by L.H. Cosway
Ellen
I fiddled with the sleeve of my cardigan. “So, um, how have you been?”
Julian tilted his head to me, his gaze running from the hem of my dress that reached just above the knee, all the way up to my mouth. I felt exposed. He laid me bare with nothing more than a glance.
Instinctively, I pushed my thighs together, and a low heat simmered between us. Perhaps having this conversation in the confines of a car wasn’t my finest idea. Sheila settled in on the other side of Julian, curling up into a ball and closing her eyes. I sort of wished she was in the middle so that we’d have a little more space. As it was, we were right next to each other, and it made everything feel that much more amplified.
Julian’s expression was devastatingly handsome yet sad. It made my heart go whump. “Do you want the honest answer or the airbrushed one?”
“The honest one?” My words came out sounding like a question.
Julian sat back, his head falling against the seat as he exhaled heavily. “In that case, I’ll tell you, I’ve not been doing marvellously well, I’m afraid.”
I didn’t speak, only stared at him. I hadn’t been doing marvellously well either, emotionally speaking, but I didn’t tell him that. Not yet.
He levelled me with those ruinous hazel eyes, his lashes impossibly long and thick. “I’ve missed you, Ellen. More than you can imagine.”
My voice was a whisper. “I’ve missed you, too.”
His expression was wistful and a little melancholy. “Even when you were off on your solo travels?”
“Yes, Julian, even then.”
Neither one of us spoke for a minute. The journey back to the city was going to take over an hour, maybe longer in evening traffic. And it was going to be pretty uncomfy if we had to sit in silence the whole time.
“I haven’t worked in months.” Julian’s confession shocked me out of my thoughts.
I stared at him, taken aback. “You haven’t?”
He shook his head. “It’s been a struggle.”
“But why?”
He shifted in place, his face contemplative as he appeared to decide how best to explain. “Since you, being intimate with other women has not been easy. In fact, I haven’t felt the urge to be with anyone, and that’s quite atypical for me. Typically, once I finish a relationship, I move on to the next. But even when we were still…” he paused to gesture between us. “You know, my relationship with clients had started to decline. You were all I could think about.”
I frowned, feeling frustrated. “Why are you telling me all this?”
“You said you wanted honesty.”
“Yes, but—” I made an aggravated hand gesture. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. I don’t know what you want from me.”
“You don’t have to say anything, Ellen, not if you don’t want to. And all I want from you is—”
My phone chimed and I frowned in frustration. Just finish the sentence, Julian, please, because I’m not brave enough to finish it for you.
My eyes flickered back and forth between his when it chimed again. He arched an eyebrow. “Do you want to check that?”
I pulled out my phone and found two texts from Daniel.
Daniel: So, dinner? I can make a reservation somewhere nice. xxx
Daniel: There’s a table free at Celeste, but I need to give them an answer asap.
When I looked up, Julian was reading the message over my shoulder. I slid my phone back in my bag. “It’s not very polite to read other people’s messages, you know.”
Julian didn’t beat around the bush, ignoring my statement when he asked, “Are you seeing Daniel?”
“That’s none of your business.”
“I know that, but I would still like to know if you are.”
There was a flash of jealousy in his eyes. I scratched my neck, feeling like I might be coming out in a rash. “No, we aren’t seeing each other. But he’s started making…”
“Advances?”
I exhaled. “Yes, and I’m not sure how to respond. He’s my agent. We have a professional relationship.”
Julian’s attention went from eyes to my lips and then back again. “Would you like to date him?”
My stomach twisted. “No?”
He gave a soft, affectionate chuckle, but there was sadness behind it. “You don’t sound too sure about that.”
“I’m just confused.”
He reached out and touched my knee, his hand firm. I could feel his warmth even through my tights. “Don’t let the pressure get to you. Do what you want to do, Ellen.”
