by Mary Eason
Sammy’s attention was easily distracted by the piñatas and colorful decorations surrounding them. He was completely oblivious to the tension between the two adults at his table.
She had to ask. Had to know. “Why did you bring me here? Why here of all places?” Her voice shook. Was it deliberate? Did he even remember that night?
Reluctantly she looked at him.
“I needed answers. I think I have them. And yes, I remember everything about that night.” His words were little more than a whisper. “I think about it all the time and there’s not a minute that goes by that I don’t wish I could turn back time. If I could, things would have turned out differently between us.”
“What would turn out differently?” Sammy asked.
Rachel touched her son’s shoulder and tried to change the subject. “Are you hungry, honey?”
Sammy nodded, but he was so excited he couldn’t sit still long enough to consider it.
Sammy’d had Mexican food maybe once in his entire life. Rachel decided to play it safe and go with the soft tacos.
Once the waitress took their orders, Sammy was up and out of his seat the second he spotted the small Mariachi band.
“Sammy,” Rachel tried to corral him before he got away, but he ignored her and rushed over to the band.
“Leave him alone. He’ll be fine. He’s close enough for us to keep an eye on him. He’s having a good time. He’s just naturally curious, like most boys his age. Unless you want to continue to use Sammy as a barrier between us.”
Reluctantly she looked at him.
“When were you going to tell me I had a son?”
She shook her head. She couldn’t think of a single thing to say. She was spared the need to answer when Sammy ran back to join them.
“Momma, they sound funny.”
Sammy was oblivious to the silence between his mother and the stranger whose connection he still wasn’t sure of.
Throughout the meal, Sammy barely touched his food, he was too busy talking and asking questions. Not that Rachel minded. It was a welcome distraction from her troubling thoughts.
She wanted this evening to be over and done. The excitement she’d felt earlier at showing her son some familiar landmarks had disappeared. She dreaded the inevitable showdown between herself and Jack that was sure to follow.
*****
Jack hadn’t been back to the Trail of Lights since that last Christmas with Rachel. Tonight, the place was hopping. With just a couple weeks left before Christmas, it seemed everyone wanted to see the light.
He managed to find an empty parking spot and they headed out on foot to the trail. At one time, you could drive straight through the display areas, but with the growing popularity of the lights and the ensuing traffic jams the city officials decided to allow only foot traffic.
As they walked, Sammy insisted on holding both Rachel and Jack’s hands. Rachel’s opinion of this was easy to read. Jack wasn’t sure what he was supposed to feel. When he looked at the boy, there was no denying their similarities. His heart melted a little more with each simple question. Each childish giggle.
He wondered how he’d ever convince Rachel he was different when she clearly still held his past mistakes against him. She still had feelings for him, there was no denying it in her jumpy reaction whenever he was close, but she’d buried those feelings beneath a wall of hate. He wondered if it would ever be possible to win her heart again.
To be honest, he had anger issues of his own right now. Resisting the urge to confront her about her deception was next to impossible.
For the moment, he’d try to let it go. There’d be plenty of time for angry words in the future and they would come. They had to. There were still far too many things left unsettled between himself and Rachel.
For now he just wanted to enjoy being with his son. It was easy to catch Sammy’s excitement and forget about what lay ahead for him and Rachel.
By the time they reached the final display, Sammy wanted to go back down the trail again. When they were finished, Sammy wasn’t the only one exhausted. Jack was amazed at the boy’s energy.
Rachel on the other hand looked worried. “Honey are you feeling okay?” She stopped and knelt in front of him, searching his face.
Sammy nodded slowly. “I’m tired, Momma.” Rachel and lifted him up in her arms. And fear slithered along Jack’s spine. Something was wrong. He could feel it in his gut. Rachel’s concern went beyond being a worried mother.
“It’s okay, honey, we’re going home now.” The look she gave Jack dared him to challenge.
Without saying a word, Jack took the boy from her and carried him to the SUV.
By the time they reached the Rover, Sammy was sound asleep. Jack laid him down in the back seat. “He’ll be fine. We’re not going far and I’ll drive slowly.” They covered the distance without speaking. Only a few feet of space separated them and yet the walls she’d been putting between them been felt about as impenetrability as Fort Knox.
When they arrived at Liz’s house, Jack carried Sammy inside and helped Rachel get him ready for bed.
She turned out the light and reluctantly followed him back into the living room. He could feel her tension.
“I know what you want...but I can’t. Not tonight. Please, Jack. I just can’t do it tonight.”
He considered doing as she asked. He couldn’t. He’d been patient long enough. Tonight. For five years. It was time to get this thing out in the open – all of it. Time to tear down those walls once and for all.
“I’m sorry you feel that way. Because I don’t plan to wait another moment. I want the truth, Rachel. I’m sorry about how you feel, but I want to know why you didn’t tell me I had a son.”
*****
The weight of those words settled around her like a prickly blanket, threatening to suffocate. The tension between her and Jack hit a record high when Jack moved nearer, his arms crossed over his chest. Waiting.
For the life of her, she couldn’t force a single word out of her mouth.
“Well?” Another step closer. The impatience in his lean frame told her he was trying hard to control his resentment.
