A Rumpole Christmas

by John Mortimer

  “Do I say that?” I felt ashamed.

  “Very often.”

  “I suppose that’s different,” I tried to excuse myself. “I get my work long after the event. Served up cold in a brief. There are names, photographs of people you’ve never met. It’s all laid out for a legal argument. But we had dinner with Fred Airlie. He seemed so happy,” I remembered.

  “Full of himself.” He had clearly failed to charm She Who Must Be Obeyed. “When you go downstairs, Rumpole, just you try to keep out of it. We’re on holiday, remember, and it’s got absolutely nothing to do with you.”

  When I got downstairs again there was a strange and unusual quietness about the Great Hall and the dining room. The steam-room door was closed and there was a note pinned to it that said it was out of order. A doctor had been sent for and had gone away after pronouncing Airlie dead. An ambulance had called and removed the body.

  Oriana was going around her patients and visitors, doing her best to spread calm. As I sat down to breakfast (fruit, which I ate, and special low calorie muesli, which I avoided) Graham Banks, the solicitor, came and sat down beside me. He seemed, I thought, curiously enlivened by the night’s events. However, he began by accusing me of a personal interest.

  “I suppose this is just up your street, isn’t it, Rumpole?”

  “Not really. I wouldn’t want that to happen to anyone,” I told him.

  Banks thought this over and poured himself a cup of herbal tea (the only beverage on offer). “You know that they’re saying someone jammed the door so Airlie couldn’t escape?”

  “Shelagh told me that.”

  “They must have done it after midnight when everyone else was asleep.”

  “I imagine so.”

  “Airlie often couldn’t sleep so he took a late-night steam bath. He told me that, so he must have told someone else. Who, I wonder?”

  “Yes. I wonder too.”

  “So someone must have been about, very early in the morning.”

  “That would seem to follow.”

  There was a pause then, whilst Banks seemed to think all this over. Then he said, “Rumpole, if they find anyone they think is to blame for this . . .”

  “By ‘they’ you mean the police?”

  “They’ll have to be informed, won’t they?” Banks seemed to be filled with gloom at the prospect.

  “Certainly they will. And as the company’s solicitor, I think you’re the man to do it,” I told him.

  “If they suspect someone, will you defend them, whoever it is?”

  “If I’m asked to, yes.”

  “Even if they’re guilty?”

  “They won’t be guilty until twelve honest citizens come back from the jury room and pronounce them so. In this country we’re still hanging on to the presumption of innocence, if only by the skin of our teeth.”

  There was a silence for a while as Banks got on with his breakfast. Then he asked me, “Will I have to tell them what Airlie said about leaving his money to Oriana?”

  “If you think it might be relevant.”

  The solicitor thought this over quietly whilst he chewed his spoonful of low calorie cereal. Then he said, “The truth of the matter is that Minchingham Hall’s been going through a bit of a bad patch. We’ve spent out on a lot of new equipment and the amount of business has been, well, all I can say is, disappointing. We’re not really full up this Christmas. Of course, Oriana’s a wonderful leader, but not enough people seem to really care about their health.”

  “You mean they cling to their old habits, like indulging in turkey with bread sauce and a few glasses of wine?” I couldn’t resist the jab.

  He ignored me. “The fact is, this organization is in desperate need of money.”

  I let this information hang in the air and we sat in silence for a minute or two, until Graham Banks said, “I was hungry during the night.”

  “I know exactly what you mean.” I began to feel a certain sympathy for the solicitor.

  “My wife was fast asleep so I thought I’d go down to the kitchen and see if they’d left anything out. A slice of cheese or something. What are you smiling at?”

  “Nothing much. It’s just so strange that well-off citizens like you will pay good money to be reduced to the hardships of the poor.”

  “I don’t know about that. I only know I fancied a decent slice of cheese. I found some in the kitchen, and a bit of cake.”

  “Did you really? Does that mean that the kitchen staff are allowed to become obese?”

