When I'm Gone

by Jaxson Kidman

  I was reduced to stuttering and holding back emotions that I never thought I was capable of feeling.

  “Okay,” the nurse said. “If you sit down, I will do everything I can to find out where she is and what’s happening. Okay? Answer me… is there anyone you can call?”

  “Yeah,” I said, looking around, wondering where Sienna was.

  What entrance they took her through. If she was in a small room, a big room, an operating room. Maybe she was… gone.

  There was only one person I could call. And that was Mack.

  After all these damn years together, I finally needed him.

  But the thing was… it didn’t matter if he showed up or not. Him being there wasn’t going to save Sienna. Even me being there wasn’t going to save her.

  I lowered my head and felt the nurse touch my arm again.

  “It’s going to be okay,” she said.

  I wanted to call her a fucking liar. She didn’t know that it was going to be okay. Nobody did.

  That’s when I realized I had said the same thing to Sienna how many times? Constantly telling her it was going to be okay.

  Which meant that I’d lied to her. Just to make her happy and feel safe.

  But I couldn’t keep her safe from whatever fate had waiting for us.

  I managed to call Mack and tell him what happened. Of course, he said he would be there as fast as possible.

  I then sat down in a chair and stared at the bright floor, unable to blink. Unable to actually think. I wasn’t even sure how I was breathing.

  It was just like before.

  I was going to lose someone and never have the chance to say goodbye.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  The Angel and the Beach

  Sienna

  I’m standing in the middle of the room. It’s beautiful. Every single flaw, including the building itself is perfect. It’s exactly what I want in my life. I get to wake up next to Kace every single day. I’m going to surprise him. I have an idea. I’m going to go back to drawing and writing again. I’ll probably never make money from it though. So maybe I should think about an actual career, you know? Even then, why the rush? Life is so busy all the time anyway. Everything always feels so rushed. But this doesn’t. This feels right. This feels…

  Whoa.

  There’s a weight on my chest. It’s like an elephant is crushing me. I’m so excited and nervous and I want to cry. I want to burst into tears, but I don’t want to be all that emotional around Kace right now. This is so amazing. He fixed this place up for us. But he did it for me. I know it’s for…

  The weight is greater.

  Dammit.

  I’m able to breathe though. So that’s good.

  I’m just too excited. Anxiety. Panic. My body is unable to figure out what emotion to feel. A long time ago my body channeled anything that resembled excitement to panic. Instant panic and terror.

  Kace is behind me. He’s with me. There’s nothing to be afraid of. Not with Kace. Not ever. I’ve lived through the worst. I lived through the hell my mother called life. I can still remember vividly being upside down in the car and the fireman saying he was going to save me. And he did. But he never saved her. But she was already gone. I lived through my grandmother. The mental manipulation for years, being a puppet and a ‘thing’ instead of a person. I lived through dancing too close to the edge, wanting death to grab my ankles and pull me down. That’s when Kace came to save me. That’s when Kace kept appearing to tell me I wasn’t alone.

  I’m not alone anymore.

  I never have to be alone.

  I look around the place and Kace is touching me. Hugging. Kissing. Speaking. Spinning me around as we laugh, yell, take this moment in. He’s telling me that we’re going to leave everything outside the apartment. That this is our home now. This is where our forever…

  I feel like someone just punched me in the chest.

  I need to tell Kace something is wrong.

  I don’t want to ruin this moment though. I can’t ruin this moment. I just need a second to myself. I need the bathroom. Splash some water on my face. Calm down.

  Kace tells me where the bathroom is. He’s so happy right now. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this happy. Maybe… okay, two other times. The first was the first night that he showed me the house. But he can never be happy about that house anymore because it’s burned to the ground. The second time was when I walked out of the bedroom after our first night together.

  Tonight is going to be amazing.

  I just need water.

  That’s it.

  A quick drink.

  I walk to the bathroom and feel dizzy. The room is spinning but I make it to the bathroom. I go inside but I don’t close the door. Just in case. No big deal though. It’s not a big deal…

  I touch my chest and groan.

  The weight is heavier. My arms feel gooey and wobbly too. I reach for the faucet and can’t find it. I see it, but I can’t touch it. I can’t get the water to turn on.

  I step back and open my mouth. This is where I need to call for help.

  Kace will help me.

  Kace will save me.

  It’s what he does.

  There’s a hard thump in my chest and my legs give out.

  As I fall, my eyes shut.

  And all I hear are echoes.

  Kace laughing and calling to me, saying he only spun me once.

  I can’t move. I can’t tell him I love him one last time. I can’t tell him this isn’t his fault. I can’t tell him I’m sorry for whatever is making this happen.

  He wanted to save me, but all he got was another tragedy.

  I’ m having a dream. I’m at the beach. I’m sitting right in the sand. My butt is wet and squishy from the sand. I’m playing with an orange shovel and a bright yellow bucket. I want to make a sandcastle but it seems like so much work. So I don’t do it. My hair is knotty and curly. I’m young. I’m six years old. Somewhere around there. There’s nobody else on the beach except me and…

  My parents.

