An Inspector Calls and Other Plays

by J. B. Priestley

  PROFESSOR: No, no. But now I can grumble like mad, and they can grumble back at me, and I feel much better about it.

  DINAH [proudly]: Daddy had a blazing row with the man at the bookshop. Didn’t you, Daddy?

  PROFESSOR: Yes, but I thought he won on points. [Catching his wife’s eye] What is it, my dear?

  MRS LINDEN: Well, we’re all here. I think we ought to talk about the money –

  PROFESSOR: What money?

  MRS LINDEN: The endowment insurance. It was your idea. But Rex knows all about it, and perhaps it would be better if he explained to the others.

  REX [to his father]: I think it might, you know.

  PROFESSOR: Well, you’re the financial genius. Not that this needs one.

  REX [specially to JEAN and MARION]: No, it’s as simple as pie. For years and years, ever since we were in the nursery in fact, Dad’s been paying premiums on an endowment insurance. I don’t know how he did it on his princely salary –

  PROFESSOR: There were always extras – royalties on my two or three books – outside examination fees – that sort of thing. But never mind about that.

  REX: All right. The point is – now that he’s sixty-five the money’s due to arrive any moment. And the parents agreed that this was really a family insurance, for all of us to have some share if we needed it. That’s partly why we’re here.

  PROFESSOR [with mild irony]: But we’re quite glad to see you, even as shareholders –

  MRS LINDEN: Now, Robert – this is serious –

  REX: It’s serious you should feel like this. We appreciate it. But apart from that, really it’s all nonsense, you know. This money’s all yours. We don’t want any part of it.

  PROFESSOR: We realize that you don’t, my boy. But there are others.

  REX: Well, let’s see. [To JEAN and MARION] What do you say, girls?

  JEAN: You can count me out. You spent a lot on my education – and the least I can do is to say I don’t need any more money, and of course I don’t.

  MARION: Neither do I. I wouldn’t dream of taking a penny. René and I are better off than you are.

  DINAH [solemnly]: And I could probably manage somehow.

  MRS LINDEN [hastily]: Don’t be absurd, Dinah. We’re not really talking to you.

  DINAH: I don’t see why not. A girl I know –

  PROFESSOR [cutting in, smiling]: Your offer is noted, Miss Linden, but not accepted. We shall be responsible for you for a few years yet, whether you like it or not. [To the others] Now – are you three quite sure? Yes, you of course, Rex. But you two girls –

  JEAN: Of course we are.

  MARION: And you need every penny of it yourselves.

  MRS LINDEN: I knew that is what you’d all say.

  PROFESSOR: Still, you had to be asked.

  JEAN: You’ve your own future to consider. These are your savings – almost all you have – and you’re sixty-five –

  PROFESSOR [rather sharply]: And still in full possession of my faculties, and still Professor of Modern History in the University of Burmanley.

  MARION: Yes, but for how much longer?

  PROFESSOR [again, rather sharply]: Until I decide to resign the Chair.

  [There is a ring at the telephone. DINAH runs to answer it.]

  DINAH [at telephone]: Hello! … What? … Oh, yes he is – just a sec…. [ Turns, holding receiver] It’s for you, Rex. From London.

  REX [as he goes to telephone]: This’ll be Fraser – about the place in Hampshire – you’ll see. [At telephone] Yes – Rex Linden here … I thought he would … probably tomorrow night…. On Monday if he likes…. Yes, I’ll do all that … nice job, Fraser…. ’Bye. [Puts down telephone, turns, smiling.]

  MRS LINDEN [excitedly]: Rex – you’ve bought it?

  REX: I have. Behold the new owner and lord of the manor of Four Elms, Childing, Hants. Four recept., ten bed, four bath – billiard room, sun porch, hard tennis court, croquet lawn, large garden, ten acres, small dairy – and butter for tea. You’re all invited.

  DINAH: Gosh! – that’s marvellous.

  PROFESSOR: But you’ll have to put some furniture and stuff into it.

  MRS LINDEN [excitedly]: No – everything’s there – isn’t it, Rex?

  REX: Ready to walk into – even a man and wife on the premises. It’s a wonderful buy for twenty-five thousand, but I knew the chap would never resist an offer of cash down at once.

  MARION: But it’s wasted on a bachelor. You’ll simply have to get married now, Rex.

