Numb

by Tanya Paterson

  During the winter months, I worked an extra afternoon at Juicy Bits as business was slower and I had time to fit in homework between customers. I was paid, the shop was staffed and homework was done – it was good all round. Today wasn’t busy but I wasn’t getting much homework done either. I was thinking about Alex. I couldn’t help it. I was in love with him.

  Alex had arrived back at school after a few days absence. He hadn’t been ill but had been in Sydney meeting, if the rumours were to be believed, the Prime Minister. I wouldn’t be surprised if they were true – there’d always been a lot more to Alex then he let on.

  The bell over the door jingled and I looked up from my perch behind the counter.

  Of course it was him.

  It’s about time, I thought. I’d been waiting all afternoon but I knew he would arrive eventually.

  “Hey,” I said jumping down from the stool to get a blender.

  “Hi.”

  I tried to ignore the blood pounding in my veins as I searched for the ingredients for Alex’s usual. He was such a regular customer now that his Funkadelic Fancy would often be prepared before he even made it to the head of the queue – when there was a queue that is.

  “Did you suffer withdraw symptoms in Sydney?” I smiled as I raised my voice to be heard over the whir of the blender.

  He looked surprised that I’d spoken. I guess after so many weeks of stoical silence, I would have been surprised too. But things had changed – I was beginning to trust my instincts again and they told me I needed to give Alex another chance. I might regret it later but I needed to try, at least one more time.

  “You heard about that did you?”

  I smiled to myself. Didn’t Alex realise he was still the centre of attention for the entire senior class? He might have withdrawn from everyone but that only made everyone even more interested.

  “I heard you met the Prime Minister.”

  Alex grimaced. “It’s not what everyone thinks,” he said. “My father was in Sydney with the British Prime Minister’s visit and I flew down to meet my dad.”

  I poured the smoothie into a cup, popped on the top with a straw and placed it on the counter, taking the $20 note that Alex put there and running it through the till.

  “How did it go with your dad?”

  Alex’s frown deepened as he slurped his smoothie. I knew Alex and his father had a difficult relationship but the wound seemed more raw today and it was unusual that Alex didn’t try to hide his feelings from me. Father issues were something I could relate to but it wasn’t like Alex knew that.

  “It sucked huh?” I said, holding out his change. “I’m sorry, Alex.”

  Alex’s silently raised his hand for his change and I pressed the money gently but firmly into his palm. Electricity shot up my arm and my hand lingered on his, enjoying the tingling sensation until the bell jingled as two girls (tourists I’d guessed judging by their bikinis and sarongs) walked into the bar. I smiled apologetically at Alex and slowly withdrew my hand before turning my attention to the new customers.

  As I took the girl’s order, I saw Alex sit on a high stool near the front of the shop and quietly sip his drink while staring blankly out of the window. I quickly prepared the drinks and after the customers left I walked over and sat down on the stool beside Alex, facing the window as he did. A few minutes passed silently before I caught Alex staring at me out of the corner of his eye. He looked wary. First a cease-fire on the silent treatment and now I was sitting next to him. My actions definitely confused him. Funny, I was beginning to think everything was starting to become crystal clear.

  “What was it like meeting the PM?”

  “Which one?”

  I turned to him. “You met both?!”

  Alex looked annoyed with himself. “I didn’t mean it to sound like I was boasting,” he sighed and shook his head, “I went to a few boring receptions and they were both there. It wasn’t as big a deal as you think. Back in England, I was dragged to these things all the time and they’re full of politicians and fat-cat businessmen stroking each other’s egos and pushing their own self-serving agendas.” He paused and looked right at me. “They’re not…real…Hayley. You’d hate it.”

  “You’re probably right,” I agreed. “But if I had the choice I wouldn’t mind hanging out with international dignitaries for a night instead of schlepping in a juice bar.”

  “I didn’t have a choice.”

  “What-“

  “Sorry,” he cut me off, apologising. “I’m still a bit on edge….its seeing my father again. I – I don’t really get on with my family.”