“Jack it’s late.”
A breath exploded from him accentuating the anger she sensed in him. “It’s late? Is that all you’re going to say? You’re right. I’d say its five years too late. And I’m not leaving until I have some answers, so start talking.”
She knew what he wanted to hear, but there was no way she could answer him. “I don’t know what you expect me to say.”
“I think you know exactly what I want to hear.”
“Sammy’s not your son, Jack.” The words were out even before she considered the consequences of them. Jack closed the whisper of space that remained between them and reached for her.
“Don’t give me that. It’s clear that he is. Why didn’t you tell me I had a son?”
She tried to swallow the lump in her throat, more afraid than she’d ever been that she might lose her son.
His hands tightened on her shoulders, dragging her closer. “Answer the question, Rachel. Didn’t you think I had the right to know about my own child?”
Dear God, please help me through this. I don’t know how to fix this on my own.
She swallowed hard and laid it all on the line. “I didn’t tell you, because I don’t know if Sammy is yours.”
He released her as if the touch of her burned. “What are you talking about?”
Rachel took a deep breath. God, I know you and I haven’t been on the best of terms lately, but I need your help. “It’s true,” she told him quietly, knowing he had no reason to believe her.
“You expect me to believe that you didn’t know you were pregnant when you left town.”
She shook her head. “It’s true, I didn’t know. I’m still not sure if you’re the father.”
“How is that possible?” He shook his head in disbelief and began prowling the living room.
“I didn’t kn
ow I was pregnant when I left Austin. Sam and I were married just a short time later. I didn’t realize I was pregnant for another month or more.”
“You married another man with the ink barely dry on our annulment?” he asked incredulously, coming to a halt in front of her once more. “I see you were really upset about our breakup.”
“Yes. Yes, I married Sam, because he was good to me and he made me realize that love wasn’t supposed to hurt like it did with you. And I didn’t leave you Jack -- you left me.”
She wiped trembling fingers over her eyes. She hated that after all these years the memory of that night still had the power to hurt.
“Rachel, I’m sorry, let’s try to discuss this rationally.” This new tenderness in was something she’d never associated with the old Jack. He turned her to face him, tracing a rough thumb down her cheek.
“Okay, so you didn’t know you were pregnant at the time. Surely in all these years you had to see the resemblance.”
“I did, but he looks like Sam as well.”
“He’s the image of me at that age. Sammy has my eyes, my hair. He’s my son. How could you not tell me that I’d fathered a child?”
She shook her head her voice had gone flat. “Jack, you made it clear you never wanted to see me again. What was I supposed to think?”
After another moment, Jack knelt in front of her and gently took her. “I know. Oh, Rachel, I’m so sorry. I realize how much I hurt you. I’ve never forgiven myself for what I did to you. I thought I was doing what was best for you. You were so young, barely eighteen. I thought being married to me would only hold you back. You were just getting started with your life. I’d just finished the university and was still trying to find my place in my father’s business. I didn’t know if I could take care of you the way you deserved.”
For a second, looking into Jack’s blue eyes, she was almost persuaded. And then she remembered Jack’s father.
“Don’t. You did it for yourself and for your father. You wanted out. It’s as simple as that. You wanted your freedom. You were tired of playing with the little local girl. You wanted to be free to date other women. You wanted more than just me. Well you got your wish. You want to know why I didn’t tell you about Sammy? It’s simple -- I didn’t believe you’d want any reminders of the mistake you made with me.”
He stumbled to his feet and away from her. “We need to talk about this, but it’s obvious we need to do it when were both a little bit more rational. I’m leaving now, but I’ll be back, so just in case you were thinking of running again, don’t. This time I won’t let anyone stand in my way. Not even you. I’ll find my son. And you.”
Chapter Four
When she woke the following morning, it was to Sammy tugging at her hand. She was still on the sofa, where she’d curled up and fallen asleep. Her old dog Nikkie lay at her feet.
“Momma, I’m hungry.”
Rachel sat up and tried to put some order to her hair. “Okay, honey, I’ll make you something to eat. Go wash your face and hands.” She tried to control the uneasiness inside of her long enough to make breakfast for Sammy, but she couldn’t eat a thing.
Instead, she drank black coffee and considered her options. Jack knew her too well. She wanted to run. The desire to pack up, return home to Colorado, and never look back was stronger than she’d ever imagined. In her heart, she knew she couldn’t. Sammy needed her to put aside the anger and the fear and be strong for him. She couldn’t run away from that.
“Momma.” The impatience ton in Sammy’s voice made her realize he’d been trying to get her attention for some time.
“I’m sorry, baby. What did you say?” She brushed aside that familiar straying lock of hair from his forehead, so much like Jack.
“Can I go play with Jason today?”
“Oh, honey, I don’t know. I’ll have to call Amanda and see what she’s got planned for the day. Is that what you want to do?”
Sammy nodded and the familiar protectiveness that was always there whenever she looked at him returned. She’d do whatever was necessary to keep him happy. And nothing Jack Bryant could try, no matter how much money he had, would ever change that.
