by Emily Bold
He was about to reach for his cell phone, but Lauren touched his arm. ‘No, no need. I want to know that I can count on you – even if and when I choose when enough is enough.’
Tim swallowed. Touching her chin, he tenderly ran his finger over her lower lip. He didn’t want to let her go. But he understood. The pain had become barely manageable; as had her seizures. During those last two days he could feel her slipping through his fingers. He knew she didn’t have much time left – no matter what choice she made.
He kissed her and searched her eyes. She was scared, just like him.
‘Of course, Lauren. I’m here for you, whatever you decide. I love you! And if loving you means taking away the fear and making it possible for you to die in a way that doesn’t scare you, then that’s what I’m going to do, my love. Because you mean everything to me.’
They held each other, and it didn’t matter that the sauce burned and the rice went lumpy. It didn’t matter that Mia came down the stairs and snorted unhappily because the table wasn’t even set yet. And it didn’t matter that the food was way too salty again. Even Mia bit her tongue.
Lauren felt she should be happy about this. Tim was being supportive. He had her back, and he supported her need to die with dignity. She didn’t need to be afraid of losing control anymore.
But the furtive grimaces across the dinner table were proof of something she was unable to see herself: That the food was barely edible. The fact that her loved ones kept eating without so much as a word of criticism touched her – and scared her at the same time. They were only being considerate because she’d been having such a bad couple of days.
The sand in her hourglass of life kept relentlessly trickling away, and they knew it. And Lauren knew it, too. She was worried about passing the point when she was still able to make her own choices. How many more seizures would she go through while still being lucid as she came out of them? How many more times would she black out and actually wake up at the end of it?
She put down her fork and folded her hands in her lap. ‘Stop eating,’ she said gloomily. ‘I can see that there’s something wrong with it.’
She looked into the face of her youngest, knowing Alyssa couldn’t lie. ‘How is your rice, honey? Does it taste weird?’
Alyssa looked, with her eyes wide, first at Tim and then at the plate in front of her.
‘It’s sour,’ she whispered.
‘It’s not sour, dummy, it’s salty! Salty! Can’t you tell the difference? You know, Mom tried really hard cooking us a nice dinner, and it’s not right to whine about it!’ Mia hissed, throwing angry glances at her sister.
‘Hey, stop it, you two, all right?’ Tim intervened and put down his knife and fork. Sheepishly, he looked Lauren in the eye. ‘I’m sorry, honey. We didn’t mean to worry you.’
He motioned toward the still steaming rice and shrugged his shoulders. ‘Happens to the best of us.’
After the salad had been repurposed into the main dish along with a few slices of bread, and a handful of cookies for dessert had saved the epic dinner fail, Lauren took Alyssa into her lap. Mia was again typing away on her cell phone, and Tim seemed wrapped up in thought. After she had pressed a kiss against the back of Alyssa’s neck and shot a desperate glance in Tim’s direction, Lauren worked up her courage.
‘Mia, sweetie, we recently talked about how my illness is going to progress.’
‘Oh, poor Mommy!’ Alyssa interjected, sweet and loving as always. ‘I can kiss it better if you like,’ she offered and turned around to press tiny, wet baby kisses against Lauren’s forehead.
‘Thank you, honey, I feel so much better now.’
Mia rolled her eyes at such an obvious lie, but Tim reached for her hand, trying to convince her not to make it any harder on her younger sister.
Once Lauren had wrestled down her baby girl and rewarded her for the therapeutic kisses, Mia asked impatiently: ‘So? What about it? How is your illness going to play out? Any new therapies?’
It almost broke Lauren’s heart, because beneath Mia’s usual wall of defiance and standoffishness she could detect the hope behind her griping. A child’s hope for a happy ending.
‘No, Mia. There aren’t any.’ Lauren took a deep breath. Her pulse was racing. What was there to say? ‘But did you know that some states have passed laws on dying with dignity? A law that’s going to help me avoid turning into a zombie.’ Lauren jokingly tried to pick up where they had left off the other day.
‘What?’
