by Emily Bold
‘She’s far too young for your special sense of humor!’ she scolded him. She earned a friendly slap that caught her off-guard, and she almost tumbled into his lap.
‘Oh, Lorelei, don’t be so uptight. Mia can handle it.’
‘Right, but now you’ve put ideas in her head and maybe she wants to find out what clever lines Seth might have tattooed on certain parts of his body!’ Tim interjected. He quickly tickled Alyssa under her arms so that she wouldn’t pay attention to their conversation. The little girl squealed and kicked her legs, until Mason took pity on her and saved her from her father’s merciless clutches.
‘Here, little princess, come into our blanket fort! Let us save you,’ he offered, raising the blanket between him and Rachel so that Alyssa could slip in.
‘I sure hope it says Don’t touch! on certain parts of Seth’s body,’ Lauren whispered so Mia couldn’t hear her from the kitchen. Chris, on the other hand, was a lot less discreet.
‘You’d better hope those certain parts of his body are big enough so that she can read the warning sign from very far away!’
Mia snorted disapprovingly from the kitchen and threw back her hair with one swift movement of the head.
‘Would you stop behaving like a bunch of idiots?’ she called out and jumped down from the barstool. ‘I can hear you, you know!’
Sulking, she went to hide out in her room, and Tim pulled Lauren off Chris’s lap with a wide grin.
‘You’re only making it worse!’ he grumbled, and kissed Lauren who more than willingly sank into him.
The radiation therapy was working well and, according to Professor Ahrens, the subsequent MRI looked very good. Which was why they had both decided against chemotherapy. And even though the fear of relapse was still hanging over them, the threat seemed so much more manageable now. None of the doctors had been prepared to give Lauren more time than the previously mentioned year and a half. Still, there was a glimmer of hope that maybe this no longer applied.
‘Want me to talk to her?’ Ben offered, rubbing the red stubble on his chin. ‘This whole business about the birds and the bees . . . I think I’ve got a good handle on it.’
‘Oh, no! Please don’t!’ Lauren warded him off and threw him warning glances. ‘I don’t think either one of you is the right person to talk to her. It’s better if I do it. Why don’t you worry about what you’re going to do next weekend. Tim and I want to go to the lake house. Want to join us?’
Ben nodded. ‘It’s been a while since I cast out!’ he explained, moving his arms as if casting a fishing line.
‘Are they biting this time of year?’ Rachel asked doubtfully, but Ben shrugged his shoulders. ‘Why shouldn’t they? We went ice fishing that one winter.’
‘Yes, but when you came back you had frozen toes and no fish,’ Lauren pointed out.
‘Sure, but it was fun, wasn’t it. Maybe we should ask Seth to come – you know, maybe grill him a little bit about his intentions . . .’
‘Dear lord, can’t you leave Mia and this poor guy alone for a minute? I’m sure he’s got enough on his plate, what with his voice changing and all.’
Lauren felt sorry for the two teenagers. First love was hard enough, even without a bunch of grown-ups trying to yank your chain. She was glad that, thanks to the radiation therapy, she was feeling better and was able to support Mia during this difficult phase. She tried not to think about Alyssa and when she would experience her first love: somewhere in the very distant future. No matter how healthy Lauren was feeling right now, living to see that day seemed impossible.
‘If we go to the lake house we can make pizza,’ Alyssa called from under her blanket fort and stuck out her mop of curls. ‘Mom, can we make pizza? Please?’
Lauren looked over to Rachel.
‘Sure,’ Rachel agreed without hesitation. ‘Pizza sounds great! But you have to help me make the dough. Agreed?’
Alyssa beamed from ear to ear and smacked her lips in happy anticipation.
‘Agreed! And I will chop the mushrooms!’
‘Well, I can’t say no if there’s pizza!’ Chris declared, brushing his long hair from his forehead. ‘With three such lovely cooks . . .’
Hours later, Lauren was loading glasses into the dishwasher, lost in thought. She went over the past evening in her mind, wondering how quickly they had all returned to normal life. Was this even normal? Or was everyone just pretending that things were great? Recalling their conversations, she tried to find anything disingenuous but couldn’t. Had her friends really enjoyed a lovely evening, or had they just pretended for her sake?
