Worthy of Me

by Ramnath, Yajna

  So the night before the baby was born, I sat at the table in the nursery looking over our large front yard and watching the moon shine through the trees and into the house—I wrote my final entry into my journal. And not just any entry it was a letter. A letter that helped me welcome my baby girl into the world. A letter that changed my life and allowed me to get closure to be with my family. Forever.

  ***

  Dear Mom and Dad

  I’ve had so many questions for you. Like why did dad leave home? Why did mom prefer to die than to live for me? Why didn’t dad save me from mom’s drinking and abuse? Why didn’t dad support my dreams? Why did mom hurt me over and over again without any remorse? Why didn’t mom see that no matter how hard she hurt me, I never left like dad did? Why didn’t I matter enough to my parents for them to put me first? Was I not worthy enough?

  But as time passed and the pain cut deeper, I realised I didn’t need these answers. I didn’t want to get hurt all over again by the people who were supposed to protect me. Hell, even animals did whatever they could to protect their young—my parents preferred to treat me as one of those animals.

  It sounds harsh but it is true.

  You see, mom and dad, whether you got bored with your marriage or were not able to stay faithful; it wasn’t my problem. I didn’t deserve to pay for what you both did. I didn’t deserve to be ignored every time I needed my father and he just didn’t want to be there. I didn’t deserve to be the punching bag every time my mother needed to numb her pain with alcohol and then take it out on someone. I didn’t deserve the harsh words and the bruises on my body. I didn’t deserve the broken dreams all because my father thought that I wouldn’t make enough money out of it.

  The truth is that you didn’t deserve my unconditional love. No matter what you both did to me, I still loved you. I still looked for your affection and I still tried everything possible to make you proud. I’ve watched people traipse in and out of my life. I’ve dealt with the judgement and embarrassment of your mistakes. I’ve been heartbroken, mistrustful, and afraid and damaged all because I believed that if my parents couldn’t love me, then who would?

  Someday I’d probably regret this letter. Not because this may hurt you but because I know that somehow you would make me feel guilty. You will once again remind me of your sacrifices, your difficulties and my ungratefulness. All these things are probably why you’ll never see this letter. But this is my closure.

  My goodbye…

  My goodbye to the twelve-year-old little girl who watched her life fall apart and needed her parents to help her understand why…

  My goodbye to the eighteen-year-old girl who had her heart crushed over and over again every time she tried to gain her parents attention...

  My goodbye to the twenty-one-year-old adult that felt like a failure…

  Life goes on I guess. I found someone who loves me, someone who would do anything for me. Someone who gives me the world and appreciates me in the way you never did, never could. Someone who has given me a family, a family I could love and make whole and make mine.

  I will be happy again.

  The truth is, I was more than worthy of the two of you. It seems you were never worthy of my love, my ability to smile through all the crap you dealt me and most of all?

  You were not worthy of me.

  ***

  I closed the journal and wrapped it up in a fancy gift-wrap, I put it into a wooden box and put a silver lock on it. I waddled my heavily pregnant self down the stairs and out to the yard where Aiden waited for me with a shovel in his hand.

  My handsome husband smiled at me, his dimples peaked out at me and his eyes sparked full of love as he took me in his arms and kissed my forehead.

  “All done?” I asked.

  “Yep, why do I feel like we’re burying a body,” he frowned.

  I handed him the locked box and smiled at him. “Because we are.”

  Aiden put the box in the hole he dug and covered it with the rich earthy soil. Once he was done I handed him the seeds and he sprinkled them over the square of freshly dug earth.

  “We’re burying the old me and we are going to watch our new life and new me grow.”

  Aiden smiled at me and held me close. “This is it, Mia. Our lives start now.”

  The End.

  Something to Think About…

  Worthy of Me is a book that has been a long time coming. It is a book I dedicate to every child that did not understand what was going on when their happy family was suddenly nonexistent. Children are brought into this world by two people who are supposed to protect, love and cherish them; those people are their parents. They love unconditionally even when they do not receive the love they give. When a child gets hurt he/she cries out for mom or dad. When a child is happy he/she runs to share that happiness with mom or dad. In some cases divorce/separation is a must, sometimes even a blessing. But a child can only understand that if someone sits him/her down and explains to them that this is why mommy and daddy cannot be together anymore.

  Mia Scott learnt of her parents’ separation in the worst way possible, through the highschool rumour mill. Her parents did not explain anything to her, instead she watched her mom resort to alcohol and suicide and watched her father become more and more distant from her. She felt abandoned and confused. She grew up in an environment where she felt unwanted. Thereafter she not only suffered physically but emotionally. Sadly for Mia, her parents thought they were doing what was best for her. But no child is better off without a parent. No child deserves to watch their mom or dad become so selfish as to only see their happiness but not their child’s happiness.

