by L. B. Dunbar
“What’s up, little man?” I tried to ignore Britton, but I could feel the glare coming from her.
“Who’s this?” Gee asked.
“This is Zoe.”
“Toey?”
“No, Zoe. With a Z,” I smiled. I could feel Britton approach us, a wave of confusion coming off of her, but I still refused to meet her glare.
“And who are you?” Zoe asked, not trying to hide her disgust at the child. “Put him down,” she mumbled under her breath, not very subtly.
“I’m Gee.” The boy responded as I placed him back on his feet.
“Are you lost, little boy?” She was patronizing him.
“No. Are you?”
I bit my lip, trying not to laugh. The hysteria was building inside me at the awkwardness of the triangle of Zoe, Britton, and Gee.
“Gee, don’t be rude,” Britton spoke.
“And who are you?” Zoe asked Britton.
Britton didn’t have a chance to answer before Gee did.
“An old friend. Not old as in her age is old, but old as in a friend from a long time ago,” Gee recited as if he had practiced the words or been told them very specifically.
“I see,” Zoe said. I noticed her glance between Britton and me, and she wrapped her arm around mine. “I wasn’t aware that Gavin had run into an old lover.” She spat the last word.
“What’s a lover?” Gee asked. Britton covered his little mouth with her hand.
“Gee, we need to go.” She wasn’t acknowledging Zoe and she wasn’t speaking to me.
“Bye, Gavin,” Gee said through his mother’s hand. Britton removed it, and Gee tried again.
I smiled and waved at the blond haired boy with his dimples shining up at me as Britton gently tugged him away from me. Unfortunately, she wasn’t looking at me as she turned him by the shoulder and took his hand, guiding him down the street. It was awkward that Zoe and I continued in the same direction, and Zoe decided she wanted to go into a dress shop that was open a few minutes early. I stayed outside on the stoop and watched Britton try to put her keys in the door of the bookstore. She dropped them and bent to pick them up. She was shaking.
When she dropped the keys a second time, my heart felt a pang as I saw Gee put his arms around his mother’s side, awkwardly hugging her. I closed the short distance to the bookstore in three large steps. Britton remained hunched toward the ground, her arm around Gee, and her hand still braced on the locked door. I picked up the keys and stood to place the key in the lock, but Britton was upright in an instant. She scooped Gee up, who was clearly too large for her to carry, and pushed my hand away from the door.
“I can take care of myself,” she whispered with a shaky voice.
“I can explain,” I whispered back.
“You don’t need to. I get it, Gavin.”
“No, you don’t understand.”
“Gavin?” We both heard Zoe’s voice call from a few stores down. Britton had the key turned in the lock and was pushing open the door while I looked at Zoe. Britton slipped inside the bookstore with Gee and closed the door between us, her back to me as she walked away. I had the strangest déjà vu of this very door closing on me in the past, and I hung my head in defeat.
Scene: The Fight
She was sixteen; I was eighteen.
We hadn’t had a fight. It was our third summer together and I had recently broken up with my junior prom date when Britton returned to the city. I was looking forward to spending time with her and I was upset that she took a summer job again, but I understood that like me, she needed to earn some money.
I had been in the bookstore, waiting for Britton to close up for the night when my recent ex-girlfriend, Janette, walked into the store. I had lost my virginity years ago and had used great patience with Britton during the previous summer, as she was only fifteen. At sixteen, I wasn’t pressuring her exactly, but I wanted things to go further than just heated kissing and the occasional clumsy exploration of each other’s body.
Janette had made several comments to me as I waited near the checkout counter. She was flirting with me, and in typical teenage fashion I flirted back, even though it didn’t mean anything to me. She made more hints about getting together again and what she would do for me if we were alone. I was growing uncomfortable with how intimate the banter was getting, knowing that Britton was working only a foot away on the other side of the counter.
“Don’t you remember how good it was Gavin?” she said, not ashamed of how loud she said it in the abandoned store.
The cash register drawer slammed shut.
“We’re closed now,” Britton said sweetly. “You need to take it outside.”
