by Emily Bold
Lauren smiled a sympathetic smile.
‘You had an interesting way of showing it, honey.’
So Much Trouble
Lauren was furious. Her head was throbbing, and none of the drugs she’d been taking since that morning were working. She massaged her temples as discreetly as possible, angrily glaring at Mia who was sitting on the chair next to her.
Lauren and Tim had been summoned to Mia’s school. And now they were sitting in the principal’s office and had to listen to this! Mia was lucky to be sitting still, the epitome of misery, with her head hung low, because one word from her would have been the straw that broke the camel’s back.
‘I need you to understand that we take such things very seriously around here. This is no place for alcohol and cigarettes, just as much as this is no place for drugs and guns.’
Even though Lauren knew Tim to be an extremely skilled negotiator in the courtroom, now that his daughter was on the stand (so to speak) he did nothing but nod judiciously and cooperate fully.
‘Of course, Miss Hudson. We see it in exactly the same way. Please rest assured that we’re going to talk this incident through with Mia as soon as we get home,’ he said. ‘And this is never going to happen again,’ he added, turning to Mia, with determination in his voice.
‘Glad to hear it. I’m going to let you off with a warning this time, but next time there will be serious consequences.’
‘Of course. We understand completely, and we are very grateful that you’re able to turn a blind eye this time.’
The silence in the car on their way home was deafening – the silence before the storm. Mia was chewing on her dark-blue painted fingernails sulkily and now and again glanced out the window. Lauren’s thoughts were all over the place. She knew exactly why Mia was acting out like this. It wasn’t just puberty that made her daughter reach for the cigarettes. Lauren was sure that it was a cry for help, too, because Mia was finding it hard to cope with the situation at home. Which was why it was tough to find an appropriate punishment for her behavior. However, they could not simply let her get away with it. Mia needed to understand that she was heading down the wrong path.
As soon as Tim had steered the car into the driveway, Mia yanked open her door.
‘Don’t be in such a rush!’ Tim said in a stern voice. ‘If you think you can go and hide out in your room and forget about this whole thing, then you are mistaken!’ He hurried on after his daughter, while Lauren was trying to get her balance. She could only follow them slowly. She didn’t miss out on their fight, though, as Mia was screaming so loudly that even the neighbors could hear every word.
‘What I do is none of your business!’ she exclaimed, stomping her foot. Hurling her school backpack onto the lowest step of the staircase, she straightened herself up and threw challenging looks in her mom’s direction as soon as Lauren closed the front door behind her.
‘But it is very much our business, young lady! Are you kidding?’
‘I don’t care what you think! Because you don’t care what I think, either!’
‘Oh no, you’re not going to turn this around on us. When did we ever not care about what you want?’
‘All. The. Time. Sure, you’re the grown-ups! You get to decide everything! What I eat, what I wear, everything!’
‘Mia, we will never not care what you think,’ Lauren intervened in as calm a voice as she could. ‘But you’re still a child, and you’re not yet able to make informed decisions about lots of things. Which is why you’re going to do what we tell you to do! And without exception!’
‘You are never going to touch cigarettes ever again,’ Tim said firmly. ‘And if I ever see you touch so much as a drop of alcohol, I’m going to personally lock you up in your room until your twenty-first birthday!’
‘You can’t do that!’ Mia objected and crossed her arms over her chest.
‘Watch me! You’re also grounded until further notice,’ Tim concluded.
‘But I wanted to go to Seth’s place with Kim this evening!’ Mia called out, now actually worried for the first time.
‘To Seth’s?’ Lauren asked in surprise. This was the first time she had heard this plan mentioned.
‘Seth is having a party – and I really need to be there!’
Lauren almost regretted asking when she noticed that Tim was seeing red at the reference to Seth’s name.
‘You are not going to this guy’s party!’ he barked.
‘But if I don’t go, nobody will ever invite me ever again!’
‘You are staying home this evening. We’ll talk again in the morning.’
