by L.H. Cosway
Today, I’d meet the cast, and I was most nervous to see the actress who would play Sasha, Alicia Davidson. I saw videos of her auditions, but due to scheduling conflicts, we hadn’t yet met in person.
And yes, I was also aware of the fact that she and Julian had been together in the past. I wasn’t going to hold it against her, because Damon had been right, she completely embodied the character of Sasha and there was no way we could’ve gone with anyone else. Still, I was wary. What if she still had feelings for Julian? What if she discovered our relationship and held it against me?
“Sure, I can sign,” I said, scribbling down my name on the electronic gizmo before taking the bouquet inside. I placed it on my kitchen table, studied the flowers a moment, then plucked out the card to see who they were from. A part of me wished they were from Julian, but I knew that would never happen. It had been months since we’d seen each other.
Dear Ellen,
My warmest congratulations on the film and best of luck with your first day on set.
Love,
Daniel
I chewed my lip, a little perplexed at how he signed off. Love was just so personal. It was how you spoke to family and people you were close to. Then again, our relationship had evolved. Nowadays, we met for coffee and chats, not only for business. I considered him a friend, but more and more he’d started to hint he was interested in me not just platonically.
I was flattered, and admittedly, it did feel exciting to have a man like Daniel be interested, but I was distracted. I thought about Julian all the time, even when I was strolling through the winding streets of Venice, boating across Lake Garda, or sunbathing on the pristine beaches of Southern France. I still felt that pang in my chest that he was no longer a part of my life.
Since my return, I’ve been meeting Suze at the Polka Dot on Tuesdays, just like before. Unlike before, Julian was never there. I felt his absence strongly. When I suggested to Damon that he offer Julian the technical consulting role, I may have had a hidden agenda. I’d been grasping at straws, but never in a million years did I expect him to take the job. He’d be around while we filmed, and the anticipation of seeing him was almost too much to handle.
When I arrived on set, my palms were sweaty. The first person I saw was David, and I was glad for a familiar face. He’d snagged the part of Toby, Sasha’s boss, and I thought he was perfect for the role. I’d sat in on his audition, and it turned out he was actually a pretty good actor. I also had to explain the whole Elodie thing to him. It turned out, Julian never told him the truth about me, but he was pretty understanding. I got the feeling David was a hard man to shock.
“Ellen,” he said, coming to walk alongside me. “Look at all this. It’s exciting, isn’t it,” he said, gesturing to the dozens of crew members milling about. I’d never been on a film set before, so I felt like a duck out of water.
“Yep. Pretty exciting.”
He gave my shoulder a soft squeeze. “Hey, don’t be nervous. You’ve got this.”
With that, he went, and I was alone. I stood there for a few seconds, unsure where I was supposed to go, when a runner appeared in front of me. “Hello, Miss Grant. I’ve been instructed to bring you to Mr. Atwood.”
I exhaled in relief and followed her. Damon was standing in a replica of Sasha’s bedroom. It was almost spooky how much it resembled what I’d created in my mind. There was the bright yellow lampshade on the nightstand, the poster of The Breakfast Club, Sasha’s favourite film, on her wall.
“Okay, this is bizarre,” I said as I approached.
“I know,” Damon agreed. “The set designers have done an amazing job. By the way, there’s someone who’d like to meet you.”
He led me to a dressing room that read ‘Alicia Davidson: Lead Actress’ on the door. I sucked in a deep breath for courage while he knocked. A voice called for us to come in.
Alicia sat having her makeup done. She wore a dressing gown, her scarlet hair in hot rollers. With her bright eyes, full lips and curvy figure, she was the womanly ideal every girl wished she could be. I’d tried with Elodie and learned an important lesson; you don’t need to be perfect or incredibly beautiful for people to accept you. You just need to be yourself.
I had more friends now than ever, and all because I’d started to accept myself. I understood my issues and worked every day to be braver, to push myself further than before.