  “I only know that when I started back up the stairs I met Oriana coming down.” He was silent then, as if he was already afraid that he’d said too much.

  “What sort of time was that?” I asked him.

  “I suppose it was around one in the morning.”

  “Had she been to bed?”

  “I think so. She was in a dressing gown.”

  “Did she say anything?”

  “She said she’d heard some sort of a noise and was going down to see if everything was all right.”

  “Did you help her look?”

  “I’m afraid not. I went straight on up to bed. I suddenly felt tired.”

  “It must have been the unexpected calories.”

  “I suppose so.”

  Banks fell silent again. I waited to see if there was going to be more. “Is that it?” I asked.

  “What?”

  “Is that all you want to tell me?”

  “Isn’t it enough?” He looked up at me, I thought plead ingly. “I need your advice, Rumpole. Should I tell the police all that? After all, I’m a friend of Oriana’s. I’ve known her and been her friend for years. I suppose I’ll have to tell them?”

  I thought that with friends like that Oriana hardly needed enemies. I knew that the solicitor wouldn’t be able to keep his story to himself. So I told him to tell the police what he thought was relevant and see what they would make of it. I was afraid I knew what their answer would be.

  Someone, I wasn’t sure who at the time, had been in touch with the police and two officers were to come at two thirty to interview all the guests. Meanwhile two constables were sent to guard us. Hilda and I wanted to get out of what had now become a Hall of Doom and I asked for, and got, permission to walk down to the village. The young officer in charge seemed to be under the mistaken impression that barristers don’t commit murder.

  Minchingham village was only half a mile away but it seemed light years from the starvation, the mechanical exercises and the sudden deathtrap at the Hall. The windows of the cottages were filled with Christmas decorations and children were running out of doors to display their presents. We went into the Lamb and Flag and made our way past a Christmas tree, into the bar. There was something here that had been totally absent at Minchingham Hall—the smell of cooking.

  Hilda seemed pleased to be bought a large gin and tonic. Knowing that the wine on offer might be even worse than Pommeroy’s, I treated myself to a pint of stout.

  “We don’t have to be back there till two thirty,” I told her.

  “I wish we never had to be back.”

  I felt for She Who Must in her disappointment. The visit to Minchingham Hall, designed to produce a new slim and slender Rumpole, had ended in disaster. I saw one positive advantage to the situation.

  “While we’re here anyway,” I said, “we might as well have lunch.”

  “All right,” Hilda sighed in a resigned sort of way. “If you don’t mind being fat, Rumpole.”

  “I suppose I could put up with it,” I hoped she realized I was facing the prospect heroically, “for another few years. Now, looking at what’s chalked up on the blackboard, I see that they’re offering steak pie, but you might go for the pizza.”

  It was while we were finishing our lunch that Thomas Minchingham came into the pub. He had some business with the landlord and then he came over to our table, clearly shaken by the turn of events.

  “Terrible business,” he said. “It seems that the
police are going to take statements from us.”

  “Quite right,” I told him. “We’re on our way back now.”

  “You know, I never really took to Airlie, but poor fellow, what a ghastly way to die. Shelagh rang and told me the door was jammed from the outside.”

  “That’s right. Somebody did it.”

  “I suppose it might be done quite easily. There’s all that wood lying around in the workshop. Anyone could find a bit of old chair leg . . . I say, would you mind if I joined you? It’s all come as the most appalling shock.”

  “Of course not.”

  So His Lordship sat and consumed the large brandy he’d ordered. Then he asked, “Have they any idea who did it?”

  “Not yet. They haven’t started to take statements. But when they find out who benefits from Airlie’s will, they might have their suspicions.”

  “You don’t mean Oriana?” he asked.

  “They may think that.”

  “But Oriana? No! That’s impossible.”

