The Supervillainy Saga (Book 7): The Horror of Supervillainy

by Phipps, C. T.

  “Wait, Cindy has a Primal Orb too?” I asked, wondering where the hell she’d gotten that. It’s not like they could be picked up at the local UltraMart.

  Mandy grimaced, clearly having said too much. “Maybe?”

  Wow, this was turning into the easiest epic quest ever. This was like Frodo and Sam getting the Eagles to take them to Mount Doom like every fourteen-year-old reader suggested. Mind you, that would just mean Sauron would get it that much faster since it was unlikely that he’d miss them with his all-seeing eye, but that was a whole other argument. Four Primal Orbs were within my possession or in the hands of allies. Just four to go.

  “In any case,” I took a deep breath. “It’s good to see you, Mandy. Please come back home.”

  “You don’t want me around your kids, Gary,” Mandy said, flatly.

  “Of course I do,” I replied.

  Mandy and I had only one subject that we’d ever disagreed on, which was the subject of children. I’d wanted them, she didn’t. Only later in life had I discovered that was because Mandy had a daughter back when her father was a Foundation for World Harmony agent attached to the Londonium embassy. It had been a teenage pregnancy and she’d given her daughter up for adoption. It had left a profound scar on her soul and, furthermore, had compounded when time travel had wiped her child from existence. Mandy had never wanted to go through that experience again and still was cagey around children.

  Mandy sunk her shoulders. “Gary, we’ve both changed. You’re engaged. You love Cindy. Would you really choose to give all that up for me?”

  “I do love Cindy and we have changed,” I said, taking a deep breath. “Maybe you’re the demon soul of Mandy. Maybe I’m a psychotic supervillain with delusions of grandeur. But I think you know that it was always you. It will always be you.”

  Wow, that was something I could not walk back. I didn’t want to, either.

  “Gary…” Mandy trailed off.

  “Yeah, that’s my name,” I said, not sure what this meant for any of us.

  “Screw it,” Mandy said, grabbing me by the shoulders and kissing me.

  I kissed back and we fell back into the cabin. Mandy and I made love on the same bed where she’d fed on me, but I was more responsive this time around. She nibbled on my neck but didn’t fully bite, perhaps because feeding on someone twice in one day was likely to kill them. I was feeling significantly more recovered, but I was glad she didn’t risk it. Instead, I was more interested in kissing her all over and holding her in my arms after what had seemed like a lifetime. Her mouth tasted of blood and while that wasn’t exactly a turn on, I didn’t care.

  I didn’t know how long we spent there but it was at least a two-rounder and I enjoyed holding her in my arms between sessions. I’d missed my wife so much and a part of me couldn’t help but wonder if this was yet another trick by one of my enemies. Was Destruction screwing with me from outside the universe? Would it end up being a Mandy replidroid? Had I just conjured her with the Primal Orbs?

  I didn’t care.

  This was going to be a big twist in my life. I’d confessed that I loved Mandy more than Gabrielle and always would. It was like cheating and I hated myself for it. Gabrielle deserved better than to be anyone’s second pick. Hell, so did Cindy, though our relationship had always been different than mine with Mandy (or Gabrielle). She was my best friend and family in the same inseverable way. Yet, Cindy had lied to me and kept this entire enterprise secret. I needed to talk to her with that. I needed to talk with Gabrielle. To set things right.

  I had no idea how this was going to go, or what would happen when I fixed the universe with the Primal Orbs, but I had this moment now. As I lay there, both of us naked under the sheets, I realized that it didn’t matter whether I was a supervillain or a superhero. All that mattered was that I protected and cared for those I loved. Everything else was secondary. The world could look after itself.

  That was when an enormous bear-sized red wolf jumped onto the bed.

  “Gah!”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Where I Finally Start Getting Some Answers

  An enormous red wolf, about the size of the wargs in The Lord of the Rings, plopped itself on top of both me and Mandy. The bed collapsed beneath us and we were trapped beneath its enormous paws as well as slavering jaws. The beast’s fur was bright red, even brighter than the kind found in the woods, and her eyes were an enormous yellow. That was when it opened its mouth, its breath reeking of fresh blood, and stuck out its massive tongue. That was when it licked me and Mandy both.

