I was glad that it was just a dream, but as I thought about it, I realized that it was a dream that I needed to have. I sat up in bed, fully aware of what had to be done.
I gave Max’s shoulder a shake. “Max.”
“Mm?”
“Get up, Max.”
“Okay, let me wake up.” He started to pull me closer.
“No, Max, I want to go back to the beach.”
“Huh?” He opened his eyes.
“Please, Max, I need to do this.”
“You don’t have to do it for me, Sammy.”
“No, I need to do it for me. If you don’t want to go, I understand.”
“I wouldn’t miss it.” He climbed out of bed.
We hurried, half asleep, to grab the things we needed. We were still groggy when we stepped out the door and followed the short path to the sand.
Max lingered a few steps behind me as I walked out onto the beach. With the way the waves and the sand pulled me, it was more like I was being led. I stepped up onto one of the highest sand dunes.
My heart raced. My mind flooded with all the reasons that I shouldn’t do it. But I ignored them all. I drew a deep breath of the salty air and reached behind my back. I tugged the tie of my bikini until it loosened and released.
The cups of the bikini still clung to my breasts. My breasts that had been through so much—being too small, then too big, then way too big. My breasts that sagged a bit when I lost weight and never fit just right into a sundress. My breasts that had faint stretch marks and odd patches of skin.
They’d endured years of abuse from me as I told them that they weren’t good enough, that they’d never be good enough, that I’d have to have surgery if I had any hope of ever feeling comfortable with them. Now that I thought back on the amount of time I stared with hatred at my breasts in the mirror, I realized how silly it was.
My breasts were always perfect.
They were me—the result of my life, and my choices.
I peeled back the cups of the bikini top until it hung down across the rounding of my stomach. My breasts were exposed to the sun, as it shone brighter, and the salty air, which seemed to caress them.
As my eyes closed, I experienced the embrace of nature as it worshiped my physical form the same way that I worshiped the sunrise as it spread before me. I was as much a masterpiece of nature as the ripple of the water, or the expanse of the sky. My heart filled with such freedom that it seemed to float in my chest, giving me the illusion that I could fly if I tried hard enough.
I heard footsteps approach me and slowly opened my eyes. To my surprise, the beach was crowded. A few people looked in my direction. A man snapped a photograph. Normally I’d have been horrified, but instead, I was flattered.
Max took my hand in his and drew my attention. “You look like a goddess in the sunlight.” He smiled at me.
“I’m not, I’m just me.” I tugged his hand. “Let’s go for a swim.”
We ran down to the water and splashed into it. The sensation of the cool water against my skin was delightful. Max and I swam in the water for a long time. Peace washed over me just as the waves did.
By the time we left the water I was comfortable with walking along the beach with no top on. I noticed that a few other women had taken their tops off. Whether they did that because I’d done it, or it had always been their intention, I didn’t know. I liked to think they might have experienced the same inspiration that I’d known.
Max grabbed a towel and wrapped it around me. It seemed more like an excuse to hold me, which he did. He placed a kiss on my forehead and looked into my eyes. “I love you, Sammy. Can you believe that this is our life?”
I smiled in return. “I love this too. I love the adventure, and the travel, and us being together. But I’d feel like the luckiest woman in the world, no matter where we were, as long as I’m with you.”
We kissed for some time as the waves crashed in the distance. The intimacy between us warmed my heart and made everything else disappear.
Chapter 27
After Max and I took a quick shower in the cottage, we shared a meal. It was a combination of cheeses, fruit, and yogurt. It was delicious, much better than the awful food we’d tried at the restaurant.
“Here, catch.” I tossed a piece of cheese at Max. It bounced right off his nose and landed on his plate.
“Are you trying to start a food fight with me, young lady?” Max scooped up a spoonful of yogurt.
“No! No!” I ducked and tried to avoid any flung yogurt.
Max laughed and ate the yogurt instead. “I’ll show mercy this time. But you know not who you mess with.”
“Hm, a kind loving man who would never fling yogurt at his wife?”
“Alright, fine. Maybe you do know.” He picked up a grape and popped it in his mouth. “So are you ready for tonight?”
“I think so. I guess I’m a little nervous about what questions they might ask.”
“Why are you nervous?”
“I don’t know. At the reading it was easy because I basically just read a passage from my book. But tonight people will be asking me anything that’s on their minds. There’s no way to prepare answers for that.”
“That’s the fun part—the unexpected.”
“Maybe for you. You don’t have a problem expressing yourself eloquently. I stumble over everything I say, and of course, I tend to blurt out the wrong things.”
“You’re very articulate and you’re honest. That’s all you need to do well tonight, babe. They’re not there to see anyone but you, and they want to hear your honest thoughts and feelings.”
“I guess. I’ll try to relax. I just hope I don’t end up freezing or doing the splits.”
“I’ll make sure the brakes are on the podium.” Max laughed.
We finished our brunch and then headed out to the airport.
The flight back to Paris gave me some time to think about the two days we had left in France. There were so many places that we hadn’t had a chance to see in Paris, yet. I looked forward to being able to spend the next day seeing some more of the sights.
