Numb

by Tanya Paterson

  “Pardon?” I was distracted by his appearance and couldn’t remember what he’d said.

  “Nice car,” he said nodding towards my car, “don’t see many Minis around here. It’s a sweet ride.”

  “Thanks,” I said closing the door and locking it. I forced a smile and hoped it looked genuine. “It was a welcome gift from my family.”

  “So you’re the new guy.” It was a statement not a question.

  “Yes….I’m here on exchange,” I said rather awkwardly, trying out the phrase for the first time while really thinking exile.

  “I’m Dave,” he said with a nod of his head and the confidence of someone who was at the top of the food chain.

  “Alex.”

  I offered my hand to shake and after a moment’s hesitation he took it. The second he gripped my hand I regretted it. His hands were massive and his grip fierce. At least the crush didn’t last long, one quick shake before he shook me off. I slipped my bag over my shoulder and tried not to limp as I walked with him towards the school but I saw him noticing my awkward gait out of the corner of his eye.

  “Do you like in town?” I asked quickly, before he could ask questions I didn’t want to answer, and I turned the collar of my polo shirt up higher.

  “Yeah, I live on the other side of the mill.” Dave’s head jerked in the direction of the twin smoke stacks of the sugar cane mill which towered over the tiny town. “Where did you roll in from?”

  “London.”

  “London? No shit! What are you doing here?” His eyes widened incredulously, as if only someone with serious mental issues would choose to move from London to Proserpine. As if I had a choice in the matter in the first place.

  “Bikinis.”

  “What?”

  The confusion was so evident in his expression I could almost see the gears in Dave’s brain working – trying to determine if he’d misheard me. Or maybe he was just having trouble understanding my accent. Regardless, my answer served its purpose and distracted him.

  “Girls in bikinis,” I said slowly, carefully pronouncing each word.

  Dave smiled, a hint of relief washing over his face, as if our hands touching earlier had made him wonder if I was gay.

  “Bikinis huh? I think you and I are going to be great mates, Alex. You’re going to love it here,” Dave said, motioning for me to follow as he walked across the road towards the school gates.

  I’d parked directly across from the main entrance. The school wasn’t much to look at and didn’t have a lot to recommend it at a glance. It was the antithesis to the boarding school I’d previously attended which had a long history of educating former politicians, influential business leaders and foreign royalty. It had been the kind of school where you put your child’s name down at birth, and then prayed to get a place. Either that or make a hefty donation.

  My new school couldn’t have been more different. The school was a collection of concrete buildings with corrugated iron roofs and temporary mobile office units which looked as if they’d been there for decades. Boxy air-conditioning units randomly jutted out from the walls, some alarmingly only five feet above ground level, just waiting to send a student to accident and emergency with a head or facial injury. You wouldn’t enrol here by choice; you did so because you had no choice. Because there was no other school within 150km.

  If I hadn’t arrived already feeling broken, I would definitely be by the end of the year. Perhaps even by the end of the month. Christ, it took a Herculean effort not to turn and leave that second. Sure I’d messed up and it was my own fault that led to me standing in the scorching heat in an unfamiliar country, but I hadn’t wanted to be ostracised, I’d just wanted to be heard. Who was there to listen to me out here?

  I knew what was expected and I was nothing if not an expert at concealing my feelings. I ignored my despair and misery and strolled through the gates wearing my usual disguise. I would be friendly and sociable and the life of the party, no matter how increasingly difficult it was to play my part. It was the only way out of this mess. So I held my head high and got on with it.

  Shading the classrooms and buildings were tall eucalyptus trees which towered high above the iron roofs, their leaves drooping thirstily towards the dusty, parched earth. A small courtyard scattered with brightly painted concrete tables and benches sat just inside the front gates and it was here that students lingered in the shade of jacaranda trees, picking at the peeling paint on the tables and waiting for the school day to begin. Kids were hanging out before classes, laughing with friends, catching up on homework, or reluctantly dragging their heels through the gates. There were clusters of cliques – conscientious kids discussing coursework, sporty kids messing around with a rugby ball, a few no-hopers slouching in with cigarettes hanging defiantly, though half-hidden, from their fingers.