  “Ah! Dog lick!” I said, covering my face.

  That was when the enormous red wolf transformed into Cindy. She was noticeably not wearing any clothes and it was something that immediately caused me to become conscious of my own lack of attire as well as Mandy’s. It was also noticeably affected when Cindy planted a big old wet kiss on Mandy, who returned it.

  “Really, Gary?” Jane said—thankfully dressed—at the front door. “You just have to be a guy about these things, don’t you?”

  “Oh like you don’t write all manner of guy-on-guy fanfiction,” I replied. “I bet you have a huge collection of Supernatural and Vampire Diaries stories.”

  Jane’s eyes widened. “How the hell did you know that?”

  “Just guessing,” I replied, smiling. “Why do you have supernatural dramas on your world when the supernatural is real?”

  Jane narrowed her eyes. “I dunno, why do we have cop shows on both our worlds?”

  She had a point there. “Hey Cindy.”

  “Hi Gary. Sorry for jumping on you while you were in bed. Canine instincts. I’m also required to sleep on top of you and push you of the bed simultaneously.” Cindy got up and waved her hand, before shouting. “Costume! Costume! Costume!”

  This resulted in her getting her magical outfit.

  “You’re really password protecting this omnipotent magical power network you’ve built,” Jane replied.

  “I should probably change the invocation for Wish spells from password,” I replied, smiling before getting out of the bed myself. I snapped my fingers and once more was dressed in the Reaper’s Cloak. I also smelled like my favorite shampoo and was completely clean. Which was important after physical exertion and nearly getting killed.

  Mandy pulled up her covers and smiled. “Hello, Cindy. I probably should have told you Gary was awake.”

  “Ya think?” Cindy asked. “It seems you two are reconciling despite all the murder attempts, possession, and necromancy between you.”

  “That’s just marriage,” Mandy said before immediately stopping. A pained look passed on her face and it was echoed in mine.

  Yeah, marriage. Our marriage had ended with the “till death do you part” section of our wedding vows. It had been years since Mandy had considered me her husband and I’d considered her my wife. There’d even been confusion over our status when we were living together, and she was possessed. Mind you, that had included a prison stay in an underground fortress and Cindy living with us, but my life was weird like that. Mandy technically remembered being married to my future self for about two hundred years, which put another weird spin on our relationship. Why couldn’t we be a normal couple like reincarnating eagle people or President Android John and his bride from the future? Yes, that was sarcasm.

  “So, this is your secret,” I replied. “You’ve been running a secret paramilitary training camp for future horror movie protagonists.”

  “Yep,” Cindy said. “I didn’t want to tell you because I knew you’d go running right to Gabrielle.”

  “I would not have,” I said, hoping to talk to her about the fact that Dracula was somewhere nearby. Also, we’d killed Sheriff Injustice’s daughter. As cowardly as the alien redneck had been in abandoning Missy in her hour of greatest need, I suspected he’d take that personally.

  “Would so,” Cindy said. “I know you, Gary. You don’t operate well without people around you. As much as you love us, you’ve
been on a kick of being the good guy for the past two years. It’s alienated all of your friends and left you isolated.”

  “Clearly, you’re in denial of reality.” I shook my head, disregarding her armchair psychology. “This is like that time in high school you insisted you were Deborah Harry’s daughter that she gave up to hide from ninjas.”

  Cindy narrowed her eyes. “There’s no way you can prove that’s not true.”

  I stared at her. “The fact that you’re ninety-nine-point-ninety-nine percent conclusively your mother’s daughter according to the DNA tests you keep doing every month.”

  Cindy looked to one side as if I’d told her there was no Jewish Santa. “DNA can be altered. Clearly, Blondie’s frontwoman is doing her best to deny our relationship.”

  I sighed. “This is why we have restraining orders from half of Hollywood.”

  Cindy snorted. “I’m sorry, this from the guy who claimed he was dating a time-traveling teenage Pat Benatar at age sixteen.”

