Numb

by Tanya Paterson

  Although if I’m being completely honest, sometimes a small voice from somewhere deep down inside wondered if I shouldn’t cut myself off from everyone so absolutely. That maybe I was missing out on…I don’t know what…ok I do know….here goes…the voice wondered if I was missing out on something more than friendship. You know what I mean. The L word. I knew I loved my family and friends but romantic love?…I didn’t know if it existed, but if it did, the idea of finding it was equally thrilling and terrifying. It scared me so much it was safer to just forget about boys altogether. Helen was my main moral supporter. She wasn’t interested in romance either but mostly because her parents would totally freak out if she ever had a boyfriend. The only male her mum and dad let within ten feet of her was Pete and only because they knew there was a less-than-zero chance he wanted to have sex with their precious daughter.

  Pete however was the world’s biggest cheerleader for hooking up. He was constantly on the prowl and persistently begged me to go cruising with him in some delusional fantasy that an enormous gay guy and a small orange-haired girl made a good team for picking up. It went without saying Pete had yet to succeed. The sad reality was that I was too chicken, and Pete, well, although he was blindingly beautiful on the inside no guy had yet been enlightened enough to get past the less-than-perfect exterior to find that out.

  It was the way the world worked. People judged others on their appearance and rarely by the person who lay inside. Why do you think I died my hair orange in the first place?

  “Oh god he’s so gorgeous.”

  “Have you checked out that body?”

  “I would love to get my hands on that.”

  “Did you see his car? Ally said he’s filthy rich.”

  “What do you think he’s like in bed?”

  “You got Dave.”

  “So?”

  “It means I get dibs.”

  “Then you’d better move fast. Ally’s deadset on getting him first.”

  “Duh? What do you think I’m doing here so early?”

  Krista and Rachael sauntered past me on their way back to the school gates. Earlier, I’d noticed them arrive and drop their bags and they were now walking back to the entrance again when I overheard their conversation and realised exactly what they were doing: they were stalking Alex.

  I slammed my book on the table as an unfamiliar emotion roared to the surface. It was so powerful that I couldn’t stop myself from making an extremely derogatory and filthy comment which Krista and Rachel overhead because I wasn’t smart enough to say it quietly or keep it to myself. I didn’t often loose my temper but something about these girls always set my teeth on edge. It had always been that way. Even before I changed my appearance, back to when we were in pre-school and they realised I’d never want to be in their gang. They’ve hated me ever since.

  Krista and Rachel’s synchronised glares and narrowed eyes lasted only a millisecond before they flicked their perfect hair over their shoulders in a gesture of dismissal as if I wasn’t worth a second more of their attention. But I knew better, and so did Helen apparently.

  “You’re going to pay for that later,” Helen muttered, shaking her head. “You should have left it alone, Hay. Don’t you remember what happened last time?”

  I did.

  The year before, Krista and I were in the same History class. We’d been studying American post-civil war history and I remember hearing Krista say to the person next to her, “there was an American civil war?” and I couldn’t help myself, I burst out laughing. Actually it was more like a guffaw, a very loud one, which the entire class copied. Naturally, it didn’t go down well with Krista. Later that week I found my history book and term notes ripped up and stuffed in a toilet. Payback was a bitch.

  “I know,” I sighed, rolling my eyes. “It’s just….please…they’re acting like Alex is some bloody movie star. They’re only interested in him because he’s ‘filthy rich’ and has a ‘gorgeous body’ and a nice car. It’s like it’s this competition between them as to who can get their hands on him first before they divvy up the spoils. They don’t give a shit about who he really is.”

  “Uh huh,” Helen murmured, looking up briefly as she tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear, “but that’s what they’re like.” And she shrugged as if to say ‘what-can-you-do?’ and stuck her nose back in her book. She obviously didn’t think Alex or his fan club were worth any more attention.

  I gritted my teeth in frustration.

  Helen was right about one thing.

  I should have left it alone.