  But the biggest difference this school had to my old school was the dozens, and I mean dozens, of gorgeous tanned girls fussing with their clothes and nails and hair. Yep, girls. My first co-ed school. I did a double take. Maybe there was an upside to this punishment after all. I’d been trying to deflect Dave’s question but maybe the bikini remark wouldn’t be too far off the truth. My smile shone that little bit brighter at the possibilities.

  Dave stopped by a low-set brick building and pointed me towards the office which had an oversized ‘Reception’ sign by the door.

  “Right, here’s reception,” he said, redundantly.

  “Thank you.” I made myself smile again.

  “Hey, look Alex, why don’t we meet at lunch and I’ll introduce you to my mates,” he pointed to a group of friends sitting around one of the tables under a huge tree. A hot blonde with hair streaming down her back stared back at us, at me, and fluttered her fingers to wave. I smiled in return. I might have been at an all-boys boarding school my entire school life but that didn’t mean I didn’t have any experience with girls. Quite the opposite. Things were definitely looking up.

  “Definitely,” I nodded. “It would be very nice to meet some people.”

  Dave laughed. “Somehow, I don’t think you’ll have any trouble meeting people,” he said, motioning behind me and I turned to see what had caught his attention. My gaze swept around the other students in the courtyard to see that almost everyone was staring at us, or rather, at me. I could pretend that it was because I was the first new face in years and they were curious but this wasn’t the first time I’d attracted attention, especially from the opposite sex. I knew girls thought I was good looking. They noticed the face or the clothes and I was glad of that because it meant they saw what I wanted them to see and nothing more.

  Except as I looked around at my fellow students, I was startled by a bright flame of colour and my fixed smile momentarily slipped from my lips.

  She was the kind of girl you couldn’t help but notice simply because she looked so entirely different to everyone else. She had pale skin and a shock of auburn hair that fell to her shoulders. No auburn wasn’t the right colour. Neither was red. Or ginger. It was orange. Bright orange. As bright as a flame.

  I felt an involuntary jolt when her eyes locked with mine as if I’d been shocked with electric paddles from a defibrillator.

  Wow, that’s weird.

  She was sitting further away from the others next to a boy who was huge; well over six feet tall and horribly obese. She was his antithesis – small and slim with tiny, delicate features. Her skin was too pale – surprising because almost everyone else, with the exception of the boy next to her, had deep golden tans.

  She was still staring at me. A lot of people were staring, but her gaze made me feel nervous and uncomfortable and not just because I couldn’t stop staring back. Her green eyes were serious, thoughtful, and I felt like they could see right through me.

  See the person hiding under the skin.

  See me.

  And that scared the hell out of me.

  CHAPTER 5

  HAYLEY

  I was still searching in my bag
when Pete’s chest rumbled with a low moan.

  “Mmmmm….hello gorgeous!”

  I glanced up and followed his line of sight to see a boy standing with Dave Matthews outside of reception. For the first time in my life I did a double-take.

  Wow.

  Whoever this guy was he was shockingly beautiful. His eyes were so dark they were almost as black as his hair which was long and curled messily around his ears and neck in a perfect just-rolled-out-of-bed look. My eyes drifted down over the contours of the muscles in his arms and shoulders, the definition in his legs, and right back up again to those eyes.

  He was sublime and I was awestruck. I’d never been awestruck before. I realised my mouth was hanging open like Pete’s and quickly snapped it shut before anyone noticed my embarrassing behaviour.

  Dave waved and pointed to his friends sitting at the popular table outside the English classrooms and the boy smiled and nodded in acknowledgement. One of the girls, Ally Simpson, smiled and waved back, her eyes shining with promises. Ally wasn’t the kind of girl to hold back when she saw something she wanted.

