An Inspector Calls and Other Plays

by J. B. Priestley

  ROBIN [who hasn’t]: Yes, I have. Hundreds of times.

  JOAN: I have about you too.

  ROBIN [kissing her]: Joan, you’re a darling!

  JOAN [after pause, whispering]: Do you remember that morning you went away so early – a year ago?

  ROBIN: Yes. But you weren’t there. Only mother and Hazel and Kay.

  JOAN: I was there too, but I didn’t let any of you see me.

  ROBIN [genuinely surprised]: You got up at that filthy hour just to see me go?

  JOAN [simply]: Yes, of course. Oh – it was awful – trying to hide and trying not to cry, all at the same time.

  ROBIN [still surprised and moved]: But Joan, I’d no idea.

  JOAN [very shyly]: I didn’t mean to give myself away.

  ROBIN [embracing her]: But Joan – oh gosh! – it’s marvellous.

  JOAN: You don’t love me?

  ROBIN [now sure he does]: Of course I do. Golly, this is great! Joan, we’ll have a scrumptious time!

  JOAN [solemnly]: Yes, let’s. But Robin – it’s terribly serious, y’know.

  ROBIN: Oh – yes – don’t think I don’t feel that, too. But that’s reason why we shouldn’t enjoy ourselves, is it?

  JOAN [crying out]: No, no, no. Let’s be happy for ever and ever.

  [They embrace fervently, silhouetted against the moonlit window. Now the curtains are suddenly drawn by CAROL, who sees them and calls out to people behind her.]

  CAROL [with a sort of cheerful disgust]: I thought so! They’re in here – Courting! I knew there was a catch in this hide-and-seek.

  [ROBIN and JOAN spring apart but still hold hands as CAROL switches on all the lights and comes into the room, followed by MADGE and GERALD. MADGE is rather excited – and rather untidy, too, as if she had been hiding in some difficult place.]

  ROBIN [grinning]: Sorry! Shall we start again?

  MADGE [crossing towards window]: No, thank you, Robin.

  CAROL: You’d better explain to mother. I’m going to make tea. [She goes.]

  [ROBIN and JOAN look at one another, then go out. GERALD watches MADGE, who now draws the curtains and then returns to him.]

  GERALD: Well, Madge, it sounds all right. And I know Lord Robert Cecil’s a fine chap. But I don’t quite see where I come into it.

  MADGE: Because in a few weeks’ time there’ll be a branch of this League of Nations Union here in Newlingham. It’s no use my doing much about it – though I’ll join, of course – because I’ll be away. But you could be organizing secretary or something, Gerald.

  GERALD: Don’t know that I’d be much good.

  MADGE: You’d be perfect. You understand business. You know how to handle people. You’d make a good public speaker. Oh, Gerald – you’re maddening!

  GERALD [smiling, not without affection]: Why, Madge? What have I done now?

  MADGE: We’re friends, aren’t we?

  GERALD: I consider you one of my very best friends, Madge, and I hope I’m not flattering myself.

  MADGE [warmly]: Of course not.

  GERALD [smiling]: Good! So?

  MADGE: You’re not doing enough, Gerald.

  GERALD [mildly]: I’m kept pretty busy, y’know.

  MADGE: Yes, I don’t mean you’re lazy – though I’m not sure that you aren’t a bit, y’know, Gerald – I mean you’re not doing enough with yourself. You’re not using yourself to the utmost. I could be tremendously proud of you, Gerald.

  GERALD: That’s – almost overwhelming – coming from you, Madge.

  MADGE: Why from me?

  GERALD: Because I know very well that you’ve got a very good brain and are a most critical young woman. Rather frightening.

  MADGE [rather more feminine here]: Nonsense! You don’t mean that. I’d much rather you didn’t, y’know.

  GERALD: All right, I don’t. As a matter of fact, I’m very fond of you, Madge, but don’t often get a chance of showing you that I am.

  MADGE [lighting up at this]: I’ve always been fond of you, Gerald, and that’s why I say I could be tremendously proud of you. [With more breadth and sweep and real warm enthusiasm] We’re going to build up a new world now. This horrible War was probably necessary because it was a great bonfire on which we threw all the old nasty rubbish of the world. Civilization can really begin – at last. People have learned their lesson –

  GERALD [dubiously]: I hope so.