Today was a clear example of that. The old me might’ve declined the invitation to come on set and be a part of the filming. She would’ve stayed home and fretted over it.
As soon as Alicia saw me, she gave a wide, friendly smile. “You must be Ellen. I’ve been dying to meet you in person.”
Her makeup artist stood back as she came and embraced me in a hug. “I can’t tell you how long I’ve waited for a role like this. Sasha is an icon and I’m beyond grateful that you chose me to portray her.”
Well, it hadn’t been just me, but I didn’t bother to correct her. I was too much in awe of her presence. She definitely had that rare quality, that thing that made her stand out as a star. We were starkly different, and yet, we’d both been with Julian. In a weird way, that made me feel less intimidated, like we had something in common.
“It’s so lovely to meet you,” I squeaked. “I’m a big fan of everything you’ve been in.”
“Oh stop, you don’t have to say that.”
Damon cleared his throat. “We’re filming a scene with Sasha and Toby today. The one where she pitches the story about male escorts. You can stick with me if you’d like to sit in on it.”
I nodded. “Yes, I’d like that.”
Alicia gave me another hug. “Go on. I’ll see you later. Maybe we can grab lunch sometime?”
Lunch with Alicia Davidson? I gulped. “Sure.”
She beamed at me. “Okay, great.”
When we neared the set of Toby’s office, I saw a familiar face and my entire body stiffened. My heart thrummed, threatening to beat its way right out of my chest. I’d thought the time apart had made me stronger, that travelling had built my confidence, but as soon as I laid eyes on him, I was anxious as a school girl. Butterflies took charge of my insides, held me hostage.
Julian stood chatting to David, with what appeared to be a tiny dog under his arm, its fluffy tail wagging. He had a dog now? Maybe it belonged to someone else.
I swallowed back my nerves as I approached. “Hi again, David. Um, hello, Julian.”
At the sound of my voice he turned, and for a second the air left me. I’d almost forgotten how beautiful he was. He’d cut his hair a little, but it was still long enough to grab hold of. His eyes sparkled as he gazed down at me. “Ellen,” he breathed. “It’s so good to see you.”
His friendly demeanour caught me off guard. I’d worried he might be standoffish, cold, and aloof. But he was as warm and amiable as he’d ever been. There was an intensity behind it though. The way he stared at me, seeming to drink me in from head to toe. Pleasurable tingles skittered down my spine as I endeavoured not to melt under the fervour with which he took me in.
I tried to speak some words. Any words. It took great effort. “It’s good to see you, too.” Heartbeat, please stop fluttering. My attention went to the dog, its cute little eyes peering up at me. “Who’s this?”
Julian gave her fluffy head a ruffle. “This is Sheila. She was penniless and living on the streets, begging fishmongers for scraps just to survive, so I took her in, spruced her up, and now she’s living her best life.”
“I thought you got her from some girl whose dog gave birth to a litter,” David interjected.
“Hush, David, my story is far more interesting and dramatic,” Julian scolded playfully. “I’m sure Ellen can appreciate that, being a writer and all.” His handsome eyes seared me and I flushed.
How did he do that with just one look?
“Well, she’s adorable.” Swallow. Cough. Try to act natural. “H-how long have you had her?”
“Just a few weeks. She w
as a poop machine for a while there. It wasn’t pretty. But now she’s excreting less frequently, which is a relief to all involved. Rose has been helping me clean up. I’m pretty sure I owe her some sort of luxury hamper at this point to say thank you.”
I gave a soft laugh, nervous flutters encapsulating me at his proximity. It was odd how we could spend so much time apart, yet chat like none of it ever even happened. Well, he could. I was having a little more trouble. “This is your first dog, right?”
He nodded. “It’s been a learning curve. We’ve been on the outs a few times, but now we’ve come to an understanding.”
“I’m glad to hear it.”
