The History in Us

by L. B. Dunbar

  “But then your lips. Those lips hint at a touch of something more than a good girl, and I can’t forget. I want to forget it all, but I can’t.” My mouth moved, but the words jumbled. I closed my eyes, inhaling deeply the sweet mixture of her skin and hating myself for being gruff toward her. Heads pressed together, I willed her to ask me: Do you remember me? But the question didn’t come.

  “I think I should leave.” I pulled away abruptly, releasing her face from my hands, but holding that kiss like the other memories. Yes, leave, run away, everyone does, I wanted to yell, but I couldn’t remove my head from hers, willing her thoughts to crawl into my brain, wanting to know if she felt something from that kiss. Something like I felt years ago, when her mouth covered mine on a cold winter evening. Something I’d been holding on to for years and not been able to find again, until she sat before me in class. A lost boy. A stolen kiss. I didn’t deserve such goodness. I stepped back, searching her face for any sign, anything, that hinted she recognized me.

  When she said nothing in response to my unspoken plea, the only thing I could think to say next was: “I’ll call you an Uber.”

  Katie

  He’d call me an Uber? The statement slammed into me, forcing my chest to collapse. The walk of shame would have been better. Of course, I didn’t personally know about the walk of shame. I’d never spent a full night with a boy, let alone a man like Levi Walker. I didn’t do sleepovers like Penelope. I didn’t have that many dates, only a few smatterings here and there. But although I wasn’t a virgin, casual sex wasn’t my thing. Yet, standing before Levi, my body experienced cravings it never had before—an aching, pressing need nearly suffocating me.

  Embarrassment turned to irritation. Sexy Walker, damn him. His mouth on mine startled me, numbing rational thought. What surprised me more—how quickly I gave in to the taste of him. I was drunk off him. The flavor of whiskey on his tongue. The scent of alcohol in his breath. The warmth of his mouth. I allowed my senses their pleasure for a moment, responding like I never drank before. I followed his lead, chasing after him with a desire to catch him, swallowing him down my throat with a need for the burn. Then reality caught up to me, and like the sorry drunk I could be, tears threatened behind my eyes.

  The offer of an Uber made me feel dirty.

  “I think I can manage,” I muttered as I straightened my bag. I turned for the door when a hand wrapped around my upper arm.

  “Wait.” When he presented me with a couple of twenties, I almost forgot why I was there. I’d been ready to lash out at him in anger. I hadn’t kissed him to be paid for it, but then I remembered AJ. I was the babysitter. The naughty babysitter. With shaky hands, I took the money and released my arm from his grasp. Without further conversation, I walked out of his apartment, but not before looking back up the staircase to find Levi watching my retreat. He scratched at his scruff-covered neck, teasing me with the sound, his eyes trained on me. I softly shut the door at the base of the stairs, locking away another memory.

  * * *

  Stunned by his attention, my fingers caressed my lips, bruised from the crushing blow of his mouth on mine. He tasted of all things bad, and my lips tingled with the thrill of not following the rules. But the moment I reached my apartment, the tears fell, uncontained, uncontrolled. The salty seasoning covered the swollen effect of his unsolicited kiss. Unsolicited, but not unwelcome.

  “What happened?” Tuck asked. Despite it being after midnight on a Friday night, my newest roommate was home. A smattering of papers spread over the coffee table, her laptop sat open and her cell phone vibrated with notifications. Her bright, blonde hair was pinned on top of her head with two pens. I didn’t know if I should tell her what I’d done. Penelope was the wild one, not me, so she would understand my predicament.

  “I was babysitting,” I responded noncommittally as I dropped my bag by the couch, swiping at the tears on warm cheeks, and staring at the television with its low volume.

  “Really. You look flushed.” Tuck watched me, reading me. She scanned my face like one skimmed emails and I was certain my expression read: RE: I kissed a taken man. I kissed the father of the child I babysat. I was guilty of playing naughty-nanny, if only briefly. Instantly, my hands covered my face as if I could block her from seeing my shame. I collapsed onto the couch next to her.