  “You’re not the only one, Alex. Lots of people have sucky parents.”

  “You don’t.”

  “That’s because you’ve only met my Mum,” I said and breathed in a shaky breath. “But my dad had…issues. He treated us badly. So I understand, I do.”

  There was a moment when I thought Alex might ask me to elaborate but thankfully he didn’t so I quickly added, “But you can’t let it get you down. You have to look on the bright side – hey, it could be worse!”

  “You’re a big believer in positive thinking, aren’t you?”

  “I try to be.”

  “‘We are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars’.”

  I smiled at the reference. “I love Oscar Wilde.”

  Alex twisted in his seat and faced me. “I know.”

  I know you, he said with his eyes.

  I know you too, I stared back.

  I’d always known the truth, the real and honest truth. Alex had been a chameleon who changed his personality to please everyone around him. Everyone except for me. He had done many things to make me doubt the person I’d seen, but the truth was always there in front of me and now he wasn’t hiding anymore.

  Alex took a long sip of his smoothie and after a beat said, “Hayley, I’m really sorry about what happened at Dave’s party…”

  I cut him short. “Everyone makes mistakes.”

  “You don’t,” he countered, sure of himself.

  “Are you kidding? I’ve made some spectacular ones, especially lately.” I admitted, shifting on my stool so that my body angled towards him. “But I’m hoping I can make up for my mistakes. Everyone deserves a second chance.”

  Like right here. Right now. If you get my meaning.

  If only I’d told Alex that afternoon that yes I liked him but I couldn’t go with him to Dave’s party because I had my own issues to deal with. I wish I’d told him I knew he was only pretending to be this person he thought everyone wanted him to be because while Alex seemed to have the perfect life and was good looking, intelligent, well connected and rich, the reality was that his life was not perfect. Inside Alex was so unhappy and alone that he would try anything and everything he could to escape. He became another person, he took drugs, he slept around – his behaviour was self-destructive and abusive.

  I could only imagine the lengths he’d gone to to escape – which reminded me…

  “What happened to you, Alex?” I asked, motioning to the scars on his neck and leg.

  Alex looked down at his hand which was resting on his leg and rubbed his thigh. I’d always suspected his scars weren’t the result of sporting accident. They were battle scars. They had to have been caused by something other than an accident. Something far worse.

  He breathed in deeply and slowly exhaled. “It’s a long story,” he said finally.

  “I’ve got time,” I said softly, indicating the empty store.

  Alex drained the last of his smoothie and stared into the empty cup for a long moment, his face pinched and flickering with emotion as he internally debated whether or not to tell me. Finally, I could see him steeling himself and he put his cup on the counter and turned to me….and the door opened as Mrs Sanderson from the bakery around the corner walked in to the shop.

  We both jumped apart with surprise.

  “Hello Hayley.”

  “Afternoon Mrs Sander
son,” I replied, apologising to Alex with a look. He shook his head as if to say ‘it’s ok’ and stood up, saying “I’ll catch you later.”

  I nodded silently and without another word, Alex opened the door and walked outside into the fading afternoon light while Mrs Sanderson chattered on about how quiet business was that day and that something needed to be done to bring more tourists to the area. I disguised my irritation at Mrs Sanderson’s lousy timing by plastering a smile on my face.

  It was the face I always donned for customers who were a little annoying. I’m sure other people wore a similar face at work, at school, even at home. Some people, like Alex, probably had dozens of different masks they exchanged throughout the day. I probably had less. There was the face I wore most of the time – the one I showed to my family and friends and the people I cared about. It was the most effortless face I wore, like an old pair of pyjamas that were so comfortable I didn’t even realise I had them on. There was the face I put on because I had to – the one I used to speak to a teacher at school or a customer at work or even the Prime Minister if I ever met him. I had to work harder to wear this face as it didn’t always come naturally to me. It was a face that felt like a pair of six-inch heals that pinched and rubbed the wrong way if I wore it for too long.