Lauren tried to defuse the situation in a calm voice.
‘You can’t tell me what to do!’ Mia snapped, screaming now. ‘Because you’re the one who’s leaving me! You don’t give a shit that I don’t agree with you killing yourself. Neither of you give a shit!’ she wailed angrily. The silence that followed was interrupted only by Mia’s sobs.
Tim seemed torn between grabbing and shaking his daughter with anger, and his need to comfort her like a baby. Lauren trembled from pain. But this time the pain wasn’t physical, and yet it knocked the wind right out of her.
‘I am not killing myself,’ she whispered so quietly that she wasn’t sure she had actually said it out loud. ‘I am dying with dignity. There is a huge difference!’
Lauren, too, now let her anger run free. Just because she was sick she didn’t need to keep her cool and walk on eggshells through her own life. She’d had enough of it.
‘You would euthanize any animal if it were injured or terminally ill!’ she called. ‘You would spare any pet, any dog the suffering, but when it comes to me – yeah, with me it’s different! After all, I am your mother. I have to grin and bear it. Isn’t that what you mean?’
Exhausted, she slumped down by the bottom of the stairs next to Mia’s backpack and buried her face in her hands. ‘Mia, you have to believe me,’ she whispered. ‘I would give anything to bear this thing, for your and Alyssa’s sake. I would give anything to have a future with you guys, all of us together, and have a happy ending. You’re not the only one who’s scared to death around here, you know.’
She looked up. Mia came closer, one step at a time. Finally, Lauren made room on the stairs, and Mia sat down next to her with her tail between her legs. ‘If I could be so lucky as to say goodbye to you peacefully, without a sudden seizure taking me; if I could tell you and Alyssa right at the end how much I love you; and if I could, after one last kiss from you, slip away peacefully and without pain – Mia, that would be a good enough ending for me!’
* * *
The mood at the beach had changed. They could all feel the night fading and the morning approaching. The fire had all but died down, and there were no logs left to rekindle it. The cold crept into their clothes and would hopefully soften at least some of the inevitable grief.
Lauren, who was sitting in Tim’s lap, grimaced with pain. Her face was pale and, in spite of the cold, beads of perspiration had formed on her upper lip. Even so, she attempted a smile.
‘It felt like a great weight was lifted off my shoulders when I held the drug in my hands for the first time.’ She searched her friends’ faces for understanding before she continued. ‘It’s hard to describe why, because I want to live, with every fiber of my being. But now I have a way out. I took my dignity back. I have the possibility of an ending that doesn’t scare me as much.’
Memories
‘If you need anything, Lauren – or have any questions . . .’ Doctor Eckhard looked her straight in the eye. As always, his confident manner made Lauren feel grounded and safe, and the corners of her mouth curled up in a grateful smile. ‘My door’s always open. Or you can call me anytime.’
He wrote his signature on the piece of paper in front of him, and pushed it over to her across the table.
There it was. The prescription for a drug that wouldn’t make her better – but would help her slip away peacefully. It was stra
nge how important such a small signature on such an ordinary prescription pad could be. And how gravely important it would become if she actually took the prescription to her pharmacy . . .
When Lauren reached for the slip of paper, Eckhard took her hand.
‘Goodbye, Lauren. Don’t make any rash decisions. Just listen to your heart, and when the time comes you will do the right thing.’
Lauren felt a familiar lump in her throat. She was barely able to swallow, and she could feel the tears welling up behind her eyelids again.
‘Thank you, doctor. For this . . .’ She folded the prescription in half and, fingers trembling, put it into her purse. ‘. . . And for everything. You’ve done so much for me, and I will always remember. Thank you.’
Quickly she pushed back her chair and got up before she could start crying.
Eckhard, too, rose from behind his desk, and they stood, facing one another, in silence. There was nothing left to say. No ‘Until next week,’ no ‘See you soon,’ because they both knew that this would be Lauren’s last visit to his office.