The girl walked away with her friend and looked over her shoulder at me. She licked her lips at me and I laughed, but Britton didn’t think it was funny.
“You need to leave also,” Britton said softly.
“Oh Brit, she was teasing.”
“Who was she?”
I didn’t blink in my stupidity. “An old lover,” I joked.
Britton walked around the counter to the glass front door and pulled it open.
“Good night, Gavin.”
I didn’t think she was serious and I remained leaning on my elbows against the counter.
“Can I help you with something?” a voice came from behind me. The older man was staring at me with a firm, librarian sort of expression over his dark rimmed glasses.
“No, I was just leaving.” I pushed off the counter with a huff and strutted past Britton. I didn’t think she’d do it, but she shut the door and stared at me through the glass as she locked it. Then she turned and walked into the store as the lights began to shut off.
I had to run a block around the buildings to the back entrance, only to find Britton had accepted a ride with her co-worker. I’d like to think I wasn’t one to grovel, but I did …for days. I would show up at her uncle’s and Leo would claim she was out. I would show up at the bookstore and they would say she was on a break. I would walk her street hoping to see her, but she wouldn’t be there.
Finally, in a total classic, 1980’s movie imitation, I went to her uncle’s after dark and played her a song through the open window of her room. When she didn’t respond by the song’s end, I dejectedly walked around the house to find her standing by my truck.
“I’m sorry,” I said immediately. She was crying, something I had never seen her do before. “I’m so sorry.” I traced the tears off her cheek and kissed her softly. Another tear slid down the other cheek and I kissed it away as well. She was silent, but a steady stream of tears was flowing down her face. I tried to keep up as I said my apology and kissed them away over and over and over again.
“I’m sorry I’m not what you want, Gavin.” Her words stung me.
“What? No! Never say that, Britton. Never say that. I want you. Anyway I can have you, I want you.” I knew I meant it.
I was kissing her in earnest now. Cheeks, eyelids, nose.
“But you want certain things, and I do too. But you were just with someone and I won’t be a sloppy second.”
“Stop this. Stop it now,” I demanded. “You will never be second. Never.”
I leaned in to kiss her sad, quivering lips. She wasn’t responding to me, and I was beginning to panic myself.
“Kiss me,” I pleaded. I know she tried, but there was something missing in that kiss. I realized I needed to just hold her instead. I wrapped my arms around her and reminded her that I loved her, and only her.
* * *
My mind played the scene over and over in my head as I drove to Elk Rapids. I had called Ethan on the way and tried to make my voice cheerful as I explained that Zoe had surprised me. Now wasn’t the time to elaborate that we were breaking up, since she was spending the day with my family. Nor was it time to elaborate how guilty I felt toward Britton, someone no one really knew about. I wanted to hold her, comfort her, and explain myself, but I had an overwhelming feeling, that again, I was too late.
/>
Pulling into the harbor parking lot, I found Ethan waiting for my help in getting the boat in the water. Our father hadn’t found a need to continue with a permanent slip for our boat since Ethan wasn’t home this summer, and Karyn and Tom had their own boat on a dock off their property. The old wooden boat looked smaller than I remembered and it was definitely older, but once Ethan and I got it in the water, the sound of the engine reminded me of summers with Britton.
For this moment, I told myself not to remember as I helped Zoe, and then Ella into the boat. Ella was tentative about Zoe, who immediately made a comment about Ella’s face, to which Ella replied that she had an accident as a child. She didn’t expand on what or how, and she didn’t give further introduction than her first name to Zoe. Ella knew of Zeke and Zoe Steinmann, and I sensed that she had no desire for Zoe to recognize who she was related to in California. I didn’t know the details, but I respected Ella’s privacy and I derailed any questioning by Zoe that I thought was too much.
As Ethan steered the old motorboat into the open water of Elk Lake, Zoe removed her swimsuit cover up, revealing a California body that was thin in the right areas and curvy in the others. A small tattoo on her shoulder blade struck me. I knew every inch of her, and this was definitely new.
“What’s this?” I traced her back and she shivered.
“A tat.”