‘Your mom would like to choose when and how she goes,’ Tim took over the delicate topic. ‘Meaning that we’re not going to allow cancer to destroy her. When the pain becomes unbearable, there’s a medication she can take . . .’ A heavy silence finished the sentence, and Mia understood. Alyssa didn’t – which was what Tim had intended.
‘I could fall asleep peacefully, Mia,’ Lauren added when she noticed her daughter staring at them in disbelief.
‘You’re insane!’ Mia called out, nervously brushing a few strands of black hair from her face.
‘When you fall asleep peacefully, you get a good night’s sleep and always wake up in a good mood!’ Alyssa declared. Mia made the crazy sign with her index finger.
‘So when Mom takes this medication she’s not going to wake up again, is she?’
She pushed back her chair and jumped to her feet, glancing from Tim to Lauren. ‘Then you’ll be gone – forever!’ She took three steps back. ‘You’re such a coward, Mom! Such a coward – and what a rotten thing to do! What about us?’
With that, she spun around and stormed out of the house.
* * *
Mia looked over as if asking for forgiveness, but Lauren smiled. Mia didn’t need to apologize for her feelings or for being scared. After all, she was still a child, and Lauren didn’t find it hard to imagine what all this must be doing to her eldest daughter.
Lauren’s eyes wandered out over the lake. It was changing color. Barely noticeable, like the night sky. The darkest hours of the night had passed – and Lauren hoped that the darkest hours in her friends’ lives had passed, too.
‘We struggled with making that decision,’ she explained thoughtfully. ‘And yet it’s the easiest decision to make. It’s only one of several possible paths – I don’t need to take it if I start having doubts. And there’ll always be doubts, because I love life so much. Every single day of it.’ She looked over to Rachel who was just lifting her newborn baby from the stroller to feed him. It would be a while before he would sleep through the night. Lauren smiled. ‘Like the day that I held young Eric in my arms for the first time.’
New Beginnings
Lauren was sitting in the driver seat of a rusty old pickup, her legs dangling out the open door. Her foot was bopping up and down with the music, which was echoing far too loudly through the auto repair shop. It was so hot that the perspiration accumulated between her breasts, even though all she was wearing was a tank top over an ankle-length skirt. It reeked of oil and exhaust fumes in there, and her hands felt dirty just by looking at the greasy mess.
‘How much longer do you need?’ she asked Chris who, stretched out on a creeper, had half-disappeared underneath the truck.
She could hear him cussing and tinkering away at something. The crunch of metal, then his face reappeared. Dark grease – or was it motor oil? – covered his forehead and his hands. He sat up and reached for an equally filthy rag to wipe his fingers.
‘Almost done. I just need to tighten one more screw, and we’re good to go.’
He walked to the back of the repair shop where a bunch of tools were laid out on top of a steel roller cabinet. His jeans were low on his hips, and there was a big tear in the knee. All of which fit the blaring rock music he was listening to. The back of his T-shirt was drenched in sweat. Lauren fanned herself. The temperatures had climbed to unexpected highs this early summer season, and underneath the auto shop’s tin roof the heat was piling up. But it was a lot more pleasant in he
re compared to the dusty courtyard outside which offered no shade whatsoever.
Once Chris found what he was looking for, he returned and rolled back under the truck.
‘I still can’t believe I have a little nephew now,’ he boomed, groaning with effort.
‘Me neither. A baby boy just doesn’t go with Rachel’s lifestyle if you ask me.’
Chris pushed himself out from beneath the truck, and grinned.
‘You’re right. She’s so fussy that I can’t imagine what she’ll do when he’s older and coming home covered from head to toe in filth.’ He got up. With one swift kick he sent the creeper into a corner, then he held out his hand to her.
‘Oh, like you, you mean?’ she asked, laughing, pointing at his dirty and oil-smeared face. ‘Seriously, sometimes I find it very hard to believe that you two are brother and sister. You’re so different!’