  After the history-notes-in-the-toilet episode, I thought I’d finally learnt to control myself around those girls. I usually avoided any contact with them. Sometimes I would exchange a word or two with Kylie in class, but Krista’s and Rachael’s and Ally’s were giggling boy-crazed conversations to be too mundane and petty to even show up on my radar. So why did I snap at them today?

  What was wrong with me?

  Something was affecting me. Or someone.

  Because normally I couldn’t have cared less.

  CHAPTER 10

  ALEX

  Hayley wasn’t sitting in the same seat as last time. She’d moved one table closer to my usual spot and she faced towards me. I was pleased and worried at the same time. How was I was going to study with her facing me all period? Actually it wasn’t like I’d done any work since that first day as she was too present in the room and made me nervous. I didn’t know who I should be around her. Inside was dark and bitter, but around Hayley I felt lighter and hopeful as if she inspired something positive to bloom inside me. Christ, I sounded like a bloody poet.

  Instead of taking my usual seat, I walked one table over, closer, pulled out a chair that faced her and sat down. There were no spare tables between us now. Maybe next week we’d share a desk. Hayley looked up and smiled.

  “Hi Alex,” she said and I felt a now familiar warmth spread through my body. I wondered what her laugh sounded like.

  “G’day.”

  “Terrible accent,” she smiled wider.

  She really does have a beautiful smile.

  “It’s a shocker,” I agreed in my worst Australian accent, playing it up even more.

  It worked. She laughed. Not a silly, high-pitched, flirtatious giggle but a genuine laugh. I felt myself lighting up inside.

  “Impressive,” she joked, “you’ve mastered the language barrier, lingo and accent already. I think you’ve settled right in.”

  “Almost,” I said slowly, unable to completely lie to her.

  Why was that?

  “I mean, everyone’s been very friendly,” I added quickly.

  “No homesickness then?”

  Home. I wasn’t sure I even had a home anymore.

  “No, I don’t miss home at all,” I said, trying to sound as blasé as possible as I opened my books and notepad. It was easier to lie when I wasn’t looking at her eyes. I actually hadn’t heard a word from my parents since I’d arrived in Australia. I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about that. On one hand it was a relief. On the other, I felt abandoned.

  “Really?” she said. I could feel her staring at me quizzically.

  “Well, maybe I miss some things,” I admitted, thinking of civilisation, clubs, bars, and blurry weekends – not my parents.

  “I’ve never been to London. What’s it like?”

  I met her gaze. “Grey, wet and cold. The exact opposite of the Whitsundays.”

  “Hmmm….sounds…exotic,” she said, laughing to herself and it made me smile. “What about your family? It must be hard for them with you so far away. They must miss you a lot.”

  “Yes, of – of course they do,” I stammered, my smile quickly turning into a frown. I looked down at the doodles I’d drawn on my pad and crossed out the drawings with deep pen marks. I didn’t want to think about my family. “Actually I haven’t heard from my parents in a while,” I admitted, surprised that I was mentioning them and then hurriedly added, “
well, you know, they’re very busy.” Shrug it off, it doesn’t matter.

  There was an uncomfortable pause and I felt as if she was reading between the lines, seeing too much.

  “Crikey, is that the time?” I said quickly in my worst Australian accent, aware of Hayley’s lingering scrutiny.

  “Mon dieu! Zut alors!” she said, hold my gaze a moment longer before directing her attention back to her work.

  “Geez! And you thought my accent was awful,” I muttered just loud enough for her to catch. She stifled a laugh as I lowered my head down to study. Or at least pretended to.

  The weekend dragged too slowly. I worked my way through the DVDs on the shelf, lazed by the pool and hung around the house till I was out of my mind with boredom.

  There was only so much solitary confinement I could take and all this down time was too inclined to introspection.