After all these months, the feel of his hand on me, even in such a small way, was drugging. I didn’t want to go out to dinner with Daniel, not when I was stuck in a car with Julian and he kept staring at me with those heart-breaking eyes of his.
I swallowed tightly. “I guess I’m still trying to figure that out.”
Julian nodded and looked away, his face a picture of thoughtfulness. I cleared my throat, needing to change the subject.
“So, how does it feel to see Alicia again?”
I suspected he knew what I was up to when his eyebrow ticked ever so slightly upward. “It’s always nice to see an old friend.”
“Don’t you mean old flame?” I nudged him with my shoulder, trying to lighten the mood but it sort of fell flat.
“What we had happened almost three years ago. Now I merely see her as a friend.”
“She’s so beautiful.”
His lips twitched, a little of his sparkle returning. Did it please him to imagine I was jealous? Well, I was. Anyone would be, knowing the man they loved had once been with a Hollywood actress, renowned all over the world for her beauty.
The man I loved.
The thought was sobering, but it wasn’t something I could ignore. If it weren’t for the fact that he’d ended things, I might’ve been brave enough to take a chance. Confess how I felt right here and now. But he had been the one, and though he confessed to not being intimate with anyone else in months, I still wasn’t one hundred percent clear where we stood. There was a niggling sense of doubt in the back of my mind.
What if he got cold feet again?
What if he just upped and decided he couldn’t be with me a second time?
Julian’s attention wandered over me once more and I shivered. “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, Ellen.”
I sucked in a breath and looked away. My phone rang with a call from Nick. I really was popular this evening. Turning away from Julian, I picked it up immediately.
“Hi, Nick, how are you?”
“Ellen,” he said, sounding glum and I instantly knew why he was calling. My heart thudded. These past few months, I’d been waiting for this call. Waiting for the time when my dad would finally summon up the courage to tell my brothers the truth about what happened to Mum.
“Dad told you,” I whispered.
He sounded like he’d been crying. And knowing my jolly, life and soul of the party brother had been crying made my stomach ache. I’d had months to come to terms with this, to accept what happened. For Nick, it was all fresh.
“Yes,” Nick breathed.
“What about Cam?”
“Dad told us both together. Cam’s angry, but he seems to have accepted it. You know him, he’ll just keep all his feelings locked up. Can I…can I come stay with you for a little while? I need to get away.”
“Of course. You can stay with me for as long as you need.”
“I just have to pack a few things and see if Sharon will cover my shifts at the café. I should arrive later tonight.”
“That’s fine. I’ll wait up. See you then.”
I hung up and exhaled a breath. I had a feeling I wouldn’t get much sleep tonight. Nick would want to stay up and talk things out. It was how he processed. Cameron was the opposite. Like Nick said, he kept everything locked tight until one day I feared he might implode.
“Is everything okay?” Julian asked.
I let
my head fall back against the car seat. “It’s just some family stuff.”
“Want to talk about it?”
I glanced at him. I guess we did have some time to kill, and maybe it would be good for Julian to know what had happened to me. How it affected me in later life.
“It’s pretty bleak.”
His expression was wry. “I’m well acquainted with the dark.”
I worried my lip, then finally replied, “After everything that went down at the wedding, my dad told me some stuff about my mum. She hadn’t really died in a car accident.” Julian was quiet while I spoke, listening intently. “She was actually the victim of a break in. I was there when it happened, witnessed the whole thing. I was only two years old at the time, and Dad said I became totally mute afterward. It was years before I started to talk again. I guess that’s where all my fears stem from. I’ve started seeing a therapist, just once a month, but it’s helping me sort through my feelings.”
“Oh, Ellen,” Julian murmured and without warning pulled me into his arms. “I can’t imagine how it must feel to find all that out.”
I sank into his embrace, not realising how much I needed it, how much I needed to tell him that. He stroked my arm up and down, his touch tender, soothing. “Dad told Nick and Cameron today. Nick’s coming to stay with me for a little while. He needs some time to process.”
