One Summer Night

by Emily Bold

  ‘Mia . . . Mia, your mom has cancer.’ He braced for a reaction – but there wasn’t one. Mia just stared at him with a blank expression on her face. ‘Do you understand what this means?’ he asked tenderly, realizing how shaky his own voice sounded.

  Mia looked past him in the direction of the staircase. She chewed her lip and didn’t say a word. Tim wanted to walk over to her, but she jumped to her feet as soon as he started moving.

  ‘I know what cancer is, Dad!’ she yelled angrily. ‘But what does it mean for us?’

  ‘I don’t know, honey. I really don’t. The doctors have given her a year and a half – but . . . but I find that impossible to believe.’

  He decided to move a step closer after all. Her skinny jeans were so tight on her legs that he could see her knees twitching. She had crossed her arms over her chest.

  ‘Leave me alone!’ she shouted, lashing out at him. ‘You’re lying! I hate you for saying it! If this is some kind of sick joke . . . Seriously, Dad! I hate you!’ She turned around and bolted up the stairs. Halfway up, she stopped and turned. ‘And if it’s true – then I hate you both!’

  Puzzled, Tim wondered if he should go after her. It was difficult news to digest, and a shock for Mia, so he should probably look after her. But he was afraid. Afraid of making her feel the same pain that had overwhelmed him for days.

  ‘Tim?’

  Lauren sounded sleepy. She was wearing a cami tank top, boxer briefs, and thick woolen socks. Her hair was tied in a loose bun, and he could see the swollen surgical scar on the back of her head as she came closer.

  ‘I heard Mia yelling. What happened?’

  She came closer and grabbed the throw from the sofa. She looked as she often did when he came home late from the law firm. Sometimes she would wait for him, snuggled up under the blanket in her PJs with a glass of red wine on the table. And tonight, like all those other nights, he wanted nothing more than to walk over and kiss her. But the vision of a future where he returned from the firm and nobody was waiting for him made him pause. Tim knew it was crazy. He wanted to kiss her, because she was here now, but he couldn’t. It was as if she were dissolving into thin air before his very eyes.

  ‘Tim?’ Lauren yanked him from his thoughts and sat down in his lap. He wrapped his arms around her and rested his head on her shoulder.

  ‘I told her,’ he confessed. ‘She caught me off-guard and asked what was going on. So I told her the truth.’

  Lauren wasn’t sure whether to be glad that she hadn’t been there, or to be hurt that he hadn’t included her in the conversation. At any rate, it was too late now to change it, so she tried to fight down her feelings and focus on what mattered.

  ‘So? How did she take it? And what did she say?’

  Tim tilted his head to the side and seemed unsure.

  ‘I think she couldn’t quite take in what it means. She was angry. You know what she’s like: Anger is her way of dealing with problems.’

  Lauren nodded quietly. She could only begin to imagine what thoughts might be running through her daughter’s head.

  ‘I should go to her. It’s not right to leave her alone after such a shock.’

  Lauren was about to get up, but Tim held her back.

  ‘Give her a moment to calm down.’

  Lauren loosened his grip and rose to her feet. She folded the blanket thoughtfully and placed it back on the sofa.

  ‘She’s my child – I need to make sure she’s all right.’

  Gingerly, Lauren knocked on Mia’s bedroom door but received no reply. She quietly pressed down the handle and peered into the room. Only the bedside light was still on, faintly illuminating Mia’s face. She was asleep, but the tears on her cheeks were not yet dry. She was still wearing her jeans and T-shirt, but Lauren didn’t want to wake her. Maybe her daughter was escaping to sleep so she wouldn’t have to face reality – after all, that’s exactly how Lauren had handled it that first afternoon. Tenderly, she stroked Mia’s golden curls. She fought back her tears because she could barely believe that one day soon she wouldn’t be here. Never again sit by Mia’s bedside, never again touch her hair. Never again listen to her regular breathing and pull the comforter over her shoulders.

  Mia was sighing in her sleep, and Lauren pressed her lips together to hold back the sobs. How would Mia handle the loss of her mother? Lauren was worried about the pain and loss her children would have to endure. She didn’t want to die, didn’t want to cause them unhappiness. Was there no god who could understand? Who loved her children enough to spare them the misery? She wasn’t asking for herself but for her children’s sake.