  Late Sunday afternoon I drove down to Airlie Beach and sat on a weather-beaten wooden bench that overlooked the marina and watched the brightly coloured daylight faded to pastel as the sun set below the hills behind me. I must have spent an hour watching fishing boats and luxury yachts return to the marina at dusk, the voices and laughter of their passengers rising to my vantage point as they unloaded bags and cargo onto the dock. Under other circumstances – less duress – I may have agreed with the tourist brochures and marketing hype that claimed the Whitsunday Coast was a tropical paradise. Even to my critical eye, the scenery was stunning – white sandy beaches shaded by coconut palms, kaleidoscopic marine life inhabiting the reef, dolphins and turtles playing in sheltered bays, exquisite pink and pale blue sunsets. Yes, it was a dream holiday destination but I wasn’t on holiday. My appreciation was incapacitated by the flip side to all that natural beauty – isolation, boredom, acute sensory-deprivation of the pharmaceutical kind, the fact that I was there against my will. No matter what delights the Whitsundays held for tourists, to me the place was a constant reminder that I could never escape from my own personal hell.

  CHAPTER 11

  HAYLEY

  The weekend couldn’t have been better.

  I finally managed to get ahead with my schoolwork, finishing an Economics assignment on the riveting subject of fiscal policy, as well as a human rights essay for Legal Studies – both of which were not due for weeks. Also, amazingly, I think I even began to understand trigonometry. Oh yeah, I was in the zone.

  For as long as I could remember, Pete had religiously spent one day of the weekend at my house and on Saturday we hung out at the farm. Pete helped me with my chores – feeding our menagerie of animals, tidying the house – and we lazed around on the veranda listening to music and doing homework until Sean dropped Pete at home after dinner.

  All day Sunday I worked at Juicy Bits, pocketing a nice haul of tips for my sick car fund. My battered old VW Bug was beginning to cost me so much in regular maintenance and repairs that I was seriously considering taking the bus to school, something I hadn’t done since I was ten. So I was thrilled to have the extra cash because I knew that come the following month, it would probably go on much needed repairs for the old girl.

  To top off my brilliant weekend, I even managed to squeeze in some Hayley-Helen time which was a rare treat as Helen had even less free time than me. We met for a late lunch at the Dragon (free lunch – bonus!) while I helped her prep for the dinner rush.

  By the time I drove home late that afternoon I was ticking off my accomplishments with relish.

  Homework? Tick.

  Down-time with Pete? Tick.

  Helen-bonding? Tick.

  Not thinking about a certain English boy who fascinated me? Yeah, I couldn’t tick off that one. Not by any means.

  As my beloved car spluttered along the dusty back roads, the sun was low behind the hills, casting them in a pale purplish light, while frothy cappuccino-like clouds were lying low overhead, threatening to release a torrent. Even with the windows wound all the way down it still felt like a sauna inside my car as I pried my sweaty t-shirt from my clammy skin. I drove past one sugar cane farm after another after another. For hundreds of kilometers in all directions, the cane fields stretched across the horizon like tall elephant grass; fodder for the sweet tooth. There was no mistaking the boundaries of our farm because the cane fields abruptly ended and were replaced by tall mango trees and rows of spiky pineapples plants. The sweet scent in the air reminded me that I was home.

  As I pulled into our drive I realised I was happy, not just because I’d had a great weekend although that definitely had a lot to do with my good mood. Most of all I was happy because the weekend was over. I was looking forward to school the following day, or more specifically, looking forward to the period before lunch in the library.

  Yes, there definitely was something seriously wrong with me.

  Or maybe something seriously right?

  CHAPTER 12

  ALEX

  Somehow, I don’t know how (ok, I do know how) I found myself giving Ally a lift home after school Monday. I knew the score. She’d shamelessly flirted with me all week and I’d shamelessly flirted back.

  Why not? I thought. She was a nice girl: easy going, pretty, hot body. I liked her, not as much as she seemed to like me but I liked her enough.

  And I really needed someone to help take my mind off other matters.

  “Come in for a swim,” she said invitingly, “my parent’s won’t be home till later.”

  She didn’t want to swim. I knew that, and Ally knew that I knew that. And again I thought, why not? Ally was exactly my type. She was hot and nice and it would be as uncomplicated a thing as these things ever were.

  Don’t do this. Not with her.