  “What did you do?” Her hands reached for my wrist and tugged gently, forcing my palms away from my face. My head shook with guilt.

  “I kissed him,” I whispered.

  “What? Who?” she giggle-choked, and then her expression grew serious, her brows creasing with concern.

  “Sexy Walker. I babysat for him. And then I kissed him.”

  A gentle O formed on her lips. “Is he married?”

  “Single father.” I paused, shrugging, as tears slipped down my face again. “But there is still something missing. I can’t figure it out. Like he’s hung up on something, or someone.”

  What was I thinking? He said he wasn’t married and he didn’t wear a ring, but I heard him on the phone when I entered the apartment. The woman had to be AJ’s mother. Maybe they were still a “thing.” Maybe she was a girlfriend. I shook my head with confusion, like the inexperienced woman I was with men.

  “Well, that dirty son-of-a-bitch.” Her Southern accent rang heavier than normal as her fingers smoothed over my cheek, almost mothering me. A delicate hand came to rest under my chin. “What is it with men?”

  “He’d been drinking—”

  “They always are, sugar,” she interrupted.

  “And he leaned in…and then I responded…and I don’t know what came over me.” My eyes blinked up at my roommate, but I did know what happened. I lowered my eyes in shame. Levi Walker happened to me, and it wasn’t the first time. It wasn’t even the second time. “Oh my God, what did I do?” It was as if the reality of saying what happened made it more real than it already was.

  “You kissed a willing man,” she said as a way of comfort, tugging gently at my chin and lowering her eyes to find mine. “An unavailable man, but a willing one. Bastard.”

  I shook my head, still unable to look her in the eye, but she tipped my chin upward.

  “Sugar, men are scum. If he leaned in, it’s not like you threw yourself at him, right? You can’t call a baited fish unwilling,” she coaxed. I didn’t know who the baited fish was in that metaphor. “He shouldn’t have leaned forward, in the first place. Maybe he won’t remember. That’s always a man’s excuse. He was too drunk and he doesn’t remember.” Her voice hinted at deep knowledge of this experience.

  God, I hoped he wouldn’t remember. How could I be so stupid as to remind him of my inadequacy? Small town girl. I’m pretty certain I wear the sign on my forehead despite living in Chicago. Gullible. It’s written in my surprise at big-city rudeness, nonexistent greetings, and lack of people knowing each other. Then again, it’s part of the reason I left Elk Rapids. I didn’t want people always remembering me, reminding me of who I was, where I’d been, and what happened. Silent Katie Carter. It was the past. I wanted to move forward.

  But something told me Levi Walker was going to remember I kissed him back.

  “Ben & Jerry are the only men you need.” Tuck’s words broke into my thoughts, her voice teasingly stern.

  Yes, I thought. Ice cream packed with chunks of brownie and a large spoon would soothe the craving I had for a man who should be untouchable to me.

  * * *

  The following morning, I was the first one awake. Tuck’s things were removed from the coffee table, though I knew she worked late into the night. Baseball season was winding down, but that meant recruiting season was winding up, she’d told me one day. She researched hot prospects for her sports management firm, and ironically her sights were set on a potential from Michigan.

  Penelope, I assumed, was dead asleep. Last night being Friday, meant a late night for her in another manner. Penelope closed out the work week by imbibing on alcohol and men. She finally had a stea
dy temp job with some manufacturing bigwig, and I hoped this meant a steadier income for her. I shook my head at the thought when a scraping sound came from our front door. Shifting on the couch, I noticed a stark white envelope just within the apartment on the floor. It had just been slipped under the heavy wood.

  I stood and rounded the couch, picking up the non-descript rectangle. It wasn’t addressed to me. I hated to think I’d unknowingly open my roommates’ mail, but before I knew it, my fingers were under the lip, unsealing it. A simple cardstock slip matching the size of the envelope was nestled inside.

  K —

  Let me apologize. Come talk to me. Meet me at Alley Cat.

