by Emily Bold
‘It’s all right. I . . . Let’s get her to her bed.’
‘But, Dad! Shouldn’t we call an ambulance?’
Tim hesitated. The floor tiles beneath his bare feet were cold, and each beat of his heart seemed to pump up their chill further into his bloodstream. He was shaking, just like his daughter, and found it hard to think straight. He looked into Mia’s eyes and noticed the tears gleaming in them.
With determination, he lifted Lauren up from the floor.
‘No. We’ll manage,’ he said and carried her into the bedroom. Gently, he laid her down on the bed and loosened her clothes enough that she could breathe easily.
Then he covered her with a thin blanket.
‘What’s wrong with Mommy?’ Alyssa asked from the door, her toy elephant under her arm and her thumb in her mouth.
‘We didn’t mean to wake you, sweetie. Mommy isn’t feeling well. Don’t you want to lie down on the sofa for a little while?’ Tim tried to persuade his youngest.
‘No. I can lie down with Mommy,’ Alyssa reflected and crawled up onto Tim’s side of the bed. She kissed her mom’s pale cheek and snuggled up to her.
Tim was about to object, when Mia climbed into the bed next to her sister and wrapped her arms around Alyssa and Lauren. It could have been such a nice picture of his three favorite girls, if only Lauren were smiling. Calmly, Tim slipped off his shoes and followed his daughters. They were still lying together, keeping each other warm, when Lauren opened her eyes an hour later.
In an instant, Tim was wide awake and gently brushing the hair from her face.
‘How are you doing?’ he asked, worried.
‘I . . .’ Lauren was finding it hard to enunciate the words. She grabbed her throat as if the problem was coming from there – which they both knew it wasn’t. Another speech malfunction. ‘ . . . I’m tired,’ she managed through the pain and closed her eyes again.
Tim stayed by her side for a long time, thinking. Alyssa eventually left to go play, while Mia tried to make herself useful and cut up some fruit to make a fresh fruit salad.
The next time Lauren woke up she was feeling a little better. She was able to sit up and eat a small bowl of fruit salad. The worried look on Tim’s face was the only evidence that her seizure had to have been a bad one.
‘Do you remember what happened?’ Tim asked, and Lauren racked her brain.
‘I don’t know. Everything . . . seemed unfamiliar. I couldn’t remember where I was,’ she explained. And looked around her home. Everything was as it always was. Everything was in its place. It was she who was out of place.
She took a deep breath, trying to feel the room.
Taking everything in.
‘The kids were here, weren’t they?’ she asked, because she could still feel them around.
‘Yes. We all snuggled up with you in bed. It was beautiful.’
Lauren nodded quietly.
‘Tim, I . . .’
She looked at him, and her eyes confirmed what he had feared ever since he found her lying on the bathroom floor.
‘I want to have a party. Down by the lake house. With all our friends.’
* * *
‘I’m so glad that we all got to celebrate this evening . . . this unforgettable summer night . . . together,’ Lauren declared, her voice cracking. ‘I’m so glad to have had you by my side all these years. So glad that your love and friendship were such a big part of my life.’
The silver lining on the horizon announced the rising morning, and Lauren knew that it was time to say goodbye.
She swallowed in a desperate attempt to get rid of the persistent lump in her throat, but all that happened was that more tears welled up in her eyes.
‘Let me hug you guys,’ she said, looking into each loving, familiar face, ‘because I think it is time.’
When the night gave way to day, and the first rays of the sun turned the sky a fiery red, they were no longer able to keep their promise – the tears were running freely, long after Lauren had disappeared into the lake house with her family.
Dawn was breaking, but Rachel, Mason, and Chris did not leave. They stayed and shared Celeste and Peter’s pain. With their backs to the lake house – and to whatever was happening inside of it – they kept vigil. Vigil for Lauren.
The rays of the early morning sun were shimmering, reflecting on the surface of the lake, but in their hearts this summer night would last forever.
A New Day Is Dawning
For a long time, Lauren stayed at her kids’ bedside. Here at the lake house the two girls were sharing a bed, and it filled Lauren with endless happiness to see the two sisters so closer. They were not alone. They would never be alone.
Alyssa blinked, and a smile crossed her face before she closed her tired eyes again.
