Just like back then, I had something to prove with this horse and to myself.
I also needed to prove to Andrew that I could fit into his life. Maybe that was what driving the tractor was about too. And I’d spent a week of evenings working on it before he’d let me drive one on my own. Now, I helped with all of the chores, and I could even bring hay down from the shed for feeding. Each skill I learned on the farm gave me a greater sense of accomplishment, but it also brought safety. Because the more I fit in, the less excuse Andrew had to get rid of me.
Did I have inadequacy issues? Yes. Yes, I did. But I was aware of them and used them to improve myself in all areas. That was why, when I’d gotten an email saying they’d like to interview me for the fellowship at Duke, I’d stayed up for hours on end, studying.
Maybe the lack of sleep was why I had problems keeping my balance.
I pressed on, doing my best to listen to all Andrew’s tips.
“Squeeze with your legs.”
“Give her more rein.”
“Set your butt in the saddle. Don’t bounce.”
I was concentrating on “moving with the horse’s gait” when I leaned too far to the right and slipped. “Oof!” I sat up and spat out sand.
A new sound filled the yard, and I turned to see Grandpa Allred in his wheelchair by the fence, his face red as he laughed.
“My humiliation is complete,” I mumbled. “Laughter’s good medicine, old man.” I winked.
He swiped at his eyes. “I might overdose watching you try to ride that horse.”
My hip protested as I got up. I’d have a big bruise come morning.
I scanned the ground and saw a round rock, about the size of a lime in the sand. I picked it up and tossed it out of the pen. It was a matter of self-preservation, really. I was the only one falling off a horse out here.
“Having a tough time staying on, Dr. Cahill?” Grandpa Allred razzed me.
“It wouldn’t be so bad if she wasn't intent on throwing me off.”
My reply made the old man laugh harder.
“Come on.” Andrew reached for the reins. “It’s time to put this old girl up.”
I brushed my palms across my jeans as I made my way to the front of the horse. I straightened and looked Ginger in the eye. “I’ll see you tomorrow. We’re going to ride, lady.”
“You’ll have to stay on her long enough to count it as a ride.” Mr. Allred chortled at his joke.
Andrew leaned over. “Sorry, he’s a big tease.”
I shook my head. “I’ve had worse, believe me.” He was nothing compared to some of my instructors who’d called me everything from incompetent to an embarrassment to the medical field—and that was when I’d score 98% on an exam. Some docs had god complexes and did their best to stay on the top of Mount Olympus, shoving everyone around them as far down as they could. My skin had thickened up and I’d survived when others dropped out.
I took a moment to consider Andrew as he studied his grandpa. His eyes lingered on the wheelchair. Really, he shouldn’t need it anymore. Helping him be more mobile was something I could do—and I could get started right away. He was about to get a taste of his own medicine. “All right, Mr. Allred.” I swaggered over to the fence with a grin on my face. “I’ll make you a bet. I bet I can learn to ride that horse before you can walk out here with just your walker.”
Andrew flipped around so quick he showered sand on my boots. Since learning to drive the tractor and helping with chores, I’d long since given up on the idea that they were for dressing up.
Grandpa dropped his gaze and rubbed his hands together. I’d seen him do that when he was thinking.
Andrew came closer and spoke low. “Harper, don’t push him. I don’t want him to fall when no one’s around.”
“Don’t worry,” I whispered back. “He has the strength and the sensation to walk with support. He just needs the motivation to build up his endurance. Maybe this will help.”
Andrew looked back and forth between me and his grandpa.
Mr. Allred was looking at his rough hands, working one thumb along the other palm. “I’ll take that bet, Doc.” He lifted his chin, his eyes steely with determination.
I nodded once. I might not be able to ride a horse, but I could read a patient.
I only hoped Andrew would value those parts of me as well as the ones that helped her succeed on his farm. If he didn’t … well, I wasn’t sure he valued me then, because being a doctor was in my cells now. I couldn’t give that up any more than I could give up breathing.
