"And how do you feel about that?"
"I'm not even supposed to know it, okay? They told me she was gone. I guess they were too ashamed to tell me she was a . . . that she killed someone. They wanted me to think she was dead. But she isn't. She's in the state penitentiary. I heard my grandmother tell someone. Like everyone knows it except me!"
Despite herself, a fat tear trickled down her cheek. She didn't even have to fake it, she realized. She felt another tear slide down and she rubbed at it with her fist.
"It's okay to cry, Maddie." Doc leaned across his desk and offered her a box of Kleenex. She took one, but kept it wadded in her fist. She didn't plan on making a habit of blubbering.
"So, you're mad at your mother for deserting you?"
She shrugged. "Like I said, I don't even remember her. Besides, she gave me up. Who needs a mother who's a murderer, anyway?"
"Hmmm," Doc said, leaning back and swiveling a little in his chair. "How about your father? Why are you so mad at him?"
"Because!" she said, sounding more hysterical than she'd intended. "He doesn't care about me. He doesn't know anything!"
"What doesn't he know, Madeline? Hmmm?"
"Nothing." She felt herself clamming shut. She'd revealed enough for one day. Let the doctor go probe someone else for awhile.
"What doesn't he know? Do you remember?"
Maddie shook her head, feeling the tears threaten again.
"You know we talked about hypnosis. It can help you remember the things you're blocking out. Once you remember things, it's easier to talk about them, easier to get through them. That's what we need to do here, I think."
Maddie was shaking her head. "I don't want to."
"To what? Remember?"
"To be hypnotized."
"There's nothing to be afraid of, Maddie. It's absolutely safe. You feel safe with me, don't you?"
No! she wanted to scream. But she couldn't. It was like having to choose between two horrible options. She didn't want to talk about the truth, but she couldn't afford to have Doc hypnotize her, either. She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
"My grandfather," she whispered. It was so soft, she wasn't sure he heard her.
"Go on, Madeline."
For several moments, which felt to her like an hour, they sat in silence. But her mind wasn't silent. Terrible scenes replayed themselves and without knowing it, she started to cry again. She didn't attempt to wipe the tears away this time. She let them fall, giving into the sobs that came up from the depths of her being and racked her body. She buried her head in her lap and cried for what seemed like hours. Finally, she looked up, her tear-streaked face red and anguished.
"He abused me," she said, the words nearly choking her as she sobbed. "He abused me and they didn't stop him." This time, she felt herself crumple onto the ground, and buried her head in her arms, crying her heart out.
"There, there," she heard him say and was shocked to find that he'd come to sit beside her on the carpet. He patted her head like she was a dog and for a minute it was almost comforting, but then she remembered not to trust him and she pulled away. Doc nodded, like he understood how she might not want him to touch her and he got up and went back to his chair.
"That was a very brave thing you just did, you know that? It must have been very difficult for you."
She nodded, still hiccupping a little, so exhausted she could barely keep her eyes open.
"We'll talk about this some more, later. I'll bet you're tired, hmmm?"
Maddie nodded. She felt like she was half-asleep already.
"Sometimes, when a person's been holding things in for a long time, letting them go takes every ounce of strength they have. You're a very strong girl, Madeline. I know right now it's hard to believe, but you're going to feel better after you rest a little. Would you like to lie down in the nurse's office for a little while before dinner?"
She nodded, unable even to form words. He stood up and she followed him out of the office, blindly putting one foot in front of the other. She wasn't sure it was worth it, she thought, lying down on the hard plastic couch. It had cost a lot to avoid being hypnotized by Dr. Biscane.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Jo and I spent an hour making a list and rehashing our plan, carefully avoiding too much eye contact, let alone physical contact. Once we'd exhausted every detail, we decided to raid the tack room while the cowhands were at dinner. I opened the door and was surprised to find Gracie Apodaca walking up the path.
"What happened? Where's Maddie?"