  REX: Never. So don’t try putting any of your old girl chums on to me. There’s nothing doing. Incidentally, I don’t propose to live there – only week-ends and holidays and so on. I’m keeping on my flat in Huntingdon House.

  DINAH: You sound so grand. I can’t ever believe you lived here.

  PROFESSOR: This one didn’t. It’s another Rex who lived here.

  JEAN: And perhaps we prefer him.

  MRS LINDEN [still excited]: Now don’t be silly, you two. Rex has done wonderfully well, and I’m proud of him. [Turning to REX] Now listen, darling – this settles it – you know?

  REX: Yes, I think it does.

  PROFESSOR: Settles what?

  MRS LINDEN [gaily]: Shall we tell him? No, we’ll wait a little while.

  DINAH: There’s plotting. I knew there was.

  PROFESSOR: Well, I don’t much like plotting.

  MARION [to MRS LINDEN]: I know. And you might as well tell him now.

  MRS LINDEN [hastily]: No, no, I have a special reason.

  PROFESSOR [lightly but with touch of gravity]: I don’t like the sound of this.

  DINAH: We’re out of it.

  JEAN: Well, don’t look at me. I don’t know what it’s about.

  MRS LINDEN [to REX]: It makes just the difference – and settles everything perfectly.

  PROFESSOR [to JEAN]: It’s no use. Let’s ignore them. Tell me, Dr Linden, what are your impressions of Burmanley after your recent absence from our city?

  JEAN [same manner]: My immediate impression only confirms the opinion I have held for some time about your city – that it should be pulled down and then rebuilt, on some more civilized plan, as soon as possible.

  [The telephone rings. JEAN jumps up.]

  That may be for me. [Goes to telephone.]

  DINAH: It won’t be if you answer it. Somehow it never is.

  JEAN [at telephone]: Yes, yes…. Oh! Yes, she is…. [Turning] For you, Mother. Mr Lockhart.

  [MRS LINDEN rises hastily, going to telephone.]

  PROFESSOR [rising]: Lockhart? That’ll be for me. It must be Alfred Lockhart – of the University.

  JEAN [now returning]: He said Mrs Linden quite distinctly.

  MRS LINDEN: Yes?

  PROFESSOR [uncertainly, still standing]: Oh well – if that’s the case –

  MRS LINDEN [at telephone, eagerly]: Yes, Mr Lockhart…. I see…. You’re certain?

  PROFESSOR [going up and across]: Don’t let him go.

  MRS LINDEN [turning]: What? [To telephone] No, I was speaking to my husband.

  PROFESSOR [firmly]: And I want to speak to him.

  MRS LINDEN [turning]: Now, Robert –

  PROFESSOR [rather grimly]: When you’ve finished, Isabel.

  MRS LINDEN [into telephone]: He wants to speak to you.

  [They look at each other for a moment as he takes the telephone. MRS LINDEN comes away but remains standing, looking rather tense.]

  PROFESSOR [into telephone]: Alfred – I don’t want to know what you’ve been talking about to my wife – that’s your business. But I’m wondering if you’ve anything you’d like me to know…. Never mind being delicate about it, Alfred. We’ve known each other too long for that…. No, I don’t suppose you would choose this way of letting me know, but now I’m asking…. [Now he listens very gravely.] … I see…. No, no, I know that…. But I don’t propose to accept this, you know. No, not for a moment. I’ll see you in the morning…. By the way, was that what you were telling my wife…
. Come on, now…. I thought as much. Well, you’ll see me in the morning, Alfred – and I warn you, the fight’s on. [Puts down the telephone and looks hard at his wife.] Isabel, I don’t like the way that was done. Alfred Lockhart didn’t sound happy about it either. Had you been speaking to him earlier?

  MRS LINDEN: There’s no need – to look and talk like that, Robert. I did have a word with him, because I wanted to know what might happen.

  PROFESSOR: Why?

  MRS LINDEN: Really, Robert – you needn’t take that tone! I wanted to know if possible while the children were here – so that if any arrangements had to be made –

  PROFESSOR [harshly]: The only arrangements that have to be made are quite simple – I’m going to fight this decision by every possible means in my power.

  MRS LINDEN: But why – why?