  MADGE: Oh – Gerald – don’t be so pessimistic, so cynical –

  GERALD: Sorry, but a lawyer – even a young one – sees a lot of human nature in his office. There’s a procession of people with their quarrels and grievances. And sometimes I wonder how much people are capable of learning.

  MADGE: That’s because you have to deal with some of the stupidest. But the people – all over the world – have learned their lesson. You’ll see. No more piling up armaments. No more wars. No more hate and intolerance and violence. Oh – Gerald – I believe that when we look back – in twenty years’ time – we’ll be staggered at the progress that’s been made. Because things happen quickly now –

  GERALD: That’s true enough.

  MADGE [begins to orate a little, sincerely]: And so is all the rest. Under the League, we’ll build up a new commonwealth of all the nations, so that they can live at peace for ever. And Imperialism will go. And so in the end, of course, will Capitalism. There’ll be no more booms and slumps and panics and strikes and lock-outs, because the people themselves, led by the best brains in their countries, will possess both the political and economic power. There’ll be Socialism at last, a free, prosperous, happy people, all enjoying equal opportunities, living at peace with the whole world. [Quotes with great fervour and sincerity]

  Bring me my bow of burning gold:

  Bring me my Arrows of desire:

  Bring me my Spear: O clouds unfold!

  Bring me my Chariot of fire.

  I will not cease from Mental Fight,

  Nor shall my Sword sleep in my hand

  Till we have built Jerusalem

  In England’s green and pleasant Land …

  GERALD [genuinely moved by her fervour]: Madge – you’re inspired tonight. I – I hardly recognize you – you’re –

  MADGE [warmly, happily]: This is the real me. Oh! – Gerald – in this New World we’re going to build up now, men and women won’t play a silly little game of cross-purposes any longer. They’ll go forward together – sharing everything –

  [MRS C enters with HAZEL. MADGE breaks off, looking rather untidy. GERALD, who has been genuinely dominated by her, looks round, recovering himself.]

  MRS C [with maddening maternal briskness]: Madge dear, your hair’s all over the place, you’ve made your nose all shiny, you’re horribly untidy, and I’m sure you’re in the middle of a Socialist speech that must be boring poor Gerald.

  [The generous mood is shattered. MADGE might have been hit in the face. She looks at her mother, then looks quickly at GERALD, reads something in his face – a sort of withdrawal from her – that is somehow final, and then in complete silence walks straight out of the room.]

  MRS C [lightly, but knowing what has happened]: Poor Madge!

  HAZEL [with sudden reproach]: Mother!

  MRS C [with wide innocence]: What, Hazel?

  HAZEL [significantly, indicating GERALD]: You know!

  GERALD [not half the man he was]: I think – I’d better be going.

  MRS C: Oh – no, Gerald, don’t go. Kay and Carol are making some tea and we’re all going to be nice and cosy together in here.

  GERALD: I fancy it’s rather late, though. [Glances at his watch, while HAZEL slips out.] After eleven. I must go. I’ve an early appointment in the morning, and one or two things to look through before I turn in tonight. So – [With slight smile. KAY enters with folding legs of small Oriental table. She puts them down, to turn to GERALD, and MRS C arranges them.] Good night, Kay. Thank you for a very nice party. And now that you’re properly grown-up, I hope you’ll be happy.

&
nbsp; KAY [with a slight smile]: Thank you, Gerald. Do you think I will?

  GERALD [his smile suddenly vanishing]: I don’t know, Kay. I really don’t know.

  Smiles again and shakes hands. Nods and smiles at HAZEL, who enters with tray of tea things.]

  MRS C: No. I’ll see you out, Gerald.

  [They go out. HAZEL and KAY can rearrange things a little while talking.]

  HAZEL [thoughtfully]: I’ve always thought it must be much more fun being a girl than being a man.

  KAY: I’m never sure. Sometimes men seem quite hopelessly dull, like creatures made out of wood. And then at other times they seem to have all the fun.

  HAZEL [very seriously for her]: Kay, just now – this very minute – I wish I wasn’t a girl. I’d like to be a man – one of those men with red faces and loud voices who just don’t care what anybody says about them.

  KAY [laughingly]: Perhaps they do, though.

  HAZEL: I’d like to be one of those who don’t.

  KAY: Why all this?

  [HAZEL shakes her head. CAROL and ALAN enter with the rest of the tea things.]

  CAROL: Alan says he wants to go to bed.

  KAY: Oh – no, Alan. Don’t spoil it.

  ALAN: How could I?