"She didn't come to the stable today. Apparently she had a therapy session scheduled."
"Damn. Is she still there?"
"Nope. Safe and sound in the mess hall with the others. But I can't very well charge in there and kidnap her. I'm afraid we'll have to wait until tomorrow. At least that'll give me a chance to set things up a little better. And I can join you and Jo tonight."
It was tempting to take her along. But if something happened to us, who would watch out for Maddie? Before I could make this point, Gracie cut me off.
"I can cover your back," she said. "When you and Jo take off, I'll watch to make sure no one comes after. If someone does come along, I'll run interference. It'll be safer all around."
"It's a good idea," Jo said, standing in the doorway. "You never know when someone's going to go for an evening ride."
"Okay," I agreed. I'd have felt better knowing that Gracie and Maddie were halfway to Portsmith Grove by now, but as long as Maddie was in a group, she should be safe. Doc's concern about Maddie had not seemed unduly urgent. If she'd gone this long unquestioned, another night shouldn't matter.
"Maybe Jo and I should make ourselves seen in public while you find the stuff we'll need for the climb," I said. "It's probably best if you're not seen with us."
"Understood. Now's a good time. The ranch hands are all at dinner."
I told Gracie what equipment I thought we'd need and she and Jo discussed the best places to look. After Gracie walked off toward the stables, Jo and I headed for the mess hall.
At dinner, we put on just enough of a show to catch my colleagues' attention, without drawing the curiosity of the few students who still remained at their tables. The play-acting was almost painful. Just being near Jo made me want to take her in my arms. But she was still seething and I didn't know if it was because of the way I'd acted that morning, or because of her feelings about Doc and Clutch. Most of the teaching staff were dawdling over coffee and desert at a large table near the far wall, but Jo and I chose a private table on the other side of the room where the ranch hands were sitting. Our entrance appeared to be well noticed. Jo put her hand on my arm a few times, letting it linger and though I knew it was for show, the effect this had on me was disturbingly erotic. Coach folded his arms across his chest and smirked at me across the mess hall. Pat, who was supervising cleanup behind the counters, waved at us, then to my surprise, winked. I saw Doc say something to Ida who leaned over and whispered to Clutch. Clutch shrugged and continued shoveling pie into his mouth, though I did see him sneak a peek in our direction. When I brushed my own hand across Jo's cheek in a show of intimacy, Lacy Godfrey's curiosity got the better of her and she actually came across the room to sit down at our table. Only after Jo greeted her did Lacy seem to realize that Jo was a woman, and then her face turned pink and she openly stared.
"Lacy, you know Jo, don't you? Works with the horses."
"I'm not much of a horse enthusiast," she said. "I guess I've seen you around, though."
"Glad to meet you," Jo said, reaching across the table to shake Lacy's hand. Lacy seemed almost afraid to touch Jo's hand, finally offering a limp handshake.
"Jo's what they call a horse whisperer," I said.
"No kidding." Lacy must have thought this was an exotic term for a lesbian because she blushed again and moved back in her chair. I could tell she was having a hard time figuring out what I was doing with a woman who dressed like a cowboy. She kept
looking from Jo to me, clearly confused. "I've been wondering where you've been hiding out," she finally managed, seeming to put two and two together at last.
"Jo's been showing me around. Aren't you eating?"
"Oh, I've finished. I just stopped by to say hello. It was nice meeting you, uh, Jo?"
"Nice meeting you, too." Jo graced Lacy with one of her enigmatic smiles and Lacy practically tripped over her chair standing up to leave.
"I believe we've accomplished our goal," Jo said, finally breaking into a grin. We watched as most of the staff got up from their table and bussed their trays.
"I'd say the rumor mill will be buzzing tonight. Wonder if I'll get a lecture from Ida on appropriate decorum in front of the children," I said.
"I don't know. I couldn't tell if she looked more stunned or amused. Doc didn't seem surprised, though. He's known I was gay since I was fifteen. The first person I ever told, actually."
