Lead Me Not

by A. Meredith Walters

  The room was deathly still, everyone watching us. This was bad. I really should put a stop to it. But I couldn’t move. I was trapped by the mass of quivering need that unleashed in my belly the moment Maxx touched me.

  He finally opened his eyes and brought my hands down. “Are you all right?” he asked me quietly.

  I could only nod, as I was finding even breathing difficult. The intensity of his gaze was unsettling, but God help me if I didn’t want to throw my arms around his neck and hold him.

  His fingers slowly uncurled and released me. My hands fell to my sides, where they hung limply. We stood so close, our chests were touching. He lifted his hand to brush my cheek but stopped himself before making contact.

  Then without another word, he backed away, leaving the room.

  No one moved for an endless moment, and then it was as though everyone started heading for the door at once. I tried to make a general sort of announcement about next week’s session, but my voice was gone. Brooks had to take over.

  I continued to stand there, reeling from what had happened, from the fact that Maxx had made crystal clear to everyone in the room that there was something going on between us, something that could get us both into a lot of trouble.

  Once the room was empty, Brooks slammed the door closed and whipped around to face me.

  “I can’t believe you, Aubrey! Are you stupid?” he bit out hatefully.

  I flinched but didn’t say anything. I couldn’t deny what he was saying, yet I couldn’t put an admission into words. I was mute in my guilt.

  Brooks angrily closed up the metal chairs and shoved them against the wall. I pulled myself together as best I could and cleaned up the papers that Evan had scattered across the floor.

  “You’re going to ruin any chances you have at becoming a counselor. This is 101 shit, Aubrey! You don’t get involved with clients! I can’t believe you’re being so reckless. And for that guy? Seriously?” Brooks yelled.

  But then my own anger rose up to meet his. I couldn’t take his sanctimonious condemnation a moment longer.

  “Don’t you think I know all of this?” I was breathing fast and heavy. Brooks stood with his hands jammed in his pockets as if to stop himself from wringing my neck.

  “I can’t explain why it happened. I didn’t want it to!” I implored.

  “So you admit that something has happened, then?” Brooks asked, looking pained, and I knew that I had no right to be angry. Brooks was only looking out for me as a friend would.

  “Not really. Not yet,” I said quietly.

  “Then you still have time to put a stop to it, before you can’t undo it. You’ll get thrown out of the counseling program, Aubrey. This is a major violation of ethics,” Brooks argued, his anger fading, his shoulders drooping.

  “I can’t, Brooks,” I let out on a choked whisper.

  Brooks’s mouth tightened in frustration.

  “Why not? Why him?” he asked me.

  I shook my head, pressing my fingers into my temples, trying to stave off the headache that had started to throb behind my eyes.

  How could I possibly explain to Brooks why I couldn’t walk away from Maxx? That I saw something in that desperate man that made me want to help him. That I just knew there was something great, something beautiful, under the surface that only I would be able to see. That my heart, my soul, hungered for him in a way that I had never experienced before.

  It sounded ridiculous. Illogical. Hormonal. Those thoughts made me look like a fool, and maybe on some level that’s exactly what I was.

  But all I knew was that he needed me. And that I needed him. That we could heal each other.

  How could I turn my back on that?

  So I didn’t say a word. I let Brooks make his own deductions. As the silence between us lengthened, my friend sighed sadly.

  “I can’t stand by and watch you throw everything away like this,” he said, appealing to me in a last-ditch effort to get me to see reason.

  But I had come to learn that my feelings for Maxx weren’t reasonable.

  “Then don’t watch,” I murmured as I gathered my things, leaving Brooks alone with his disappointment in the crumbling remnants of our friendship.

  I hurried out to my car, keeping my head down, wiping the tears that fell down my cheeks.

  “Aubrey.”

  I looked up, the wind whipping my hair and obscuring my vision. Maxx stood in the shadows. He was recognizable only by the slope of his shoulders and his head full of blond curls, which was uncovered in the cold air.