  I looked around and realised Pete and I weren’t the only ones ogling the new guy. In a few short minutes, he’d stolen the attention of the entire school. Everyone was staring at him – even the guys – and many of the girls were already whispering and speculating and imagining and plotting. I would have felt self-conscious at this level of attention, but this guy seemed totally at ease and unfazed as if he was used to being adored. Everything about him suggested he was somebody. The way he confidently met everyone’s scrutiny, the way he wore his collar turned high against his neck, the expensive leather satchel slung casually across his body. He was rich and good looking and in Proserpine that combination was as rare as it was desirable. Every girl at school except me would be dying to be his girlfriend. I didn’t do boyfriends (or girlfriends for that matter). I did everything in my power to make sure boys didn’t look at me like that, and that was how it needed to stay.

  I could still look at him though. Actually, I couldn’t help but look.

  Why couldn’t I stop staring??

  It wasn’t just that he was so fascinating and staring at him produced butterflies inside my chest, there was something about him that was intriguing but after a minute or two of trying to figure out what it was, I felt more puzzled and confused than awestruck. Something about this whole scene didn’t ring true. He was smiling and talking easily with Dave, but his smile never quite reached his eyes. I got the feeling he was performing a part or re-enacting a scene he’d played many many times before. Weird, I know, but if there’s one thing I’d learnt in my seventeen years, it was to always trust my gut.

  Somehow I knew this boy was hiding behind a mask and I know, I know, isn’t everyone? Except this boy was in a league of his own. He disguised his secrets so expertly that I’d wager most people wouldn’t even dream he had any. But I’d bet he did. I could feel the truth of him inside.

  Why was that?

  He turned to take in the crowd of students who were by now gawping openly at him, smiling easily as he met their stares. Soon his gaze moved to where Pete and I were sitting and I felt a shock of butterflies as his eyes met mine.

  Wow, that’s weird.

  His smile dipped slightly but he didn’t divert his attention. His gaze lingered a moment longer as if he too couldn’t look away from me.

  I was also used to people staring at me but for completely different reasons. I was the freaky looking, weird girl from the screwed-up hippy family. People who’d known me forever didn’t give me a second glance but customers in the shop always did a double-take and stared like this boy was staring but he didn’t seemed repelled or put-off as most other guys did. He was looking at me the way I was looking at him.

  Why couldn’t I stop staring at him?

  The first bell rang signalling ten minutes till class and finally he broke the connection and I felt as if I was being released from a spell. Pete turned to me, his face as bright and eager as a child’s on Christmas morning.

  “Hope he’s gay.”

  Hope he’s not.

  “He doesn’t look gay,” I said instead.

  “No,” he mused, before his eyebrows danced with excitement, “but maybe he’s willing to experiment.”

  I rolled my eyes and let myself be distracted by Pete’s wishful thinking. “The real question is, when will you be willing to experiment?”

  “When I find someone to experiment with, sweet pea. Maybe next week at the Reef. You know, it’s not easy being the only gay in the village,” he sighed dramatically, quoting his favourite Little Britain line. “Though with this new guy in town, maybe I’m not the only one anymore.”

  I smiled indulgently at him, grateful for the diversion from the new questions coursing through my mind and body. It wasn’t like I could tease. I’d never had a boyfriend either, not that it bothered me the way it bothered Pete or my mum for that matter. I wasn’t interested in any of the guys I’d met who all seemed to be obsessed with sex, football, sex, fishing and sex, and even if I was, none of them were interested in me which was exactly the way I wanted it. There were too many other things to focus on – like getting into university and making enough money to afford to live when I got there – that I didn’t need any romantic distractions right now. Or maybe even ever.

  “Pete, is our chemistry test today?”

  Helen dumped her bag on the ground and half a dozen text books spilled onto the concrete. She took an elastic band from around her wrist and messily tied her long black hair back in a bun. She looked more stressed and tired than usual.