  My mom and dad are standing at the water.

  Dad is shirtless and he’s holding Mom’s hand. She has her head on his shoulder. Her hair is really long and really pretty. She’s got flowers all over her bikini. They’re watching the waves crash, just standing there. They’re not even playing in the sand. The sand is the best part of the beach.

  Of course, I know this is all fake. This is the life I never had. This is the life I could have had. Maybe.

  But the six-year-old version of myself just sitting there doesn’t know this. She thinks this is normal. She thinks this is okay. She thinks that this is the best summer vacation ever, even though the thoughts of school starting again creep up in her belly, making butterflies dance. But she knows that with one word, Mom will tell her to eat a healthy snack while Dad will wink and wait for Mom to look away and he’ll get her an ice cream. Because it’s summer. Right? That’s what you do in summer.

  I want to hug that six-year-old version of me and tell her to never stop living in this…

  “… hours to live…”

  Those words come from somewhere. Maybe high above in the sky.

  I look around and there are clear blue skies, but I hear voices fading in and out.

  “… can’t run the risk of extending the tear…”

  “… she needs to be stabilized… monitored…”

  “… heart rate is starting to drop again…”

  “… I don’t know what’s going to happen here…”

  “… hours to live…”

  Those words keep hitting me. Right in the chest. It burns. It stings. I feel so much pain, but can’t even move my arms to try and get it away. The six-year-old version of me stands up from the sand. She runs toward Mom and Dad. She’s scared. Because I’m scared. There are so many voices around me. Yelling. People touching me. I hear beeping sounds. I hear other noises. It’s so busy.

  The six-year-old version of me cuts between
Mom and Dad. They break apart just enough to let her between them.

  The three of them hug each other… a family in love.

  The family I never had.

  The family I wanted.

  I’m in pain… so much pain…

  Hours to live.

  The six-year-old version of me turns her head. She moves the hair out of her face. She’s looking at me. So perfectly innocent. What I should have been in life back then.

  I reach forward and want to take a step, but I can’t.

  I can’t move.

  I’m stuck right there.

  Even as the moment fades away… I can’t move.

  Because…

  Hours to live.

  My eyes fluttered for a few seconds before they opened. The room was dark, a small strip of lights along the corner of the wall and ceiling and dimly lit. The smell was undeniable. I wasn’t not dead. I was in a hospital. I thought about the hours. How many hours it had been. And when I was going to die. Because that was what I heard.

  I tried to move and I was uncomfortable. My entire body was uncomfortable.

  I groaned.

  “Sienna?” a voice asked.

  I looked around the room and saw Kace sitting up from a chair.

  “Sienna?” he asked again.

  He raced toward the bed to get closer to me.

  “Kace,” I whispered.

  “Let me get the nurse,” he said.

  I managed to move my right hand enough to reach for him.

  He touched my hand and my eyes began to fill with tears.

  “Am I dead?” I asked.

  “No,” he said. “Oh, darlin’, you’re not dead. You…”

  He inched closer to the bed and leaned down to me. I felt his lips press against my forehead.

  “What happened?” I asked.

  “Your heart gave out for a little bit,” Kace said, his voice cracking. “Christ, darlin’…”

  “My heart…”

  “Yeah. You sort of had a heart attack.”

  “A…”

  I couldn’t finish the words.

  He touched my face, softly, his eyes glossed over. I never thought I’d see it, but a tear slid out of the corner of his right eye. It gently walked down his cheek, leaving me in shock.

  “I thought you were gone,” he whispered.

  “I heard… they were saying that I had hours to live…”

  “I know,” Kace whispered. “I know. Just relax, darlin’.”

  “Kace, wait,” I said.

  I tried to pull at him, but I was too weak. And everything hurt. My entire body hurt so badly. It didn’t make sense.

  “I heard them,” I said. “They were talking about me. Saying I had hours to live. I’m alive, right?”

  “You’re alive, Sienna. I promise. This isn’t some kind of dream.”

  “So that means I’m okay?”

  Kace didn’t say a word. He just stared at me. He blinked fast. Another tear fell from his eye.

  “What’s happening?” I asked. “Don’t lie to me.”

  “I don’t know what’s happening right now,” he said. “Okay? They managed to keep you stable. It’s almost morning right now.”

  “Morning? So the entire night…”

  “I know,” Kace said. “Darlin’, you can’t get yourself excited right now. Okay? You can’t think too much into this. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I’m right next to you, no matter what.”

  “You don’t know what’s happening,” I said. “Does that mean I’m not okay? I mean, is my heart okay? I don’t…”

  “Sienna, please listen. You made it this far. There’s damage to your heart, okay?” Kace’s voice cracked again. He quickly looked away and cleared his throat. “They need to keep you monitored for a little while and see what happens.”

  “See what happens…” I started to shake. “Kace, I’m so sorry.”

  “Sorry. Why are you sorry?”

  “Look at me,” I said. “This is what I wanted, right? This is what I was trying to do to myself when you saved me. Now it’s come back to get me. I’m going to die, Kace.”