  “Nothing’s impossible,” I said. “It seems she was up in the night. About the time Airlie took his late-night steaming. Her solicitor, Graham Banks, was very keen to point out all the evidence against her.”

  Minchingham looked shocked, thought it over and said, “But you don’t believe it, do you, Mr Rumpole?”

  “I don’t really believe anything until twelve honest citizens come back from the jury room and tell me that it’s true.” I gave him my usual answer.

  The Metropolitan Police call their country comrades “turnips,” on the assumption that they are not very bright and so incapable of the occasional acts of corruption that are said to demonstrate the superior ingenuity of the “townees.”

  I suppose they might have called Detective Inspector Britwell a turnip. He was large and stolid with a trace of that country accent that had almost disappeared in the area around Minchingham. He took down statements slowly and methodically, licking his thumb as he turned the pages in his notebook. I imagined he came from a long line of Britwells who were more used to the plough and the axe than the notebook and pencil. His sidekick, Detective Sergeant Watkins, was altogether more lively, the product, I imagined, of a local sixth form college and perhaps a university. He would comment on his superior’s interviews with small sighs and tolerant smiles and he occasionally contributed useful questions.

  They set up their headquarters in the dining hall, far from the treatment area, and we waited outside for our turns.

  Graham Banks was called first and I wondered if he would volunteer to be the principal accuser. When he came out he avoided Oriana, who was waiting with the rest of us, and went upstairs to join his wife.

  Thomas Minchingham was called in briefly and I imagined that he was treated with considerable respect by the turnips. Then Shelagh went in to give the full account of her discovery of Airlie and the steam-room door.

  Whilst we were waiting Oriana came up to me. She seemed, in the circumstances, almost unnaturally calm, as though Airlie’s murder was nothing but a minor hitch in the smooth running of Minchingham Hall. “Mr Rumpole,” she began. “I’m sorry I got your name wrong. Graham has told me you are a famous barrister. He says you are something of a legend around the courts of justice.”

  “I’m glad to say that I have acquired that distinction,” I told her modestly, “since the day, many years ago, when I won the Penge Bungalow murder case alone and without a leader.”

  There was a moment’s pause as she thought it over. I looked at her, a tall, rather beautiful woman, dedicated to the healing life, who was, perhaps a murderess.

  “I’m entitled to have a lawyer present, when I’m answering their questions?”

  “Certainly.”

  “Can I ask you to be my lawyer, Mr Rumpole?”

  “I would have to be instructed by a solicitor.”

  “I’ve already spoken to Graham. He has no objections.”

  “Very well, then. You’re sure you don’t want Graham to be present as well?”

  “Would you, Mr Rumpole,” she gave a small, I thought rather bitter, smile, “in all the circumstances?”

  “Very well,” I agreed. “But in any trial I might be a possible witness. After all, I did hear what Airlie said. I might have to ask the judge’s permission . . .”

  “Don’t let’s talk about any trial yet.” She put a slim hand on mine and her smile became sweeter. “I would like to think you were on my side.”

  I was called next into the dining room and the turnip in charge looked hard at me and said, without a smile, “I suppose you’ll be ready to defend whoever did this horrible crime, Mr Rumpole.”

  “In any trial,” I told him, “I try to see that justice is done.” I’m afraid I sounded rather pompous and my remark didn’t go down too well with the Detective Inspector.

  “You barristers are there to get a lot of murderers off. That’s been our experience down here in what you’d call ‘the sticks.’”

  “We are there to make an adversarial system work,” I told him, “and as for Minchingham, I certainly wouldn’t call it ‘the sticks.’ A most delightful village, with a decent pub to its credit.”

  When I had gone through what I remembered of the dinner time conversation, the DI said they would see Oriana next.

  “She has asked me to stay here with her,” I told the DI, “as her legal representative.”

  There was a silence as he looked at me, and he finally said, “We thought as much.”