  “That was true,” I said. “She left our galaxy via her mutant teleportation powers.”

  Jane stared at us both. “You know the worst part? I know each and every issue you’re referencing. The celebrity crossover issues of Amazing! comics were pretty awful. Wait, does this mean the Back Street Boys vs. Insync issues in the Nineties are canon?”

  Cindy said, “Space Christ Timberlake could beat all of the others up with his superpowers.”

  Jane blinked. “You know, I believe that. What can Britney do?”

  “Anything she wants as Galaxy Empress,” I replied. “In any case, I’m glad you two have reunited and are doing a team-up.”

  I pulled out my cellphone and turned on Lzzy Hale’s “Daughters of Darkness” as background music.

  “The thing is,” I continued. “I’m kind of on a mission here to save the multiverse for our daughters.”

  “Your daughters,” Mandy muttered.

  “Our family,” I corrected, wondering how Gabrielle was going to react to all this. Being someone literally powered by the Sun and cosmic energy, she hated vampires. I also didn’t think she was going to accept my wanting to renew what I’d had with Mandy. That was assuming Mandy wanted to. I had to break things off with Gabrielle and that was going to be hard on Mindy. I wondered if Mandy knew that I’d named my daughter with Gabrielle after her and Cindy.

  “Yeah,” Cindy said, pointing to a raven sitting above the doorway to the cabin. “Heckle and Jekyll here told us all about it. You’re also supposed to rescue the president’s daughter so he can be famous again. You know, even though President Trust got beaten by Nathaniel Hawthorne in the election.”

  “Hawthorne’s only president-elect,” David said, sitting up there. “I don’t care what your politics are, rescuing a princess or First Daughter is still a way to get back into the superhero game. The Nightwalker and I rescued Lyndon Johnson’s daughters like five times. Man, did PHANTOM really not like that guy.”

  I looked up at the bird. “You weren’t watching the whole time, were you?”

  David raised his beak in the air. “As if I would want to watch your disgusting mammalian perversions.”

  He then conjured a tiny bag of popcorn from seemingly nowhere and used his beak to put a piece in his mouth.

  “Right,” I replied. I was really going to have to have words with that bird.

  “Dracula has conjured his castle in the middle of Satan’s Swamp in order to take full advantage of the magical energies around here,” Cindy said. “I don’t know what he’s doing, and I wasn’t about to endanger the camp by launching a full-scale assault, but there’s apparently a small army of Infamy cultists as well as alternate universe baddies gathered around the place. I had to fight Franken-Cindy a few days back.”

  “Franken-Cindy?” I asked.

  “Yeah, patchwork golem me with bolts in her neck,” Cindy said. “I took her down, though.”

  “Aw, but what if she was a poor and misunderstood golem that just needed love?” I asked. “Maybe not realizing some guys and gals are into scars!”

  “Don’t make this weirder with your fetishes, Gary,” Cindy said. “I’m the one assembling the weird harem of cute monster lovers.”

  “I think technically all of us are,” I replied. “We’ve got a werewolf, vampire, and grim reaper. Now all we need is a mummy and ghost to do our own Halloween cereal line. I need to text Kerri and see if she’d be up for that.”

  “Excuse me, Dracula conjured his castle?” Jane asked.

  “Dracula carries around his castle with him,” I replied, trying to figure out how to best explain it. “He used to rule the country of High Carpathia, but the Aeon Society eventually drove him out of it and brought the liberating joys of democracy to the nation. As I understand it, they’re on their sixth civil war since. Dracula just keeps his castle in an alternate dimension until he needs it then pops it out wherever, complete with undead horde and ghostly followers. I understand the castle can also move between time and space on its own.”

  “It’s a little between Castlevania and Count Duckula,” Mandy said from the bed. “I tried joining the guy when I was evil, but it turns out a guy from the fourteenth century doesn’t have the most enlightened views about women. You’re either a bride or a problem to him.”