"I know how hard this must be for you, finding out he might not be the upstanding citizen you've always thought."
Jo leaned forward, resting her elbows on the table. Her eyes sparked with emotion. "First off, we don't know that for a fact."
"Okay, okay," I conceded, holding up my hands.
"But if you're right," she went on, "if those things really are what you say they are, then there must be a good explanation for it. Clutch and Ida talked back then about the value of doing a good, honest day's work and I bought into it. I still believe in it. This camp changed my life. If those really are guns, then I want to know what they're doing with them. And I want to know who's behind it."
"Even if it includes Doc?" I asked.
Jo shot me a warning glance. Her jaw was firmly clenched.
"Even if he's not involved," I said, "what we find out could change everything. You know that, right? I mean the camp could be shut down."
Slowly, Jo nodded. "I still hope you're wrong," she said. "But if you're not, I mean, if something bad is happening here, then I'll do what I have to."
I looked at her. Her eyes were as still as deep water and regarded me with conviction. I wanted to tell her then and there that I was sorry about my cowardice that morning. That I was sorry about running out on her when all I really wanted to do was wrap her in my arms. That even if I had reasons to be wary of love, one night with her was enough reason to throw caution to the wind. I wanted, more than anything, to take her in my arms and hold her. But before I could do any of that, Jo pushed back her chair and stood up.
"Come on. Let's do this before I change my mind."
We stopped at my cabin and right away, I knew someone had been inside. Before I'd left, I'd done the old some-thing-on-the-door trick. I'd placed a pine needle on the top edge of the door, knowing that as soon as the door was opened, the needle would fall. The pine needle was sitting on the welcome mat.
"Wait here," I said, gently pushing open the door. The little cabin was empty, but not undisturbed. I walked the perimeter of the room, checking my rushed attempts at intruder detection. I'd placed a hair from my brush on top of the PowerBook before I'd gone to Jo's. Not only was the hair gone, the PowerBook was missing.
I rushed to the chest of drawers and checked behind them. My gun and cell phone were still securely taped to their respective drawers. It was clear that someone had riffled through my drawers and no doubt looked under the mattress and in the cupboards but I knew they hadn't found anything incriminating. Unless they knew how to retrieve the files I'd erased from my hard drive before I'd come to camp, I probably still had some time. If they did retrieve them, it wouldn't be difficult to figure out that I worked as a P.I.
I slipped on my shoulder holster and pulled on a jacket to conceal it, putting the cell phone into my pocket before joining Jo on the porch.
"Everything okay?" she asked.
"Someone borrowed my computer. I erased most of my files, so I should be okay."
"I thought Doc told Ben not to worry," she said, sounding suddenly worried herself.
"Yeah, well. Little brother didn't seem to listen. I'm betting he sent Coach to check things out. Come on. I get the feeling we're being watched and it's not just idle curiosity about our romance."
Jo and I walked past the parade grounds where the evening's activities included a team-building game called Trust. Nurse Beckett was running the game and a few of the other staff members were on hand to supervise. We watched for a minute as blindfolded teens leaned back, allowing their bodies to fall backwards into the joined arms of two other students who kept them from hitting the ground. I spotted Ida watching us and before she could wave me over, I nudged Jo forward.
It was just as well that we'd been seen, I figured. As long as everyone thought I was preoccupied with Jo, they wouldn't worry about what else I might be up to. At least that's what I hoped.
Back inside Jo's cabin, we saw Gracie had been productive. She'd pulled a blanket over a suspicious-looking mound on Jo's bed, under which was piled the equipment we'd requested. She'd found flashlights, ropes, a short-handled axe, a box of metal stakes, leather gloves and a shovel. Best yet, she'd even brought a leather saddlebag and a nylon backpack.
Jo stood at the window and kept a lookout for visitors as I organized the equipment. I'd done a little rock climbing and knew what we had was hardly sufficient for a difficult climb. But it would have to do. When there was nothing left to do but wait, Jo and I went out on the porch and she brought her guitar.