  Oriana gave her statement clearly and well. The trouble was that it did little to diminish or contradict the evidence against her. Yes, the Minchingham Hall health farm was in financial difficulties. Yes, Airlie had told her he was leaving her all his money, and she didn’t improve matters by adding that he had told her that his estate, after many years as a successful stockbroker, amounted to a considerable fortune. Yes, she got up at about one in the morning because she thought she heard a noise downstairs, but, no, she didn’t find anything wrong or see anybody. She passed the steam room and didn’t think it odd that it was in use as Airlie would often go into it when he couldn’t sleep at night. No, she saw nothing jamming the door and she herself did nothing to prevent the door being opened from the inside.

  At this point the Detective Sergeant produced the chair leg, which was now carefully wrapped in cellophane to preserve it as the prosecution’s Exhibit A. The DI asked the question.

  “This was found stuck through the handle of the door to the steam room. As you know, the door opens inwards so this chair leg would have jammed the door and Mr Airlie could not have got out. And the steam dial was pushed up as high as it would go. Did you do that?”

  Oriana’s answer was a simple, “No.”

  “Do you have any idea who did?”

  “No idea at all.”

  It was at this point that she was asked if she would agree to have her fingerprints taken. I was prepared to make an objection, but Oriana insisted that she was quite happy to do so. The deed was done. I told the officers that I had seen the chair leg for a moment when the nurse showed it to me, but I hadn’t held it in my hand, so as not to leave my own prints on it.

  At this DI Britwell made what I suppose he thought was a joke. “That shows what a cunning criminal you’d make, Mr Rumpole,” he said, “if you ever decided to go on to the wrong side of the law.”

  The DI and the DS laughed at this and once more Oriana gave a faintly amused smile. The turnips told us that they planned to be back again at six p.m. and that until then the witnesses would be carefully guarded and would not be allowed to leave the hall.

  “And that includes you this time, Mr Rumpole,” Detective Inspector Britwell was pleased to tell me.

  Oriana made a request. A school choir with their music master were coming to sing carols at four o’clock. Would they be allowed in? Rather to my surprise DI Britwell agreed, no doubt infected by the spirit of Christmas.

  As I left the dining room I noticed that the little baroque angel h
ad been swivelled round. She was no longer pointing vaguely upward, and her direction now was England, perhaps somewhere in the area of Minchingham Hall.

  The spirit of Christmas seemed to descend on Minchingham more clearly during that afternoon than at any other time during our visit. The Great Hall was softly lit, the Christmas decorations appeared brighter, the objects of exercise were pushed into the shadows, the choir had filed in and the children’s voices rose appealingly.

  “Silent night,” they sang, “holy night, / All is calm, all is bright, / Round yon Virgin Mother and Child / Holy Infant so tender and mild / Sleep in heavenly peace . . .”

  I sat next to Shelagh the nurse, who was recording the children’s voices on a small machine. “Just for the record,” she said. “I like to keep a record of all that goes on in the hall.”

  A wonderful improvement, I thought, on her last recorded event. And then, because the children were there, we were served Christmas tea, and a cake and sandwiches were produced. It was a golden moment when Minchingham Hall forgot the calories!

  When it was nearly six o’clock Detective Inspector Britwell arrived. He asked me to bring Oriana into the dining hall and I went with her to hear the result of any further action he might have taken. It came, shortly and quickly.

  “Oriana Mandeville,” he said. “I am arresting you for the wilful murder of Frederick Alexander Airlie. Anything you say may be taken down and used in evidence at your trial . . .”

  I awoke very early on Boxing Day, when only the palest light was seeping through a gap in the curtains. The silent night and holy night was over. It was time for people all over the country to clear up the wrapping paper, put away the presents, finish up the cold turkey and put out tips for the post-man. Boxing Day is a time to face up to our responsibilities. My wife, in the other twin bed, lay sleeping peacefully. Hilda’s responsibilities didn’t include the impossible defence of a client charged with murder when all the relevant evidence seemed to be dead against her.