  For a long time, Lauren stayed by Mia’s bedside and mulled the situation over in her head. She didn’t want her children to have to bear this pain. Found it hard to picture what it would be like for her two girls to visit her at the hospital for weeks on end, to see the therapies take their toll, to witness her grow weaker every day. She didn’t know what to do. How could she protect her children?

  Tim gently cleared his throat behind her, making her look up. He was standing in the door, watching her.

  ‘Is she all right?’ he asked quietly, and Lauren reluctantly got up from the bed and tiptoed out of the room.

  ‘I don’t know. She was already asleep. But she looks peaceful, so I’m hoping she’s OK. I’m going to talk to her tomorrow. We can’t keep this bottled up – we need to talk about it.’

  As she did every night, Lauren also went into Alyssa’s room and breathed a kiss against her little girl’s baby-soft cheek. She tucked in the comforter around Alyssa’s shoulders, smiling to herself when she heard the soft snore that came as a response. Tim took her in his arms when she finally returned to their bedroom.

  ‘I need you, Lauren,’ he whispered, pressing her tightly against him. ‘I feel so lost . . .’

  Despairingly, he held on to her, and Lauren kissed a tear from his cheek.

  ‘Let’s not think about this anymore,’ she pleaded, pulling his T-shirt from his pants. ‘Let’s not think about anything anymore!’

  She raised her face to his, grateful when he responded, kissing her with desperate vigor. She could taste his fear, and it was as if they were trying to convince one another that they were both, at this moment, alive. Lauren dug her teeth into Tim’s lip, and when he gasped she felt relief. She wanted to replace the pain they’d been experiencing since her diagnosis with a different pain – one that would fade. And prove to herself that she wasn’t the only one who was vulnerable. She tasted Tim’s blood and felt his anger at her illness as he pulled off her briefs in one swift movement.

  The next morning, Lauren felt amazing. She managed to start her day without thinking about death every minute of every hour. Of course, she couldn’t shake the thought entirely, but she forced herself to get up and do things. She forced herself to feel a sense of normalcy, and it actually helped. Alyssa was bent over her bowl of cornflakes, chatting away about her visit to Aunt Rachel’s, when Mia came down the stairs. She looked angry, but Lauren intended to very gently explore how her oldest was really feeling.

  ‘Good morning, sweetie,’ she said and was about to take her in her arms when Mia pushed her away.

  ‘Don’t you dare touch me! You’re a liar!’

  ‘But, Mia . . . ?’

  The teenager turned to Alyssa. ‘Did you know Mom is dying?’

  ‘Mia!’ Lauren called out in shock. She circled the kitchen table and pressed her hands over Alyssa’s ears. ‘What do you think you’re doing?’ she snapped in a hushed voice, angrily glaring at Mia. ‘Do you have any idea what this will do to your sister?’

  ‘Her?’ Mia screeched with tears in her eyes. ‘What this will do to her? And who gives a shit about how my feelings? Is she the only daughter you have?’

  ‘No, of course not, but we can talk about it –Alyssa doesn’t understand what any of this means!’

  The little girl squirmed beneath Lauren’s fingers. Lauren could tell how confused
she was and that she was well aware that something was wrong.

  ‘Oh, for real?’ Mia hissed. ‘We can talk? Since when? You weren’t even going to tell me!’

  ‘That’s not true. We didn’t want to alarm you. I don’t want you to worry,’ Lauren tried to placate her daughter. She let go of Alyssa, pulling Mia into her arms instead. ‘Don’t you know how much I love you? We were only trying to protect you.’ She kissed Mia on the top of her head and pressed her tightly against her. ‘Everything’s going to be all right,’ she promised, even though she knew it was a lie. But how else could she take the pain and the fear away?

  ‘Mommy, what’s going on?’ Alyssa whined, staring at them confusedly. Her natural curiosity was piqued. ‘Why is Mia is shouting? And why is she saying stupid things?’

  Lauren snorted – she had seen this coming!