  And there was the face that I rarely, if ever, wore – the face that could betray my hearts fears as well as its desires. The face that knew my most desperate wishes and darkest secrets, my greatest desires and deepest pain. This face I kept hidden from everyone.

  But just maybe there was one person I didn’t want to hide it from anymore.

  CHAPTER 36

  ALEX

  It started with a ‘hey’ and a smile.

  A smile.

  My hopes soared from a smile because from that smile emerged a conversation and from that conversation we’d taken the tentative steps at rebuilding our friendship. No, not rebuilding, it was more like starting over. I wasn’t the person I’d been before Dave’s party. I’d changed. And I wanted Hayley to know I wasn’t that self-interested, self-serving, self-destructive arsehole anymore. But the strange thing was – I think she already knew.

  Hayley seemed to know me better than I did. She always had. I’d make a comment, it could be about nothing in particular or something ordinary like ‘that new X-Men film is good’ or ‘I’m looking forward to the Proserpine Show’ or whatever – it doesn’t matter I would just be making conversation – but then Hayley would respond with a comment like ‘you don’t really think that’ or ‘that’s not true’ or a sarcastic ‘yeah right’ and it would make me stop and think and realise that she was right. I didn’t really think that. It wasn’t true. It was almost as if I’d been talking on auto-pilot, spewing out mindless rubbish. But Hayley had seen right through me and she’d roll her eyes and I’d realise that it was ok, she understood. I was discovering who I was..

  “I’m glad we’re friends again,” she’d said to me.

  And we were friends. Just friends. Although I was even more madly in love with her then before.

  Every day with every smile and laugh and look, my feelings for Hayley grew. I still hoped and prayed that one day we could be more than just friends. Of course, I didn’t come right out and tell Hayley that I was desperately in love with her and freak her out and destroy any chance I had. I held back. I waited. And waited. And waited. I’d become good at waiting.

  Even so, that afternoon there was something I needed to do which couldn’t wait. I’d spent the entire day building my courage to confront her but it wasn’t until Hayley was gathering her books after the final bell that I threw my bag over my shoulder and walked around the table to stand next to her.

  “By the way,” I nervously cleared my throat. “Happy birthday.”

  Hayley’s eyes widened in surprise, “How did you…?”

  “ESP,” I said quickly and she gave me a wry look. “Charles told me,” I admitted.

  Hayley rolled her eyes. “I’m sure divulging personal information breeches my employment contract. You tell Charles I could sue him but I’ll let it go – this time,” she said tongue-in-cheek.

  Just give it to her.

  I took a deep breath. “I have something for you,” I said, holding the small silk pouch in the palm of my hand.

  Hayley looked at the gift and back at me in surprise and hesitated. I swallowed my growing doubts and said, apologetically, “You don’t have to open it now.” But she reached out to take the pouch, her eyes only briefly leaving mine. I felt so wound tight with nervousness and anxiety I thought I would snap. I had to look away.

  Get a grip Alex.

  Hayley loosened the drawstring opening and the necklace slid onto her waiting palm. She stood there open mouthed, brow furrowed, eyes wide, puzzled.

  My first through was she hated it, yet I could have sworn Hayley was looking at the same necklace at the market. I was sure this was the exact one she’d spent ages admiring.

  “I’m sorry, you don’t like it,” I jumped in before she could say anything, “I thought…”

  “How did you know?”

  “Charles told me it was your birthday.”

  Hayley shook her head. “No. How did you know to give this necklace?”

  Oh shit. The answer to that question would send up all kinds of ‘beware stalker’ flags which I completely deserved and make her run for the nearest blue uniformed officer. I didn’t answer.

  “I love it, Alex,” she said eventually and I let out the breath I’d been holding. “Thank you, it’s beautiful.”

  Hayley’s fingers gently traced the twisted carving of the Greenstone. “This design,” she said looking at the necklace, “it means….”