Tired, Lauren massaged her forehead and twisted her red curls into a long braid. Taking deep breaths, she leaned against the kitchen island, which felt as it always did. She looked around. A little blurry, perhaps, but basically it felt as it always did. What made her feel so calm, despite the terminal illness raging in her body? Was it her survival instinct? Or had they beaten back cancer far enough for her body to realize that she could now relax? She didn’t know, but whatever it was making her feel so calm and serene, she was grateful for it. She didn’t want to feel panic and fear all the way to the end. She wanted to be able to laugh, like today. Almost tenderly, she ran her finger over the scar on her scalp. She felt deep gratitude that the surgery and the radiation, too, had gone so smoothly and that she was feeling well today. She felt almost no pain anymore – something she was only slowly getting used to again. And even though deep in her heart she knew that the fight against a glioblastoma could never be fully won, she no longer felt this acute fear of death. She had survived these past few weeks, going through emotional hell and back, and for the first time in a long time she actually felt better.
Things were looking up, and she wanted to make the most of it.
After Tim had tucked Alyssa in and Mia had gone to bed as well, Lauren was sitting on the sofa and leafing through an old photo album.
‘I want us to go skiing,’ Lauren said, already looking forward to a cozy Christmas season in the deep snow. ‘Let’s do something extra special this winter.’ She pointed at a photo in the album, and Tim sat down next to her, his curiosity piqued.
‘What have you got there?’ he asked, bending over the image.
‘The winter before I got pregnant with Alyssa. We spent Christmas in the mountains that year. Do you remember?’
‘Sure. And you want to do it again?’ he asked, smiling at Lauren and Mia in the picture who, both bundled up in thick winter coats, were sitting on a sled and laughing into the camera. He had pulled them all the way up the steep slope that day. His hands had been shaking, which was why he had taken at least ten photos, but there was only one that didn’t look too blurred. Their cheeks were bright red from the cold, and their breath was painting fluffy white clouds before their lips. The picture had turned out really well and perfectly captured that moment of happiness.
‘Maybe over Christmas – but I’d like to spend Christmas Day with the whole family. Maybe we can invite Joey as well? And the rest of the gang? Do you think they would want to celebrate Christmas with us?’
‘Why don’t we ask them tomorrow? Besides, Joey’s been wanting to come and visit for a while. I see no reason why we shouldn’t all travel to the mountains together. Leave our everyday lives behind . . .’ Tim suggested. Lauren was glad that he was so easy to convince. It’d be great!
‘Do you feel up for it?’
He caressed her cheek, searching her eyes for an answer.
Lauren smiled.
‘If there’s enough room in the trunk for all the pills I need to take every day, then yes, I’m sure I can handle it! And I want to go, so much! You have no idea how much it would mean to me.’
‘Then let’s go for it, Lauren! I’m sure they would all love to come.’
‘We’ll ask them. Rachel is going to take time off with the baby anyway, and Mason usually closes his dental practice over Christmas. Ben is still benched because of that bar fight, and I kn
ow he’s bored, so I’m sure he’ll come, too.’ In her mind, Lauren had already started making a list of people who could make it. ‘And Mom and Dad, of course – if only for the kids. Hard to imagine Christmas without their grandchildren.’
Tim kissed the tip of her freckle-studded nose and reached for his laptop.
‘I’ll check if we can get a chalet on such short notice.’
* * *
‘That was the best Christmas we ever spent together,’ Chris remembered, and everyone nodded in agreement.
‘Yeah, that’s because you and Mia killed it at charades every single night,’ Tim laughed. Now even Mia was able to smile again.
Chris winked at her. ‘Mia and I make a great team! They got nothing on us when it comes to charades, do they, sweetie?’ Mia’s face lit up when she heard him use that term of endearment.
Maybe Seth shouldn’t be too sure of himself just yet, Lauren thought. Chris was still in the running when it came to Mia’s little heart.