“Why?”
“Because I felt like it,” she replied with a huff.
We reached the middle of the lake, which was the meeting point with Tom, Karyn, Jess, and Emily. The other boat was crowded with Tricia, Jess’ youngest sister, and her boyfriend, Trent Walker. The younger couple joined Ethan and Ella while Zoe and I transferred to Tom’s boat. Tom was going to have to circle back at some point and pick up his own children for a turn in the boat with their young friends.
“Well, looky. Who do we have here?” Tom asked as I helped Zoe over the boat’s edge.
“Tom Carter, this is Zoe Steinmann.” I gave a false smile as I introduced my newly ex-girlfriend.
Tom looked from Jess to me and back at Jess.
“I thought…I’m confused,” Tom said.
It was my turn to look at Jess and then back at Tom, quizzically. When I glanced back at Jess, he just shook his head, so I let it go.
I went first for water skiing, something I hadn’t done in years. I knew I’d be rusty, but I held my own as the white water wake splayed in my face and I felt the powerful rush of being pulled across the water. It was a beautiful early August day and the temperature was still hot, which made the cold lake refreshing. As I scanned the passing scenery of green trees with pockets of cottages and homes, I recalled again the simple life of living in this small community. I relaxed as I enjoyed the momentary freedom of skiing, until I noticed a scene of some type in the boat. Karyn was the spotter, watching out for the person skiing, which left Emily and Jess with a dangerously flirtatious Zoe. I recognized her body language. Despite the engaged couples’ upcoming nuptials, it was clear from my vantage point that Zoe was making some kind of play for Jess.
I dropped the towrope and slipped into the water. I removed the skis and swam awkwardly back to the boat as Tom circled around. If I didn’t know better, I thought Emily was about to throw down with Zoe. As I approached the boat, I caught the tail end of the altercation.
“Well, he certainly is delicious looking, and you are one lucky lady,” Zoe purred, as she made an obvious show of sizing Jess up and down with her eyes and licking her lips. Emily was blocked by Jess, who was balancing between the two front seats, his arms outstretched.
Zoe reached out her hands to touch Jess’ washboard stomach, and I thought I might have audibly gasped from the water. Jess took a step back, bumping into Emily. His arm fell as he tried to steady himself in the slowing boat, and Emily came around Jess in a flash. Her finger was pointed at Zoe.
“He’s mine,” she growled.
Tom laughed, but Jess had his jaw clenched, and raised an eyebrow of surprise at Emily’s aggression. He slipped his hand around Emily’s stomach and pulled her against him. Kissing her neck, they moved as one unit to the open front of the boat.
As I reached the side of the boat, I scowled at Zoe as she looked down at me.
“What? I can explain,” she smiled sweetly, and I felt my own words thrown back at me. “You were flirting with that old lover in the street,” she added with a hiss.
“What lover?” Tom couldn’t help butting in.
“I wasn’t flirting,” I said, pulling myself into the boat.
“What lover?” Tom just couldn’t stay out of it.
“You were definitely mooning over her. All puppy-dog brown eyes of yours looking at her.” Zoe’s lower lip protruded.
“Mooning? Isn’t that when you pull your pants down and show your butt?” Tom laughed.
Zoe giggled like she was a five-year-old hearing a dirty joke, and I could have scripted what would happen next.
“You are so funny, Tommy. Sexy too in those flowered shorts,” she drawled at him.
I rolled my eyes as I looked at my sister.
If I didn’t have one-hundred-percent faith in Tom and Karyn’s relationship, I knew Karyn would easily start a fight with Zoe. But Karyn was used to Tom’s flirty comments, admitting that he never went too far. Although Tom once explained in the past that he would never, ever cheat on Karyn, it didn’t stop his innuendos.
I flipped my legs into the boat and Karyn threw a towel at me.
“Oh, she’s a fun one,” she mumbled sarcastically, nodding toward Zoe. Zoe sat on a side bench in the back of the boat and purposely arched her back, pressing her breasts forward as she closed her eyes up to the sunshine. I was in hell, I decided.