‘I love you, Mommy,’ she mumbled, and her soft sigh made Lauren’s eyes well up. Bending over her half-asleep child, she kissed her blonde curls.
Again and again she breathed in the familiar scent of her daughter, until the only thing left that mattered was this: her scent.
Mia was clinging to her and did not want to let go. Gently, Lauren searched her fearful eyes for understanding.
‘Mia, my darling! My sweet, sweet girl . . . You have no idea how . . . how sorry I am that I . . . that I can’t be there for you,’ Lauren wept, stroking Mia’s long, dark hair. ‘I wished . . .’ Her voice broke, and a hoarse sob escaped her tight throat.
‘I know, Mom,’ Mia replied, and hugged her tight.
‘I want you to have a peaceful end,’ she whispered and slowly loosened her grip. ‘But could you stay until . . . until we’ve fallen asleep?’
Lauren cried and nodded, because she found herself incapable of saying another word without cursing her destiny for making her and her children go through this pain and suffering.
Tim behind her was crying, too, and his tears fell down on the soft comforter. The sun outside was rising in the sky when Lauren bent down to kiss her children for the last time.
Her headaches had gotten so bad that Tim had to lead her up the stairs, half carrying her. It was the hardest path he ever had to take, but now it was time to let go.
‘It was a lovely party,’ Lauren whispered faintly, sinking back into her soft pillow. The jasmine smell of the fabric softener met her nose, and she took slow, deep breaths. She was calm. All was well, now.
A soft breeze entering the room through half-open windows made the long, white curtains billow out; she had bought them especially for today, for this moment. They looked good with the white gauze fabric, with which she had covered the wall behind her. Looking up through the skylight into the luminous morning sky, she felt as if she were on a bed of clouds. This was exactly how she had imagined it.
Tim stirred beside her and propped himself up on his elbow. He looked at her, and smiled. The warmth of his body transferred over to her, and Lauren enjoyed the feeling of being so close to him. His sky-blue eyes were shimmering, and his lips trembled softly. She could see the tension in his beautiful face that she loved so much.
And still he smiled. Lauren knew he was far from OK, but he made every effort not to show it. She raised her hand to his cheek, trying to comfort him. His face was cold – so different from his body that was huddled against her.
‘I love you, Lauren,’ he whispered and bent down to her in a gentle kiss. His lips touched hers, soft and warm, and she could feel his breath against her skin. It was heavenly, and Lauren felt happy. Come what may. Right now, in this moment, she was happy. She had never wanted anything else.
She breathed out, her body shaking, and wiped a tear from her face. Well, that was a lie – of course she had wanted something else. But that was at a different time, in a different life.
Tim, too, had wanted something else. She knew that. She faintly recalled all those plans . . . but that was the thing about plans. Ultimately, it wasn’t up to them to decide.
‘I lo
ve you, too,’ she breathed against his quivering lips. ‘I am so glad you’re here with me.’
The blue in his eyes was as clear as the sky above Lake Champlain on a bright summer day, and she saw the endless love reflected in them.
‘I’m here – for as long as you need me, Lauren. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.’
He didn’t know if it meant anything to her – or maybe he did know, because he was her soulmate. Her lover. Her husband.
Exhausted, Lauren closed her eyes and reached for his hand.
It was time to sleep.
She took slow, deep breaths, the scent of jasmine accompanied her dreams, and Tim’s kiss on her temple carried her away.
Epilogue
The Birthday Party
‘Ready?’ Tim asked, and Mia nodded.
Alyssa jumped up and put Rowdy, the puppy, on his brand-new – what else! – pink leash.
‘Ready!’ she called out and dashed out of the yard. ‘Mom’s going to be so happy when she sees Rowdy!’
Tim swallowed hard but forced himself to a smile when Mia reached for his hand.
‘Come on, Dad. Let’s go,’ she said encouragingly, and he put his arm around her narrow shoulders.
‘I like your new sweater,’ he commented as they left through the garden gate and strolled down the street. Alyssa and Rowdy were hopping off in front of them, and Tim was glad that the little girl had finally started smiling again.
Mia blushed beneath her dark dyed hair, and sheepishly smoothed down her lavender-colored sweater and crossbody purse.