She was glad that Mia and Chris got along so well. She knew he’d always be there for her daughter – no matter what happened.
Every Day a Gift
‘Faster!’
When Tim put his back into it even more, Lauren couldn’t help but chuckle at Mia’s encouraging shouts and Alyssa’s loud cheers. His boots made the snow whirl up and flurry into her face. Snowflakes tickled her all but frost-bitten cheeks, and she buried her nose deeper into her winter scarf. To keep the icy wind off Alyssa, Lauren pressed her tightly against her. Mia, in contrast, stirred on the sled behind them, spurring on their patient cart horse, Tim, by bombarding him with snowballs.
‘If you shoot him dead we’ll never get to the top of the hill!’ Lauren laughed, skillfully catching one of the snowballs in mid-flight.
‘Girls, this is the last round!’ Tim groaned and started to slow down again. ‘Seriously, I’m done!’
‘It’s getting late anyway. Grandma probably already called the mountain rescue service,’ Lauren joked, glancing up at the dusky sky.
The virgin white hills beyond the sledding slope gleamed in a pale-blue light. The sun had disappeared behind the hillside, and a hazy twilight engulfed the world around them. Slowly, the scent of the approaching night was rising, and they were the only ones left out there. It was their last downhill run for the day.
‘Here we are!’ Tim panted, as they reached the top of the hill. His face was as red as that of his girls, albeit from the strain rather than from the cold. His breath floated, steam-like, in the air, and he pressed his hands against his hips in exhaustion.
‘So, who goes where?’ he asked, untying the second sled.
‘I want to go with Mom,’ Mia declared, tapping her snow-encrusted gloves together.
‘Are you worried I’m going to push you into a snowbank, seeing as you’ve been throwing snowballs at me this entire time?’ Tim asked, grabbing a handful of snow to form an icy sphere. Mia raised her hands in defense, but grinned from ear to ear.
‘You are mean! Don’t you dare throw that!’ she shouted out, taking shelter behind Lauren. ‘I want to go with Mom, because . . .’ Her eyes got all serious and her laughter that had been ringing out all day, stopped. ‘. . . well, just because!’
Tim and Lauren looked at each other and didn’t know what to say. All of a sudden – after they had managed not to think about her illness all day – the sense of fear was back for both of them. And while they had acted the entire day as if it were one of many more to come, the truth of the matter was that they had taken this trip precisely because there weren’t many such opportunities left.
Lauren gave a barely noticeable nod and lifted Alyssa off her sled. The little girl sunk into the snow, almost up to her knees and, making her way to the other sled, stumbled into a heap of snow. Twice. Lauren felt that this wasn’t entirely unintentional, because Alyssa chortled with glee along the way and took the opportunity to make a snow angel.
It made Lauren happy to see Mia come to the realization that Alyssa was too young to know the truth. She knew they would have to explain it to her some day; but not today. Not for as long as she was doing OK. And so Mia kept her thoughts to herself, instead pressing her lips together and crossing her arms over her chest, as if shielding herself.
Lauren smiled a sad smile. She wished she could help Mia in some way. She tapped the seat in front of her on the sled, still warm from Alyssa sitting in it, and opened her arms wide.
‘Come on, then. Let’s go.’
Mia cozied her lanky frame up against her, and Lauren took deep breaths of her beloved daughter’s scent. She was glad that Mia was sitting in front and was unable to see the tears rolling down her cheeks, which almost turned to ice as the sled went downhill. She wrapped her arms around her child very tightly, trying to lock in this feeling forever. Rooting it to the depths of her soul so that she could draw on it during darker moments.
‘I love you, Mia, don’t ever forget that,’ she whispered quietly, and only the soft pressure with which Mia snuggled closer proved that her daughter had heard her.
Lauren had pins and needles in her feet from the cold when they returned to the chalet after spending the entire day outside. She was surprised they had lasted this long. Alyssa simply couldn’t get enough, and even Mia – who ordinarily was way too cool for family outings – had enjoyed herself. Which was all Lauren had ever wished for.