"You haven't asked for your song, yet," she reminded me.
This caught me by surprise. I'd almost forgotten the comment I'd made in jest, just before I'd taken Jo into my cabin.
"Huh. So you want to hear it, or not?" She'd starting picking out notes, gently strumming.
"Please."
She cleared her throat, strummed a few more times, then began to sing. Her voice was surprisingly good. Both husky and melodic. Her eyes were closed as she sang, her fingers deftly moving across the strings. The tune was a little melancholy, I thought, until she reached the refrain which was upbeat and strangely uplifting.
You reached right in and pulled me down Now, I don't want to get up again cause you reached right in and showed me how to love again, to love again
You took me up so high, so fast I'm a little afraid to look down again afraid to fall so far, so fast to fall, to fall in love again
She sang the song all the way through and when she finished, she opened her eyes. I wasn't surprised to see tears in them. I felt tears in my own.
"That's beautiful," I said. "It's perfect."
"You think?"
"I do." I felt myself starting to choke up. "I'm sorry I was such a jerk this morning. I was afraid."
She strummed her guitar a few times, then quit. "But not now?"
I could see her eyes in the moonlight and they were serious.
"Now I'm even more afraid."
"Of me?"
"Of the way I feel. I'm hoping it will pass."
"The way you feel?"
"No. The fear. I'm working on it."
She laughed and began strumming her guitar again, this time playing another song she'd written about riding in the wind.
I'd never known anyone like her, I realized. She was completely guileless, unpretentious, and though intriguing, uncomplicated. What you saw was what you got. She had boyish charm and surprising grace, sophisticated taste and simple wants. She made love with unparalleled abandon, yet was shy and gentle, too. I had never been so taken with anyone so unexpectedly. She wasn't even my type, I told myself. But I didn't care. She wasn't like Diane, or like Erica or Maggie. I'd been drawn to more polished women — professors, psychologists and writers. Here I was, head over heels in love with a cowgirl. I couldn't help laughing at the image and Jo stopped playing.
"What?"
"Nothing. Keep playing, please. I just realized something, that's all."
"What?"
"I realized that right now I feel happier than I've felt in a long, long time."
> "This is good, right?"
"This is good. Play."
She did, and the time rushed by as we waited for midnight to fall.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Madeline
It had been a full week since her escape and she was so nervous, she could hardly sit still. She had another session with Doc which cut right into her free time with Shadow Dancer — the only thing that seemed to relax her. He'd let her brush him yesterday and Clutch said they'd been breaking him in and he'd be ready for her to ride in no time. She thought about that sadly, knowing she'd never get the chance, while she waited for Doc to come get her.
"Good afternoon, Madeline. How are you today, hmmm?"
"Okay."
"How do you feel after what we discussed last time?"
"Okay."
He chuckled. "I think we need to discuss your feelings toward your mother, again."
"My mother? Why? What's she got to do with anything? I don't even remember her."
"You were how old when she was arrested? Four years old? I'm sure you have some memories of her. They're just buried that's all. I think it's important we unbury them."
"Why? I don't want to remember her." Which wasn't entirely true. She'd tried many times to capture the image that sometimes drifted across her mind. The image of long black hair, loving eyes, a warm embrace. She'd dreamed the image off and on, but awake, it was nothing more than a shadow. Sometimes, she thought she caught a glimpse of that shadow in the mirror.
"What are you thinking, Madeline?"
"Why do you care about my mother all of the sudden?"
"We can talk of other things, then, if you'd rather. Sooner or later, we'll get through it all. Your grandfather's abuse, your father's failure to recognize and stop what was happening, your mother's abandonment. Sometimes, it helps to start at the beginning. But it's your choice."
She was not ready to trudge through the whole abuse thing right now. It was too painful. She looked at the clock on the wall. They still had a full forty minutes to go. Maddie squirmed in her seat.
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