  My hand paused on the car door as my mind struggled to make sense of my hesitation. Why was I still sitting in the car when I could be in Ally’s bedroom tearing my clothes off?

  I shrugged it off. “I’d like that.” I smiled and followed her in.

  We barely made it through the front door before she made the first move. The next thing I knew we were a tornado of lips and tongues and fingers. In the dark room I slipped my hand under her shirt as she put hers down my pants – I guess there wasn’t going to be much foreplay. Fine with me.

  This is a mistake.

  “Wait,” I said, as Ally started to take off my shirt. “Leave it on.”

  I had to get at least partially undressed but didn’t want Ally, or anyone, to see the full extent of my scars just yet. I didn’t want to be reminded. I wanted to forget. Forget about the past and the future and exist in the here and now. For just one moment I wanted to lose myself in the present and not think about anything else.

  So that’s what I did.

  “Will you pick me up for school tomorrow?” Ally murmured a little later, kissing my chin, her breath hot against my skin. “So we can go together.”

  Told you so.

  I wasn’t a fool. I’d danced this dance before. I’d known what Ally wanted from me the second I returned her smile that morning outside reception. You don’t get something for nothing, there’s always a price. Her price would be my time, my attention and eventually my credit card. It’s the law of the universe, my universe at least, and I knew there was no point trying to fight the forces of nature.

  “Sure.”

  “Cool. Maybe we could go to Airlie Beach after school.”

  “Ok.”

  “There’s a Mexican place there that does great food.”

  “Anything you want.”

  And before I knew it, Ally and I were going out.

  CHAPTER 13

  HAYLEY

  It was the first thing I heard that morning at school I stuffed my bag in my locker.

  “Well, there goes the last hope I had of ever finding a hot boyfriend amongst this scabby lot,” Pete said pouting and sniffing at the air as he leaned sullenly against his locker. No ‘hi’ or ‘how was your weekend?’ or ‘isn’t it hot today?’ – Pete launched straight into histrionics.

  “W
hat happened this time?” I asked. Another day, another drama with Pete.

  “Life is so unfair,” he whined. “Why? Why does it have to be so cruel, Hay? What did I ever do to upset the big Buddha up there?”

  “Pete – ”

  “He dangles my ultimate hopes and desires right under nose,” he continued, fluttering his hands in front of his face for emphasis or perhaps just to cool off, “and then just a quickly, he whisks him away.” Pete threw his hands pleadingly into the air, shouting “Why? Why? Why?”

  I stuck my head further into my locker in an attempt to disappear. No such luck.

  “You know,” Pete continued, poking a finger into my spine, “you could have told me he was straight instead of letting me get my hopes up.” I turned around to find Pete glaring at me as if I was responsible for his current crisis. I could tell it was going to be a long, long day.

  “Darling, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

  “I’m talking about your best buddy from the library.”

  Alex? What did this – whatever this was – have to do with Alex?

  “Pete,” I began, truly frustrated now as I slammed my locker and made eye contact. I spoke very slowly, enunciating each word carefully, “I. Have. No. Idea. What. You’re. Talking. About.”

  Pete sighed and fluttered his hands in the air, “Alex and Ally of course!”

  I ignored the little shiver that ran through me when I heard his name. What the hell did Alex or Ally have to do with destroying Pete non-existent love life?

  And could his pout get any bigger?

  “Oh my god, you don’t know!” he realised at last, standing bolt-upright in surprise. With a furious flutter of his pale eyelashes, Pete’s petulant pout and sullen mood vanished and he glowed at the chance to deliver fresh gossip. “Ally and Alex did the dirty and quite frankly disgusting horizontal hetero-humping yesterday after school. Everyone’s talking about it, I can’t believe you haven’t heard. Lord, it didn’t take her long to get her claws into him, the overly-tanned-highlighted-to-within-an-inch-of-her-life-Hollywood-waxed little floozy. She didn’t even give me a chance to…” he rambled on and on and on to himself as we walked towards the classrooms. I’d turned out somewhere around ‘humping’ because just one minute….