‘Wipe the snow off your boots before you come in!’ Celeste called and wiped her hands on a dishtowel. She was standing by the stove in their spacious mountain cottage, baking pies. To avoid them getting snow and slush on the floor, she now left her place in the kitchen and hurried to help.
‘Grandma, I hit Daddy with a snowball right on his nose!’ Alyssa called, pointing a finger at her own tiny nose that was running from the cold.
‘Goodness, honey, you need a tissue!’ Celeste noted, and took over caring for the little girl while Lauren helped Mia pat the snow off her coat.
‘It was wonderful!’ Lauren gushed and wiggled her toes to breathe life into them.
‘Yeah, but friggin’ freezing!’ Mia added. She glimpsed over in the direction of the kitchen. ‘I could do with a cup of tea.’
Celeste smiled.
‘The tea’s ready – I just hope it’s still hot. I expected you back a lot sooner.’
‘We wanted to make the most of every moment,’ Lauren explained and let out a good yawn. ‘And now we’re all bone-tired.’ She nudged Mia into the bedroom that she shared with her sister, so that she could change her clothes. They all had cold, wet feet and were in urgent need of nice warm pairs of sweatpants.
‘And you look it. Where did you leave Tim?’ Celeste asked, and wiped the melting snow from the hardwood floors with a rag.
‘He’s helping Dad and Ben get wood. Chopping logs does not seem to be Ben’s strong point. Dad yanked the ax from him just as we were getting back. He’s worried Ben might accidentally amputate a limb rather than splitting a log.’
‘Your father has no confidence in your brother whatsoever! How does he imagine Ben ever made it into the professional baseball league?!’ Celeste grumbled and peered out the window.
To everyone’s surprise, no limbs were amputated during the entire week. Mason, especially, was extremely happy about this, because he – as the only doctor in the house – would have had to treat any injuries.
On their last evening, they all sat together and enjoyed the deep connection they each felt for one another. Lauren’s dad seemed relaxed when he put an arm around Lauren and pressed a kiss against her temple. Clearing his throat, he raised his cup of mulled wine.
‘Friends, let’s toast these last few days. Days we all needed and that we’ll hopefully cherish for a very long time. I drink to Lauren, my beloved daughter. I have the greatest respect for her strength, and I would do anything for her.’ He swallowed hard. ‘If only I could, honey, I would do anything to . . .’
Lauren shook her head and embraced him.<
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‘You’re doing enough, Dad. Don’t worry. I’m fine. This was a wonderful week, and I hope we can do it again sometime soon.’
Her voice became shaky as she said this, but she saw only smiling faces around her.
‘To us!’ Lauren called, putting her cup to her lips. The hot, fruit-infused drink was delicious, and she smiled at Alyssa who was downing her kid’s version of mulled wine all in one go.
As Lauren looked around her circle of friends and family, she felt safe and ready to take on anything that might come at her. She was happy and grateful for every single day she was allowed to spend with these wonderful people – and for every single day that would hopefully follow.
* * *
‘It was such an intense time. We went out and did things all the time and experienced so many unforgettable moments,’ Lauren recalled, happily. That week spent in the mountains seemed like an eternity ago, and yet only a few months had passed.
They all nodded in agreement. Each of them knew how precious those past months had been. They would need to draw strength from them for a long time to come.
Casually, Ben tossed a few more logs into the dying fire, and nobody objected. The night was still young.
‘In fact, back then I felt so good that we threw one of our basic principles overboard – and actually made plans. But we should have known . . .’ Lauren mused gloomily.
Italy
The entire living room table was buried in travel brochures. Bella Italia, it said on the high-gloss prospectus of one of the better-known tour operators, and the pictures in it were as beautiful as the title promised. Rome, the Sistine Chapel, Michelangelo’s sculptures and paintings and the Roman Empire’s architecture: Lauren felt inspired by it all. She had already started making a list of everything she wanted to see in Europe. She was so looking forward to authentic Italian cuisine, eternal sunshine and the Dolce Vita lifestyle, that she’d been running around wearing a giant straw hat she had bought in anticipation of their big trip. Grabbing life with both hands was an intoxicating feeling.