  But now I would know him anywhere.

  I started to walk toward him as though pulled by an invisible cord. He met me halfway, his arms reaching out. I froze, looking around, worrying about being seen.

  Maxx picked up on my hesitation. “What is it?” he asked.

  I put my hand on his arm, resisting the need to fall into him. “We just have to be careful, Maxx. You can’t be touching me in public. What happened tonight in group, while I appreciate it, was too much. People will think there’s something going on between us,” I rebuked gently.

  Maxx frowned, his mouth thinning into a line. “Well, there is something going on between us. Right?” he asked, taking a step back, his voice gruff, a shutter going down over his eyes.

  I could sense the impact of my rejection. He was pulling away from me, preparing to be hurt. With little thought to common sense, I grabbed him and yanked him toward me, my hands coming up to frame his face.

  “There is so much going on between us that it scares me, Maxx. This”—I indicated the space between us—“could get the both of us into a lot of trouble. You’re in a group that I’m helping to facilitate. I could get kicked out of the counseling program. This would most definitely be in violation of your probation. We have to think about all of the implications here,” I reasoned.

  As if angered by my appeal, Maxx grabbed my face and roughly pressed his lips to mine, his tongue parting my lips and invading the deepest recesses of my mouth. He plundered and took without waiting for my compliance. This wasn’t about me. This kiss was all about him. He pulled away before I could react.

  “I don’t give a shit about the implications, Aubrey,” he warned, his eyes flashing in the shadows.

  My heart beat furiously in my chest. Maxx was a loose cannon. There was no way to control or dictate how he would handle the situation we found ourselves in.

  He felt it, he reacted.

  He thought it, he acted.

  How could I not expect this to blow up in my face?

  And even more perplexing was why a part of me did not care at all. Why was I thrilled at the intensity I saw when he looked at me, no matter the consequences? Why did I find myself arching my body to get closer to him as we stood in a darkened corner of campus where we could be discovered by anyone?

  “Come home with me,” Maxx murmured as he bent his head low, nuzzling my ear. I shivered, and it had nothing to do with the cold.

  “Please,” he whispered against my neck.

  “We have to be careful,” I cautioned before my wits left me. Maxx didn’t acknowledge my words. He didn’t alleviate my worries. He didn’t comfort or placate. Instead, he pulled me into the black and devoured me there. And I was happy to go with him.

  And later at his apartment, as he undressed me, slowly, reverently, I convinced myself that this choice to be with him was the only one worth making.

  Maxx kissed every inch of my body, spreading my thighs with his strong hands and using his tongue and lips on the most intimate part of me.

  I had given myself to him completely, bared my heart and soul.

  I watched him as he removed his clothing and then covered me with his body, positioning himself between my legs.

  One last twinge of reluctance buzzed around in my head. The fear that this step wasn’t one I should be taking. That sex with Maxx was binding and final. He would own me.

  And I wasn’t confident his possession was something I could s
urvive intact.

  But then Maxx kissed me deeply and thoroughly, and all thoughts of denying this moment were gone.

  I wrapped my arms around him, my legs securely at his hips. The tip of him pushed slowly inside me, joining us together.

  I gasped, he cried out. I moved, he held on. He pressed himself as deeply as my body would allow. Every inch of us fitted together, uniting perfectly.

  Maxx growled romantic nonsense in my ear as he slid in and out of me. “I’ve been waiting my entire life for you.” He kissed the sensitive skin beneath my ear.

  I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t want to make promises and declarations I was scared neither of us could keep.

  Maxx dug his fingers into my thigh as he lifted it up and over his hip. He cupped my cheek and looked down at me, his eyes dark and full of a tenderness that took my breath away.

  “I want this, forever,” he whispered, his voice hitching as he angled his hips and pushed deeper. I matched his rhythm, his desperate words ringing in my ears as we climaxed.

  These were sentiments I didn’t think it possible he should be feeling. Not yet. I wasn’t sure I was ready for his pleas of forever.