“I tell you what, you finish your breakfast and I’ll call Amanda and see if we can schedule some play time this afternoon. I thought this morning you and I could do something nice for Gran.”
“Like what?” Sammy’s enthusiastic response showed in his eyes. He loved his grandmother so much.
“Well, Gran hasn’t gotten her Christmas tree up yet. So, I was thinking you and I could put up the tree and decorate her house for her. We can surprise her when she returns on Friday?”
“Yeah!” Sammy jumped up and down with happiness. It was hard to get him to finish his breakfast.
“Okay, but if you want to go see Jason later, you have to finish breakfast.”
She made sure Sammy was eating before she went to the living room to call Amanda.
“Rachel, I was just thinking about you. How are you?”
“Good, fine in fact. I was wondering what you and Jason are doing later. Sammy has talked of nothing else but seeing Jason again.”
“Jason’s the same way. Why don’t you guys come over later?”
“That’d be great. Sammy will be thrilled.”
Amanda didn’t respond for a moment. “Rachel, are you sure you’re all right? You sound a little funny.”
“I’m okay...”
“Is it Jack?” When Rachel couldn’t speak, Amanda added, “I have to confess, seeing you two together was kind of weird. I never thought I’d see that again. Does this mean—”
“No. Oh, no, Amanda. That’s never going to happen. One mistake in a lifetime is plenty, trust me.”
“Uh huh. Did you forget who you’re talking to? We may not be as close as we were in the past, but I still remember how crazy you were for Jack. You don’t get over that kind of love, Rachel. I don’t care how far you move or who you marry. You and Jack were a couple for a long time, and you were in love with him even longer. I’d say you still are, if the way you looked at him yesterday is any indication.”
“Amanda, I don’t…I can’t talk about this right now.”
“Well, maybe you’d better. From the way he was looking at Sammy, I’d say he knows the truth.”
It took so long for Rachel to try to answer that Amanda guessed the reason.
“He does, doesn’t he? Did he confront you with it?”
“Oh yes, last night after Sammy went to bed.”
“After Sammy went to bed? How did he—”
“We spent the evening together. Jack insisted on taking us to dinner and then to the Trail of Lights display. For a little while, I thought...Amanda, I’m such an idiot. I should have known he didn’t really want to spend time with me. It was all about Sammy. He wanted to be sure.”
“What happened?”
“Mostly we argued.”
“So what are you going to do?”
“I don’t know. I just can’t bear the thought of losing Sammy, but you know how much money and power the Bryant’s have always had. If it comes to it, I don’t stand a chance.”
Amanda seemed to choose her words carefully. “I can’t see Jack being vindictive, but maybe it’s time to try and salvage what is left of your friendship with Jack and sit down and just explain things to him.”
“I can’t. I can’t even think about him and not feel so much resentment for how he treated me in the past.”
After a moment of silence, Amanda added, “I hate to be the voice of reason, but I don’t think you have a choice anymore, do you? Jack’s entitled to be a part of his son’s life. You have to let him in. I know it will be hard but you don’t have a choice. And Sammy needs him in his life.”
“And what if he wants to take Sammy away? I don’t think I could bear to lose my son.” Rachel couldn’t keep the fear from showing in her voice.
“Rachel, Jack’s not a monster. I’m sure you two can work something out. Give h
im time. He’s still in shock right now. I’m sure the last thing he was expecting to find was that he has been a father all these years. It has to be a shock.”
“I hope you’re right. Amanda, thank you.”
“For what?”
“For listening. For not judging me.”
“You’re my friend and I care about you. Try not to worry. These things always have a way of working out. We’ll talk more later, okay?”
Rachel hung up, feeling slightly better than she had a few hours earlier. At least she had someone else on her side.
No matter how much her mother and Michael cared about her and understood her pain, Rachel knew they both believed, she should have told Jack about Sammy years ago.
“Momma, I finished up everything on my plate. Can we put up Gran’s tree now?”
Somehow, she managed to let go of her misgivings for the moment. She smiled down at her son. “Sure. Right after I take a shower.”
“Ah, Mom.” Sammy turned and sulked back into the kitchen. The way he walked, his mannerisms, all became mounting evidence of Jack’s paternity. She’d seen that same pout on Jack’s face whenever he didn’t get something he wanted.
“I’ll only be a minute, I promise.”
Rachel showered and dressed as quickly as possible, trying not to prolong Sammy’s grief any longer than necessary.
As she headed for the living room, she heard Sammy talking to someone.
Rachel hurried down the hall. Sammy was far too trusting, even though she’d warned him about talking to strangers. But in the country, there wasn’t much danger to be concerned about. This wasn’t the country.
Rachel rounded the corner and found Michael sitting next to Sammy on the floor in front of the hall closet. Liz’s old Christmas tree and decorations lay scattered around them.
“Sammy, I thought you were going to wait for my help.” She wasn’t really surprised that he hadn’t. Sammy was as strong willed as they came. Just like...she dismissed that thought in an instant. She was sick of comparing her son to Jack.
Michael got to his feet and gave her a hug. “Sorry, Rach. I walked in just as he was reaching for the tree. I kinda helped out a little.”