  “Eternity,” we both said at the same time.

  Hayley’s eyes peered into mine as if they were looking right into my soul. Electrons danced around us until the air was packed so densely a single spark could blow the library to smithereens. I wanted to reach out and…

  Easy tiger. Go slow.

  I listened to my inner voice. He was right, one step at a time. He’d always been right.

  I clenched my hands into fists at my side. “I’m glad you like it.”

  Hayley smiled and started to put on the necklace.

  As if they couldn’t stop themselves my hands reached out to take the necklace from her hand.

  “Here, let me.”

  Hayley bowed her chin to her chest and I slipped the thin leather strap over her head. I couldn’t resist sweeping the hair off her neck, my fingertips lightly brushing her soft, pale skin as I traced the line of the strap over her collarbone and down to where the stone settled above her breasts. My eyes and fingertips must have lingered too long because the next thing I remember she was clearing her throat nervously as she took a step backwards and said, “I have to go.”

  Oh Christ, I’d practically felt her up right there in the library. “I’m sorry…” I began but she quickly interrupted.

  “No,” she said firmly, shaking her head. “Don’t. It’s not…I mean…I – ” Hayley stumbled over the words as they tumbled out of her mouth. She didn’t finish, just flushed deeper and frowned deeper and said, “thanks again for the necklace Alex” before grabbing her bag and rushing out the door.

  Shit. I’d screwed up. Again.

  CHAPTER 37

  HAYLEY

  I bumped into Pete as I was running out of the library. Literally.

  “Oooofff,” he huffed as if he’d actually been injured by our collision. Instead, I was the one who’d bounced off his ample belly and fallen on my backside, my bag spilling its entire contents onto the ground.

  “Sorry,” I said, leaping up and hurriedly stuffed everything back in. I needed to get away from the library as fast as possible. Pete fell into step next to me as I sprinted towards my car.

  “Hey, birthday girl. Wait up.”

  I didn’t slow down. Pete raced along beside me, panting at the pace before grabbing my arm and halting me in the dead centr
e of the quadrangle where anybody could see us, see my panic.

  “Jesus, Mary and Joseph, sweet pea,” he gasped, doubling over with his hands on his knees as he tried to catch his breath. “Where’s the fire? Hey, nice necklace,” he said as he straightened up and noticed the greenstone necklace.

  “Alex just gave it to me for my birthday,” I reached up to touch the swirling pendent which rested between my breasts. The stone was cool and smooth which while I felt confused and alarmed.

  “Reeeally?” Pete’s voice rose a few octaves with excitement. I knew that tone. I quickly glanced around to see if we were attracting attention then said quietly, “We’re just friends, Pete.” Even if Alex’s touch indicated he wanted to be more than just friends.

  “Me thinks you still want it to be more, non?” he said, loudly, in a terrible French accent.

  Bloody hell! Couldn’t he tell this was the last place I wanted to have this conversation? I cast a glance back the way we’d come to be certain Alex hadn’t followed and gave Pete a look I hoped said JUST DROP IT. Didn’t work.

  “I knew it,” he squealed, clapping his hands together and startling a couple of younger kids that were passing. I grabbed Pete’s arm and dragged him towards my car while he kept babbling, “all this time you’ve said you’re not interested in boys or girls for that matter but I knew you weren’t headed for a nunnery. You. Like. Alex. You want him. You lurrrrve him. Go get him tiger. Rrrraaarrrr!”

  We stopped by my car and I unlocked it without saying a word.

  It was true. I liked Alex. A lot. In fact, I was pretty sure I’d been hopelessly in love with him for months. I’m sure if I Googled ‘love’ I’d find I had all the symptoms. I couldn’t stop thinking about him and the highlight of my day was when I saw him, every time he looked at me my heart stumbled in my chest and whenever he touched me I felt rushes of desire so overwhelming I almost couldn’t stop myself from wrapping my body around him.

  Except I did stop myself.