‘I . . . I thought maybe . . . Alyssa would like it,’ she admitted.
Tim looked at his daughter, and his heart lifted. She’d be all right. Somehow, someday . . . And if even Mia had chosen color over black, they’d all be OK again one day.
Alyssa and Rowdy turned away from the sidewalk and ran toward the cast-iron gate. It creaked as they slipped through. Tall maple trees and southern firs painted patterns of light and shadow onto the path and swallowed up any noise the few people who were out and about made. It smelled of wet earth and fresh spring grass, and the air was very clear.
Mia’s steps slowed. Tim squeezed her hand encouragingly. He understood her hesitation because he, too, found it hard to come here. But it was important to Alyssa. She needed this. Showing no trace of self-consciousness, she hopped over to the white headstone with the climbing roses etched along its border.
‘Hi, Mommy!’ she called and strained herself to lift Rowdy up off the ground. The little puppy was heavy and limp like a wet sack in her hands. ‘Look what I’ve got! Isn’t he the cutest? His name is Rowdy, and he can do a somersault, but only if I do it first!’ She let go of the dog, who threw himself on his back as if to prove her point. ‘And look what I got from Mia! A necklace!’ From underneath her sweater she pulled out a necklace made of wooden pearls and pink flower beads with a silvery fairy pendant. ‘It’s even got a real fairy!’ She beamed from ear to ear and touched the headstone. ‘Aaand we’re having a party, and all my friends are coming! Daddy made a cake, and I helped him!’
Tim was still holding Mia’s hand when she bent down to Rowdy to pet the puppy’s shaggy fur.
‘You didn’t help me at all, you little rascal,’ Tim clarified. ‘You ate all the blueberries, remember?’ He still found it hard to maintain composure when little Alyssa was speaking to her mom. A mom she would never see again. A mom who was no longer with them and could no longer witness what an important role she would always play in all of their lives. Tim’s throat was sore. The lump was so bad that he couldn’t get rid of it, even after swallowing hard a few times.
Alyssa was shocked and put her fists against her hips.
‘That’s not true!’ she called, and Mia laughed.
‘Alyssa’s right, Dad!’ she came to her little sister’s aid. ‘She left enough for the blueberry muffins.’
With a big smile, she pulled a muffin out of her purse and sat it down on the grass-covered mound before the headstone.
‘You brought Mommy a muffin!’ Alyssa cheered, and Tim furtively wiped away a tear from the corner of his eye. So that’s what happened to the muffin that had gone missing from the birthday platter. Standing behind Mia, he wrapped his arm around her shoulders and kissed the top of her head. Her lips, painted in a purple lipstick, curled up into a sheepish smile, and when she looked up at him he noticed tears shimmering in her eyes, too.
‘I’m sorry you’re not with us anymore, Mom,’ Alyssa whispered and reached for her big sister’s hand.
Every breath they took drove home the face that something wasn’t right – because something was missing. They were still trying to hold on to what they had lost a long time ago, but slowly, very slowly, they managed to get it back with a smile. It was a sad smile, but a smile nonetheless. They were all standing in silence, staring at the headstone, and Tim’s lips voicelessly read the inscription:
Lauren Parker, beloved daughter, wife, and mother. She lived through many happy moments, died during a happy moment and left her loved ones with so much hope
They all felt a little of that hope when Rowdy – ignoring Alyssa’s cries of protest and Mia’s fits of laughter – made a dive for the muffin.
The End
About the Author
Internationally bestselling author Emily Bold, who writes prolifically in both German and English, lives with her husband and their two daughters in Bavaria.
First published in Germany in 2015 by Ullstein Taschenbuch Verlag
This e-book edition published in 2016 by Manilla Publishing
Manilla Publishing
80–81 Wimpole St, London, W1G 9RE
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Copyright © Emily Bold, 2015
Copyright © Ullstein Buchverlage, GmbH, Berlin
English translation copyright © by Katja Bell 2016
The moral right of the author to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright,
Designs and Patents Act, 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the publisher.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, organizations, places and events are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
ISBN: 978-1-7865-8004-7
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Manilla Publishing is an imprint of Bonnier Publishing Fiction, a Bonnier Publishing company
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