  “I think I’m in love,” Pete said, ignoring Helen, his eyes slightly glazed over. He was in his happy place.

  “What?” Helen asked me, confused.

  “Pete’s in love….again.”

  “Of course,” Helen rolled her eyes tiredly. Not a week went by when Pete hadn’t found a new infatuation. Mostly his interest would be directed at a picture of some Hollywood hottie, but today’s infatuation had been glimpsed in the real-live flesh. I was steeling myself for a month long obsession at least.

  “Chem-is-try test?” Helen repeated a little louder as if talking to a senile senior citizen.

  “Tomorrow,” he said in a faraway voice, still daydreaming.

  “Oh that’s a relief,” she noticeably relaxed, “I was up till two studying just in case but I’ll never be ready. I’ll pull another all-nighter tonight just to be sure.”

  She crouched down and started shoving her books back into her bag. Trust my friends to take my mind off things. Helen, not ready to ace a test? In which universe?

  “In which universe are you not ready to ace a test?” Pete asked, back on planet Earth. I looked at my freaky mind-reader best friend in shock, my mouth hanging open.

  Pete noticed my surprise with a raised eyebrow. “What?” he asked innocently. I just rolled my eyes in response.

  “This one,” Helen continued, as oblivious as usual to anything that didn’t concern study. “Remember that Physics test last month?”

  “You got 94%!”

  “Exactly. I should have done better,” she berated herself.

  Pete and I rolled our eyes in unison this time. I thought I was tough on myself but Helen was ten times tougher. Inside that tiny Chinese body of hers was a steely drive and limitless energy. She worked harder than anyone I’d met and not just at school. Helen’s parents owned The Golden Dragon restaurant in Airlie Beach and she was permanently sleep-deprived from studying into the early hours after working long nights waitressing. In the four years I’d known her I’d never once heard her whinge or complain. She once said she was lucky to have opportunities her parents never had in China and she felt obligated to make them proud. Helen and Pete would totally tie for first place in a would-be-saint competition.

  “Oh Hayley, before I forget to ask…are you busy next Saturday night?”

  “We were just talking about going to see a band in Ma
ckay. Why? Do you need me to work?”

  “Could you, please?” she begged. Helen could also do a fair impersonation of pleading puppy dog eyes when she set her mind to it. “Dave Matthews has booked out half the restaurant for his birthday. It’s going to be manic. You know what they’re all like. I can’t handle them like you can. Pretty please?”

  I glanced at Pete, waiting for his reaction. He sighed, dramatically of course, and shrugged. “We can go another time,” he said overly-glumly although he knew Helen wouldn’t ask unless she really needed help. “Besides, I know you need the money.”

  “Sure, I can work,” I said as brightly as I could manage.

  “Thank you so much Hay,” she replied, obviously relieved. “I really really appreciate it.”

  I didn’t mind helping out, but of all nights it had to be Dave Matthew’s eighteenth birthday, and well, it might be awkward. My skin was already crawling at the thought. Dave Matthews made my skin crawl. Our dads had been best mates so Dave and I were thrown together a lot when we were little kids, but stuff happened just before high school and I’d done everything I could to avoid him and his family ever since. Dave however, had been doing everything he could to stay friends. He’d have deliberately booked his party at The Dragon, knowing Helen would ask me to work. But I could handle Dave, and Pete was right, I needed the money.

  “Come, sweet Helly,” boomed Pete in his dramatic stage voice, obviously over his sulk. He stood up and grabbing his bag with one hand and dabbing sweat from his forehead with his towel in the other. “Let us depart or we risk the wrath of our master mathematician. We shall meet again, fair Hayley,” he added, bowing to me. I stifled a laugh.

  “Thanks again, Hay.”

  “It’s ok, no probs, Hel.”

  Pete and Helen strode off to their Maths class and I was left alone with only my thoughts for company. Thoughts which were fixed on two different guys. Both who made me feel unusually nervous and anxious but for entirely different reasons.