  KAY: By going to bed. It’s my birthday, and you’re not to leave us until I say you can.

  CAROL [severely]: Quite right, Kay. [Going up to ALAN] And that’s because we’re very very fond of you, Alan, though you are such a chump. You must smoke your pipe too – for cosiness. [Generally] Robin and Joan are courting in the dining-room now. I can see they’re going to be an awful nuisance.

  KAY [as HAZEL and CAROL settle down]: If you had to fall in love with somebody, would you like it to be at home or somewhere else?

  HAZEL: Somewhere else. Too ordinary at home. On a yacht or the terrace at Monte Carlo or a Pacific Island. Marvellous!

  CAROL: That would be using up too many things at once. Greedy stuff!

  HAZEL [coolly]: I am greedy.

  CAROL: I should think so. [To the other two] Yesterday morning, she was in the bath, reading Greenmantle, and eating nut-milk chocolate.

  KAY [who has been thinking]: No, it wouldn’t be too ordinary, falling in love at home here. It would be best, I think. Suppose you were suddenly unhappy. It would be awful to be desperately unhappy and in love miles away in a strange house…. [Suddenly stops, shivers.]

  CAROL: Kay, what’s the matter?

  KAY: Nothing.

  CAROL: Then it must have been a goose walking over your grave.

  [KAY abruptly turns away from them, going towards the window. HAZEL looks at her – as the other two do – then raises her eyebrows at CAROL, who shakes her head sternly. MRS C enters and looks cheerful at the sight of the tea.]

  MRS C [cheerfully]: Now then, let’s have some tea and be nice and cosy together. Where’s Robin?

  HAZEL: Spooning with Joan in the dining-room.

  MRS C: Oh! – hasn’t Joan gone yet? I really think she might leave us to ourselves now. After all, it’s the first time we’ve all been together in this house for – how long? It must be at least three years. I’ll pour out. Come on, Kay. What’s the matter?

  CAROL [in tremendous whisper, seriously]: Sh! It’s a Mood.

  [But KAY returns, looking rather strained. Her mother looks at her carefully, smiling. KAY manages an answering smile.]

  MRS C: That’s better, darling. What a funny child you are, aren’t you?

  KAY: Not really, Mother. Where’s Madge?

  ALAN: She went upstairs.

  MRS C: Go up, dear, and tell her we’re all in here, with some tea, and ask her – very nicely, dear, specially from me – to come down.

  HAZEL [muttering, rather]: I’ll bet she doesn’t.

  [ALAN goes. MRS C begins pouring out tea.]

  MRS C: This is just like old times, isn’t it? And we seem to have waited so long. I ought to tell fortunes again – tonight.

  HAZEL [eagerly]: Oh – yes – Mother, do.

  KAY [rather sharply]: No.

  MRS C: Kay! Really! Have you had too much excitement today?

  KAY: No, I don’t think so. Sorry, Mother. Somehow, I hated the idea of you messing about with those cards tonight. I never did like it much.

  CAROL [solemnly]: I believe only the Bad Things come true.

  MRS C: Certainly not. I clearly saw Madge’s Girton scholarship, you remember. I said she was going to get one, didn’t I? And I always said Robin and Alan would come back. I saw it every time in the cards.

  [Enter JOAN and ROBIN.]

  JOAN: I – I think I ought to go now, Mrs Conway. [To KAY, impulsively.] Thank you so much, Kay, it’s been the loveliest party there ever was. [Suddenly kisses her with great affection, then she looks solemnly at MRS C who is considering the situation.] I really have had a marvellous time, Mrs Conway.

  [Standing close to her now, MRS C looks quite searchingly at her. JOAN meets her look quite bravely, though a little shaky.]

  ROBIN: Well, Mother?

  [MRS C looks at him, then at JOAN, and suddenly smiles. JOAN smiles back.]

  MRS C: Are you two children serious?

  ROBIN [boisterously]: Of course we are.

  MRS C: Joan?

  JOAN [very solemnly, nervously]: Yes.

  MRS C [with an air of capitulation]: I think you’d better have a cup of tea, hadn’t you?

  [JOAN flings her arms round MRS C and kisses her excitedly.]

  JOAN: I’m so happy.

  CAROL [loudly, cheerfully]: Tea. Tea. Tea.

  [Passing of cups, etc. ALAN enters.]

  ALAN: Madge says she’s too tired, Mother. [Goes and sits down near KAY.]