  ̴ L

  Levi? A smile crept over my lips, and I bit the corner to fight it. The battle was fruitless. Alley Cat? I questioned. Jumping over the back of the couch in my excitement, I reached for my phone after I landed. With a quick search through the city directory, I found the mysterious coffee shop, which wasn’t too far from my apartment. I’d never heard of the place, and my heart raced with the mystery of the unknown. He hadn’t mentioned a time, but considering it had only been moments since the letter slipped under the door, I assumed the appointed hour was immediate.

  With no time for a shower, I dressed, spritzed, and left, inhaling a deep breath of the warm morning air. The city was silent on this block, reminiscent of home in its eerie peace, and yet, nothing like the small town where I grew up with these refurbished lofts and skinny trees. I double-checked the address twice before I found the place. Caught between two buildings, too close together, a narrow alley led down to a shop highlighted with Broadway letters—COFFEE. I smiled to myself as I took in the tall buildings on either side of this quaint hole. Outdoor lights crisscrossed over my head. I bit my lip with nervous anticipation as I approached the front door.

  Entering, I found a space hardly large enough for five people. Instantly, I noticed Levi was not present. I perused the menu to find drinks as complicated and expensive as the eight-dollar price that accompanied them. My hands slipped into my jacket pockets, discovering the crumpled bills within. Withdrawing two twenties, I decided to splurge on the delicacy of an over-priced cup of coffee. I ordered a slice of almond-flavored, coffee heaven and stood outside the door.

  Now what? I thought. Had I misunderstood? Did I have the wrong time, the wrong place, the wrong city? As time ticked and my drink dwindled, I decided I’d made another grave mistake when it came to Levi Walker. No longer thirsty, I took a final sip and trashed the rest of my cup before sauntering to the edge of the alley. I spun back to face the cafe. It really was adorable—located between two buildings, tucked away, hidden from the mayhem of the street at my back. It would have been romantic to share a drink…

  “Katie?”

  I spun to find Levi walking toward me, pushing AJ in a running stroller. His appearance was casual, but his voice rushed with surprise.

  “Hey,” I said, too brightly, too eager, too relieved that he showed after all.

  “Hey.” He stared at me a moment and then squinted toward the dim alley. “Do you live around here?”

  My head tilted in question. He had to know the answer. He’d delivered the letter.

  “I’m down two blocks to the left.” Twisting at the waist, he looked behind him. “Impressive.” His tone teased smugly, before he faced me again, a genuine smile gracing his lips. I forgot my name for a moment, the street, the city around me. Nothing existed but him, until AJ’s little feet kicked forward at my shin.

  “Well, not when you can’t afford the rent.” I laughed to cover my jittering nerves. His vibe confused me, as if he hadn’t asked me to meet him.

  “Struggling college student,” his voice questioned, the lingering tease melting over me. How did he do that with just a look, just the sound of his voice, just the gleam in his dark eyes?

  “Something like that,” I muttered. He gave me a chin-tip and an awkward silence fell between us. AJ’s legs kicked again from his seat in the stroller.

  “Hello, sweet baby.” I squatted to AJ’s level, grabbing his foot in distraction. He was an adorable baby with eyes like his father and already had a dark head of hair. I only briefly noticed the hearing aids. I wondered what his mother looked like. She must be strikingly beautiful to produce such a picture-perfect child. With a fleeting glance at Levi, I realized he’d settle for nothing less than a gorgeous mate, thus their offspring would be just as lovely.

  “What are you up to today, little man?” I teased AJ, as if he would answer me. The moment the question left me, I knew it was directed at his father instead.

  “We’re headed to the zoo today. I need to…I need to get out of the apartment.”

  Standing slowly, I realized Levi didn’t live anywhere near here, and here wasn’t anywhere near the zoo. My eyebrows pinched as I looked up at him, still waiting for him to address the apology note.

  “We were taking a run first,” he offered, lowering his head to swipe at imaginary dust on AJ’s stroller. I noted Levi’s appearance. He was dressed for a workout in track pants and T-shirt soaked at the neck with sweat. He looked delicious.

  “Oh, well, don’t let me keep you.” Stepping aside, I willed my heart not to fall at my feet until after he walked past me. The wreckage would look like a crime-scene, bits of my vital organ shattered everywhere on the cool city pavement. At least spare me the horror until he walks away, I prayed.