But first I had to get through the question and answer session. I just hoped that I wouldn’t slip up and say something incriminating.
After we landed, we still had a few hours to kill.
Max glanced at his watch. “Should we call for a car?”
I looked up and down the sidewalk. It was a beautiful day and the streets were packed. “No, let’s just roam. I don’t want to miss out on the little things that get overlooked by tourists.”
“Great. We’ll get a little exercise in too.”
“Good point.”
We held hands as we walked down the sidewalk toward the more populated area. In the middle of all of the congestion I noticed that there were some people riding bicycles. Others were jogging. Even in Paris people were focused on being healthy. When we passed a towering building I looked up at the architecture of it.
“Oh, Max. It’s so interesting. I need a picture of this.”
I pulled out my phone and let go of his hand. I held up my phone to take a picture. No matter how I angled the phone I couldn’t get the entire building in the frame. I took a few steps back and tried again. Still I couldn’t get the entire building. I was determined to get the picture.
I moved back farther and farther until I had the entire building in the frame, then I snapped the picture. The moment I took it, I heard horns all around me. They blared so loud that I jumped.
Max, whose attention had been focused on the building, looked toward me. His eyes widened in the same moment that the horns blared. “Sammy, get out of the street!”
I looked around me to see that I’d backed up into the very busy street. Cars swerved and dodged around me. I was in the middle, too far to get back to Max. I turned toward the other side but cars whipped past in that direction as well. I looked for a break in traffic to get across, but no one would stop. They just drove around me with angry g
lares and sharp gestures. There I was stuck in the middle of the street in the middle of Paris, all because I wanted to take a picture.
Through all of the commotion I heard the high-pitched sound of a bicycle bell.
“Hey, you! Yes, you!”
A woman, who had to be in her seventies, waved to me from the sidewalk. “Listen to my bell. When you hear it, go! Okay?”
I stared at her. Should I risk my life and trust a complete stranger? The woman nodded to me. I decided I wouldn’t be any safer by staying in the street. I nodded back to her.
She watched the traffic and after a few minutes rang the bell. I didn’t take the time to check for cars, I just ran for her side of the road.
Max tried to dodge the cars to get into the street but none would stop for him. I made it to the edge of the street and scraped my ankle on the curb as I jumped onto it. My heart raced. I looked back at the traffic that sped by and had no idea how I’d survived.
“Thank you!” I turned to the woman who’d helped me. “Thank you so much.”
“No need to thank me. Just be more careful.”
“I will.” I shook my head. “I was just so caught up in the beauty. I don’t know how I managed to do something so stupid.”
“We all do stupid things now and then. Don’t let it trouble you.” She leaned close to me. “But if you think that building is beautiful, you must see Sainte Chapelle. I promise you, you won’t regret it.” She gave my hand a light pat. “Don’t worry about how the world sees you, my dear, worry only about the way you see the world.” She waved to me and then rode off on her bicycle. She rang her bell a few times as she disappeared into the crowd.
Max jogged up to me and took my hand.
“Are you okay? I’m so sorry—I couldn’t get to you. Please tell me that you’re okay.”
“I’m fine.” I laughed, though I was still in a little shock. “I don’t know what I was thinking. But I just met the most wonderful woman.”
“Really? How can you know she was wonderful if you only talked to her for a moment?”
“I know. She said a beautiful thing to me and told me that we have to see Sainte Chapelle. Can we go? Do you mind?”
“Sure, we can go. But let’s call the car service. I think roaming is a bad idea.”
“I think you’re right about that.” I dialed the car service.
Chapter 28
When the driver arrived to pick us up, he knew exactly where to go. He dropped us off at the end of a long line.
“Are you sure about this?” Max frowned.
“I have to see it. There’s no way that I met that woman by accident.”
“Alright.” Max took my hand and we waited in line.
It took about half an hour, but when we reached the front of the line I knew that I wouldn’t regret it. The majesty of the structure was enough to take my breath away. That, combined with the massive stained glass windows and colorful tiles, gave me the sensation that I’d walked into a dream world.
I heard Max take a sharp breath as we paused in front of the large circular stained-glass window.
“It was worth it, huh?”
“Yes.” Max squeezed my hand.
As I stared into the myriad of colors and witnessed the sunlight that streamed through the window, I recognized that whoever had created the masterpiece understood beauty. I knew in that moment that there was such awesome creativity in the minds of mankind, that to limit myself to the idea that there was only one definition of beauty was impossible.
I thought of every person that I’d met as a piece of that large circle, a perfect shimmering flawless section of glass that blended together to create unparalleled beauty.
The impact of the sight stayed with me later that evening, as I dressed for the last of my author events in Paris. I didn’t think so much about how I looked in the mirror, but how I looked in my own eyes. Could I see my beauty? Could I see my worth?
I left the bed and breakfast with a different form of confidence growing within me—a certainty that all that I was was exactly what I needed to be.
When we arrived at the question and answer session, many people were already there.
Cateline smiled at me as I stepped inside. “Samantha, you look beautiful.”