Lauren struggled to stay on her feet. For several days now she’d been having trouble keeping her balance. And to top it off, the heat had made her legs swell up as well. Her physician had confirmed that her body was retaining water. Surely Chris had noticed her physical changes but had decided not to comment. Maybe to be considerate, or maybe because the way she looked wasn’t important to him.
Her balance issues were the reason she needed him to take her to Rachel’s today. She had stopped driving a good while ago – too dangerous – and right now she even found it hard to walk without assistance.
‘I hope he takes after me and keeps her on her toes!’ Chris mused, carefully placing an arm around Lauren’s waist.
‘Can you manage, Lorelei?’ For a second she noticed the hesitation in his eyes, but then his usual mischievous grin took over. ‘Or do you need me to carry you?’
‘No, thank you, Chris! You’re covered in motor oil – I think I can walk.’
‘Pity . . .’
‘Hey, I thought there was nothing sexual between us,’ Lauren joked and allowed him to guide her toward the convertible coupe.
‘Oh, Lorelei . . . you know how quickly I always change my mind!’ He pressed a wet kiss against her cheek and opened the passenger door for her. Then he pulled his dirty T-shirt over his head and demonstratively flexed his chest muscles.
‘Yeah, I do know – I’m going to sit right here and wait for that spell to pass. Sound good? My spells usually last a day or so,’ she jested. By now, she was finding it easier to accept her illness, sometimes even cracking jokes about it.
Chris laughed and walked over to the outside sink, turning on the faucet and thoroughly washing his face, hands and upper body before slipping on a clean shirt. He tied his long hair into a ponytail and gave his pants a critical once-over. The pants, apparently, passed inspection, because he came back toward the car, not even bothering to use the driver’s door to get in. He simply vaulted over the convertible’s closed door and smoothly slid into the caramel-colored leather seat.
‘Speaking of spells,’ he said. ‘How did your assessment go?’
The assessment. Lauren massaged her temples. Even though Tim had reassured her that he’d be by her side every step of the way, he still found it hard to set everything in motion that would help her choose when and how to go. Lauren needed to fill out all kinds of forms and endure all kinds of physical and psychological exams. Tim had her back, sure, but she could still feel he was against her decision.
‘It went well. I check all the boxes.’ Lauren grimaced, because checking all the boxes meant she was so ill that at least two different doctors certified, independently of one another, that she was terminal – and that she would very probably die within the next six months. ‘And I had to affirm and reaffirm my wish in writing and in front of witnesses – with enough time in-between in case I had a change of heart.’
Chris started the engine, and the car roared off across the dusty courtyard.
‘And you’re still sure?’ he asked, without letting his doubts – if he even had any – spill out.
‘Yes. But the doctors did give me pause when they asked me to discuss the topic openly with my family.’ Lauren looked out the passenger window. They drove up the coastal road, and Lake Champlain appeared before them, gleaming in the midday sun. ‘That was hard.’
Chris nodded.
‘I can only imagine. How did they react?’
‘Dad understands where I’m coming from. He also told Mom that it wouldn’t be up to her to choose on my behalf. They fully support me, even if it is with a heavy heart.’ Lauren hesitated, and her eye was caught by the silvery shimmering sail of a yacht gliding across the lake. ‘The kids are having a harder time understanding. Alyssa doesn’t know what my choice even means, and Mia hates me, I think, for even considering it as an option.’
Chris looked at her. Then he steered the car toward the side of the road, and stopped. He turned to her and took her hand.
‘You have every right to be prepared, Lorelei. And just because you’re considering your options doesn’t mean you’re ever going to go through with it.’ The gentle squeeze of his hand was comforting, and Lauren was glad, like so many times before, to have Chris as a friend.
‘I know. I just want to have an escape route . . . in case there’s no other way. I don’t want to let anybody down. Least of all my kids, but I will spare them and me a lot of suffering if I can go the way I want to. I’m going to get a prescription for that drug, Chris! And then I’m going to go to the pharmacy to pick it up, and figure it out from there. Nobody can force me to take it if I change my mind. And nobody can stop me from taking it if the pain gets too much to bear.’