  PROFESSOR [curtly]: Because there’s work to be done here, and I’m still capable of doing it. [Looks at the others, trying to smile.] I’ve just been told that I shall be asked to resign my Chair. Officially because I’ve reached the official age limit, but we’ve had professors older than I am here for years now. Really, it’s because I’m a nuisance. I’m too free-and-easy. I don’t admire the mass-production and conveyor-belt system of education. I say No when important personages expect to hear Yes. And I propose to go on being a nuisance.

  MARION: But, Dad, it simply isn’t worth it – and if they don’t want you, all right, what does it matter? You’ve done your share.

  MRS LINDEN: Of course he has – more than his share – hanging on for years in this miserable place –

  PROFESSOR [with some warmth]: You talk as if I were choosing a holiday resort. It’s my life we’re discussing. Or rather, we’re not discussing – let’s drop the subject. I’ll go round in the morning, and point out that I still have a few friends round here.

  REX: Now look, Dad –

  PROFESSOR [quietly]: Drop it, Rex. No more, tonight. I’ve had rather a long day, and I don’t want to lose my temper [trying to smile]. Besides, after all, it’s my birthday.

  DINAH [eagerly]: Yes, it is. And I think we ought to play Black Sam. We haven’t played it for years, and this family always used to play Black Sam on all holidays and special occasions.

  MRS LINDEN: Yes, dear, but now that everybody’s grown up –

  JEAN: No. I’d like to play Black Sam again.

  REX: So would I. Though don’t forget I nearly always win.

  DINAH [swiftly]: You used to cheat.

  REX: Certainly. Cheating’s part of it, after the first hour.

  MARION: Have you still got the cards and counters?

  MRS LINDEN: They’re about somewhere – but where, I can’t imagine.

  DINAH: The counters were up in somebody’s bedroom the last time I saw them. Though I can’t imagine why.

  PROFESSOR: I think I know where the cards might be – at the back of one of the drawers in the dining-room.

  DINAH: Well, you look for them, and I’ll find the counters. You lot get the table ready.

  [She goes out with the PROFESSOR, shutting door behind them. REX and MRS LINDEN begin clearing papers and books, etc., off the study table throughout dialogue that follows. MARION and JEAN stand up and give them a hand too.]

  MRS LINDEN: I’m afraid your father’s upset and annoyed – the news coming like that – but it’s a good thing really. I’ll have to talk him round, of course.

  REX: Well, don’t rush him. He’s been here a long time –

  MRS LINDEN [dryly]: Yes – and so have I.

  REX: That’s not the same thing.

  JEAN: No, it isn’t. But you seem to have settled something between you – what is it?

  MRS LINDEN: To leave here at once – and stay with Rex. Your father wouldn’t want to stay in the London flat – but now he needn’t. He can stay in Rex’s country house until perhaps later on, when we find some little place of our own quite near.

  JEAN: And what about Dinah?

  REX: D’you know, I’d clean forgotten about young Dinah.

  MRS LINDEN: I hadn’t. Dinah can stay on here in Burmanley until the end of the summer term – I know several people who’d be glad to let her have a room – and then she’d better try for Oxford or Cambridge, unless she decides to go to the Royal College of Music. And of course she’ll be with us during part of her vacations, at least.

  MARION: Well, it all sounds quite sensible to me. Though of course you must come and stay with us sometimes.

  MRS LINDEN: Once we’ve left this wretched place, we can.

  MARION: You’ve always hated it here, haven’t you?

  MRS LINDEN: Always – always. I ought to have made your father leave, years ago. He had several good opportunities. But then the war came – and it didn’t seem worth while going then. But now Burmanley’s finished with us – and we’re done with Burmanley. This time I really mean it.

  MARION: Don’t weaken on that, Mother.

  MRS LINDEN: Don’t worry. I shan’t. I’m getting older too – I’m nearly fifty-nine – sixty soon – and I refuse to live any longer like this. It isn’t living. It hasn’t been for years. Shabby, boring, dismal. What is there here for me now?

  MARION: Nothing – so far as I can see.

  MRS LINDEN: Rex agrees with me – don’t you, darling?

  REX: Absolutely. Pack it up, I say, and come and enjoy yourself while there’s still time. And you leave it to me, Mother.

  [He winks at her and she smiles at him fondly. JEAN is looking gravely thoughtful. MRS LINDEN notices this.]

  MRS LINDEN: Well, Jean? You agree, don’t you?

  JEAN [slowly]: I don’t know. I really don’t know.