  Yet I longed for it.

  And in the heated darkness, I couldn’t deny I felt these passionate truths as well.

  chapter

  twenty-one

  aubrey

  waking up the following morning, I was on the edge of a full-on freak-out. I blinked my eyes in the dimness, trying to make out where I was. My brain couldn’t compute why I wasn’t at home, in bed, surrounded by my stuff.

  Then arms tightened around me, lips brushing the back of my neck, and I froze. Well, shit, now I remembered.

  I had slept with Maxx Demelo.

  His words from the night before drifted back through my sleepy brain. Did he really want me forever? Or was it the sex talking?

  My chest felt tight as I remembered the look on his face as he stared down at me, his eyes soft and aching with a need I felt just as intensely.

  But right now, I really needed to use the bathroom.

  I squirmed in Maxx’s embrace. My bladder felt ready to burst, but Maxx didn’t seem to want to let me go anytime soon.

  I turned on my side, thinking I could slide out from beneath his arms. But now that I was facing Maxx—his eyes closed, his sleeping face looking surprisingly young—I didn’t want to move.

  I loved looking at him like this, without the cocky confidence or the pained vulnerability. Both ripped at my chest. But here like this, quiet in his sleep, he seemed content.

  His lips curved up in a smile. “I know you’re looking at me,” he mumbled. I rolled my eyes.

  “I really need to use your bathroom, but I’m sort of pinned to the mattress right now,” I remarked dryly, wriggling again.

  In one fluid movement, Maxx opened his eyes and rolled me on my back, his hips fitting between my legs and lining up with me perfectly. We were naked, having not bothered to get dressed the night before. My body instantly responded to his proximity.

  “I like waking up with you here,” Maxx said with a smile, slipping inside my wet entrance just a fraction of an inch.

  My breathing became shallow, and the coil of burning lust knotted itself in my belly. “Oh, god,” I moaned as Maxx pressed farther inside me.

  I arched my back, my breasts pushed forward, and Maxx took one of my nipples into his mouth, his tongue swirling around the tight, hot bud.

  He still hadn’t pushed in the rest of the way, and I was a squirming, writhing mess beneath him. I dug the heels of my feet into his ass, trying to push him forward, but he resisted me, chuckling against my breast.

  Then, just as I thought he’d slam himself home, he pulled out and rolled off me. I sat up, bewildered, my heart beating wildly and my head fuzzy with my unfulfilled orgasm.

  “What the hell?” I glowered at him. Maxx leaned back, his arms crossed behind his head, and grinned like mad.

  “Go to the bathroom, do all of your girlie stuff. I’ll be here when you get back,” Maxx teased, giving me a mischievous wink.

  I got up in a huff and walked down to the bathroom. The distance from Maxx’s body cleared my head, and I was able to think about the situation I found myself in more rationally.

  I thought about what had happened in support group last night, and my blood froze. We had been careless and more than a little reckless. It was only a matter of time until Kristie found out, and then Dr. Lowell and then the rest of the faculty in the Psychology Department.

  There was no way to explain away Maxx’s behavior or my inability to respond appropriately in his presence. It was more than obvious how we felt about each other. It was my worst nightmare come true.

  But I was quickly becoming addicted to him.

  He was all I wanted.

  I took several deep breaths before returning to the bedroom. It was still dark out. I had no idea what time it was. It was too early to be awake, but I wasn’t tired anymore.

  Seeing Maxx laid out in the bed, waiting for me, filled me with a glowing warmth that could no longer be confused with simple lust. It burned so much brighter than that.

  I crawled in beside him, cuddling down beneath the covers, my leg wrapping around his hip, my arm resting on his chest. I tucked my head underneath his chin, and he squeezed me to his side.

  It was nuts how Maxx could make me lose my head with desire but then lull me into a contented relaxation in his arms. The emotions were waging a battle against each other, but I felt each so deeply. The battle made me feel weak in the knees and on the cusp of losing control.