  He took a step, bringing his body level to mine. His dark eyes roamed my face and my cheeks flushed.

  “And what does a struggling college student do on a Saturday?”

  Typically, I volunteered, but I didn’t wish to explain that to him for some reason. Today, actually, wasn’t my day on the schedule, and I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about his letter long enough to give thought to the free day. Too much time slipped between us before I answered, and Levi coughed to fill the space.

  “Anyway…” he said, at the same time I said, “I don’t have plans…”

  His jaw twitched before his mouth curved. He scratched at his neck, a nervous habit I was learning.

  “Want to go to the zoo?” The question surprised both of us. His eyes widened while mine fell away.

  “I don’t want to impose.”

  “I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want you.” The statement startled us both, but he didn’t correct himself. His expression softened and melted chocolate warmed me like the coffee I’d hastily drank. The words were strong, but his tone was sweet.

  “I haven’t been to the zoo in years.” I looked down at AJ, struggling to contain my excitement at the invitation from his father. I addressed AJ instead. “I’d love to visit the zoo with two…men.” The word beautiful almost slipped out of my mouth. Almost. But I reigned it in because I’d had lots of practice holding in my voice.

  Levi

  Thoughts of her hadn’t left my mind, and restless sleep had filled the night before despite the soothing shots at the bar. Memories haunted my dreams.

  My father had died.

  I sipped my drink at Town Tavern, waiting for my older brother to meet me. The funeral had been minimal. Our father wasn’t a well-loved man in the community. After years of public drinking and known child abuse, the notice of his untimely death could have drifted in the bitter winds around the lake surrounding our small town, if not for the weekly housekeeper who found him. The United States Army released me to attend his funeral. The general demanded my presence.

  Put him to rest, if for no other reason than to put yourself at ease.

  Sharp amber liquor cut down my throat. Where the hell was Caleb? He promised he’d meet me here, after he did a few things at the house. I drew the line at entering the hovel which had once been our home. Home, I laughed bitterly. There was nothing homey about the place that I’d had to bear for three years, alone. Three years before I enlisted and left and hoped to never look back.

  The jingle of a bell notified the bar of someone’s entrance. The night was rat
her young, but darkness filled the sky in late fall. I had nowhere else to go despite knowing every inch of this small town. I stared at the television until another jingle at the door alerted the slowly filling space of additional entrants. Twisting only enough to catch a glimpse of straw-blonde waves and bright blue eyes, a warm smile crossed swollen pink lips and then her eyes shifted to the growing number of occupants at several tables pressed together.

  “Katie?” Without looking, I recognized the voice of someone who had once been my oldest brother’s friend. I hunched my shoulders, hoping not to be recognized. Dressed in regulation uniform, I stood out in the comfort of the local bar, but this was a place accustomed to travelers, tourists, and those who passed by. In my opinion, if you didn’t have to stay there, you wouldn’t, and that’s why the army appealed to me.

  “Katie girl, you aren’t old enough to be in here yet.” Tom Carter’s voice boomed over the titters and giggles of a proud family gathering for a weekly reunion. This was tradition for the famous Carters. Even I, now considered an outsider, remembered the ritual.

  Katie Carter. Her name was a distant memory to me. One of foolish games, too much drink, and the excitement of a new life mixed with mistaken identity. And idolism.

  Will you be a hero one day?

  An innocent question burned sharper than the whiskey crawling down my throat.

  “How you holding up?” Nothing got past Calvin. The bald-headed bartender could recognize a Walker. The sheer magnitude of our alcohol consumption was a giveaway. Calvin had known my father all too well.

  “It’s been a long twenty-four hours, sir.” The address so rote, the title slipped out. Calvin’s bushy eyebrows rose as he poured me another. The flight from base to here by way of Washington D.C, Detroit, and the small Cherry City Airport in Traverse City wasn’t something I looked forward to repeating in reverse tomorrow. But back to the dry heat, sand storms, and brown surroundings of desert I would return in another twenty-four hours.