With one final nod that included all the unsaid words between them, Lauren turned around and walked away. She could feel her doctor’s eyes following her until she turned the corner and left the clinic. Was he standing by the window, watching her as she crossed the street? Was he wondering how determined she really was to end her own life in the most independent way possible? Lauren felt almost tempted to turn around and look up at his window on the second floor, to check, but in the end it wasn’t important.
Eckhard had been with her every step of the way for as long as any doctor could, and he had reached the limits of his responsibility when he signed the prescription. Which was all he was able to do. The rest was now up to her. She was in control.
When Tim saw her crossing the parking lot, he got out of the car and walked toward her. He lifted her up in his arms and spun around with her in a circle.
‘I hope you know what you’re doing, Lauren,’ he muttered against her hair and pressed her against him so tightly that she giggled and gasped for air.
‘Well, right now I’m not doing anything!’ she panted and kissed him. ‘Except inviting you for an ice cream sundae. It’s such a beautiful day!’
Tim knew that she’d had a splitting headache since that morning, and he admired her for still wanting to make the most of this day. She was stronger than he could ever be.
‘Let’s pick up the kids from your parents’ and drive to the diner,’ he suggested, smiling mysteriously. ‘The girls and I have a surprise for you.’
‘Oh, really?’ Lauren raised two questioning eyebrows, but Tim would say no more.
‘Yes, really,’ he promised, and lovingly kissed her cheek.
When Lauren walked the graveled path down to her parents’ house a short while later, she noticed the weeds growing everywhere alongside the flowerbeds. The dead Marguerite daisies had not been pinched off, and a planter with potted herbs had toppled over.
‘What’s going on?’ Lauren mumbled, keeping an eye out for further signs of neglect, but before she could make sense of it all she spotted Celeste, who came running toward her, giggling and chasing Alyssa across the lawn.
‘Hi, Mom!’ the little girl called out, clicking her tongue. She was jumping up and down like a horse, and smacked herself on the backside as if egging herself on.
‘What are you doing?’ Lauren asked, aimed more at her mom than at her little pony.
‘I’m a horse, and Grandma wants to catch me and put me back in the stable!’ Alyssa announced, circling Celeste, hopping and whinnying. ‘But I’m a wild horse, and she can’t catch me!’
Celeste let out an exhausted breath and walked toward Lauren.
‘She’s right, you know. I can’t catch her. She hops like a circus flea, and my old bones can’t take the excitement anymore.’
‘What happened to the flowerbeds?’ Lauren asked, motioning to a thistle which, with its silvery green leaves, was one of the prettier wild flowers taking over the normally spotless yard.
Celeste only glanced at the plants, and shrugged her shoulders.
‘Oh, well.’ She turned to keep an eye on her granddaughter, but stayed where she was next to Lauren. ‘It doesn’t matter anymore. I always thought that if only I kept things neat and tidy in my life, I’d be able to control everything. You know?’ She smiled a weary smile. ‘And yet, when we found out about your cancer, we were both completely blindsided. Your father and I – we always like to keep everything nice and in order, but we suddenly found ourselves completely helpless. If I so much as think about the time I wasted tending to those flowerbeds instead of spending time with you, I . . .’ Celeste shook her head. ‘ . . . Well, it made me realize how stupid I’ve been.’
‘Mom, it was always important to me – and to Ben, too, I’m sure – that you and Dad were exactly the way you were. It helped us turn into responsible adults.’
A look of surprise appeared on Celeste’s delicate features. ‘Really? And I always thought you took me for an obsessive-compulsive Uber-Mom,’ she giggled.
Lauren burst out laughing.
‘I did, too, but in retrospect I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Mom, you’re wonderful – and please be the same kind of role model for my kids that you always were for me.’
‘Does this mean I need to take care of the weeds now?’
Lauren bent down to the herb bush and set it up straight.
‘No, it just means you should stop blaming yourself for mistakes that don’t even exist.’