So what did that say for our future together?
Chapter Nineteen
Harper
The next night, I met Andrew at the barn for another riding lesson.
“Okay, I have been thinking about this all day,” I said as I grabbed Ginger’s halter off of the hook in the tack room. “And just the way my brain works, I think I need to start at the beginning and learn the whole process.” I moved my hands rapidly as I spoke. “I can’t master step C without first learning A and B. So before I actually get on and ride, I need to learn to catch Ginger, brush her out, and saddle and bridle her.”
Andrew stood there with a small grin on his face and let me go on.
“That way I know what is underneath me, and maybe Ginger and I can come to an understanding of each other.” The truth also was that I wanted Andrew to know I could do this on my own. The harder I fell for him, the stronger my insecurities became that I wasn’t country enough for his life. It wasn’t anything he did in particular; it was me. It was the fact that I had so much to learn.
I wasn’t just some city girl who was coming out for a day of riding who assumed that he would do all the footwork. I could work right along with him. Which was the kind of relationship I wanted long-term. One of equals.
Which was kind of warped, because I wouldn’t expect him to write out prescriptions or anything. But being a doctor was what I did. Being a farmer … well, I’d seen enough of the people in this town to know that it took two to work on a farm. The couples that seemed the happiest were the ones who spent their time side by side.
And being on the farm was growing on me. It was like my first few weeks in college. I’d felt out of place and unknown, and then I’d found the library. I’d walked in there and realized that I was going make it. The place smelled of old pages and clicked with the sound of a dozen students on their laptops. I didn’t know all I needed to graduate, but I could find it within those walls. And I didn’t know all I needed to run a farm, but the answers were here. I just had to search them out.
“Sounds good to me,” said Andrew. “If you think that will help, we will start there today. The bag with the brushes is on the shelf in the corner there. If you will grab that, I’ll get the saddle.”
I held up my hands. “No, I want to get the saddle. You go get your own horse and meet me over there.” I waved my hand at the metal bars by the arena where Andrew had tied up Ginger the day before.
“That is the hitching rail, and yes,” he laughed, “I will meet you over there, Miss Independent. Are you sure you don’t want help? That saddle isn’t exactly light.”
“I’ve got this,” I assured him.
He glanced over my shoulder at the saddle rack, his brow pinched. I was starting to get the feeling he didn’t think I could do this.
I would prove him wrong. “You go get your own horse.” I shooed him away.
I grabbed a small bucket of grain like I’d seen Andrew do yesterday and set out for Ginger’s pasture. The old sorrel mare could hear the grain bouncing in the bucket and met me at the gate. She knew this routine.
“That’s my girl,” I said as I reached out to pat Ginger on her nose. “We are going to make a good team, aren’t we?”
Ginger’s muzzle was already buried in the bucket. I set it on the ground in front of her.
“All right, let’s see here.” I held the halter out in front of me. It was a tangle of lines and metal rings. Maybe I should h
ave asked Andrew how to do this before I just barged on out here. “No, I can figure this out.”
Talking to Ginger seemed to help me think, even if she didn’t so much as look up from her grain. The small end had to be where her nose went through. I slipped Ginger’s nose through the small end of the halter the next time the mare lifted her head to chew the grain in her mouth.
“And then this buckle has to be done up here behind your ears,” I added as I finished. “See? This isn’t so hard.”
I grabbed the lead rope and opened the gate, grabbing the grain bucket in one hand to encourage her to follow me. The old mare plodded along behind me without a fuss. I kept glancing back, making sure she wasn’t going to step on the back of my boot and send me sprawling. She was big, and her head was near my shoulder. I wondered if she’d nip at my hair, thinking it was a treat. I pulled it all over my opposite shoulder.
By the time I got to the hitching rail, Andrew was there waiting with his bay gelding Ace. “I’m impressed,” he said as he looked us over.