  The appeal of that was the same as when I had been at Compulsion. The opportunity to surrender and embrace a side of myself that had lain dormant for most of my life.

  Maxx’s fingers swept up and down my arm, a soothing gesture that made my eyelids start to droop. But then he spoke, and all thoughts of falling asleep were gone.

  “Thank you,” he whispered, kissing the top of my head.

  “For what?” I asked, turning to rest my chin on his chest. His face was shadowed in the dark, a grim reminder of the person he was for part of the time—my mystery man, the person I wasn’t sure how to reconcile with.

  “For being here with me. For not leaving that night after the club. For staying by my side even when it got ugly.” His voice broke, and he cleared his throat, smiling sheepishly. He quickly leaned down to kiss the tip of my nose.

  “For being who you are,” he finished, his hand cupping the back of my head as he pulled my face to his. He captured my mouth in a searing kiss, and I couldn’t help but melt into him. That was the power he had over me. It was total and absolute. I was helpless to resist him.

  I could feel his heartbeat beneath my palm, and it was steady and strong. So far there were no signs of withdrawal. I just hoped that didn’t mean he had already used that morning before I had woken up. I wanted to know, but I was scared to ruin our moment with questions that would only infuriate him.

  I let him kiss me until we were both breathless. He pulled me on top of his body so that I straddled him. My desire was awake and ready. I couldn’t help but rub against him, grinning at his low, throaty groan.

  “Spend the day with me,” Maxx demanded with a smile that quickly turned to a moan as I rubbed against him again.

  I lifted up and positioned myself over him. Slowly, purposefully, I lowered myself down until he filled me completely. The action caused us both to moan loud and low.

  “I have class. I have a paper to write. Don’t you have schoolwork to do?” I asked between gasps. Maxx gripped my hips and rocked me over him, guiding me as he thrust upward.

  Maxx flipped me so that I was beneath him, his hand coming up to caress my face, slowing his rhythm. “Just for today,” he pleaded. I started to shake my head, but then he kissed me deep and long.

  “No classes, no work. Just you. Just me. Just us together,” Maxx begged in time with our heart-pounding rhythm.

  “
Yes,” was all I could say, my nails digging into the skin of his shoulder blades, my back arching up.

  I came with a violence that shocked me. Then he came on the tail end of my orgasm. We lay in the aftermath, trying to control our breathing, waiting for our hearts to slow.

  Our bodies were slick with sweat, and normally I would have been grossed out at the way our skin stuck together, but strangely it didn’t bother me. My hand was definitely lying in a wet spot, but all I could think about was how good it felt to lie sprawled across him, the two of us still attached intimately.

  Maxx ran his hand down my spine and smacked my ass. “Let me make breakfast. I’m starving!” I wished his energy was contagious, but I was feeling languid and lazy and not in the least bit hungry.

  But I let him pull me out of bed and down the hallway while he flipped on all the lights in his tiny apartment.

  “Sit. I’ll get everything together,” Maxx urged, buzzing around animatedly. He was so happy. And it was more than a little flattering to think I may have had something to do with the smile on his face.

  We were both still naked, and I was starting to feel self-conscious. I wasn’t one to make a habit of hanging out in the buff. For me, nakedness was confined to showers and changing clothes. I started to pull one of the couch pillows over my chest when Maxx grabbed it and tossed it on the floor.

  He dropped to his knees, his arms curling around my waist, his face tilted up as he looked at me. “Don’t ever cover yourself in front of me. I need to see you,” he murmured, pulling my legs apart. I was completely exposed. It made me uncomfortable, but it was also extremely erotic.

  “All of you,” he finished, running his nose along the inside of my thigh, his breath warm on my center. I shuddered, too turned on to be embarrassed by my body’s blatant reaction to him.

  He rocked back on his heels, his fingers still gripping the flesh above my knees, and he looked at me, all of me, as though I were the most beautiful thing in his universe. He was really good for the ego.