  I was surprised that Mandy had ever tried to associate with a dedicated supervillain like Dracula, especially since her evil side had been of the antihero “I want to kill and eat criminals” type. That was part of what made her accusation against Gabrielle so strange. Still, this was good information as it helped clarify where we were on finding the remaining Primal Orbs. “Call me crazy but by the Law of Narrative Convenience, I’m pretty sure that Dracula has to have the remaining four Primal Orbs as well as the president’s daughter.”

  “Four orbs?” Cindy asked, looking at Mandy. “Has someone been sharing state secrets during pillow talk?”

  Mandy looked abashed. I didn’t know vampires could blush. It was also a reminder that Cindy was hiding things from me.

  “You need to attack the castle directly!” David said, sounding pleading. “Who knows what’s happening to that poor, beautiful, blonde girl who is our meal ticket to who knows how many interviews! If we rescue her, my comeback is secured. I’m talking Dancing with the Stars and book deals!”

  “You’re a bird, you only dance during mating,” I said. “Cindy, I need to talk with you in private.”

  “Please tell me you’re not stepping out to have sex,” Jane muttered.

  “Oh please, Jane, I wouldn’t leave if I wanted to have sex,” Cindy said. “The benefit of being a polyamorous, bisexual werewolf—”

  “Lalalala,” Jane said, covering her ears. We really had established that brother-sister dynamic which transcended time and space.

  I gestured to the door and walked out with Cindy. The two of us then headed behind the cabin where there was, thankfully, no one to listen in. “Yes, Mandy told me about you having the Life Orb. Also, that you’ve been keeping me out because you’re afraid of Gabrielle.”

  “You are just too loyal—” Cindy started to say.

  “Bullcrap,” I interrupted.

  Cindy blinked. “Gary—”

  “I’m sorry, you’ve clearly forgotten that I only pretend to be an idiot on TV,” I said. “I’m actually quite shrewd.”

  “No one thinks you’re an idiot, Gary,” Cindy said.

  “If that were true then Entropicus would rule the multiverse,” I said. “Being underestimated is about the only reason I’ve survived as long as I have. Nevertheless, I would like to think you could be honest with your live-in partner who you won’t marry.”

  Cindy rolled her eyes. “Gary, if I married you then I’d be lying to you more than any other person. Marriage is a free license to abuse your partner.”

  Yeah, Cindy had some issues with the institution of marriage. Could you tell. “What’s really going on?”

  Cindy was still clinging to her cover story. �
��Why do you think—”

  “Because you love Gabrielle,” I replied. “She’s your best friend. Mandy hates Gabrielle, so I’m certain she believes the reason you told her to keep me out of this. Mandy never forgave Gabrielle for brainwashing me in college and breaking my heart even if it led to our relationship. She always felt Ultragoddess loomed over us despite the fact I loved her, Mandy, with all my heart. You, however, pledged your undying devotion to Gabby at the Eternity Tournament.”

  Cindy sighed. “Stupid love confession. Who knew completely straight superheroes existed?”

  “Certainly not me,” I replied. “But we agreed not to talk about my love of Ewan McGregor. Besides, that’s only if we somehow become cellmates in the future.”

  Cindy snorted. “Okay, maybe the reason I kept you out of this isn’t because I’m afraid Gabrielle is secretly evil.”

  “No kidding,” I said.

  “But she is an antihero,” Cindy said. “Which you have problems with but most of us don’t care about.”

  I narrowed my eyes. “Cindy, tell the truth.”

  Cindy threw up her arms. “Fine, Gary. You want to know why I kept this from you? I wanted something for me! I’ve been called your sidekick, your henchwoman—”

  “Henchwench,” I added.

  “Henchperson!” Cindy said. “They think I’m just your girlfriend and baby mama. I’m more! I’m a doctor, not a prostitute, goddammit! I need to have my own career as a supervillain! One that will shake the heavens and show just how far I can go. I am going to break the glass ceiling for supervillains everywhere. There’s never been a woman archvillain and I will be the first!”

  “There’s been like a dozen: Morgan Le Fey, Circe, Baba Yaga, Tiamat-Abaddon, the Nightmistress, Doctor Madness, like all of Guinevere’s rogues in fact—”