Alyssa came galloping around the corner, beaming from ear to ear with a digital camera dangling from her neck. Tim and Mia were coming up the path leading up from the deck, and they too held cameras in their hands.
‘What’s all this?’ Lauren asked. ‘Have you spotted a rock star in the area? Or Brad Pitt, maybe? Oh, that I live to see this!’ she called out in mock excitement.
‘You’re the rock star,’ Tim declared and snapped a picture of Lauren standing next to her mom. ‘This afternoon is a photo session. Everybody gets to take pictures of you the way they love to see you most.’
Lauren flinched. They were trying to make memories. Memories for a time that came after she was no longer around. It felt weird. Not wrong, exactly, but unreal in a way. Feeling a little self-conscious, she nevertheless attempted a smile. Maybe it was important to the kids – in which case she didn’t want to spoil their afternoon.
‘Fine, but if I had known I would have had my hair and nails done,’ she joked, blowing kisses in the direction of Alyssa’s camera lens.
‘You look great, Mom,’ Mia said, and coolly pressed her shutter button to snag a quick photo.
‘I thought we were going for ice cream?’ Lauren asked, hoping to avoid the flashing paparazzi cameras, if only for a short while.
‘We will! And after that, we’re going down to the beach. We’ll have a pizza delivered to the lake house, and you and me will spend the night drinking red wine with your parents. A proper family day out. What do you say, everybody?’ Tim seemed pleased with his plan, and even the kids looked happy.
‘Didn’t you have a date with Seth today?’ Lauren asked, surprised at how readily Mia was participating in the family fun.
‘Not today. I need to think on it for a while . . .’ Mia admitted, sounding dejected.
‘Did you fall out with him?’
Lauren put an arm around Mia’s shoulders.
‘No – not exactly. But maybe everything is moving a little too fast. It was a bit of a shock when the principal called me into her office. I didn’t enjoy that at all.’
Lauren knew that Mia didn’t like hugs as they were uncool, but she pulled her daughter closer anyway.
‘I am proud of you. You’re a smart girl, Mia. I’ve always known that.’
‘Smile!’ Tim released the shutter. After a long day in which they had taken and admired thousands of photos, this picture of Mia and Lauren turned o
ut to be the prettiest one.
* * *
‘You can never have too many pictures,’ Chris agreed and pulled out his camera. ‘Could you all move a bit closer together?’ he asked, arranging everyone in a group around Lauren.
Tim held Lauren tightly wrapped in his arms.
‘How are you holding up?’ he breathed into her ear, because he could feel her energy dwindling.
She straightened her back and nodded.
‘I’m OK. Holding up. I’m just so tired.’
She laughed when she saw Chris adjusting the self-timer and then rushing back to the group in a frenzy for fear of not making it into the picture.
The bright flash blinded Lauren briefly, and she cringed with the pain. Then she took a deep breath and got up. She walked over to her parents and kissed them each on the cheek.
‘I’m keeping this drug as if it were my most prized possession. It’s good to know that it’s there. But it’s almost as if life these last few days has been trying to prove how precious it really is. I’ve been feeling surprisingly well, and I am so grateful that we got to spend each minute of our remaining time together. Until . . .’
She glanced over to Mia. Her daughter remembered. And she was scared.
Dark Clouds
‘Dad!’ Mia screamed, and the panic in her voice was unmistakable. ‘Dad! Come quick!’
She was squatting on the floor next to her mom who lay motionless, and she didn’t know what to do. She yanked a bath towel from the towel rack, rolled it up, and gently wedged it under her mom’s head.
‘Mom!’ she called, desperately hoping for a reaction. ‘Mom, please! Wake up!’ With her fingers trembling, she tried to feel Lauren’s pulse, but she wasn’t sure if what she felt was an actual vital sign or just the echo of her own shivers.
‘What happened?’ Tim asked before he even reached the bathroom door.
‘Mom had one of her fits,’ she explained and shuffled aside as her dad entered the room. ‘I don’t know how long she’s been lying here. I wanted to go to the toilet.’