“So far, so good,” I replied with as much confidence as I could muster. I wiped my sweaty palm down my jeans. “Only, I don’t know how to tie her to the rail.”
Andrew grabbed the end of his lead rope and swung it around as he talked. “We use a knot that we can just pull on and undo real quick in case the horse starts to panic and throw a fit. Not that Ginger would do that on purpose, but with horses, you never know.”
“Hence the reason I left Astrid home.”
Andrew smiled. “I think we can start introducing her to the farm when you’re ready.”
“One thing at a time,” I mumbled.
I then spent the next fifteen minutes learning how to tie the knot that Boy Scouts could probably do in their sleep. At first it was difficult and seemed to end up a jumbled mess, but after a few minutes, the rope slid through my fingers with ease. Andrew was a patient teacher, which helped. It was one of his many qualities I loved.
Once I had mastered the lead rope, we were off to the tack room.
“I really don’t mind getting your saddle for you,” Andrew said again as we reached the door of the room. “I like taking care of you, you know,” he said as he slipped his arms around my waist and pulled me in close.
I giggled and then sighed. I’d offended his gentlemanly nature. “I know, and I appreciate it, but I really want to learn to do this.” I reached up, gave him a quick kiss, and then asked, “Which one is mine?”
Andrew sighed. “It’s that one over there on the bottom row.”
I went over and grabbed the saddle horn to pull the saddle off of the rack. The smell of saddle oil filled my nose. To my surprise, I found the odor pleasant and calming. Maybe I was cut out for this farm life after all.
I pulled on the saddle, and it slid easily off of the rack … and fell with a crash onto the floor.
“Oh!” I exclaimed. “You’re right—they are heavy.”
Andrew chuckled and shook his head. “The easiest way for you to carry it is to put one arm under the front of the saddle, and the other under the back like this and carry it in front of you.” He showed me with his saddle. “Or my mom used to prop the saddle tree on her hip like this and carry it. Try either one and see what you like best.”
I tried both and found I liked propping it up on my hip. Since I wasn’t large in size, it seemed to be the easiest way to leverage the saddle’s weight. I carried the saddle out to the horses, and then returned and got the bridle and saddle pad, which Andrew had told me were Ginger’s.
The evening passed quickly as Andrew and I laughed and enjoyed each other’s company, brushing out the horses and putting the saddles on. I was learning to tie the saddle’s cinch when we heard the door slam loudly over at the house.
Both of our heads shot up at the same time. There stood Grandpa, on the front porch, with his four-wheeled walker—knees slightly shaking.
“Oh no.” Andrew darted towards the house. I was close behind him, keeping an eye on the stairs.
As we got closer, Grandpa hollered out with the lift of one hand, “Good evening, Dr. Cahill! Don’t you think I am going to let you get a head start on our bet.” This time, it was Grandpa who was feigning confidence. He didn’t look like he entirely trusted his legs.
“Grandpa, what are you doing?” Andrew called as he got close. “You agreed not to try to do this unless someone was here to help you.”
I pulled up short, realizing the men had had a conversation about this bet that didn’t include me. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that.
“And I’m not breaking my promise,” Grandpa retorted. “You two are right here.”
Andrew let out an exasperated breath. “No, Grandpa, we were over by the corral. To help you walk, we have to be with you.”
“Well, you are here now, aren’t ya?” Grandpa dismissed his argument. “You worry too much, Andrew.” He took two shuffled steps forward as the wheels screeched on the walker.
“Hello, Mr. Allred,” I said, smiling at Grandpa. I liked his grit and determination. “Nice night for an evening stroll.”
“You need to stop encouraging him,” Andrew said in exasperation, the worry lines clearly written on his forehead.
“No, that is exactly what he needs,” I replied with defiance in my voice. I knew my patient and his physical limitations. This was definitely within his capacity.