“How’s Mum?” I hoped to distract everyone from their attention of Zoe.
“It’s weird. She seems stronger lately; like in the past week. And she was more energized at your party last night than I’ve seen her in months. I’d like to think this is a sign of something positive, but I still have a sickening feeling that she still isn’t well.”
“Well, you can’t judge her based on a feeling, Karyn.” I didn’t mean it to sound so harsh. My sister and I didn’t always see eye-to-eye on things, though. Karyn was seven years older than me, ten years older than Ethan, and when our mum was sick the first time, I didn’t appreciate Karyn trying to take over. Ethan didn’t have the same conflict. He liked how Karyn babied him and took care of him. I found it annoying and would often fight with her about it. I would tell her I didn’t need her help.
“Actually, it’s more than a feeling. This can happen in cancer patients, and it sometimes happens before a relapse. Of course, Mum is already in a relapse of sorts.”
“There she goes, sounding all nursey,” Tom smiled lovingly at his wife. “I’d trust her feeling, though. She normally feels good,” Tom added, drawing out the last words. He wasn’t referring to Karyn’s emotions, and I grunted.
“She’s not a professional,” I commented.
“She will be,” Tom yelled as he fired up the engine again.
I looked at my sister.
“What’s he talking about?”
“I’m studying to be a nurse. After Jack was born, I knew that I needed to do more than just be a mom. Although I waited for almost nine years for him, I needed something for me. When Mum got sick again and I did most of the caregiving for her, I started looking things up on the internet to try to understand what was happening. The more I learned, the more curious I became, so I signed up for a class in the spring just to see what I thought. It’s been a long time since I’ve been in school, but I liked it and I’m good at it.”
“I didn’t know,” I said, surprised.
“Well, you wouldn’t, Gavin, because you don’t ask about other people. You only talk about yourself.”
If I ever thought my sister could hurt me, it was right then in the boat on the lake. I couldn’t be as selfish as she said, could I? I thought for a moment. Since
I’d been home, I’d only seen my parents privately once. I didn’t ask Mum how she was. I saw Britton a few times, and although I could hardly get the truth out of her, I didn’t really ask her enough questions to warrant the answers I sought. I talked about my film and myself instead. I didn’t ask Jess or Emily about the wedding, although Emily had provided some information last night.
I looked at Zoe with her eyes closed and face raised to the sun, and I knew why I didn’t ask questions. It had become a habit. If I had to ask questions of her, the bleach-blonde-sunbather with a new tattoo, I would never like the answers. I once saw her as sexy and invigorating, and now I was suddenly ashamed that I even knew her. I was embarrassed that this woman was someone I had wanted to show off. Now I wanted to hide. It wasn’t just the new mysterious tattoo, either; it was the whole package. In many ways, I had turned into Zoe, and I didn’t like it.
“I’m sorry, Karyn. You’re right. I should have asked.”
As if the day would never end, I volunteered that Zoe and I would take off so Madison and Meghan, my nieces, could get a ride with their dad. Karyn left the boat as well to check on Jack, who had been in the joint care of Madison and Mum.
I dreaded the way the introduction was going to play out between my parents and Zoe. I would introduce her and imply that she was my girlfriend, only to deny the fact later.
“Mum, Dad, this is Zoe Steinmann.”
If ever I was surprised by my parents, this was then. My father looked at Zoe like he’d seen an insect and wanted to squish it. He shook her hand gingerly, but then wiped his own on his jeans afterward, as if she had a disease he could catch. My mother was more tactful, but still looked at me with reproach. She smiled sweetly at Zoe without shaking her hand, but she kept glancing sideways at me. My mother appeared hurt; her eyes were soft with pain.
Karyn explained that Mum and Dad couldn’t stay all afternoon since Mum needed to rest for this weekend’s Harbor Day activities. Dad even asked Mum to leave at one point.
“Ready?” he questioned.
“Absolutely not,” she hissed. She responded through clenched teeth as she looked directly at me, glanced at Zoe, then back at me. She was shaking her head as she replied, and I thought her response might have implied something other than leaving.