We stared at each other for a long moment, while someone from wardrobe grabbed David. Julian didn’t leave, instead he stayed and just…gazed at me. I swallowed tightly, eyes wandering over him, his angular jaw, bright hazel eyes, sculpted lips. I couldn’t help it. He was just so freaking beautiful. I wasn’t sure how I survived all this time not having his face to gaze at. His attention wandered from my eyes, down my nose, and to my mouth before rising back up again.
“I met Alicia,” I said, breaking the intense moment. “She’s very pretty.”
“She is,” Julian agreed. Even though I was the one to bring it up, his agreement made my chest burn. Just a little. “How were your travels?” he asked.
He knew I’d been away? “How did you—”
“I might have dropped into the bookshop hoping to see you,” Julian confessed. “Bernice told me you’d taken some time off.”
My chest thrummed. He’d come looking for me? That must’ve been a while ago if I’d been travelling at the time. Had he been hoping to rekindle? So many questions filled my head. I cleared my throat. “I’m actually not working there anymore. What with the travelling and all this film stuff, plus I’ve been doing more signings. I just don’t have the time.”
“Well, it’s good to be busy,” he said.
I nodded in agreement. “Yes, it is.”
After a few moments of heavy silence, more people started to arrive on set. They were preparing to film the first scene between Alicia and David, so I went to take a seat close to Damon. Julian stood nearby, taking it all in. He put Sheila on the ground and she ran right up to me and hopped on my lap.
Julian chuckled. “She likes you. Queens always recognise other queens.”
I flushed at the compliment and pet Sheila’s head. Why was he being so nice? And so flipping sexy intense? I was going to have a heart attack if he didn’t quit smouldering at me. It was like everything I’d hoped for had come true. Julian was looking at me like he remembered the intimacy we’d shared and wanted to relive every single moment.
Alicia appeared on set, flanked by several members of her team. She wore a pencil skirt and a tight blouse, her hair in a loose ponytail and her makeup done to perfection. She noticed Julian right away, her lips curving in a sultry grin.
“I heard you’d come on board. It’s good to see you,” she said as someone fixed the collar of her blouse.
My stomach twisted, witnessing their interaction. Everything inside of tensed and rebelled at the idea of them spending time together, possibly reuniting.
“You, too,” Julian replied, but he didn’t say more.
He stood a little closer to my chair and bent down to pet Sheila. “There’s a good girl,” he murmured lovingly, and I stiffened at his closeness. He was talking to the dog, not me, but still, the affection in his voice thrilled right through me.
There was a lot of technical stuff going on, with Damon giving directions to cast and crew. I sat back, absorbing it all. This really was a dream come through. For years I’d resisted movie offers, mostly because I knew there was no way I could be involved. Too many people. Too much pressure. And if I wasn’t involved, then how could I ensure they didn’t mess it up?
A part of me was still freaking out on the inside, but another part was handling her shit. I could do this now. I wouldn’t allow myself another choice.
I glanced up at Julian. His attention was fixed on Damon as he exchanged a few words with Alicia. I stared at his profile, a pain in my chest, a pang of longing. He must’ve sensed me looking because his eyes flicked to mine. I blinked and looked away, too hot. I took off my cardigan, folded it and placed it on the side of my chair.
“Action,” Damon called and suddenly they were filming.
I got excited for a whole other reason as Sasha (Alicia) walked into Toby’s (David’s) office and took a seat in front of his desk. I could’ve recited the lines from memory, since Levi, Stacy and I had spent many late nights editing and revising, trying to make the script absolutely perfect.
It didn’t take long for me to fall into the scene, like I really was watching a movie. Well, it was more like a stage play, but it was enthralling nonetheless. It turned out Alicia and David had great chemistry.
“I told you, I can do more than write fluff pieces about the latest celebrity trend,” said Sasha. “I want to explore something real, something that will hook readers in, make their hearts race.”
“Fluff pieces are your job. That’s what you signed up for,” Toby replied stiffly.
“But I can be so much more than that. I can make this column shine.”
“You can make it shine by writing me an article about the pros and cons of dating apps.”