I understood the compliment. She might have admired my dress, or my hair, but I knew that her compliment was more toward what she saw inside of me. I felt beautiful, not in a shaky forced way, but in a free and accepting way.
“We’re just about ready to start if you are. No need to be formal. This is just meant to be a relaxed and comfortable encounter. If anyone makes you uneasy, just nod your head to me and I’ll intervene, alright?”
“Okay.” I smiled. I remembered the dream I’d had the night before. Now I was prepared to answer anything asked of me, with honesty.
The room was as crowded as it had been at the reading. There were even a few new faces.
I noticed a man in the back of the room with a camera. For a split second I thought it might have been the same man that was on the beach that morning, but I shook the thought away. It couldn’t be him. Why would he travel so far?
I turned my attention to the crowd of women who sat before me. “Welcome, everyone. Thank you for being here. I’d just like to say that it means the world to me that you’ve all enjoyed the book, and I hope you know that it inspires me just to see you here.”
There was a small smattering of applause, then women began to raise their hands to ask their questions. A woman stood up near the front of the crowd.
“Samantha, in your book you talk a lot about confidence and loving your body. Do you think that it contradicts these thoughts to be so focused on weight loss?”
I thought about her question for a moment to make sure that I could answer it clearly.
“No, I don’t think so. The truth is, we’re all beautiful, no matter our size. But I believe our bodies function better at a healthy weight. I believe that if someone is truly confident—that if a woman truly loves her body and moves through whatever issues she may have to deal with at the time—the weight naturally shifts on her body as she works to treat it in loving ways. Now if a woman feels she’s healthy and happy with her weight, I think that’s wonderful too. My personal goal has always been to be healthy and so that’s been my focus.”
The woman nodded and sat back down.
I smiled at another woman who waved her hand in the air. “Yes?”
“I recently read the portion of your new book that you released on your website.”
“Oh yes, unfortunately that was a mistake. It wasn’t meant to be released.”
I could see Max grimace in the back of the room.
“I thought it was genius! I loved having a window into your mind. All the books I’ve read about women and body image—and just life in general—are always so glossy. Everything seems perfect. It was refreshing to see the process that goes into creating those perfectly edited pages. But I did have a question about it.”
“What’s that?” I smiled.
“When will it be released?”
I laughed. “Well, I have to finish it first, then I’ll let you know.”
A woman near the back of the room stood up when I nodded to her.
“Samantha, I have a question for you.”
“Okay.” I smiled.
“Is this you?” She held up a photograph.
Chapter 29
My heart jumped as I realized that it was a photograph from that very morning when I stood on the beach topless. The audience fell silent as the woman continued to hold up the photograph. “Is it?”
I looked past the sea of faces to Max, who stood up from the wall and moved toward me.
The other man in the room, the one I recognized from the beach that morning, stepped forward as well.
I took a deep breath and knew there was no way to avoid the truth. “Yes, it is me.”
A ripple of whispers carried through the audience.
The wo
man who held the picture lowered it. “I think it should be your next book cover.”
“Oh?” I breathed a sigh of relief. I expected to be raked over the coals for being indecent. “I’m not so sure I could get away with that.” I laughed.
“It is a work of art.” The man who snapped the picture paused beside the woman. He continued, “Do you mind if I share something with you?”
“Go right ahead.” I nodded.
“I was surprised this morning when you did not yell at me for taking your picture. I was prepared to be chased.” He pointed to the sneakers on his feet.
Max paused beside him and gave him a look of warning.
“I’m a professional photographer and I just couldn’t resist snapping a picture of that moment. Your expression was just—wow!” He shook his head. “I had no idea who you were when I took the picture, but when I showed my wife, she knew who you were.” He smiled at the woman who held up the picture. “She insisted we bring it to you—as a gift. After she told me what an impact your book has had on her view of her own beauty, I agreed. In fact, I’ve started to read your book, and though I know it is targeted toward women, I’m getting a lot from it myself. You’re very talented and quite beautiful—and my wife and I would like you to have this portrait.”
I stepped down from the podium and walked toward them. As I took the picture that was handed to me, all of the familiar qualms about looking at myself in a photograph rose to the surface.
“How often do we avoid looking at pictures of ourselves when we don’t feel that we’re perfect?” I looked around at the women in the audience. “This man captured a moment that was life-changing for me, and when I look at this picture, I don’t want to tear it down, I want to appreciate it. This is the place we need to get to as women—or men.” I smiled at the photographer. “A place where we accept our bodies for the natural beauty that they are. Thank you for this gift.”
With a tremble in my hands I lifted the photograph so that everyone in the room could see. I ignored the sweat along my forehead and the way my heart pounded against my chest. “This is me, this is who I am, relaxed and embracing the world around me, without fear of others judging me. This moment will always be precious to me, but it would never have happened if it weren’t for the support of all of you—and my husband Max, who always reminds me to be proud of myself. So my challenge to all of you is to go out and experience this. You can have someone photograph it, or not. You can wear a top, or nothing at all, but be brave enough to embrace and display your body for the beauty that it is.”
Sammy in France (Single Wide Female Travels #1) Page 9