  MRS LINDEN: That’s not like you.

  MARION: No, Jean usually knows it all – right off – bang!

  JEAN [sharply]: Well, tonight for once, I don’t. And it worries me. So just leave me out of it.

  MRS LINDEN [sharply]: If it’s your father you’re thinking about, I’m just as anxious to get away for his sake as I am for my own. He’s getting on – he’s tired – most of his friends have gone –

  MARION: And if his students are anything like the two specimens I saw here tonight, then they’re not worth bothering about –

  MRS LINDEN: And the University doesn’t even want him here any longer – [specially to JEAN] – so there you are.

  JEAN: I’m not arguing against you.

  MRS LINDEN: No, but you’re looking as if you might like to – as if – as if something was wrong, though you didn’t quite know what.

  JEAN: I’ve told you – this is one night when I don’t find it easy to make up my mind – so leave me out of it.

  REX [who has been busy setting the table]: Well, that’s all set. Dinah’s right. What the Linden family needs is an hour or two of Black Sam – cheating and all. Where are these cards and counters? [He begins to take one or two upright chairs to the table.

  [DINAH now enters, carrying a box of counters, closing door behind her. She moves slowly and looks distressed.]

  Well, here are the counters, eh?

  DINAH: Yes.

  MARION: Can’t Father find the cards?

  DINAH [tonelessly]: Yes, he’s found them.

  REX: What’s the matter?

  DINAH [her face working, distressed]: I peeped into the dining-room as I came past. He didn’t see me. He was just standing, holding the cards, staring at nothing. [She gives a little sob. More distressed now.] It was just as if I hadn’t noticed him properly before. Suddenly – he looked so old – and tired – and so much by himself – as if everything was wrong and nobody cared – that I couldn’t bear it – [She gives a sob.]

  MRS LINDEN [soothingly]: Now, Dinah –

  DINAH [urgently]: It isn’t Now Dinah at all. Nothing to do with it.

  MRS LINDEN [sharper now]: Now don’t be stupid –

  DINAH: I’m not being stupid. [Looking at them, slowly] He’s so sweet – and it’s his birthday – and he was so pleased when he knew everybody was c
oming – [with sudden anger] and you’re all whispering and plotting – and it seems so bloody mean –

  MRS LINDEN [angrily]: Dinah, I won’t have you talking like that.

  JEAN [very sharply]: Why shouldn’t she if she feels like that?

  MRS LINDEN: Please mind your own business, Jean.

  JEAN [crossing to DINAH, who is crying]: This is my business.

  [Puts her arms round DINAH, who collapses against her.]

  All right, Dinah darling. You’ve said it now. All over.

  DINAH [muffled against JEAN]: I’m sorry. I don’t know why I said it. But it was seeing him like that.

  REX [at table]: Look – turn this up, everybody. He’ll be back any moment. Snap out of it, Dinah. Let’s have the counters.

  [She gives them to him, and he pours them on the table, preparing to count them into heaps. With loud cheerful tone]

  Do you remember that time up in Cumberland when the farmer came in from next door and we made him play Black Sam with us?

  DINAH [eagerly]: I can remember that, though I was too little to play. He had a huge whiskery sort of nose –

  REX [chuckling]: He was left with Black Sam every time –

  MARION [eagerly]: And he was so furious – do you remember, Jean?

  JEAN [beginning to laugh]: Yes, what did he use to say?

  REX [quoting, in Northern accent]: ‘Well, lay me aht an’ bury me, Ah’ve got dom’ thing again –’

  DINAH [laughing]: And then something happened to his collar, didn’t it?

  JEAN [laughing]: Yes – yes – it suddenly popped –

  MARION [laughing]: I know – I nearly died – the stud went –

  REX [quoting again, uproariously]: And he said ‘Sitha, tha’s Black Sammed me clean aht o’ me collar –

  [As they laugh, in the way families do at their special jokes, PROFESSOR enters, carrying box of playing cards. He lights up when he hears their laughter, which is reminiscent of their young days.]

  PROFESSOR [smiling]: What’s the joke?

  REX [still laughing]: That time – up in Cumberland – when the farmer played Black Sam –

  PROFESSOR [beginning to laugh]: Oh yes – Joe Sykes – and he burst out of his collar – and he swore to me afterwards that you were all cheating –

  REX [laughing harder than ever]: But I was – I was –