Sasha folded her arms. “God, you really are a sauceless bastard sometimes.”
Toby pushed his glasses up his nose, a deep indent forming between his eyebrows. “What did you just call me?”
Sasha stood, her expression defiant. “I called you a coward,” she said, then turned and left the office.
I smiled to myself. They really brought the interaction I’d written between Sasha and her boss to life. The relationship between the two, the will they or won’t they, was a huge driving force behind the series’ popularity. I smiled thinking of how thrilled my readers would be when they finally got together in the last book.
Damon called for a break and I went to grab a coffee from the cafeteria. After being so close to Julian for the last hour, I needed some space. I was emptying a sugar sachet into my latte when somebody pinched me on the shoulder. I turned around and Alicia stood next to me.
“That was fun! I adore your writing. Sasha has some great lines. Sauceless bastard! I laughed so much when I first read that.”
I gave a small smile. “Thanks. She’s definitely a lot of fun to write.”
“Hey, can I get a macchiato?” she asked the catering guy. I thought it was pretty down to earth of her to come order her own coffee. I always imagined big stars had a team of assistants to do that sort of stuff.
“Coming right up.”
I heard a tiny bark and then saw Sheila running up to me, Julian chasing after her. He scooped her up before she could jump on me. “You’ve gained a new fan,” he chuckled.
“I think she just likes having a warm lap to sit on during filming,” I said and reached out to pet her.
“Oh, she’s just darling,” Alicia crooned, bending close and letting the dog lick her whole face. “My makeup artist is gonna give me hell for this, but I just can’t resist doggy kisses,” she continued on a chuckle, then glanced at Julian. “I may end up stealing her before the shoot wraps.”
“I better keep an eye on you then,” he replied.
Alicia waggled her eyebrows. “You better.”
Julian turned to me, placing a hand on my shoulder for a second. The touch was warm, thrilling. His voice was low and intimate. “Can we talk later?”
My tummy flip-flopped. “Sure. I have a car taking me home at five if you want to share it?”
His expression heated. “I’d like that. See you then.”
Alicia eyed him as he walked away, then looked at me. “Are you two…”
“No! No, we aren’t. We’re, um, neighbours,” I said, rambling a little. It was a lie, but I didn’t want her speculating.
“Oh, right. Well, Julian’s an amazing g
uy. We actually used to have a thing, but it didn’t work out.”
“You did?” I said, hoping she’d keep talking. I was stupidly eager to have my heart broken with details of her and Julian’s relationship.
She sighed. “He’s incredible in bed, but he just wasn’t what I was looking for relationship-wise, you know?”
“Oh, well, that’s too bad.”
She knocked back her macchiato in a few gulps. “Yep. Well, I better get back. They’ll need to redo my makeup after little miss cutie pie licked my face off.”
I nodded and waved her away, exhaling once she was gone. This shoot was going to be a lot more tumultuous than I anticipated. I remembered the flowers Daniel sent this morning and realised I hadn’t yet sent a text to say thank you.
Ellen: Thanks for the flowers. They’re lovely :-)
His response came quickly.
Daniel: My pleasure. Are you free for dinner tonight? xxx.
I frowned at the kisses, unsure how to reply. He definitely wanted more than friendship, but I just wasn’t in a place to date anyone. Yes, it had been months since Julian and I were together, but I still had feelings for him. It wouldn’t be fair to Daniel to start something when I was still getting over someone else. There was also the fact that he was my agent. We had a professional relationship and that complicated things.
Later on, I found Julian chatting with several members of the crew. I managed to catch his eye and he approached.
“I’m leaving now if you still want to have that talk.”
“Of course, lead the way.”
Julian opened the door of the car for me and I climbed inside. It was a town car, and the driver was wearing earphones, which made me feel more comfortable to chat. My heart still raced though. I had so much I wanted to say, so much I wanted to ask.
And I had absolutely no idea where to start.
Chapter Twenty-Five