. With non-humans, there’s always something. Trust me.
“Thank you, Daisy, it means a lot to me to know that someone cares if I’m breathing or not,” I say, grinning. I mean it as a half joke, but I guess I say the wrong thing because she clenches her fists at her sides.
“What?” I ask defensively.
“I don’t ever want to hear you say that again, Alexia! There are a lot of us, as well as non-humans, that care if you breathe or not. What kind of stupid talk is that?” A stern expression passes over her features and I can’t help but laugh. It’s so unlike her that I have tears in my eyes from it. After a minute, she joins me as well. “I am serious, even if I’m laughing!” she says after we are done.
“I know.”
Her gaze darts to the other side of the bed, so I turn my head to see what got her attention. I almost jump out of my skin when Lucifer is there, staring intently at me. I forgot he was there. What the hell is wrong with me?
I gap at him, wide-eyed. “Can’t you say a word, or move, or I don’t know, breathe maybe? I forgot you were still here,” I say accusingly.
“Obviously,” he says dryly, but I see a flash of something in
In his eyes. Was that hurt? Nah, I’m seeing things.
“Maybe it’s because of how long I’ve been unconscious. As you know, I’m usually very observant.” Even I don’t believe my own words. Lately I’ve been anything but observant.
“Keep saying it and we will both be convinced … eventually,” he says and shakes his head.
“Not funny,” I mumble, but he doesn’t laugh.
“Well now, I’ll let you rest a little. I’ll go have some tea and come back to check on you in twenty minutes or so. Don’t worry, I’ll keep Lucifer with me so you can have some alone time. I couldn’t get him to leave your side this whole time. I don’t think you know how lucky you are to have all of us caring as much as we do. Just like I know your friends are lucky to have a place in your heart,” Daisy says in order to cut the uncomfortable feeling that is almost tangible in the room, but I still get no remarks from him. I can never keep my mouth shut; I want to slap myself a lot lately. With those words, she stands up, kisses the top of my head, picks up all the things she left on the floor and starts walking towards the door with Lucifer right behind her.
“Lucifer, can you stay a minute please? I want to ask you something.”
“Go ahead.” He is standing at the door, one foot in the room, the other raised to cross the threshold.
“Close the door.” I plead with my eyes for him to stay. wanting to apologize for whatever I said that upset him, but he doesn’t give me the chance. He looks at me for a long moment, staring right in my eyes. I don’t blink, don’t even move. I just wait to see if he will allow it, the lump in my throat growing as my eyes fill with tears I don’t want to shed.
“I will come to talk later … alone, as you request it, Alexia. Now, you must rest. I see it in your eyes. They keep changing, but you are fighting it. I will listen to what you wish to say upon your rising.”
With that, he turns around and closes the door behind him. I want to scream at my stupidity, at life in general, at him even. Why am I so emotional? I’m even yelling at myself internally. It seems I can’t do anything right lately. The ceiling blurs while tears run down my face. The more I try to do what is right for everyone, the more I keep hurting people. After my rest, I am going to swallow my pride and ask Daisy and Lucifer for guidance with everything. This can’t keep happening, or I might as well admit defeat now and save us all some trouble. The faces of my friends—of my family—are floating in my mind, so I close my eyes to see them better. As I try to focus on their faces, I slowly float into a waking dream.
Chapter 3
There is a heavy fog all around me, and it’s accompanied by a feeling of dread. My heart starts beating wildly in my chest. My eyes drop to my hands and then my feet. My grandmother always told me to look at them if I needed to determine if I was dreaming or awake, that my hands and feet would always clue me in if I was in a lucid dream or not. Unfortunately for me, the fog is so dense I can’t see anything. Still aware of my weak state, I test my legs and move my upper body left and right, but it feels fine. No pain, no sore muscles, and definitely no tiredness.
“Hello?” I call out into nothingness. I don’t expect an answer, and I don’t get one. Remembering my visit with Venus—which now seems like it happened in a different lifetime—I drag my feet on the ground without lifting them to make sure I’m not standing on a cliff where my first step may lead to bye-bye, Alexia. The feeling of dread doesn’t go away, it only gets stronger the farther I move into the fog. An eerie feeling fills me, like I have lead in my stomach. As I move forward at a snail’s pace, I call out to Inanna. She must be able to hear me in these other realms. It seems like hours I move and call out, but neither does the fog clear nor does she answer. I stop moving and sit down on the ground. My stomach churns, and I think I will have to empty it if I go any deeper into it. Something is pushing me back like it doesn’t want me here. Out of nowhere, a dull pain throbs in my shoulder blades. I ignore it when my eyes spot a shimmering glow.