  These children become violent, suicidal, depressed and some even resort to accepting physical and emotional violence from strangers because they believe that that is all they deserve.

  The thing about bringing a child in this world is that you take responsibility for that little human. How you shape them and what you teach them impacts on them. Not every child is lucky enough to have the intelligence to do better and be different. Some think that what you teach them is the right thing—so teach them the RIGHT thing for them and not the right thing for YOU.

  Big decisions like divorce, separation, a new boyfriend/girlfriend and even a simple decision as moving house—talk to them. Tell them why you’re doing and ask them how they feel about it. ask them whether or not they are comfortable… then make your decisions.

  Yajna

  Acknowledgements

  In the beginning when I said I wanted to become a writer, not many people were willing to support the idea. A few smiled and others were just indulgent. I asked for help and most of the time I didn’t get it. So I persevered. I wrote my books, I made my covers and made the effort to tell people about my stories. But a handful of people did believe in me;

  I want to thank my mom for getting me my laptop and encouraging me every time I thought of a new plot. For enduring hours upon hours of me typing, snapping and probably ignoring her while I immersed myself in writing.

  To my father thank you for everything.

  To Nicolan, you are truly the definition of the words; Best Friend. You stood by me, were a shoulder to cry on, you understood and till this day, you are always there to make all the bad things seem not so bad at the end of it all. I thank you for showing me the light.

  To Yajna Anirudhra, Saranya and Shikara, thank you for putting up with all my questions, my drama-queen moments and for putting up with my quirky ideas.

  To Amazon Kindle for creating a platform were indie authors can showcase their work.

  And finally to whoever downloaded this eBook. Thank you for taking the time to read my work.

  Contact Me:

  Email: yaj1802@gmail.com

  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/#!/yajr1

  https://www.facebook.com/#!/pages/Yajna-Ramnath-Author/194691330655175

  Twitter: https://twitter.com/yajna1802

  Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/71
51425.Yajna_Ramnath

  Instagram: http://instagram.com/#lady_yaj

  My Other Works:

  Beneath Her Beautiful

  Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00DOKDVRC

  Goodreads link: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18135481-beneath-her-beautiful

  Skylar Reed believed that in order to move forward you had to block out your past, pretend it wasn’t there and a new life would automatically fall into place. Meeting Kian Kane made her think that it was definitely true. Life with him is passionate, erotic and fun. He is easy-going and loves her. She loves him. But the past doesn’t stay hidden. Join these two lovers as they learn about sacrifice, trust, and love. Skylar will have to learn about facing her past whilst Kian is going to learn that beauty is only skin deep. He has to learn to see Beneath Her Beautiful

  Tales of Dramir #1: Rage

  Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00DPY912Q

  Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18141535-rage

  Welcome to the world of Dramir.

  Where Vampires rule the town. Werewolves prowl through the woods. Fallen Angels fly across the sky. Witches cast spells in the hidden forests. Humans don’t exist. Atalia Vladimir has spent her life quelling her emotions giving her the title of most feared Vampire in all of Dramir. It’s not her fault though. She was born with a supernatural Rage that rendered her mindless with only one urge: to kill. In order to avoid the tedious task of explaining why she killed someone—Atalia preferred not to feel. Life was good, it was just she and her twin brother, Akiv, against the world. Until him.

  Nathan Drake has been searching for his queen for the last thirty-one years and finally they have a lead. Two problems: 1. He has to walk through the deadly grounds of the Wasteland.

  2. He has to enlist the help of Atalia Vladimir.

  Together Atalia and Nathan traipse through the Wasteland along with friends who are willing to help save the queen. However, lessons will be learnt and battles will be fought. Unfortunately for Atalia… what happens in the Wasteland doesn’t always stay in the Wasteland.

  Suitable for readers 17+

  Accepting Nina

  Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00DNKSD3K

  Goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18133542-accepting-nina

  For Nina being rich wasn't a chore... it was epic. She never had to worry about mundane things like making a living, going to school and taking a taxi. But that's about to change. After a car crash that almost has her killing innocent people, Nina's parents decide to send her to - gasp! - college. She hates it and cannot stand the idea of having to walk among people that despise her.

  Adam Keller grew up with the phrase 'earn your pleasures' so when spoilt brat Nina Jordan walks into his life, he cannot stand her and the aloof personality she brings with her. However attraction is a shitty thing.

  Nina and Adam are soon forced into a situation that has both of them questioning their beliefs suddenly the idea of falling in love and dealing with conflicting personalities isn’t the big issue - it’s something far darker.

  Will Adam find himself Accepting Nina?