  ‘I will explain everything later, sweetheart – first we need to get Mia ready for school because we’re already running late.’

  ‘School?’ Mia asked in disbelief and made a point of sitting down on one of the barstools. ‘You want me to go to school? Now?’

  Lauren glanced over to the calendar. She touched her forehead. Was she missing something? Had she forgotten something again?

  ‘Today’s a school day, isn’t it?’ Tim had left the house this morning – to go to work . . . right? ‘Shit!’ Lauren muttered. She couldn’t trust her own brain.

  ‘Well, I’m not going!’ Mia declared matter-of-factly. ‘How can you send me away when you . . .’ She cautiously glanced over to Alyssa, but her baby sister was busy fishing the last few cornflakes from her bowl. ‘. . . when you’re dying?’

  Lauren raised her eyebrows. It was the first time that Mia’s cool front started to show cracks, and she could tell how hard the news had hit her.

  Tenderly, she touched Mia’s cheek and swallowed the lump rising in her throat.

  ‘I promise I’m not going to die today, all right? So you can stop worrying and go to school.’

  ‘That’s just stupid! I’m serious, I’m not going anywhere. Nothing matters anymore . . .’

  ‘School does matter! And you’re going to go.’

  ‘Yes, Mia has to go to school today – so she doesn’t stay stupid! And I have to go to preschool so I can go to school one day, too!’ Alyssa declared, smacking her lips. Apparently, she had forgotten all about the fact that something was wrong. She petted her gray toy elephant, then wiped her mouth with a paper napkin before turning her attention back to her stuffed toy. Fortunately, she was so busy that she completely ignored her sister flipping her the bird.

  ‘Hey!’ Lauren warned, turning to Mia. ‘I’m serious. Nothing changes, we’re going to continue with our lives. Your dad and I will find a solution. You need to trust us.’

  She received a doubtful stare in response, but in the end Mia grabbed her school backpack and left the house.

  When the door closed behind Mia, Lauren let out a sigh of relief. She walked over to the kitchen cabinet and took the prescription vial from the top shelf. She felt extremely dizzy, and her field of vision was blurred. It scared her, but she refused to give in to the fear. And so she quickly washed down the pill with some tap water.

  * * *

  Mia pressed her lips together, looking embarrassed. There was remorse in her eyes as she looked at her mother. In the soft light of the bonfire, this teenager – who could be so pig-headed at times – suddenly seemed vulnerable, and Lauren was no longer sure that she was doing the right thing. She loved her children so much!

  ‘I was really mad at you, Mom,’ Mia confessed haltingly, and snuggled against Lauren’s chest like a little girl.

  ‘I’m sorry, Mia. I never wanted to make you sad,’ Lauren whispered, running her hand down her daughter’s back. She was so skinny. Lauren turned her eyes to the night sky, sending a prayer for her children’s well-being. For Mia, who was as vulnerable as a butterfly . . .

  Insight

  Lauren had just dropped Alyssa off at her preschool when the telephone rang. She briefly contemplated not answering because her head was spinning. Maybe she should contact Doctor Eckhard?

  But since the telephone kept ringing, she eventually decided to pick up. It was Mia’s school. Mia wasn’t in class, and her teacher wondered if she was taking a sick day.

  Lauren’s initial reaction was shock, but the more she thought about it, the less surprising it all was. To avoid a situation, she fudged an excuse.

  ‘Yes, Mia isn’t feeling well today. I think she’s got a virus. I was just about to call you, I know I should have called sooner, but . . . but it completely slipped my mind this morning. I’m sorry for the inconvenience.’

  Lauren was very proud of herself – she could easily have screamed at the teacher, telling her about her cancer and how she was going to die soon and that she no longer cared about such inconsequential things. Which would have been a lie, of course, because Mia skipping class was not insignificant. And yet, it somehow wasn’t a lie. She didn’t want to spend any of her precious time being angry at some teacher.

  Fortunately, Miss Shepherd was easy to get rid of. After the telephone call, Lauren threw up in the sink, rinsed her mouth, and slipped into a jacket even though perspiration was trickling down her spine. No, this day was definitely not going to stay as amazing as it had started.