“No!” Andrew suddenly yelled out, throwing his hands in the air. “You think you know because you went to school and see him as a patient in the clinic. Grandpa puts on a good solid front then, but you don’t see him grunting and groaning as he needs help getting in and out of his chair every day. You don’t help him in and out of the shower so he won’t slip and fall. You don’t bend over to tie his shoes so he doesn’t fall out of his chair. That is what I do! Every. Single. Day. Do you even know what that is like?”
At first, I was shocked by his tone. But then, I was ticked off. I leveled my gaze at him. “Yes, Andrew, I do understand. I’ve taken care of the patients that fall and break their hip and later die of secondary pneumonia related to that fall. I trained in nursing homes where my number one priority was keeping my patients safe and preventing falls. My job is to help people live a long and healthy life if it is possible.”
I drew in a breath and glanced at Grandpa Allred. He had his head down, defeated by all he couldn’t do. That was all it took for me to have the courage to go on. “Andrew, there is also quality of life, not just quantity. I have seen the light go out in a patient's eyes as they lose their mobility and subsequently the ability to do the things they love in life. Your grandpa has the capacity to walk on his own two feet for short distances. I would never ask him to do something he wasn’t physically capable of doing.”
“I hate to break up a good disagreement,” Grandpa interjected. “But it isn’t really up to either of you.”
We both dropped our gazes to the ground. I felt awful arguing like that in front of a patient—especially Grandpa.
He continued, “Ultimately, this is my decision. If I didn’t feel up to it, I wouldn’t do it. But it isn’t your job to police me.” He poked Andrew in the chest. “I’m a grown man and have the capacity to make a decision for myself. This is something I am going to do whether you like it or not.”
Andrew stood for a moment and looked back and forth between the two of us: me with my arms folded, and Grandpa with his jaw set. Steam and frustration billowed around him like a late summer storm coming off the river. “You two are the most stubborn people I have ever met! Well, fine, you do what you want, but I am not going to be a part of it.” With that, he turned his back and went into the house, letting the screen door slam behind him.
I was about to go after him when Grandpa caught my arm. “You best give him a moment to cool off.”
“What was that about?” I asked. I was angry, but also stunned. Didn’t Andrew trust me?
“One thing you need to understand about Andrew is that he feels things very
deeply. Since his folks moved away and he’s shouldered the full burden of taking care of the farm and me, he has become protective. I wouldn’t take it personal. He said that more out of fear than mistrust. Give him a minute or two to calm down and he’ll be fine.”
I looked around, feeling irritated inside. “Well, it is getting late.” I rubbed my bare arms. “I should probably just head home. He’s not the only one who needs to cool down.”
Grandpa chuckled. He wiped his hand down his face as if he could wipe away the smile.
I half smiled back at him.
“Head on home. I’ll go back inside and tell Andrew to put up the horses. Thanks for your help, Dr. Cahill. I’m actually looking forward to our challenge.” With that, Grandpa scooted into the house. I held the door for him and closed it—not slammed it like I wanted to—once he was inside.
I stalked to my car. I wasn’t sure what this meant for Andrew and me. I felt like my whole world was tipped on the side, and I didn’t know how to right it.
Chapter Twenty
Harper
“We’re impressed with your application.”
“Thank you.” I smiled woodenly at Dr. Peters as he grinned from my computer screen. My video interview was going well, but I should put more enthusiasm into it. I just didn’t have the energy.
I missed Andrew. And I was still upset with him. But what did I expect to happen? I didn’t fit into his world. I had to learn things children picked up on the farm. I swallowed back the lump in my throat.
“What new skills have you picked up since graduation?”
“Well …” I pressed my lips together. “I learned how to drive a tractor.”
Dr. Peters looked up from the tablet he read questions from.
“I learned how to feed cows and the schedule for cutting hay. And I can saddle a horse on my own—I’m still working on staying in the saddle, though.” My hand went to my hip where I’d landed on the rock. There was a nice bruise there.
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