  MRS C: Well, I think we can get on very nicely without Madge. Kay ought to read us some of the new novel she’s writing –

  [Exclamations of agreement and approval from JOAN and ROBIN and a groan from HAZEL.]

  KAY [in horror]: I couldn’t possibly, Mother.

  MRS C: I can’t see why not. You always expect me to be ready to sing for you.

  KAY: That’s different.

  MRS C [mostly to ROBIN and JOAN] Kay’s always so solemn and secretive about her writing – as if she were ashamed of it.

  KAY [bravely]: I am – in a way. I know it’s not good enough yet. Most of it’s stupid, stupid, stupid.

  CAROL [indignantly]: It isn’t, Kay.

  KAY: Yes, it is, angel. But it won’t always be. It must come right if I only keep on trying. And then – you’ll see.

  JOAN: Is that what you want to do, Kay? Just to write novels and things?

  KAY: Yes. But there’s nothing in simply writing. The point is to be good – to be sensitive and sincere. Hardly anybody’s both, especially women who write. But I’m going to try and be. And whatever happens, I’m never never going to write except what I want to write, what I feel is true to me, deep down. I won’t write just to please silly people or just to make money. I’ll – [But she suddenly breaks off.]

  [The rest wait and stare.]

  ALAN [encouragingly]: Go on, Kay.

  KAY [confusedly, dejectedly]: No – Alan – I’d finished really or if I was going to say something else, I’ve forgotten what it was – nothing much –

  MRS C [not too concernedly]: You’re sure you’re not over-tired, Kay?

  KAY [hastily]: No, Mother. Really.

  MRS C: I wonder what will have happened to you, Hazel, when Kay’s a famous novelist? Perhaps one of your majors and captains will come back for you soon.

  HAZEL [calmly]: They needn’t. In fact, I’d rather none of them did.

  ROBIN [teasingly]: Thinks she can do much better than them.

  HAZEL [calmly]: I know I can. I shall marry a tall, rather good-looking man about five or six years older than I am, and he’ll have plenty of money and be very fond of travel, and we’ll go all over the world together but have a house in London.

  MRS C: And what about poor Newlingham?

  HAZEL: Mother, I couldn’t po
ssibly spend the rest of my life here. I’d die. But you shall come and stay with us in London, and we’ll give parties so that people can come and stare at my sister, Kay Conway, the famous novelist.

  ROBIN [boisterously]: And what about your brother, Robin, the famous – oh! famous something-or-other, you bet your life.

  JOAN [rather teasingly]: You don’t know what you’re going to do yet, Robin.

  ROBIN [grandly]: Well, give me a chance. I’ve only been out of the Air Force about twelve hours. But – by jingo – I’m going to do something. And none of this starting-at-the-bottom-of-the-ladder, pushing-a-pen-in-a-corner business either. This is a time when young men get a chance, and I’m going to take it. You watch.

  MRS C [with mock alarm, though with underlying seriousness]: Don’t tell me you’re going to run away from Newlingham, too!

  ROBIN [grandly]: Oh – well – I don’t know about that yet, Mother. I might make a start here – there’s some money in the place, thanks to some jolly rotten profiteering, and we’re pretty well known here, so that would help – but I don’t guarantee to take root in Newlingham, no fear! Don’t be surprised, Hazel, if I’m in London before you. Or even before you, Kay. And making plenty of money. [To HAZEL] Perhaps more than this tall, good-looking chap of yours will be making.

  CAROL [sharply, pointing]: Hazel will always have plenty of money.

  MRS C [amused]: How do you know, Carol?

  CAROL: I just do. It came over me suddenly then.

  MRS C [still amused]: Well now! I thought I was the prophetic one of the family. I suppose it wouldn’t be fair if I sent my rival to bed.

  CAROL: I should jolly well think it wouldn’t. And I’ll tell you another thing. [Points suddenly at ALAN] Alan’s the happy one.

  ROBIN: Good old Alan!

  ALAN: I – rather think – you’re wrong there, y’know, Carol.

  CAROL: I’m not. I know.

  MRS C: Now I’m not going to have this. I’m the one who knows in this family. Now wait a minute. [Closes her eyes, then half playfully, half seriously] Yes. I see Robin dashing about, making lots of money and becoming very important and helping some of you others. And a very devoted young wife by his side. And Hazel, of course, being very grand. And her husband is tall and quite good-looking, nearly as good-looking as she thinks he is. I believe he comes into a title.