I blinked away the tears that wanted to fall. They were half due to sadness for my brothers finally knowing the truth, and half due to the fact that I’d missed Julian so, so much. And being this close to him, it felt like all my cells were coming alive again.
I just wasn’t sure if I was being foolishly hopeful. Maybe Julian was just being kind for the sake of working on the film together. But no, he wouldn’t have told me all that stuff about giving up his work if he hadn’t intended for me to draw certain conclusions.
“That day when we…when you ended things. I shouldn’t have left you that money,” I said.
“You don’t need to apologise.”
“Yes, I do. It was a horrible thing to do. It belittled what was between us and I hate that I acted in anger.”
“You’re not the only one who regrets their decisions that day,” he replied and I turned my head to look at him. I saw the honesty in his eyes, the truth of his words. And I…
“I believe you,” I whispered then rested my head on his shoulder.
Julian continued stroking my arm. He held me for the rest of the journey and I felt myself growing closer to him. It was so natural to just relax around him. Neither one of us spoke, not wanting to break the connection. When the car stopped outside my house, I was sad to leave him. I wanted to invite him inside, but I knew Nick would be arriving soon. And anyway, it would be a bad idea to rush things.
Despite my worries, I felt something happening between us. The way Julian was behaving around me felt like he was finally opening up to the possibility of us. To the idea of being with just one person.
He placed a chaste kiss on my cheek then helped me out of the car. When I went inside and closed the door behind me, I slid right down to the floor, where it felt like all my emotions had been scattered.
* * *
The next morning, I got a text on my phone from an unknown number.
Hey, Ellen. This is Alicia. We never had the chance to exchange numbers yesterday, but this is mine. I was wondering if you’d like to do lunch today?
I stared at the screen for a full minute, trying to figure out how to respond. My coffee was going cold where it sat on the kitchen counter.
“Who’s Alicia?” Nick asked when he walked up behind me.
I shot him an annoyed glance. “Why does everyone think it’s okay to read my messages over my shoulder?”
He raised his hands in the air. “Someone’s feeling touchy.”
I pursed my lips. “Sorry. I’m just a little tired this morning.”
As predicted, Nick and I had been up until the wee hours talking, discussing our childhoods, all the unexplainable things about us that finally made sense. I’d texted Daniel and told him I couldn’t go to dinner. I felt bad for saying no, but I didn’t want to lead him on. It would be worse to give him false hope, especially with my feelings being all tangled up in Julian.
I eyed Nick. “The text is from Alicia Davidson.”
My brother blinked at me. “The actress in your film? Are you two besties now?”
“Yes, the actress. And no, we aren’t besties. But she’s trying to befriend me. It’s weird.”
“Why is it weird?”
I dropped my gaze when I replied, “Because she and Julian used to be a thing.”
“Oh, that is a little weird. And a little scandalous.” He waggled his eyebrows.
“She didn’t hire him. As far as I know, it was a real relationship.”
“Ah, got ya. So, you think she’s trying to scope out the competition?”
“No, that’s the weird thing. I think she genuinely wants to be my friend.”
“Well, that’s great. Be her friend. I’ll tag along to lunch if you need backup.”
Now I rolled my eyes. “Oh, will you now?”
“Hey, redheads are Cam’s thing. You know I prefer brunettes.”
“Hmmm, true.”
“So, can I come?”
“Well, I’m definitely not going alone. I need someone there to fill the silence in case I choke.”
Nick grinned. “And I can chat for England. We’re a match made in heaven.”
His endlessly cheery demeanour, even in the face of Dad’s revelation, drew a smile out of me. Nick accompanied me to the set that morning, and I had to admit, I was pretty excited for him to be there. I was proud of myself and I wanted to share that pride with my brother.