‘It’s your life, Lorelei. Your life. I wish you knew how much I respect your courage and your strength. If I can help in any way, you just . . .’
‘I know. But I’ll be all right. And the kids are going to understand when the time comes.’
Chris nodded in silence and veered the car back onto the road.
Rachel and Mason had been living together for a while in the generous condo above Mason’s dental practice. Today, there was a ‘Sorry, we’re closed’ sign up at the practice’s entrance door, and Lauren followed Chris over the paved sidewalk to the back of the building. Rachel and Mason had laid out the backyard according to the principles of feng shui, and Rachel was acting out her fanatic organic-greens-only phase in a greenhouse that considerably disrupted their efforts in Asian design philosophy.
‘Do you remember that weird lady who marched in here with her pendulum?’ Lauren giggled, as she remembered the feng shui consultant brimming with excessive spirituality, who had swindled Rachel out of a small fortune for redesigning her garden.
‘Yeah, she had a few buttons missing all right,’ Chris retorted, and winked. ‘I should know – I slept with her.’ He laughed at Lauren’s shocked face.
‘And you still didn’t gain any spiritual insights?’ Lauren mocked him, before climbing the two steps up to the back door with his help.
‘I’ve a key,’ Chris explained quickly so Lauren wouldn’t ring the bell.
Out of consideration for the newborn baby, they tiptoed up the stairs and knocked only very softly before entering.
Mason and Rachel were sitting in their living room, blissfully marveling at their sleeping son in his crib.
‘Come on in,’ Rachel said and waved them over. She beamed when Lauren embraced her.
‘I am so happy for you,’ Lauren whispered, barely holding back, and remembered her first, difficult time with Baby Mia. Tim and she had been so young then, and maybe not even ready for that kind of responsibility. Still, today she was grateful for having become a mother at such a young age. It had allowed her to witness her baby growing into a feisty little rebel. She didn’t envy Rachel the sleepless nights that lay ahead, but she firmly believed that this couple, who had to wait so long for their tiny miracle, would take it in their stride.
After Mason had recounted little Eric’s birth in all its gory detail and Chris had turned pale, the baby boy finally woke up.
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br /> Full of pride, Mason lifted his son from the crib. It was a strange picture: such a tall man carrying a child on his arm so very gently. Carefully, as if he were afraid to accidentally drop the baby, Mason circled the coffee table and handed Lauren the warm bundle in its pale blue blanket.
‘Oh my God, Rachel, he’s cute enough to eat!’ she gushed, gingerly touching his tiny fingers. Soft, dark fluff peeped out from under his small knitted cap.
Lauren wiped a tear from her cheek before kissing little Eric’s forehead.
She’d been feeling worse and worse these past few weeks and was eternally grateful to live to see this moment. Secretly she had worried that she would die before Rachel had her baby and was all the more thankful for this gift of time. Chris inched closer to her and smiled as if he could read her deepest, most intimate thoughts. Affectionately, he squeezed her knee and relieved her of his nephew.
‘Hey, big guy!’ he whispered, lifting little Eric up against his shoulder. ‘When you’re not busy guzzling down milk or making stinkies in your diapers, I could do with a good strong guy like you in my auto repair shop. What do you say?’
* * *
As if the baby boy realized that Chris was talking about him, he raised his little voice in protest just as soon as he finished his bottle.
‘He can’t seem to get enough!’ Rachel explained with the unmistakable pride of a mother. ‘He is definitely taking after his uncle,’ she teased Chris, and smiled.
Happy about her close-knit extended family, Lauren strolled down to the beach with a big grin on her face. The sky was changing. The dark black gave way to a magical blue, the stars started fading, and with unspeakable anxiety Lauren looked up at the celestial bodies. Would she ever see them again?
‘I never hated you, Mom,’ Mia suddenly whispered behind her. Lauren turned around. She hadn’t heard her daughter approach.
‘I just didn’t like the choice you made, because I love you so much! I don’t want you to die!’ Mia’s voice was shaky, and she wrapped her skinny arms around herself as if that were the only support to hold onto.