Like little sparks in the fog, it fascinates me, so I hold my breath mesmerized. It looks like someone just threw a handful of rainbow glitter into the air, and it is beautiful. As I watch, the sparkles get denser. Within minutes, it’s almost like an iridescent door. Is it a portal? I’m as curious as a damn cat, but the feeling of dread is still sitting heavy in the pit of my stomach, so I just stare at it dumbly. I bet Remi or Jezzinta wouldn’t waste a minute given the situation.
As I think of them, the shimmering changes first to what seems like a cave opening, then to a green wooden door with vines around it. It switches from one to the other faster than the blink of an eye, then even faster back to what it was. How interesting! When it comes to observing clues, I’m getting better at it. However, this is more me hoping than anything else. In other words, I’m out of my jackass stage, as Remi would point out if she were here. One can hope, right? Just like before, the shimmering changes into the cave opening and back again. I thought of Jezzinta and Meda next, and it did the same, only with the wooden door.
Hmmmm …
I know I should just sit here until I eventually get out of this dream, vision, or whatever it is and tell Lucifer first. He will know what to do. But then again, one of those passages might take me to my sisters. My heart jumps at the thought. I know Lucifer will be angry, and he will have every right, mind you, but I can’t ignore the feelings swirling inside me. I will go headfirst into a brick wall if it means getting to those I love, the ones that are a part of my soul. I should wait, yet I stand up and focus as hard as I can on Remi’s face. As I see her in my mind’s eye, the shimmering turns into the cave entrance, and without a second thought, I step towards it. There will be hell to pay if I live long enough to tell the story to the angel, but I can give as good as I get, and if it comes down to a pissed-off angel versus seeing my sisters, guess which one has my vote?
Taking a deep breath, I step through the cave opening.
Chapter 4
I was expecting … something.
I have no idea what, but maybe squinting my eyes from the change of light, maybe a change in temperature, or maybe something strange … anything, really. What I actually encounter when I step through the opening takes my breath away. I stand there dumbstruck. A magical—that’s the only way to describe it—orchard stretches in front of me. I can’t see the end of it. It’s full of winter trees swaying gently in a breeze that is rustling my hair. They look alive, as though they’re dancing to their own tune as I watch, mesmerized by their beauty which is amplified by the full moon hanging so large and close it leaves no doubt in my mind that if I reach up, I can touch it. The silvery glow turns everything around me into an enchanted dreamscape.
Everything is sparkling, just like the opening was in the fog. I’m standing, still afraid that if I breathe too loudly I might disturb the scene. The smell that assaults my senses is not … well, not hum
an, I should say. I’ve never smelled anything like it in my life and I’ve done my fair share of traveling to try to escape my miserable existence.
I glance over my shoulder to ensure the opening is still there and I’m not stuck here. My eyebrows shoot up to my hairline and I turn around slowly to see the mountain that has the cave opening. I’m standing at the bottom of it, and as I glance up, I can’t even see the top of it because it extends up to the sky.
Turning in a slow circle and trying to absorb it all, the glint of silvery light gets my attention so I squint to see it better. Silver apples hang from the branches of the trees. The light of the moon reflects on them making them glitter and even more mystical. They weren’t there a minute ago.
I go still again, breathing deeply, closing my eyes, and opening my energy, sending it through the area to see if I feel anyone around me. It’s a nice little trick Lucifer taught me and, even though I’ve obviously been wallowing in misery and self-pity, I have been paying attention because it’s working like a charm. I let it reach as far as I can, but the only thing I feel are the trees and other plants brushing their own essences against mine like they want to say hello. There are a few animals too, small ones by the feel of them, as well as some birds. As the thought pops in my mind, I hear the screech of an owl and smile.
“Hello, wise friend,” I whisper to it. The next second, my smile freezes on my lips.
I can’t truly pinpoint what it is I’m feeling, but I know two things. One: it doesn’t feel human, and two: my energy recoils from it, but I can’t tell if it’s evil. Go figure. As if things aren’t shitty enough for me, I get more puzzles.