  Taking unsteady steps, Lauren walked down the street. She had an idea of where she might find Mia. They both agreed on their favorite hiding place and loved the lake house more than anything. Sometimes, Lauren almost regretted moving into the new house, even if it was bigger and much more modern. But this tiny, charming cottage with its white exterior paneling still held a special place in her heart.

  Even now that she was drawing closer, a familiar sense of coziness and comfort came over her.

  As expected, the door was unlocked, and she entered. The air smelled a little stale, but the further she made her way inside, the more the lovely memories started rising before her eyes. This was where Mia had taken her first steps, spoken her first words, and proudly hung the first picture she had ever painted. This was where Tim and Lauren had spent their first night together and, much later, found each other again. These walls had kept them together and gave them the gift of a life shared.

  From the upper floor she could hear her firstborn’s quiet sobs.

  Without calling out, she followed her daughter’s voice. Under the big skylight, Mia was sitting in the early sun of the fall morning, on the bed that they never moved after they had left for the new house. She held her arms wrapped around her knees, rocking back and forth. The hardwood floors creaked beneath Lauren’s steps, and Mia looked up.

  She didn’t try to defend her behavior nor did she make excuses. She didn’t even make an effort to hide her grief behind her usual defiant attitude.

  ‘So what now?’ she asked simply. ‘Am I in trouble?’ Lauren sat down next to Mia on the mattress. She tilted her head back and looked up at the sky. It was a sunny fall day, but the clouds were drifting by so fast that the room was bathed in an alternating play of light and shadows.

  ‘It’s lovely out here,’ Lauren said instead of answering Mia’s question, and she took her hand. Her daughter’s fingers were cold, and she rubbed them warm between her palms.

  ‘Mom? Are you mad at me?’

  Lauren looked Mia straight in the eye but was unable to read her mind. Mia was at a difficult age and very good at hiding her feelings.

  ‘Did you skip school so that I would get mad?’ Lauren asked.

  Mia didn’t say a word. She shrugged her shoulders. ‘Dunno. I . . . maybe.’ She squirmed a little, but continued. ‘I’m pissed at you, Mom.’

  Lauren nodded.

  ‘Because I didn’t tell you the truth right away?’

  Mia shook her head. ‘No, not because of that – at least, not only because of that. I’m pissed because . . . you’re ill,’ she squeezed out, trying to avoid her mother’s surp
rised eyes.

  ‘You’re mad at me because I’m ill?’ Lauren repeated, certain that she must have misheard.

  ‘Yes. You can’t just get sick, Mom. And most of all, you can’t have cancer. Or die. That’s not right, because what’s going to become of us? Did you ever think about that?’

  Mia was sobbing again, and her nose was running, but she carelessly wiped her face with her sleeve.

  ‘I think about nothing else, Mia. And, Lord knows, I didn’t choose this. Do you think this is easy for me?’

  ‘Well, if it’s not easy, what is it then?’

  Lauren didn’t need to think about the answer.

  ‘It’s hard. It’s the hardest thing you can possibly imagine! I . . . I’m scared and I don’t know what to do. But I know that no matter what happens, you and Alyssa will never go without.’

  ‘Bullcrap! Nothing’s going to be the same when you die!’

  Lauren didn’t reply. She could hear the hope in Mia’s voice, her attempt to deny the inevitable as something that was possible at best.

  ‘Mia, I know how hard this is for you. For all of us! But this cancer is going to end my life well before any of us ever thought I would die. Still, we can’t just drop everything. You need to go to school, Dad needs to go to work – and I need to get used to the idea that none of the therapies they’re suggesting I take are going to save me. This is tough on all of us, but that’s exactly why we need to stick together. We need to help each another so that all of us are OK.’

  Mia said nothing for a while, and Lauren, too, abandoned herself to the descending silence. She watched the clouds floating past, glad she didn’t need to be out there but was instead inside with Mia. She knew there wouldn’t be many more opportunities for being so close to her daughter. Not for her.

  ‘Seriously, it would be so much easier if you guys just got a divorce,’ Mia stated matter-of-factly, rummaging for something in her backpack; a piece of chewing gum, probably. ‘So, why don’t you get divorced?’