  “Stop it,” he growled. “Don’t talk like that.”

  I turned my head away. Now it was my turn to cry. It hurt to cry. The tears in my eyes hurt. My eyes themselves hurt. My face hurt. Everything hurt.

  “You need to rest right now, darlin’,” Kace said. His voice was a little hoarse. He was holding back a lot more than he was telling and showing me. “The doctors want keep an eye on things. That’s all.”

  “An eye on things,” I said. “Wait to see if I…”

  “Darlin’, please,” Kace said. “I love you. I’m right here next to you. Nothing is…”

  I put my head back and felt the tightness again. This time it was worse than ever before. Kace’s voice was suddenly gone. I tried to move my head to look at him.

  Not to ask him for help. It was pretty obvious that something bad was happening.

  I just wanted Kace to be the last person I saw before I was gone for good.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Lollipop Smiles

  Kace

  They told me to go home.

  They told me I needed to get out of there. Get some fresh clothes. A real shower. An actual meal. The nurses told me. The doctors told me.

  They took her away from me.

  She was gone.

  I stood outside a set of doors that I wasn’t allowed to go through, a doctor who was my height, but a quarter of my size standing there, looking at me. His eyes seemed cold and maybe even a little dead. Then again, he had to shut his emotions off. I’m sure he gave out bad news every single day.

  “We’re going to do everything…”

  “Save it,” I said. “I’m tired of hearing that. Just say it straight. Please.”

  “Okay,” the doctor said. “Kace, right?”

  “Yeah. That’s my name.”

  “It’s not as rare as you’d think. I won’t get into the specific medical terms here, but there was, say, a lot of stress on her heart. And a tear in an artery. That’s a really rough combination. That’s what happened. You did everything you could to save her. We got her stabilized here and then unfortunately, it happened again.”

  “So what’s the end here?” I asked. “Surgery?”

  “No. That’s too risky in this case. It could actually cause further damage and risk.”

  “Is she going to survive?”

  He didn’t answer right away. I looked down and pinched the bridge of my nose.

  “Her best bet right now is being here with us,” the doctor said. “We’re going to closely monitor her heart and make sure that nothing happens again.”

  “Then what?”

  “We worry about that then. There’s plenty that she can do. You can help her, Kace. My opinion is that she was born with a heart condition that was topped by this event.”

  “An event, huh? That’s what it is?”

  The doctor shrugged his shoulders. “There’s nothing I can say to you that’s going to ease anything. I understand that.”

  “Why now?”

  “It can be a variety of things. Stress. Anxiety. A death in the family. Something big in life that can put a lot of pressure on someone’s body.”

  I thought about everything that was me and Sienna together. In the span of a day, I had to drag my drunk father out of a bar, fight a guy to protect my father, then take Sienna to her dying grandmother, only to watch her read letters from her dead father to her dead mother. And I put the cherry on the cake by surprising her with an apartment.

  “Christ,” I said, clearing my throat. “I did this. This whole…”

  “Don’t look at it that way,” the doctor said. “It’s circumstantial. It could have happened at any time. Be thankful you were there when it did. You were there to help her. To get help to come. If you hadn’t…”

  The doctor shrugged his shoulders again.

  He gave a weak nod and turned, goi
ng beyond the doors I wasn’t allowed to go through.

  I stood there for what felt like my entire life, staring and thinking.

  I had been standing right there at the hospital bed when it happened for a second time. She tried so hard to turn her head and look at me. Her lips moved just a little before everything stopped. And when everything stopped was when everything got busy.

  “Come on, man, let’s get out of here for a minute.”

  Mack stood next to me, holding two coffees. He forced one into my hand.

  “I can’t leave her here.”

  “She’s not coming home today.”

  “Maybe ever.”

  “Nah. She loves you too much for that.”

  I looked at Mack. “That’s not how this shit works.”

  “I believe it does,” he said. “Come on. You can drive yourself home. I’ll follow you. Go and take a shower, change, eat, and we’ll come right back here.”

  I didn’t say a word.

  I walked away, each step putting distance between myself and the woman I loved. It was a cruel feeling that rippled through me. I didn’t know how people did it. How people came to the hospital and left with their lives changed. Some people left with babies, on a new and happy path. Other people left with a loved one left behind, knowing they’d never come home again.

  When I got back to my apartment, the first thing I saw were the letters on the floor. The mess from that night. I stepped into the living room area and looked down at them. I wasn’t sure what her grandmother had been thinking. Maybe it was some sort of dark apology or a justification of things. Show Sienna that her mother and father were so messed up that it was best for her to be hidden by her grandmother.

  I didn’t know. I would never know.

  The answers I’d never know were weighing on me.

  “You want a drink?” Mack called out.

  “No,” I said.

  I crouched and found the crumbled obituary.

  It took me back to Andy.

  I was never allowed to get involved. I wasn’t allowed to see the scene when the ambulances and firetrucks were there. I wasn’t allowed to go to her funeral. Well, she didn’t really have one. Just a memorial thing. I wasn’t even sure what happened to her. Where she was laid to rest. Where I could go and visit.