When we arrived, Nick went in search of a bathroom and I in search of coffee. Over in the cafeteria, I spotted Julian sitting at a table. Sheila was sprawled out on his lap, snoozing, while he held a book and sipped on a latte. I was a little distracted by how handsome he was, dressed down for once in jeans and a T-shirt. I didn’t immediately notice just exactly what he was reading.
His attention was glued to The Games We Play, the eighth Sasha Orlando novel. Did that mean he’d read the entire series? The ninth and final book was set to release in a few short weeks.
Butterflies invaded my belly.
I wanted to know what he thought of the series, but I was also terrified. His opinion meant too much to me. The first book was all about male escorts, but my research had been limited, confined mostly to books and what I could find on the internet. Julian had real-life experience, which was one of the reasons why he was here on set to give advice.
I grabbed two cappuccinos before I approached Julian’s table. “So, you finally gave in?”
He glanced up, his eyes dancing when he saw me, his lips curving into a pleased expression
“What can I say? I’ve been converted.”
I opened my mouth, then closed it. I mean, if he’d made it through to book eight then he must at least be enjoying them. I sat down and took a sip of my coffee.
“Looks like you’re almost done.”
“Yep. Then I’ll just have to wait until the last one releases.” His smile was playful. “Unless you’d like to send me an advance copy. There have to be some perks to knowing the author, right?”
I fiddled with a sugar packet. “I could possibly do that.” A pause as I met his gaze. “So, you like them?”
His smile grew wide. “Ellen, I adore them. You are a fantastic writer and Sasha’s adventures are giving me life right now.”
I felt myself flush. “Really?”
“Yes, really. Besides, I should’ve known I’d love them. I always was obsessed with Elodie’s stories. It was the first thing that drew me to her—to you. I eavesdropped on yours and Suze’s conversation before I ever turned around to see what you both looked like.”
Hold up a second. He eavesdropped? This was news to me.
“You mean befo
re you spilled your coffee on our table that time?”
Julian closed his book and placed it aside. “Darling, you had me entranced for weeks before we ever actually met.”
My eyelashes fluttered. “So, you just…listened to our conversations?”
Julian nodded. “It was my favourite real-life soap opera. I should’ve known it was far too entertaining to be real. Plus, your stories always had a beginning, a middle, and an end. Real life isn’t usually so neat.”
How on earth had I not noticed him?
“That’s…that’s so…” I sputtered, not knowing what to say.
“Shady?” He chuckled. “I told you I have the face of a rapscallion. Sometimes my behaviour matches up.”
A part of me was annoyed, while another part was flattered he’d noticed me long before I ever noticed him. Or at least, he’d noticed Elodie. In what universe does a man like Julian go undetected for so long? He should become like, a secret agent or something.
His voice was low when he leaned across the table to murmur, “You seem a little flustered, Ellen.”
“I’m just trying to get my head around it.”
“What’s there to get your head around? I was drawn to you. It’s simple.”
I was locked in his gaze, unable to look away. Julian exhaled a sigh, as though smitten by the very fact we were staring into each other’s eyes. He really was too much sometimes.
“There you are,” came Nick’s voice and I looked up as my brother walked towards us. His attention went from me to Julian, his eyes asking, Am I interrupting something?
I gave a very faint shake of my head, even though he was interrupting a little. He was interrupting me getting lost in the dreamy hazel depths of Julian’s gaze.
“Well, I might see you later,” I said, standing and handing Nick his coffee. I led him away and we walked around the set. I pointed out things of interest and he took it all in. I was glad for him not bringing up the fact that Julian was here. I’d mentioned to him last night that he’d come on board as a technical consultant, but I don’t think Nick realised that meant he’d be around during filming.
We watched them shoot a scene between Alicia and Peter, the actor who was to play Ralph, the male escort character from the book. Then there was a short scene between Alicia and David. I got the sense that they were attracted to each other, just something in the way Alicia looked at him, and my mind started to wander. As a writer, you often drew inspiration from moments in real life.